A 


/^ 


Wit  ar\d  ]^umor 


CLASSIFIED  UNDER  APPROPRIATE  SUBJECT 
HEADINGS,  WITH,  IN  MANY  CASES^  A 
REFERENCE   TO   A    TABLE    OF    AUTHORS 


'PHILADELPHIA 

GEORGE  W.  JACOBS  &  CO. 

PUBLISHERS 


(^ 


IPrcface 

Irish  ll'ic  and  Humor  is  a  factor  in  human  experi- 
ence which  the  world  can  ill  afford  to  lose.  In  some 
of  its  qualities  it  is  second  to  the  wit  and  humor  of  no 
nation  on  earth.  Judging  it  by  its  average  specimens 
— and  it  would  be  manifestly  misleading  to  take  a 
lower  standard^t  manages  to  convey  an  idea  fully  ; 
but,  in  its  haste  to  express  ilse//,—\.he  metaphors  get 
mixed,  and  the  thoughts  transposed  or  reversed. 

The  thoughts  which  give  rise  to  Irish  fun  have  been 
compared  to  a  crowd  all  trying  to  get  out  of  a  door  at 
the  same  time,  the  result  being  haste,  and  want  of 
order,  and  sometimes  a  spill.  This  arises,  not  from 
poverty  of  thought,  but  from  a  wealth  of  ideas  which 
the  warm  nature  of  the  Irishman  is  unable  to  control 
— so  eager  is  he  to  share  his  thoughts  with  another. 
Forplayfulness,  for  sarcastic  keenness,  forgracefulness, 
and  for  red-hot  scornfulness,  nothing  is  more  effective 
than  some  of  the  examples  of  the  wit  and  humor  of 
Irishmen  ;  and  even  where  the  first  idea  conveyed  by 
other  examples  is  sheer  stupidity,  a  second  glance 
shows  that  even  that  stupidity  has  been  forced  to  the 
front  by  a  native  shrewdness  whose  only  faults  were 
either  that  it  was  untrained,  or  that  it  was  in  toogr-eal  a 
hjirry  to  speak — faults  which  often  characterize  the  stu- 
pidity of  other  nations,  while  rarely  so  excusable.  It 
has  been  said  with  truth  that  "  the  man  who  thinks  the 
Irishman  deficient  in  mental  quality  because  of  the 
effervescing  of  his  natural  wit,  need  not  look  abroad 
for  a  fool."  And  this  natural  wit  is  common  to  the 
Irish  of  all  classes,  and  of  almost  all  ages,  and 
nowhere  is  it  more  pungent  than  among  those  whose 
poverty  was  described  by  one  of  themselves  as  "  Irish 

Plinty." 

3 


1510594 


4  preface 

Many  attempts  to  account  for  this  peculiarity  have 
been  made.  Sir  Richard  Steele,  who  was  half  Irish, 
was  once  asked  why  his  countrymen  made  so  many 
bulls.  He  replied —  "  It  is  the  effect  of  climate,  sir. 
If  an  Englishman  were  born  in  Ireland,  he  would 
make  as  many."  If  this  were  a  good  reason,  an 
Irishman  born  in  England  should  show  some  tendency 
to  sink  to  the  level  of  the  average  Englishman,  so 
far  as  wit  and  humor  are  concerned  ;  but  instead  of 
this,  what  do  we  find  ?  We  find  the  Irishman's  words 
come  true,  who  said  :  '*  My  lord,  suppose  I  was  born 
in  a  stable  ;  that  does  not  make  me  a  horse.'''  No,  in 
the  words  of  Colonel  Saunderson,  M.  P.,  even  when 
born  in  England,  Paddy  can  say  :  "  I  was  born  Irish, 
and  have  been  so  ever  since.'''' 

There  is  one  element  which,  to  my  mind,  accounts  more 
than  anything  else  for  this  perennial  stream  of  spark- 
ling fun  which  flows  from  the  Irish  nature.  It  is  hope- 
fulness. The  Irish  have  a  hopefulness  which  nothing 
can  kill— ox  it  had  died  long  since.  This  hopefulness  is, 
I  say,  indestructible,  and  is  the  prophecy  and  earnest 
of  a  magnificent  future.  As  an  Englishman,  I  tell 
them  that  the  selfishness  of  my  country  in  the  past, 
and  the  perverseness  of  the  powers  that  be  in  the 
present,  is  becoming  as  real  a  burden  on  the  hearts  of 
Englishmen  and  Englishwomen  as  the  sufferings  of 
Ireland  have  been  for  centuries  to  those  who  bore 
them  with  so  little  retaliation.  But  the  hopefulness 
that  has  kept  them,  in  the  main,  from  the  methods 
and  resources  of  despair,  is  perhaps  all  the  stronger 
as  a  national  characteristic  than  it  might  have  been  in 
less  trying  circumstances  ;  and  yet,  who  can  tell  ?  It 
may  be,  that,  set  free  from  its  earthlj'  cage,  it  would 
show  that  its  wings  were  capable  of  as  glorious 
flights  as  that  of  the  Israelites  liberated  from  Egyptiar. 
subjection. 

I  will  apologize  to  Irishmen  everywhere  for  even 
hinting  that  they  are  a  conquered  race.  They  will 
hardly  deny,  however,  that  they  have  endured  bond- 
age ;  but  a  conquered  race,  in  the  usual  sense  of  that 
term  they  have  never  yet  been.  Their  position  now 
cannot  better  be  described  than  by  giving  the  answer 


preface  5 

of  a  London  school-boy,  at  an  examination,  to  the 
question:  "  Write  a  short  account  of  the  Conquest 
of  Ireland."  The  lad  wrote:  "The  Conquest  of 
Ireland  was  begun  in  the  year  1170,  and  is  still  going 
on.''''  The  wit  and  humor  of  the  answer  could  not 
have  been  more  perfect,  had  it  been  less  unconscious. 

Yes,  it  is  still  going  on  !  But  it  has  only  just  began  ! 
— inaugurated,  in  a  new  spirit,  by  a  departure  from 
the  methods  of  the  past,  and  by  the  recognition  of 
Ireland's  right  to  stand  on  God's  earth  on  the 
Creator's  own  terms,  viz.,  to  recognize  no  man,  or 
nation,  as  "  master," — terms  which,  by  the  way,  we — 
not  without  the  help  of  Irishmen — "coerced"  our 
early  conquerors  into  conceding  to  us.  Meanwhile 
Erin's  hopefulness  is  Erin's  indestructibility  ;  and  her 
wit  and  humor  will  be  found  to  have  been  not  the 
least  potent  factors  in  bringing  about  her  approaching 
victory. 

W.  H.  HOWE. 

October,  i8go. 


Contente 


llJjj^^^t^S^T' 


Irish  Definitions 


Page 
Definition  of  an  Irish  Is- 

l.nd 58 

Matrimony,  A  Definition  of  11 
"Pliuty,"  Irish 11 


Page 

Unclean  Spirit,  The  Irish 

Name  for  an 59 

Yankee,  Irish  Definition  of  147 


Irish  Love,  Courtship  and  Marriage 


Local   Habit-ation  and  a 
Name,  A 215 

"Match-making".  .  .       .136 

To  My  First  Love ITl 

Servant,  An  Insinuatii.g    .  169 


Truth  in  Parenthesis    .  .   .118 
"  Under  Government,"  How 

Paddy  Got 232 

"  You'd  Better  Ask  Me  I "  .  67 


Paddy  on  His  Travels 


Bounce,  How  Paddy  Took 
it  out  of  Him 

Circumstances,  Paddy  Al- 
ways Able  to  Rise  Above 
His 

Coach  Accident,  An  Irish  . 

"Dry"  Humor 

Gone— but  not  "  Lost"    .  . 

Irishman's  Walk  to  Eng- 
land, An 

Irish  "Plinty" 

Jehu,  The  Humors  of  the 
Irish 


150 


Old  Lady  (The)  and  the 

Railway  Porter  ....  90 
Paddy  and  the  Hotel  Lift  .  126 

Paddy  at  Niagara 12 

Patient,    Why    O'Connell 

was 198 

Rencontre,  An  Irish  .  .  .  .  218 
Tnief 's  Opinion  (A)  of  His 

Own  Deeds 145 

Turtle  (The),  Paddy,  and 

the  Yankee 129 

"  Tu  Quoque,"  An  Irish  .  .  223 
Waiter.  A  Witty 127 


Contents 


Irish  Bulls 


Page 
Certificate,  Biddy  Malone's  19G 
Coroner  (A)  on  Irish  Mor- 
tality     188 

Excuse  for  a  Blunder,  An 

Editor's 9) 

Herd  of  Irish  Bulls,  A  .   .   .   3") 
Lawyer,  A  Facetious   .  .   .186 


Pa«e 

Linguist,  An  Irish 233 

•'  Neither  of  Us,"  It's  Just  55 
Resolution,  An  Irish  ...  58 
Short  sighted  Irishman,  A  200 
Trig-er,  Why  Mike  Didn't 

Pull  the 221 

WhyHe  Didn't  Get  Drowned  32 


The  Irish  Method  o 

Another  Way  of  Looking 

at  It 215 

Chicken,  Why  Pat  Ate  the  197 
Forger,   Refusing    to    Be- 
come a 211 

Horse,  A  Faultless 18 

Horse,  An  Honest 17 

Mirth,  Consolations  of  For- 
mer    158 


f  Meeting  Difficulties 

Paddy's  Explanation  ...  217 
Praying  fur  "Rain"     .   .  .  224 

Sharp  Retort,  A 14 

Sheridan  "  Turuing  Away" 

His  Creditor's  Wrath  .  .200 
Towers  of  Clonmacuoise, 

The 143 

W'hat  Pat   did  when   the 

Well  Fell  in 185 


The  Humors  of  Irish  Politics 


Bad  Luck  and  Its  Cause  .  .  142 

Carleton's  Method  of  Chang- 
ing His  Friend's  Views   .   15 

Duel   Between    O'Connell 
and  Sir  Robert  Peel  .  .  .  183 

Dying,  in  Order  to  Escape 
Justice 115 

Elector,  A  Free  and  Inde- 
pendent Irish  88 

Going  to  "  Kill  'Em  All  "  .  193 

Goodness,     Paddy's    Test 
of 186 

Habit,  Mr.  Biggar  and  the 
Force  of 106 

Hurrah  at  a  Funeral,  A  Po- 
litical   198 

Incendiarism,  Irish  ...    20 

Modern  Reading  of  an  An- 
cient Story,  A  12 


Nomination  Day 137 

No  Time,  the   Result    of 

Having 214 

Parnell   Commission,  The 

Humors  of  the 172 

Pickle,  An  Irish— and  not 

the  Last 

"  Plan  of  Campaign  "  ( A), 
Never  yet  Tried  in  Ire- 
land, Mr.  Balfour  !     .   . 
Politician,  A  Determined  .   88 
Quotation,  O'Connell  and  a 

Pointed 198 

Rebellion,  Sheridan's  Cure 

for  Irish 28 

Soap  and  Water 140 

Union,  How  to  Repeal  the    68 
Voting  in  the  "Good  Old 
Days,"  Irish 82 


67 


62 


Contents 


Landlord  and  Tenant  in  Ireland* 

Page  I  Page 

"  Chateing  the  Public  I  "    .  134  ]  Joe  McKey  and  the  Land- 
Harder  than  He  Thought  .    54 
Ignorance,  What  it  Nearly 
Made  of  Paddy 129 


lord's   Agent 225 

Rent  Collecting,  Irish  ...  175 
Trying  to  Help  His  Tenants  24 
Why  Should  It? 78 


The  Irishman  from  a  Pecuniary  Point  of  View 


Bet,  How  the  Priest  Lost 
His 81 

Bet,  How  Mike  Nearly  Won 
His 151 

Cash  Balance,  Nora's  .  .  ,231 

Expensive  Trip,  An  ...  .    13 


Guineas,  Paddy's  Plan  for 

Dividing     59 

Irish  Long  and  Short  of  It  52 
Loyalty,  Irish  versus  Scotch  13 
Savings,  Paddy  and  His  .  .  123 
Sixpence  too  much       ...   59 


Literary   Wit    and   Humor 


Advertisement,  A  Vividly 
Descriptive 211 

Difference,  One  Letter 
Made  All  the 19 

Dy(e)ing,  \Yrongly  Re- 
ported as 19 

English  Language,  De- 
forming the  29 

Epigram,  Dean  Swift's  Last   14 

Free  Translation,  A  .  .   .  .    19 

"Hostility,"  Pronounced  .  196 


Napoleon  I,  An  Irish  Epi- 
gram on 13 

O'Connell  and  His  Literary 
Criticism 204 

O'Connell's  Societies,  An 
Irishman's  Reading  of .  ,178 

Publisher,  William  Carle- 
ton  and  His 107 

Read,  Advice  to  Those  who 
Can't 14 

Self-styled  Wit,  Dean 
Swift's  Advice  to  a    ...   15 


Amateur  Acting  and  W^hat 

it  Led  To       163 

Bank,  How  Mike's  Father 

Guarded  the 161 

Chance  of  Retreat,  Cutting 

Off  His 215 

Doctor,  Paddy's  Idea  of  .  .   60 
Earl  Desmond's  Answer  .   .114 

Furlough,  The 124 

Height,  An  Irish  Recruit's  205 


The  Army  and  Navy 

Ingenious  Defence,  An   .  .  216 

Irish  Cordiality 199 

L(e)aving  Him  in  the  River  52 
Look  Out,  Paddy  on  the  .  .   68 

Paddy's  Prospect 18 

Prayer,  The  Irishman's  .  .  199 
Promotion,  Paddy  Asks  for  56 
Saluting  His  Superior  OflS- 

cer     46 

What'UWeTakeNow?  .  .193 


Contcnta 


Wit  and  Humor  Among  Irish  Judges,  Barristers, 
Policemen,  Prisoners  and  Witnesses 


Page 
Judge    (The)   which    Best 

Suited  Tat  rick 188 

"  No  Visible  Means  of  Sup- 
port"    irj2 

O'Connell       and       Lord 

Shrewsbury 160 

Pardon,  Begging  the  Cul- 
prit's           ^\(^ 

Patience  Under  Difficult ir  I,s9 
Pat's   Description  of   tlio 

Prisoner 223 

Personal  Reflection,  A  .  .  197 
Place    Where    the    Coach 

Stops 147 

Plea,  An  Irishman's  ....  187 
Preciseness  in  Giving  Evi- 
dence   187 

Prisoner,  A  Cautious    ...    78 

Sarcasm,  Currau's 32 

Shemus  O'Brien 153 

Superiority  of  "  Chancery  " 

over  Newgate 137 

rhieving     which     Didn't 

Pay 131 

"Tay,"  Irish 145 

Too  Late  for  the  Fair  ...  160 
Witness,  A  Clever  .....  119 
Witness,   How    O'Connell 

Entrapped 204 

Widow  (The) 103 

Commercial,  Domestic,  Religious  and  Social 

Anchovies,  Irish   Dispute         f  Church,  A  Dilapidated    .  .   1^ 

About 2  4  i  Clerical,  "  Eye-Service  "    .   2f} 

Ciirran  and  the  Tobacco- 
nist     210 

Double  Meanings 212 

English  Watch,  Telling  the 
Time  by  an ■?.32 


Page 
Advice   to  a  Client,  Cur- 

ran's  Clever 29 

Afraid  of  Justice 222 

Agricultural   Conundrum, 

An 32 

Baliffs.    How    Major    Bob 

Mahon  Defeated  the    .  .   96 
"  Call  for  Ah  Song  !'  "    .   .  159 

Cause  and  Effect 191 

Court,  Clearing  the    ....    95 
Curran's  Felicity  <  f  Illus- 
tration      3'> 

Curran's  Playfulness  ...  33 
Curran's  Reproof  of  Lord 

Avonmore 30 

Dignity  of  the  Bench,  (  ur- 

ran  and  the 28 

"  Divarshin,"  Irish  ....  123 
Floored,  for  Once  in  His  Life  30 
Gentleman  (A)   Caned  by 

O'Connell 200 

"Guilty!"— Why  Pat   De- 
cided to  Plead  187 

Harmless  Blow  (A)— for  a 

Soldier 20 

Impunity,  He  Struck  Her 

with      192 

"  Irish  "  Sailor,  An  ....  191 
Irishwoman,    Prosecution 
of  an 231 


Applying  "  By  Mail  "     .  .  Tio 
Bishops,  Two  in  One  Dio- 
cese   141 

Cheated  Himself,  How  an 
Irish  Purchaser 225 


iO 


Contents 


Commercial,  Domestic,  Religious  and  Social— Continued. 


Page 

"Exit"  Paddy 224 

"Fall"  (A)  that  Pleased 

Paddy 145 

Foote  and  the  Actress  .  .  2-3 
Gallantry  in  Church  ....  89 
How  His  Hat  Looked  on 

Another  Head 189 

How   Paddy   Proposes    to 

Wake  Himstlf 188 

lusaue.Why  Biddy  Thought 

Her  Husbaud 133 

Invalided  by  His  Washer- 
woman     159 

Irish  Trade,  Dean  Swift  on  14 
Letiers,    How    Somelimes 

Addressed 15ii 

Love  of  Dress.  How  Swift 

Cured  a  Lady  of 219 

Liquor  (A)  He  Had  Never 

Tasted 33 

Mackiin's  Wit  and  Humor, 

Examples  of 209 

Making  it  Even  With  the 

J  uUge 192 

Nail,  Hitting  the,  on  the 

Head 197 

Observant  Irishman,  An  .  Ii3l 
O'Connell  Outwitted  ...  211 
"Only  a  Lodger  I"  .  .  .  .  126 
Open  Question,  An  ....  67 
Paddy  "  lu  the  Interim"  .  213 
Passage,  Working  His  .  .  59 
Policeman,  Biddy  and  the  184 
Popery,  Paddy's  Method  of 

Getting  Rid  of  ..••..   72 

Prayer,  A  Long 127 

Provisions  Cheap— Money 

Dear 222 

Purgatory,  A  Letter  From  .  213 
Purgatory,  Father  O'Leary's 

Reason  for  Accepting  the 

Doctrine  of 12 


Page 

Purgatory,  One  Fee  Deliv- 
ers Two  Persons  from   .   .    78 
Purgatory     Tax,    Paddy's 

Reason  for  Not  Paying  .  .  90 
Relation  of  Paddy  to  His 

Sister's  Child 137 

Retort,  Courteous 220 

Saucepan,  Why  Pat   Sole' 

the 68 

Scandal,  How  Maggie's  Wit 

Avoided  a 217 

Servant  (A  Good)  not  Nec- 
essarily a  Good  Private 

Secretary 40 

Servant,    A    Willing    but 

Blundering 107 

Sign  of  the  Three  Crosses  .  23 
Sleep,  Anything  for  a  .  .  .  127 
Sociable  to  the  Last ....  139 

Social  Differences 138 

Strike,  An  Irish 183 

Strike,  An  Irish  Method  of 

Helping  the 158 

Swift  (Dean)  and  a  Small 

Congregation 19 

Swilt's  First  Appearance  at 
Button's  Coffee-house  .  .  221 

Taxman,  The 201 

Telephone,  Paddy  and  the  193 
Thankfulness,  Cause  for    .215 

"That  Depends!" 12 

Tithe  Question,  An  Irish- 
man on  the 14 

Trade-mark,  An  Irish  .  .  52 
Trades   and   Callings,  An 

Irishman's  Thoughts  on  189 
Trunk,  Why  Pat  Refused 

to  Buy  a 204 

Will,    Why   an   Irishman 

Wanted  to  Alter  His  .  .151 
Witty,  Even  Though  Drunk  118 
Working  His  Passage  .  .  59 
Wrath,  Killing.by  Criticism  170 


IFrieb  XllHit  anb  Ibumor 


A  Definition  of  Matrimony 

A  priest  the  other  day,  who  was  examining  a  con- 
firmation class  in  the  south  of  Ireland,  asked  the 
question  :     "  What  is  the  sacrament  of  matrimony  ?  " 

A  little  girl  at  the  top  of  the  class  answered : 
"  Plaze  your  riverence,  'tis  a  state  into  which  sowls 
enter  to  prepare  them  for  another  and  a  better 
world." 

"  Put  her  down,"  says  the  curate —  "  put  her  down 
to  the  fut  of  the  class." 

"Lave  her  alone,"  said  the  priest,  "for  anythin' 
you  or  I  know  to  the  contrary,  she  may  be  parfitly 
right." 

Irish  "  Plinty  " 

An  Irishman  being  asked  what  he  came  to  America 
for,  said  :  "  Is't  what  I  came  here  for,  you  mane  ? 
Arrah,  by  the  powers  !  You  may  be  sure  that  it 
wasn't  for  want^  for  I  had  plenty  of  that  at  home." 

Lord  Plunket's  Wit  and  Lord  Campbell's 
Sickness 

Lord  Plunket  is  said  to  have  acutely  felt  his  forced 
resignation  of  the  Irish  Chancellorship  and  his  super- 
sedeas by  Lord  Campbell.  A  violent  tempest  arose 
on  the  day  of  the  latter's  expected  arrival,  and  a 
friend  remarking  to  Plunket  how  sick  of  his  promo- 
tion the  passage  must  have  made  the  new  comer  : 
"Yes,"  replied  the  ex-chancellor,  ruefully,  "but  it 
won't  make  him  'throw  up  '  the  seals." 
11 


12  ITdsb  mix  anO  Ibumor 

Father  O'Leary's  Reason  for  Accepting  the 
Doctrine  of  Purgatory 

The  late  Father  O'Leary,  who  was  well  known  as  a 
wit,  had  once  a  polemical  contest  with  a  Protestant 
Bishop  of  Cloyne.  The  prelate,  in  a  pamphlet, 
inveighed  with  great  acrimony  against  the  supersti- 
tions of  Popery,  and  particularly  against  the  doctrine 
of  purgatory.  Father  O'Leary,  in  his  reply,  slily 
observed,  "that  much  as  the  bishop  disliked  purga- 
tory, he  might  go  farther  and  fare  worse." 

A  Modern  Reading  of  an  Ancient  Story 

Sir  Robert  Peel,  having,  while  Irish  Secretary,  to 
inspect  a  national  school,  asked  the  class  presented  to 
him  :  "  Why  Moses  left  Egypt  ?  " 

None  of  the  class  could  answer  the  question,  but 
the  silence  was  broken  at  last  by  a  little  lad  at  the 
other  end  of  the  room. 

"  I  know,  yer  honor.  Plase,  yer  honor,  he  shot  a 
peeler  !  "—a  holy  and  happy  precedent,  which  a  pious 
Irish  youth  was  not  likely  to  forget. 

♦•  That  Depends  !  " 

There  was  a  worthy  old  priest  who  was  noted  for 
never  giving  a  direct  "Yes,"  or  "  No,"  in  reply  to  a 
query.  It  was  always  "  that  depends."  His  bishop 
tried  to  pose  him  one  day  by  asking  whether  it  was 
lawful  to  baptize  with  soup  ? 

"  That  depends  !  If  such  soup  as  we  are  now  eating 
at  your  table,  my  lord,  it  would  doubtless  be  wrong  ; 
but  if  with  such  soup  as  is  usually  served  to  us  poor 
priests,  and  which  differs  but  little  from  water  it 
might  be  permissible." 

Paddy  at  Niagara 
We  never  hear  an  American  boasting  of  his  country's 
greatness  without  thinking  of  the  Irishman  at  the  falls 
of  Niagara.  "There!"  cried  Jonathan  to  a  newly- 
arrived  Paddy,  as  he  waved  his  hand  in  the  direction 
of  the  Horse  Shoe  Falls  ;  "  There !  Now  isn't  that 
wonderful  ?  " 


flrisb  TiClit  anD  Ibumor  13 

"  Wontherful ! "  replied  Pat;  "What's  won- 
therful  ?" 

"  Why,  to  see  all  that  water  come  thundering  over 
them  rocks." 

"  Faix,  then,  to  tell  ye  the  honest  truth,"  was  the 
response,  "  I  can't  see  anything  very  wontherful  in 
that.  Why,  what  the  divil  is  there  to  hinther  it  from 
coming  aver  ?  ' 

An  Expensive  Trip 

Irish  Johnstone,  the  comedian,  was  known  to  be 
rather  parsimonious.  On  one  of  his  professional  visits 
to  Dublin,  he  billeted  himself,  as  was  his  wont,  upon 
all  his  acquaintances  in  turn.  Meeting  Curran  after- 
wards in  London,  and  talking  of  his  great  expmses, 
he  asked  the  ex-Master  of  the  Rolls  what  he  supposed 
he  spent  in  the  Irish  capital  during  his  last  trip.  "  I 
don't  know,"  replied  Curran;  "but  probably  a  fort- 
nights 

Irish  versus  Scotch  Loyalty 
When  George  IV  went  to  Ireland,  one  of  the  "  pis- 
intry,"  delighted  with  his  affability  to  the  crowd  on 
landing,  said  to  the  toll-keeper,"  as  the  king  passed 
through,  "  Och,  now  !  an'  his  majesty,  God  bless  him, 
niver  paid  the  turnpike,  an'  how's  that?"  "Oh, 
kings  niver  does;  we  lets  'em  go  free,"  was  the 
answer.  "  Then  there's  the  dirty  money  for  ye," 
says  Pat ;  "  it  shall  niver  be  said  that  the  king  came 
here  and  found  nobody  to  pay  the  turnpike  for  him." 
Tom  Moore,  on  his  visit  to  Abbotsford,  told  this  to 
Sir  Walter  Scott,  when  they  were  comparing  notes  as 
to  the  two  royal  visits.  "  Now,  Moore,"  replied  Scott, 
"  there  ye  have  the  advantage  of  us  ;  there  was  no 
want  of  enthusiasm  here  ;  the  Scotch  folk  would  have 
done  anything  in  the  world  for  his  majesty,  except 
pay  the  turnpike  !  " 

An  Irish  Epigfram  on  Napoleon  I 
When  Curran  visited  France  in  1814,  he  wrote  the 
following  lines  in  pencil  on  the  column,  erected  by 
Bonaparte,     near    Boulogne,     to    commemorate    his 
attempt  to  invade  England  : 


14  insb  mtt  anD  Ibumor 

When  ambition  achieves  its  desires, 
How  fortune  must  laugh  at  the  joke ; 

He  rose  in  a  pillar  of  fire, 
To  set  in  a  pillar  of  smoke  ! 

A  Sharp  Retort 

A  Yankee  and  an  Irishman  happening  to  be  riding 
together,  passed  a  gallows. 

"  Where  would  you  be,"  said  Jonathan,  "  if  the 
gallows  had  its  due  ?  " 

"  Riding  alone,  I  guess,"  said  the  Irishman. 

Dean  Swift's  Last  Epigram 

The  last  thing  Dean  Swift  wrote  was  an  epigram  on 
the  building  of  a  magazine  for  arms  and  stores,  which 
was  pointed  out  to  him  as  he  was  taking  exercise 
during  his  mental  disease.     Here  it  is : 

Behold  a  proof  of  Irish  sense  ; 

Here  Irish  wit  is  seen  ; 
When  nothing's  left  that's  worth  defence. 

They  build  a  magazine  ! 

Irish  Advice  to  Those  Who  Can't  Read 
An  Irish  lawyer,  of  the  Temple,  having  occasion  to 
go  to  dinner,  left  this  direction  in  the  keyhole  :  "  Gone 
to  the  Elephant  and  Castle,  where  you  shall  find  me  ; 
and  if  you  can't  read  this,  carry  it  to  the  stationer's 
and  he  shall  read  it  for  you." 

An  Irishman  on  the  Tithe   Question 
An  honest   Hibernian,  in  a  company  who  blamed 
the  clergy  for  taking  a  tenth  part  of  the  people's  pros- 
perity, exclaimed,  "Ay  !  they  would  take  a  twentieth  if 
they  could." 

Dean  Swift  on  Irish  Trade 
The  style  of  his  conversation  is  very  much  of  a 
piece  with  that  of  his  writings,  concise,  and  clear,  and 
strong.  Being  one  day  at  a  sheriff's  feast,  who, 
amongst  other  toasts,  called  out  to  him,  "  Mr.  Dean, 
the  trade  of  Ireland!"  he  answered  quickly:  "Sir. 
I  dnnk  no  memories  !  " 


Irt6b  Mit  anO  Ibumor  16 

Swift's  Advice  to  a  Self-styled  Wit 
Happening  to  be  in  company  with  a  petulant  young 
man,  who  prided  himself  on  saying  pert  things  .  . 
and  who  cried  out — "  You  must  know,  Mr.  Dean,  that 
I  set  up  for  a  wit !  "  "  Do  you  so  ?  "  says  the  Dean  ; 
"take  my  advice  and  sit  down  again  !  " 

Carleton's  Method  of  Changing  His  Friend's 
Views 

Carleton,  who  never  made  puns,  let  fall  occasion- 
ally a  saying  which  exploded  like  a  bomb  charged  with 
laughing  gas.  An  occasional  correspondent  of  the 
Nation,  who  had  failed  to  secure  domestic  peace  in  his 
household,  wrote  rather  a  contemptuous  letter  against 
theories  then  (1844)  beginning  to  be  debated  as  the 
rights  of  women.  "I  think,"  says  Carleton,  "he  is 
not  past  conversion  ;  he  would  come  round,  I  fancy, 
if  someone  offered  his  wife — a  foreign  appointment." 

The  Value  of  an  Attorney 
"  There  was  a  barrister  of  the  name  of  Parsons  at  the 
bar  in  my  earlier  practice,"  said  O'Connell,  "  who 
had  a  good  deal  of  humor.  Parsons  hated  the  whole 
tribe  of  attorneys  ;  perhaps  they  had  not  treated  him 
very  well — but  his  prejudice  against  them  was  eternally 
exhibiting  itself.  One  day,  in  the  hall  of  the  Four 
Courts,  an  attorney  came  up  to  beg  his  subscription 
towards  burying  a  brother  attorney  who  had  died  in 
distressed  circumstances.  Parsons  took  out  a  pound 
note.  '  O,  Mr.  Parsons,'  said  the  applicant,  '  I  only 
ask  a  shilling  from  each  contributor.'  '  O,  take  it- 
take  it,'  replied  Parsons ;  '  I  would  most  willingly 
subscribe  money  any  day  to  put  an  attorney  under 
ground.'  '  But  really,  Mr.  Parsons,  I  have  limited 
myself  to  a  shilling  from  each  person.'  '  For  pity's 
sake,  my  good  sir,  take  the  pound — and  bury  twenty 
of  them.'  " 

O'Connell  and  Mrs.  Moriarty 

O'Connell    once    made   a    small    shopkeeper  very 

angry  by  using  geometrical   terms.     She  had   taken 

offence  at  his  objection  to  the  price  of  a  stick,   and 

gave  him  a  bit  of  her  mind.  "  Easy  now — easy  now," 


16  Urisb  ma  anO  Ibumoc 

cried  O'Connell,  with  imperturbable  good  humor, 
"don't  choke  yourself  with  fine  language,  you  old 
whiskey-drinking/)ara//(?/o^ra;;z."  ■'  What's  that  you 
call  me,  you  murderin'  villain?"  roared  Mrs. 
Moriarty,  stung  into  fury.  "  I  call  you,"  answered 
O'Connell,  "  a  parallelogram  ;  and  a  Dublin  judge  and 
jury  will  say  that  it's  no  libel  to  call  you  so  !  "  "  Oh, 
tare-an-ouns  !  holy  Biddy  !  that  an  honest  woman  like 
me  should  be  called  a  parrybellygrum  to  her  face. 
I'm  none  of  your  parrybellygrums,  you  rascally 
gallows-bird ;  you  cowardly,  sneaking,  plate-lickin' 
bliggard  ! "  Ultimately  O'Connell  had  to  beat  a 
hasty  retreat  to  avoid  a  saucepan  which  Mrs.  Moriarty 
flung  at  his  head. 

How  the  Irish  Bishop  Overcame  His 
Coachman's  Oojewtions 
Dr.  Marley,  Bishop  of  Waterford,  once  ordering  his 
coachman  (in  the  absence  of  the  footman)  to  fetch 
some  water  from  the  well,  the  coachman  objected, 
that  Ms  business  was  to  drive,  not  to  run  errafids. 
"  Well,  then,"  said  the  bishop,  "bring  out  the  coach 
and  four,  set  the  pitcher  inside,  and  drive  to  the 
well  !  "  A  service  which  was  several  times  repeated,  to 
the  great  amusement  of  the  bishop's  neighbors. 

Paddy's  View  of  Delirium  Tremens 
A  Stocktonian  was,  a  few  days  ago,  describing  to 
an  Irishman  in  vivid  language  the  multiform  monsters 
who  visited  him  during  an  attack  of  delirium  tremens 
—devils  of  all  shapes  and  sizes,  and  of  sufficient 
number  to  justify  the  term,  "  delirium  tremen(dou)s." 
I'  But,"  concluded  he,  in  a  consolatory  key,  "  it  is  all 
imagination,  you  know."  "By  my  sowl,"  replied 
Paddy,  evidently  disconcerted,  "  I'm  not  so  sure  of 
that.  It  is  strange  you  never  imagine  you  see  angels 
flying  at  you  such  times  !  " 

Irish  Definition  of  a  Yankee 
He'd  kiss  a  queen  till  he'd  raise  a  blister. 

With  his  arms  round  her  neck,  and  his  old  felt  hat  on ; 
Address  a  king  by  the  title  of  Mister, 

And  ask  him  the  price  of  the  throne  he  sat  on. 


Irisb  ma  anD  Ibumoc  17 

Getting  and  For-getting 
"Solomon,  I  fear  you  are  forgetting  me,"  said  a 
bright-eyed  girl  to  her  lover,  the  other  day.     "  Yes, 
Sue,"  said  slow  Sol,  excusing  himself,  "  I  have  been 
for  getting  you  these  two  years." 

Curran  and  Sir  Boyle  Roche 
Curran  was  once  defending  an  attorney's  bill  of 
costs  before  Lord  Clare.  "  Here,  now,"  said  Clare, 
"  is  a  flagitious  imposition  ;  how  can  you  defend  ihis 
item,  Mr.  Curran  ?— '  To  writing  innumerable  letters, 
^loo.'  "  "Why,  my  lord,"  said  Curran,  "  nothing 
can  be  more  reasonable.  /I  is  7iot  a  penny  a  letter.'' 
Curran  by  no  means  liked  Sir  Boyle  Roche.  Having 
said  one  night  that  he  needed  no  aid  from  anyone, 
and  could  be  "the  guardian  of  his  own  honor." — 
"Indeed!"  exclaimed  Sir  Boyle;  "why,  I  always 
thought  the  right  honorable  member  was  an  enemy  to 
sinecures.''''  Sir  Boyle  was  very  proud  of  his  alliance 
with  the  family  of  Sir  John  Cave,  and  boasted  that 
Sir  John  had  given  him  his  eldest  daughter.  "If 
he  had  an  older  one,  he'd  have  given  her  to  you.  Sir 
Boyle,"  said  Curran.  Sir  Boyle  seems  to  have  had  a 
rival  in  one  of  the  judges  of  the  King's  Bench,  who, 
in  an  argument  on  the  construction  of  a  will,  sagely 
declared  "  it  appeared  to  him  that  the  testator  meant 
to  keep  a  life  interest  in  the  estate  to  himself."  Very 
true,  my  lord,"  said  Curran,  gravely;  "testators 
generally  do  secure  a  life  interest  for  themselves,  but 
in  this  case  I  rather  think  your  lordship  takes  the  will 
for  the  deed.'"  A  Limerick  banker,  remarkable  for 
his  sagacity,  had  an  iron  leg:  "His  leg,"  said 
Curran,  "  is  the  softest  part  about  him." 

An  Honest  Horse 

There  is  a  story  told  of  an  Irish  jockey  who,  selling 
a  nag  to  a  gentleman,  frequently  observed,  with 
emphatic  earnestness,  that  he  was  an  honest  horse. 
After  the  purchase  the  gentleman  asked  him  what  he 
meant  by  an  honest  horse.  "Why,  sir,"  replied  the 
seller,  "whenever  I  rode  him  he  always  threatened  to 
throw  me,  and  he  certainly  never  desaved  me." 


18  f  risb  limit  anO  Ibumoi: 

A  Faultless  Horse 

Another  Irish  horse-dealer  is  said  to  have  sold  a 
mare  as  sound  in  wind  and  limb,  and  zviihout  fault. 
It  afterwards  appeared  that  the  poor  beast  could  not 
see  at  all  out  of  one  eye,  and  was  almost  blind  of  the 
other. 

The  purchaser,  finding  this,  made  heavy  complaints 
to  the  dealer,  and  reminded  him  that  he  engaged  the 
mare  to  be  without  fault. 

To  be  sure,"  returned  the  other  ;  "  to  be  sure  I  did, 
but  then,  my  dear,  the  poor  crater's  blindness  is  not 
her  fault,  but  her  misfortune.''^ 

A  Dilapidated  Church 

Upon  Swift's  visiting  Carlow,  the  rector  conducted 
him  over  the  town  and  neighborhood,  showing  him 
all  the  objects  of  interest  there.  On  returning  to  the 
glebe  Swift,  pointing  to  the  church,  inquired  what 
building  it  was,  and  why  he  had  not  been  shown  it  ? 
"  Oh,"  said  the  conductor,  "  it  is  only  the  parish 
church  ;  but  it  is  really  so  dilapidated  and  in  such 
bad  order  that  I  did  not  think  it  worth  your  inspec- 
tion." At  this  Swift  expressed  his  regret  ;  but  said 
he  knew  a  cheap  way  of  repairing  it.  "  Why  don't 
you  give  it,"  said  he,  "to  the  Papists?  You  know 
they  would  repair  it,  and  then  you  could  take  it  from 
them  afterwards."  This  fine  stroke  of  satire  is  related 
by  Mr.Wilde  as  hitherto  unpublished.  Was  it  on  this 
occasion  (he  asks)  Swift  said  : 

"  A  high  church  and  a  low  steeple, 
A  poor  town  and  a  proud  people  "  ? 

Paddy's  Prospect 

When  the  French  landed  at  Bantry  Bay,  an  Irish 
peasant,  who  was  posted  with  a  musket  upon  one  of 
the  cliffs  and  had  wandered  a  little  out  of  his  posi- 
tion, was  accosted  by  an  English  officer  with  :  "  What 
are  you  here  for  ?  " 

"  Faith,  your  honor,"  said  Pat  with  his  accustomed 
grin  of  good  humor,  "they  tell  me  I'm  here  for  a 
century. ^^ 


Irisb  Wiit  anD  Ibumot  19 

Wrongly  Reported  as  Dy(e)ing 
One  evening  Mr.  Barry,  one  of  the  Young  Ireland 
Party!  in  passing  the  Canal  at  Portobello  Bridge,  slid 
accidentally  into  the  water  and  was  drawn  out  with 
son  e  difficulty  by  Lane.  He  returned  to  his  resi- 
dence to  change  his  dress,  and  Lane  reported  the 
catastrophe  to  his  friends.  It  was  thought  proper  to 
assume  that  he  was  actually  drowned,  and  his  epi- 
taph, his  last  will  and  testament,  and  an  account  of 
his  premature  death  were  improvised,  in  various 
metres  by  his  comrades.  Unfortunately,  the  squibs 
have  perished,  and  I  can  only  recall  a  couplet  from 
the  mock-heroic  ballad  on  his  death,  on  account  of  an 
allusion  to  a  practice  jocosely  imputed  to  him,  prob- 
ably without  any  foundation  : 

'«  Pale,  pale  were  his  bonny  cheeks,  and  clammy  as 
the  clay,  .        ,       j 

Pale,  pale  were  his  whiskers   twain,   the  dye  was 
washed  away."      [lo] 
One  Letter  Made  All  the  Difference 
Vincent  Scully  was  not  without  ability  and  informa- 
tion   but  his  manners  were  eccentric  and  his  pronun- 
ciation ridiculous  from  a  sort  of  puerile  lisp      Francis 
Scully   was   merely    feeble    and    commonplace       An 
English  member  asked  Sergeant  Murphy  how  he  con- 
trived   to    distinguish    between    the    two    wonderfu 
Scullys      "  Oh,  easily,"  said  the  sergeant ;  ''  we  ca 
Vincent,  '  Rum-Scully,'  and  Francis,  '  Num-Scully. 
A  Free  Translation 
Sergeant  Murphy   was   credited  with   a  mol  which 
was  hailed  with  the  laughter  that  ^^^'^'^s  sarcasm    f  it 
be  not  grotesquely  untrue,  almost  as  certainly  as  if  it  be 
apt  and  felicitous.     "Mr.  Lucas,''  said  the  sergeant, 
-  is  Lncus  a  non  lucendo,  which   I   venture  to  trans- 
late—' Lucas— not  bright.'  " 

Dean  Swift  and  a  Small  Congregation 
Swift's  duties   at   Laracon  were  not  excessive.     He 
reckons  his  congregation  at  fifteen  P^^^°"^;.    "^^^^'^.^^ 
them  gentle,  and  all  simple."      He  gave  notice  that  he 


20  frisb  'Cmit  anD  Ibumoc 

would  read  prayers  every  Wednesday  and  Friday. 
The  congregation  on  the  first  Wednesday  consisted  of 
himself  and  his  clerk,  and  Swift  began  the  service 
with  :  "  Dearly  beloved  Roger,  the  scripture  moveth 
you  and  me,"  etc. 

Irish  Incendiarism 
When   the  Union  with   England   and   Ireland  was 
first  in  agitation,  many  citizens  in   Dublin,  who  were 
inimical  to  the    measure,   resolved    "to  burn  every 
article  imported  from  England  except  coals.''^ 

A  Harmless  Blow — for  a  Soldier 
An  Irish  recruit,  being  rebuked  by  the  sergeant  for 
striking  one  of  his  companions  :   "  I  thought  there  was 
no  harm   in  it,"  quoth  Pat,  "  as  I  had  nothing  in  my 
hand  but  my  fist.'"'' 

Clerical  "  Eye-Service  " 

An  Irish  priest  at  Ammergau  told  the  following 
story  of  his  bishop  :  His  lordship  and  a  chaplain  came 
to  see  the  Passion  Play,  They  would  fain  have  had  a 
room  each,  but  that  was  not  possible.  They  knelt 
down  separately  to  say  their  prayers  by  their  little 
cots,  and  presently  it  crossed  the  mind  of  the  chaplain 
that  it  would  not  be  well  to  make  his  orisons 
shorter  than  the  bishop's,  and  he  glanced  over  his 
shoulder  to  see  if  his  lordship  was  about  to  make  an 
end.  The  bishop,  presumably  anxious  not  to  scan- 
dalize his  chaplain  by  the  shortness  of  his  prayers, 
also  glanced  over  his  shoulder,  and  waited.  The 
process  was  repeated  several  times.  Both  suppliants 
were  very  tired  ;  and,  in  time,  both  fell  asleep.  They 
were  found  in  the  morning,  on  their  knees  still,  and 
sleeping.     [23] 

The  Scotch  Baronet  and  the  Irish  Mendicants 
The  O'Donoghue  was  standing  near  the  window 
which  looked  out  upon  the  ohd  court-yard  behind  the 
house,  and  where  now  a  very  considerable  crowd  of 
beggars  had  assembled  to  collect  the  alms  usually 
distributed  each  morning  from  the  kitchen.  Each 
was  provided  with  an  ample  canvas  bag,  worn  over 


f  risb  Mit  an&  Ibumoc  21 

the  neck  by  a  siring,  and  capable  of  containing  a 
sufficiency  of  meal  or  potatoes,  the  habitual  offering 
to  support  the  owner  for  a  couple  of  days  at  least. 
They  were  all  busily  engaged  in  stowing  away  the 
provender  of  various  sorts  and  kinds,  as  luck  or  the 
preference  of  the  cook  decided,  laughing  or  grumbling 
over  their  portions,  as  it  might  be,  when  Sir  Archibald 
M'Nab  hurriedly  presented  himself  in  the  midst  of 
them — an  appearance  which  seemed  to  create  no 
peculiar  satisfaction,  if  one  were  to  judge  from  the 
increased  alacrity  of  their  movements,  and  the  evident 
desire  they  exhibited  to  move  off. 

The  O'Donoghue  laughed  as  he  witnessed  the  dis- 
comfiture of  the  ragged  mob,  and  let  down  the  window 
sash  to  watch  the  scene. 

"  'Tis  going  we  are  ;   God  be  good  to  us  !  " 

"  Ye  needn't  be  cursing  that  way,"  said  an  old  hag, 
with  a  sack  on  her  back  large  enough  to  contain  a 
child. 

"  Eyah  ;  the  Lord  look  down  upon  the  poor,"  said 
a  little  fat  fellow,  with  a  flannel  night-cap  and 
stockings  without  any  feet ;  "  there's  no  pity  now  at 
all,  at  all." 

"  The  heavens  be  your  bed,  any  waj',"  said  a  hard- 
featured  little  woman,  with  an  accent  that  gave  the 
blessing  a  very  different  signification  from  the  mere 
words. 

"  Blessed  Joseph  !  sure  it  isn't  robbers  and  thieves 
we  are,  that  ye  need  hunt  us  out  of  the  place." 

Such  were  the  exclamations  on  every  side,  inter- 
mingled with  an  undergrowl  of  the  "  Scotch  naygur," 
"the  ould  scrape-gut,"  and  other  equally  polite  and 
flattering  epithets. 

"  This  is  no  place  for  ye,  ye  auld  beldames  and 
blackguards  ;  awa'  wi'  ye — awa'  wi'  ye  at  once,"  said 
Sir  Archy. 

"  Them's    the    words    ye'll    hear    in    heaven    yet, 
darlint,"  said  the  old  fiend  of  a  woman  with  one  eye,  . 
and  a  mouth  garnished  by  a  single  tooth.     "Them's 
the  very  words  St.  Peter  will  say  to  yourself." 

"Awa'  wi'  ye,  ye  ragged  devils  ;  ye'r  a  disgrace  to 
a  Christian  country." 


22  Urisb  Mit  anD  "Sbumor 

"Troth,  we  wear  Lieec/ies  an  us,"  said  an  old 
fellow  on  crutches  ;  "  and  sure  I  hear  that's  more  nor 
they  do  in  the  parts  your  honor  comes  from." 

Sir  Archy's  passion  boiled  over  at  this  new  indignity. 
He  stormed  and  swore,  with  all  the  impetuous  rage 
of  one  beside  himself  with  passion  ;  but  the  effect  on 
his  hearers  was  totally  lost.  The  only  notice  they 
took  was  an  occasional  exclamation  of : 

"  There  it  is  now  !  Oh,  blessed  Father  !  hear  what 
he  says  !  Oh,  holy  mother  !  isn't  he  a  terrible  man  !  " 
— comments  by  no  means  judiciously  adapted  to  calm 
his  irritation.  Meanwhile  symptoms  of  evacuating 
the  territory  were  sufficiently  evident.  Cripples  were 
taken  on  the  backs  and  shoulders  of  their  respective 
friends ;  sacks  and  pouches  were  slung  over  the 
necks.  Many  a  preparatory  shake  of  rags  showed 
that  the  wearer  was  getting  ready  for  the  road,  when 
Sir  Archy,  suddenly  checking  himself  in  the  full 
torrent  of  his  wrath,  cried  out : 

"  Bide  a  wee— stay  a  minit,  ye  auld  beasties ;  I  hae 
a  word  to  say  to  some  amang  ye." 

The  altered  tone  of  voice  in  which  he  spoke  seemed  ' 
to    have    changed    at    once    the    whole    current   of 
popular  feeling,  for  now  they  all  chimed  Ui  with ; 

"  Arrah,  he's  a  good  man  after  all  ;  sure  'tis  only  a 
way  he  has"  —  sentiments  which  increased  in  fer- 
vency as  Sir  Archibald  took  a  tolerably  well-filled 
purse  from  his  pocket,  and  drew  out  some  silver  into 
his  hand — many  exclaiming  : 

"  'Tis  the  kind  heart  often  has  the  hard  word  ;  and 
sure  you  can  see  in  his  face  he  isn't  cruel." 

"  Hear  'till  me,"  cried  Sir  Archy  aloud,  as  he  held 
up  a  shilling  before  their  wistful  eyes  ;  "  there's  mony 
a  ane  among  ye,  able  to  earn  siller.  Which  o'  ye 
now  will  step  down  to  Killarney,  an'  tell  the  doctor 
he's  wanted  up  here  wi'a'  despatch  ?  Ye  maun  go 
fast  and  bring  him,  or  send  him  here  to-night ;  and  if 
ye  do,  I'll  gie  ye  this  piece  o'  siller  money  when  ye 
come  back." 

A  general  groan  from  that  class  whose  age  and 
infirmities  placed  them  out  of  the  reach  of  competi- 
torship,  met  this  speech,  while  from  the   more    able 


f  d0b  TIDlit  an&  l)umor  23 

section,  a  not  less  unequivocal  expression  of  discon- 
tent broke  forth. 

"Down  to  Killarney  !  "  cried  one;  "  begorra,  I 
wonder  ye  didn't  say  Kenmare  when  ye  war  about  it 
—the  divil  a  less  than  ten  miles  it  is." 

"  Eyah  !  I'll  like  to  see  my  own  four  bones  going 
the  same  road  ;  sorra  a  house  the  whole  way  where 
there's  a  drop  of  milk  or  a  pratie." 

"  That's  the  charity  to  the  poor,  I  suppose,"  said 
the  fat  fellow  of  the  night-cap.  "  'Tis  wishing  it  I 
am,  the  same  charity." 

"  We  wor  to  bring  the  doctor  on  our  back,  I  hope," 
said  a  cripple  in  a  bowl. 

"Did  ever  man  hear  or  see  the  like  o'  this?" 
exclaimed  M'Nab,  as  with  uplifted  hands  he  stared  in 
wonderment  around  him.      "  One  wad  na  believe  it." 

"  True  for  you,  honey,"  joined  in  one  of  the  group. 
"  I'm  fifty-three  years  on  the  road,  and  I  never  heerd 
of  anyone  asking  us  to  do  a  hand's  turn  afore." 

"Out  of  my  sight,  you  worthless  ne'er-do-weels; 
awa'  wi'  ye  at  once  and  forever.  I'll  send  twenty 
miles  round  the  country,  but  I'll  hae  a  mastiff  here 
'11  worry  the  first  o'  ye  that  dares  to  come  near  the 
house." 

"  On  my  conscience,  it  will  push  you  hard  to  find  a 
wickeder  baste  nor  yourself !  " 

"  Begorra,  he  won't  be  uglier,  anyhow  !  " 

And  with  these  comments,  and  the  hearty  laughter 
that  followed,  the  tattered  and  ragged  group  defiled 
out  of  the  yard  with  all  the  honors  of  war,  leaving 
Sir  Archy  alone  overwhelmed  with  anger  and  aston- 
ishment.     [26] 

Sign  of  the  Three  Crosses 

Dean  Swift,  in  his  journeys  on  foot,  was  accustomed 
to  stop  for  refreshment  or  rest  at  the  neat  little  ale- 
house on  the  road's  side. 

One  of  these,  between  Dunchurch  and  Daventry, 
was  formerly  distinguished  by  the  sign  of  the  three 
crosses,  in  reference  to  the  three  intersecting  ways 
which  fixed  the  site  of  the  house.  At  this  the  dean 
called    for   his   breakfast,    but    the   landlady,   being 


24  -ffrisb  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

engaged  with  accommodating  her  more  constant  cus- 
tomers, some  waggoners,  and  staying  to  settle  an 
altercation  which  unexpectedly  arose,  kept  him  wait- 
ing, and  was  inattentive  to  his  repeated  exclamation?  ; 
he  took  from  his  pocket  a  diamond,  and  wrote  on 
every  pane  of  glass  in  her  bettermost  room  • 

To  THE   Landlord  : 

There  hang  three  crosses  at  thy  door : 
Hang  up  thy  wife,  and  she'll  make  four. 

Trying  to  Help  His  Tenants 

Sir  Marmaduke,  who  was  an  Englishman,  tried  to 
make  the  tenantry  on  his  Irish  estate  more  comfort- 
able. How  he  succeeded  will  be  seen  from  the  fol- 
lowing account  of  a  levee,  which  he  held  every 
morning  with  his  steward,  Mr.  Sam  Wylie,  when  all 
who  had  complaints  to  make  gathered  at  his  house. 

"  They're  here  now,  sir,"  said  Wylie,  as  he  glanced 
through  the  window  toward  the  lawn,  where,  with 
rigid  punctuality  Sir  Marmaduke  each  morning  held 
his  levee  ;  and  where,  indeed,  a  very  strange  and 
motley  crowd  appeared. 

The  old  baronet  threw  up  the  sash,  and  as  he  did 
so  a  general  murmur  of  blessings  and  heavenly  invo- 
cations met  his  ears— sounds,  that  if  one  were  to 
judge  from  his  brightening  eye  and  beaming  counte- 
nance, he  relished  well.  No  longer,  however,  as  of 
old,  suppliant,  and  entreating,  with  tremulous  voice 
and  shrinking  gaze  did  they  make  their  advances. 
These  people  were  now  enlisted  in  his  army  of 
"  regenerators  "  ;  they  were  converts  to  the  landlord's 
manifold  theories  of  improved  agriculture,  neat  cot- 
tages, pig-styes,  dove-cots,  bee-hives,  and  heaven  only 
knows  what  other  suggestive  absurdity  ease  and 
affluence  ever  devised  to  plate  over  the  surface  of 
rude  and  rugged  misery. 

"  The  Lord  bless  your  honor  every  morning  you 
rise!  'Tis  an  illegant  little  place  ye  gave  me  to  live 
in.  Musha,  'tis  happy  and  comfortable  I  do  be  every 
night  now,  barrin'  that  the  slates  does  be  falling 
betimes— bad  luck  to  them  for  slates— one  of  them  cut 


txisb  Timit  anD  Ibumoc  25 

Jittle  Joe's  head  this  morning,  and  I  brought  him  up 
for  a  bit  of  plaster." 

This  was  the  address  of  a  stout  middle-aged 
woman,  with  a  man's  great  coat  round  her  in  lieu  of  a 
cloak. 

"Slates  falling— why  doesn't  your  husband  fasten 
them  on  again?  He  said  he  was  a  handy  fellow,  and 
could  do  anything  about  a  house." 

"  It  was  no  lie,  then  ;  Thady  Morris  is  a  good  war- 
rant for  a  job  any  day,  and  A  it  was  thatch  was  on 
it " 

"  Thatch — why,  woman,  I'll  have  no  thatch  ;  I  don't 
want  the  cabins  burned  down,  nor  will  I  have  them 
the  filthy  hovels  they  used  to  be." 

"  Why  would  your  honor  ?  Sure,  there's  rayson  and 
sinse  agin  it,"  was  the  chorus  of  all  present,  while 
the  woman  resumed 

"  Well,  he  tried  that  same,  too,  your  honor,  and  if 
he  did,  by  my  sowl,  it  was  worse  for  him,  for  when  he 
saw  the  slates  going  off  every  minit  with  the  wind,  he 
put  the  Iiarrow  on  the  top " 

"  The  harrow — put  the  harrow  on  the  roof?  " 

•'  Just  so— wasn't  it  natural  ?  But,  as  sure  as  the 
wind  riz,  down  came  the  harrow  and  stript  every 
dirty  kippeen  of  a  slate  away  with  it." 

"So  the  roof  is  off,"  said  Sir  Marmaduke,  with 
stifled  rage. 

"  'Tis  as  clean  as  my  five  fingers,  the  same  rafters," 
said  she,  with  unmoved  gravity. 

"  This  is  too  bad— Wylie,  do  you  hear  this?"  said 
the  old  gentleman,  with  a  face  dark  with  passion. 

"  Ay,"  chorused  in  some  half-dozen  friends  of  the 
woman  ;   "  nothing  stands  the  wind  like  the  thatch." 

Wylie  whispered  some  words  to  his  master  and,  by 
a  side  gesture,  motioned  to  the  woman  to  take  her 
departure.  The  hint  was  at  once  taken,  and  her  place 
immediately  filled  by  another.  This  was  a  short  little 
old  fellow  in  yellow  rags,  his  face  concealed  by 
swollen  masses  of  cheek  and  eye-lid— the  nose  might 
have  been  eight  noses — and  the  round,  immense  lips 
and  the  small  aperture  between  looked  like  the  open- 
ing in  a  ballot  box. 


26  jlr(0b  mn  anD  Ibumor 

"  Who  is  this?— what's  the  matter  here?"  said  Sir 
Marmaduke,  as  he  stared  in  mingled  horror  and 
astonishment  at  the  object  before  him. 

"  Faix,  ye  may  well  ax,"  said  the  little  man,  in  a 
thick  guttural  voice.  "  Sorra  one  of  the  neighbors 
knew  me  this  morning.  I'm  Tim  M'Garrey,  of  the 
crossroads." 

"What  has  happened  to  you,  then!"  asked  Sir 
Marmaduke,  somewhat  ruffled  by  the  sturdy  tone  of 
the  ragged  fellow's  address. 

'•  'Tis  your  own  doing  then— divil  a  less— you  may 
be  proud  of  your  work." 

"  My  doing  ?     How  do  you  dare  to  say  so?" 

"  'Tis  no  darin'  at  all— 'tis  thrue,  as  I'm  here. 
Them  bee-hives  you  made  me  take  home  wid  me,  I 
put  them  in  a  corner  of  the  house,  and  by  bad  luck  it 
was  the  pig's  corner,  and  sorra  bit,  but  she  rooted 
them  out  and  upset  them,  and  with  that  the  varmint 
fell  upon  us  all,  and  it  was  two  hours  before  we  killed 
them — divil  such  a  fight  ever  ye  seen  ;  Peggy  had  the 
beetle  and  I  the  griddle  for  flattening  them  agin  the 
wall,  and  maybe  we  didn't  work  hard,  while  the  chil- 
dre  was  roarin'  and  bawlin'  for  the  bare  life." 

"  Gracious  mercy,  would  this  be  credited  ?  Could 
any  man  conceive  barbarism  like  this?"  cried  Sir 
Marmaduke,  as  with  uplifted  hands  he  stood  over- 
whelmed with  amazement. 

Wylie  again  whispered  something  and  again  tele- 
graphed to  the  applicant  to  move  off;  but  the  little 
man  stood  his  ground  and  continued  :  "  'Twas  a 
heifer  you  gave  Tom  Lenahan,  and  it's  a  dhroll  day 
the  M'Garreys  wasn't  as  good  as  the  Lenahans,  to  say 
that  we'd  nothing  but  bees,  and  them  was  to  get  a 
dacent  baste  !  " 

"  Stand  aside,  sir,"  said  Sir  Marmaduke  ;  "  Wylie 
has  got  my  orders  about  you.     Who  is  this  ?  " 

"  Faix,  me,  sir— Andrew  Maher.  I'm  come  to  give 
your  honor  the  key ;  I  couldn't  stop  there  any 
longer." 

•'  What !  not  stay  in  that  comfortable  house,  with 
the  neat  shop  I  had  built  and  stocked  for  you  ?  What 
does  this  mean  ?" 


Iriab  Mit  anO  Ibumor  27 

"  'Tis  just  that,  then,  your  honor  ;  the  house  is  a 
nate  little  place,  and,  barrin'  the  damp  and  the  little 
grate  that  won't  burn  turf  at  all,  one  might  do  well 
enough  in  it,  but  the  shop  is  the  divil  entirely." 

"  How  so — what's  wrong  about  it  ?  " 

"  Everything's  wrong  about  it.  First  and  foremost, 
your  honor,  the  neighbors  has  no  money  ;  and  though 
they  might  do  mighty  well  for  want  of  tobacco,  and 
spirits,  and  bohea,  and  candles,  and  soap,  and  them 
trifles,  as  long  as  they  never  came  near  them,  throth 
they  couldn't  have  them  there,  fornint  their  noses, 
without  wishing  for  a  taste  ;  and  so  one  comes  in  for 
a  pound  of  sugar,  and  another  for  a  ha'porth  of  nails, 
or  a  piece  of  naygur-head,  or  an  ounce  of  starch  ;  and 
divil  a  word  they  have,  but  'put  it  in  the  book, 
And  v.'  By  my  conscience,  it's  a  quare  book  would 
houl'd  it  all." 

"  But  they'll  pay  in  time — they'll  pay  when  they  sell 
the  crops." 

*'  Bother  !  I  ax  yer  honor's  pardon — I  was  manin, 
they'd  see  me  far  enough  first.  Sure,  when  they  go  to 
market,  they'll  have  the  rint,  and  the  tithes,  and  the 
taxes  ;  and  when  that's  done,  and  they  get  a  stock  of 
seed  potatoes  for  next  year,  I'd  like  to  know  where's 
the  money  that's  to  come  to  me  !  " 

"  Is  this  true,  Wylie? — are  they  as  poor  as  this?" 
asked  Sir  Marmaduke. 

Wylie's  answer  was  still  a  whispered  one. 

"Well,"  said  Andy,  with  a  sigh,  "there's  the  key 
anyway.  I'd  rather  be  teachin'  the  gaffers  again,  than 
be  keeping  the  same  shop." 

These  complaints  were  followed  by  others  differing 
in  kind  and  complexion,  but  all  agreeing  in  the  vio- 
lence with  which  they  were  urged,  and  all  inveighing 
against  "the  improvements  "  Sir  Marmaduke  was  so 
interested  in  carrying  forward.  To  hear  them,  you 
would  suppose  that  the  grievances  suggested  by 
poverty  and  want,  were  more  in  unison  with  comfort 
and  enjoyment,  than  all  the  appliances  wealth  can 
bestow  ;  and  that  the  privations  to  which  habit  has 
inured  us,  are  sources  of  greater  happiness  than  we 
often  feel  in  the  use  of  unrestricted  liberty. 


28  Urisb  TKIllt  anD  Ibumot 

Sheridan's  Cure  for  Irish  Rebellion 
■  Charles  I  asked  Selden,  "  What  is  the  best  way 
to  put  down  a  rebellion  ?"  to  which  Selden  answered, 
"  Remove  the  cause."  Sheridan  begged  the  govern- 
ment to  apply  this  answer  to  Ireland  and  put  an  end 
to  the  disaffection  there  by  removing  the  cause. 

Curran  and  the  Dignity  of  the  Bench 

Soon  after  Mr.  Curran  had  been  called  to  the  bar, 
on  some  statement  of  Judge  Robinson's,  the  young 
counsel  observed  that  "  he  had  never  met  the  law  as 
laid  down  by  his  lordship,  in  any  book  in  hia 
library." 

"  That  may  be,  sir,"  said  the  judge  ;  "  but  I  suspect 
that  your  library  is  very  small." 

Mr.  Curran  replied  :  "  I  find  it  more  instructive, 
my  lord,  to  study  good  works  than  to  compose  bad 
ones.*  My  books  may  be  few  ;  but  the  title-pagea 
give  me  the  writers'  names,  and  my  shelf  is  not  dis- 
graced by  any  such  rank  absurdities  that  their  very 
authors  are  ashamed  to  own  them." 

"  Sir,"  said  the  judge,  "  you  are  forgetting  the 
respect  which  you  owe  to  the  dignity  of  the  judicial 
character." 

"Dignity!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Curran;  "my  lord, 
upon  that  point  I  shall  cite  you  a  case  from  a  book  of 
some  authority,  with  which  you  are,  perhaps,  not 
unacquainted."  He  then  briefly  recited  the  story  of 
Strap,  in  "  Roderick  Random,"  who,  having  stripped 
off  his  coat  to  fight,  entrusted  it  to  a  bystander.  When 
the  battle  was  over,  and  he  was  well  beaten,  he  turned 
to  resume  his  coat,  but  the  man  had  carried  it  off. 
Mr.  Curran  thus  applied  the  tale:  "So,  my  lord, 
when  the  person  entrusted  with  the  dignity  of  the 
judgment-seat,  lays  it  aside  for  a  moment  to  enter  into 
a  disgraceful  personal  contest,  it  is  in  vain,  when  he 
has  been  worsted  in  the  encounter,  that  he  seeks  to 
resume  it— it  is  in  vain  that  he  tries  to  shelter  himself 
behind  an  authority  which  he  has  abandoned." 

*  Judge  Robinson  was  the  author  of  many  stupid,  slavish  and 
scurrilous  political  pamphlets;  and.  by  his  demeriis,  raised  tc  the 
eminence  which  h«  thus  disgraced.— Xort/  Brougham. 


Hrlsb  Wiit  anD  Ibumor  29 

"  If  you  say  another  word,  I'll  commit  you," 
replied  the  angry  judge. 

To  this  Mr.  Curran  retorted  :  "  If  your  lordship 
shall  do  so,  we  shall  both  of  us  have  the  consolation 
of  reflecting  that  I  am  not  the  worst  thing  that  your 
lordship  has  committed." 

Curran's  Clever  Advice  to  a  Client 
A  farmer  attending  a  fair  with  a  hundred  pounds  in 
his  pocket,  took  the  precaution  of  depositing  it  in  the 
hands  of  the  landlord  of  the  public  house  at  which  he 
stopped.  Next  day  he  applied  for  the  money,  but  the 
host  affected  to  know  nothing  of  the  business.  In 
this  dilemma,  the  farmer  consulted  Curran.  "  Have 
patience,  my  friend,"  said  the  counsel ;  "  speak  to  the 
landlord  civilly,  and  tell  him  you  are  convinced  you 
must  have  left  your  money  with  some  other  person. 
Take  a  friend  with  you,  and  lodge  with  him  another 
hundred,  and  then  come  to  me."  The  dupe  doubted 
the  advice  ;  but  moved  by  the  authority  of  rhetoric  of 
the  learned  counsel,  he  at  length  followed  it.  "  And 
now,  sir,"  said  he  to  Curran,  "I  don't  see  as  I  am 
to  be  better  off  for  this,  if  I  get  my  second  hundred 
again  ;  but  how  is  that  to  be  done  ?  "  "  Go  and  ask 
him  for  it  when  he  is  alone,"  said  the  counsel.  "  Ay, 
sir,  but  asking  won't  do,  I'ze  afraid,  without  my  wit- 
ness, at  any  rate."  "  Never  mind,  take  my  advice," 
said  Curran  ;  "  do  as  I  bid  you,  and  return  to  me." 
The  farmer  did  so,  and  canie  beck  with  his  hundred, 
glad  at  any  rate, to  find  that  safe  again  in  his  possession. 
*'  Now,  sir,  I  suppose  I  must  be  content ;  but  I  don't 
see  as  I  am  much  better  off."  "Well,  then,"  said 
the  counsel,  "  now  take  your  friend  with  you,  and  ask 
the  landlord  for  the  hundred  pounds  your  friend  saw 
3'ou  leave  with  him."  It  need  not  be  added  that  the 
wily  landlord  found  that  he  had  been  taken  off  his 
guard,  whilst  the  farmer  returned  exultingly  to  thank 
his  counsel,  with  both  hundreds  in  his  pocket. 

Deforming  the  English  Language 
Curran  was   one   day  walking  with   a   friend,  who, 
hearing  a  person  say  curosity  for  curz'osity,  exclaimed  : 
"How  that  man  murders   the  English  language!" 


30  Urtsb  limit  anD  Ibumor 

"  Not  so  bad  as  that,"  replied  Curran  ;  "  he  has  only 
knocked  an  i  out  / ' ' 

Floored,  for  Once  in  His   Life 

Curran  once  met  his  match  in  a  pert,  jolly,  keen- 
eyed  son  of  Erin,  who  was  up  as  a  witness  in  a  case 
of  dispute  in  the  matter  of  a  horse  deal.  Curran 
much  desired  to  break  down  the  credibility  of  this 
witness,  and  thought  to  do  it  by  making  the  man 
contradict  himself— by  tangling  him  up  in  a  network 
of  adroitly  framed  questions— but  to  no  avail. 

The  ostler  was  a  companion  to  Sam  Weller.  His 
good  common  sense,  and  his  equanimity  and  good 
nature,  were  not  to  be  overturned.  By-and-by  Cur- 
ran, in  a  towering  wrath,  belched  forth,  as  not  another 
counsel  would  have  dared  to  do  in  the  presence  of 
the  court : 

"  Sirrah,  you  are  incorrigible  !  the  truth  is  not  to 
be  got  from  you,  for  it  is  not  in  you.  I  see  the  villain 
in  your  face  !  " 

"  Faith,  yer  honor,"  said  the  witness,  with  the 
utmost  simplicity  of  truth  and  honesty,  "  my  face 
must  be  moity  clane  and  shinin',  indade,  if  it  can 
reflect  like  that." 

For  once  in  his  life  the  great  barrister  was  floored 
by  a  simple  witness.  He  could  not  recover  from  that 
repartee,  and  the  case  went  against  him. 

How  Curran  Reproved  Lord  Avonmore 

Lord  Avonmore  as  a  judge  had  one  great  fault  :  he 
was  apt  to  take  up  a  first  impression  of  a  cause,  and 
it  was  very  difficult  afterwards  to  obliterate  it.  The 
advocate,  therefore,  had  not  only  to  struggle  against 
the  real  obstacles  presented  to  him  by  the  case  itself, 
but  also  with  the  imaginary  ones,  created  by  the 
hasty  anticipation  of  the  judge.  This  habit  was  to 
Curran  a  serious  source  of  annoyance,  and  he  took 
the  following  whimsical  method  of  correcting  it.  The 
reader  must  remember  that  the  object  of  the  narrator 
was,  by  a  tedious  and  malicious  procrastination,  to 
irritate  his  hearer  into  the  vice  which  he  was  so 
anxious  to  eradicate.  They  were  to  dine  together  at 
the  house  of  a  common  friend,  and  a  large  party  was 


Idsb  mit  anD  Ibumor  3i 

assembled,  some  of  whom  witnessed  the  occurrence 
of  the  morning.  Curran,  contrary  to  his  usuual  cus- 
tom was  late  for  dinner,  and  at  length  arrived 
in  the  most  admirably  affected  agitation. 

"Why,  Mr.  Curran,  you  have  kept  us  a  full  hour  wait- 
ing dinner  for  you,"  grumbled  out  Lord  Avonmore. 

"  Oh,  my  dear  lord,  I  regret  it  much  ;  you  must 
know  it  seldom  happens,  but— I've  just  been  witness 
to  a  melancholy  occurrence." 

"  Good  heavens  !  you  seem  terribly  moved  by  it — 
take  a  glass  of  wine.     What  was  it? — what  was  it?" 

"  I  will  tell  you,  my  lord,  the  moment  I  can  collect 
myself.  I  had  been  detained  at  Court — in  the  Court 
of  Chancery— your  lordship  knows  the  Chancellor  sits 
late." 

"  I  do,  I  do — but  go  on.'' 

"  Well,  my  lord,  I  was  hurrying  here  as  fast  as  ever 
I  could — I  did  not  even  change  my  dress — I  hope  I  shall 
be  excused  for  coming  in  my  boots  ?  " 

"  Poh,  poll — never  mind  your  boots  ;  the  point — 
come  at  once  to  the  point  of  the  story." 

"  Oh — I  will,  my  good  lord,  in  a  moment.  I  walked 
here — I  would  not  even  wait  to  get  the  carriage  ready 
— it  would  have  taken  time,  you  know.  Now  there 
was  a  market  exactly  in  the  road  by  which  I  had  to 
pass — your  lordship  may  perhaps  recollect  the  market 
—do  you?  " 

"  To  be  sure  I  do— go  on,  Curran — go  on  with  the 
story." 

"  I  am  very  glad  you  lordship  remembers  the  mar- 
ket, for  I  totally  forget  the  name  of  it — the  name — the 
name " 

"What  the  devil  signifies  the  name  of  it,  sir?— its 
the  Castle  Market." 

"  Your  lordship  is  perfectly  right — it  is  called  the 
Castle  Market.  Well,  I  was  passing  through  that 
very  identical  Castle -Market,  when  I  observed  a 
butcher  preparing  to  kill  a  calf.  He  had  a  huge  knife 
in  his  hand — it  was  as  sharp  as  a  razor.  The  calf 
was  standing  beside  him — he  drew  the  knife  to  plunge 
it  into  the  animal.  Just  as  he  was  in  the  act  of  doing 
so,  a  little  boy,  about  four  years  old, — his  only  son— 


32  Urisb  l^it  anD  Ibumor 

the  loveliest  little  baby  I  ever  saw,  ran  suddenly 
across  his  path,  and  he  killed — oh,  good  heavens,  he 
killed " 

"  The  child  !  the  child  !  the  child  !  "  vociferated 
Lord  Avonmore. 

"  No,  my  lord,  the  calf,'^  continued  Curran,  very 
cooly  ;  "he  killed  the  calf,  hnt— your  lordship  is  in  the 
habit  of  anticipating.'''' 

Why  He  Didn't  Get  Drowned 
Tom  Goold  was  expatiating  one  day  on  the  risk  he 
ran  from  a  sudden  rise  in  the  tide,  when  riding  on  the 
North  Strand,  near  Dublin  ;  he  assured  his  hearer 
(Curran)  had  he  not  been  the  very  best  horseman  in 
existence,  he  must  inevitably  have  been  drowned  ;  in 
short,  never  was  human  being  in  such  danger.  "  My 
dear  Tom,"  replied  Curran,  "there  was  one  undoubt- 
edly in  still  greater,  for  a  poor  man  was  actually 
drowned  there  on  that  morning."  "  By  heaven  !  sir," 
bellowed  Goold,  "  I  might  have  been  drowned,  if  1 
chose y 

Curran's  Sarcasm 
Lord  Chancellor  Clare,  in  a  discussion  with  Curran 
in  court  one  day  on  some  law  point,  exclaimed 
sharply,  in  reply  to  some  legal  point  urged  by  Cur- 
ran, "  Oh,  if  that  be  law,  Mr.  Curran,  I  may  burn  my 
law-books  !  "  "  You  had  better  read  them,  my  lord," 
was  the  rejoinder. 

On  another  occasion  the  Lord  Chancellor,  while 
Curran  was  addressing  him  in  a  most  important  case, 
occupied  himself  with  giving  too  much  attention  to  a 
favorite  Newfoundland  dog,  seated  by  him  in  court. 
Curran  having  ceased  speaking  through  indignation. 
Lord  Clare  raised  his  head,  and  asked  :  "  Why  don't 
you  proceed,  Mr.  Curran?  "  "  I  thought  your  lord- 
ships were  in  consultation,''''  replied  Curran. 

An  Agricultural  Conundrum 
A  wealthy  but  weak-headed  barrister  once  remarked 
to  Curran   that  "  No  one  should   be  admitted  to  the 
bar  who  had  not   an  independent  landed  property." 


Urieb  Wit  anD  Ibumor  33 

"May  I  ask,  sir,"  replied   Curran,  "how  many  acres 
make  a  wise-acre  ?  '  * 

A  Liquor  He  Had  Never  Tasted 

Curran,  who  was  a  Protestant,  once  attended  an 
aggregate  meeting  of  Roman  Catholics.  His  reception 
was  such  that  he  was  compelled  to  say  something,  but 
he  confined  himself  to  the  mere  expression  of  his 
thanks.  He  was  much  gratified,  and,  in  allusion  to 
the  scene,  said  next  day  in  the  hall  of  the  Four 
Courts,  "  Well,  O'Connell,  I  scarcely  wonder  at  your 
being  so  fond  of  popularity  ;  it  is  undoubtedly  a 
delicious  draught."  A  solemn  sergeant,  who  hap- 
pened to  be  present,  replied,  "  Well,  Curran,  I  never 
thought  so."  "In  truth,  my  dear  sergeant,"  said 
Curran,  "  you're  but  a  bad  judge  of  a  liquor  _}'ou 
never  tasted.'''' 

Curran's  Playfulness 

One  day  Curran  had  a  violent  argument  with  a 
country  schoolmaster  on  some  classical  subject.  The 
pedagogue,  who  had  the  worst  of  it,  said  in  a  tower- 
ing passion,  that  he  would  lose  no  more  time,  but 
must  go  back  to  his  scholars.  "  Do,  my  dear  doctor," 
said  Curran,  but  don'' t  indorse  my  sins  upon  their 
backs. ''^ 


Curran  was  told  that  a  very  stingy  and  slovenly 
barrister  had  started  for  the  Continent  with  a  shirt 
and  a  guinea.  "  He'll  not  change  either  till  he  comes 
back,"  said  he. 

Curran  was  once  engaged  in  a  legal  argument  ; 
behind  him  stood  his  colleague,  a  gentlemxan  whose 
person  was  remarkably  tall  and  slender,  and  who  was 
originally  intended  to  take  holy  orders.  The  judge, 
observing  that  the  case  under  discussion  involved  a 
question  of  ecclesiastical  law  :  "  Then,"  said  Curran, 
"I  can  refer  your  lordship  to  a  high  authority  behind 
me  who  was  intended  for  the  church,  though  in  my 
opinion  he  was  fitter  for  the  steeple." 

3 


34  trigb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

A  very  stupid  foreman  once  asked  a  judge  how  they 
were  to  ignore  a  bill?  "Why,  sir,"  said  Curran, 
"  when  you  mean  to  find  a  true  one,  just  write  Igiio- 
ramus  for  self  and  fellows  on  the  back  of  it." 


Mr.  Curran  was  addressing  a  jury  at  one  of  the 
state  trials  in  1803  with  his  usual  animation.  The 
judge,  whose  political  bias,  if  any  judge  can  have  one, 
was  certainly  supposed  not  to  be  favorable  to  the 
prisoner,  shook  his  head  in  doubt  or  denial  of  one  of 
the  advocate's  arguments.  "  I  see,  gentlemen,"  said 
Mr.  Curran,  "  I  see  the  motion  of  his  lordship's  head  ; 
common  observers  might  imagine  that  implied  a 
difference  of  opinion,  but  they  would  be  mistaken  ;  it 
is  merely  accidental.  Believe  me,  gentlemen,  if  you 
remain  here  many  days  you  will  yourselves  perceive 
that  when  his  lordship  shakes  his  head  there's  nothing 
in  it .' " 

A  certain  chief  justice,  on  hearing  an  ass  bray, 
interrupted  Curran  in  his  speech  to  the  jury,  by  say- 
ing :  "  One  at  a  time,  Mr.  Curran,  if  you  please."  The 
speech  being  finished,  the  judge  began  his  charge, 
and  during  its  progress  the  ass  sent  forth  the  full 
force  of  its  lungs,  whereupon  the  advocate  said : 
"  Does  not  your  lordship  hear  a  remarkable  echo  in 
court?  " 


Lord  Norbury,  going  as  a  judge  on  the  Munster 
Circuit,  was,  as  usual,  so  strict  in  the  administration 
of  criminal  justice,  that  few,  of  whose  guilt  there  was 
any  grounds  of  suspicion,  were  suffered  to  escape 
merely  through  any  slovenly  flaws  in  the  wording  of 
their  indictments,  or  doubts  upon  the  testimony. 
Dining,  as  usual,  with  the  seniors  of  the  bar  at  the 
next  inn,  a  gentleman,  who  sat  near  the  judge,  asked 
leave  to  help  his  lordship  to  a  part  of  a  pickled 
tongue.  Lord  Norbury  replied  that  he  did  not  like 
pickled  tongue,  but  if  it  had  been  hung,  he  would  try 
it.  Curran,  who  sat  on  the  other  side,  said  that  "  the 
defect  was  easily  obviated,  for  if  his  lordship  would 
only  try  it,  it  would  certainly  be  hung.'' 


Tlcisb  ma  anD  Ibumoc  35 

Curran's  Felicity  of  Illustration 

At  the  assizes  at  Cork,  Curran  had  once  just  entered 
upon  his  case,  and  stated  the  facts  to  the  jury.  He 
then,  with  his  usual  impressiveness  and  pathos, 
appealed  to  their  feelings,  and  was  concluding  the 
whole  with  this  sentence  :  "  Thus,  gentlemen,  I  trust 
I  have  made  the  innocence  of  that  j^ersecuted  man  as 
clear  to  you  as  " — at  that  instance  the  sun,  which  had 
hitherto  been  over-clouded,  shot  its  rays  into  the 
court-house — "  as  clear  to  you,"  continued  he,  "as 
yonder  sunbeam,  which  now  bursts  in  upon  us,  and 
supplies  me  with  its  splendid  illustration." 

A  Herd  of  Irish  Bulls 

Colonel  Saunderson,  M.  P.,  in  a  vigorous  anti-Home- 
Rule  speech,  in  the  House  of  Commons,  on  March  6, 
1890,  gave  the  house  the  following  information:  "  I 
was  born  Irish,  and  have  been  so  ever  since. '" 


A  ver}--  laughable  incident  once  occurred  in  the 
House  of  Commons.  An  Irish  member  having  risen, 
was  assailed  by  loud  cries  of  "Spoke!  Spoke!" 
meaning  that  having  spoken  once  already,  he  had  no 
right  to  do  so  a  second  time.  He  had  evidently  a 
second  speech  struggling  in  his  breast  for  an  intro- 
duction into  the  world,  when  seeing,  after  remaining 
for  some  time  on  his  legs,  that  there  was  not  the 
slightest  chance  of  being  suffered  to  deliver  a  sentence 
of  it,  he  observed,  with  imperturbable  gravity,  and 
in  rich  Tipperary  brogue  :  "  If  honorable  gintlemin 
suppose  that  I  was  going  to  spake  again,  they  are 
quite  mistaken.  I  merely  rose  for  the  purpose  of  say- 
ing that  I  had  nothing  more  to  say  on  the  subject." 
The  House  was  convulsed  with  laughter,  for  a  few 
seconds  afterwards,  at  the  exceeding  ready  wit  of  the 
Hibernian  M.  P. 


An  Irish  member  said  on  one  occasion,  with  similar 
felicity  :  "  Sir,  if  I  have  any  partiality  for  the  honor- 
able gentleman,  it  is  a  partiality  against  him." 


36  Hcisb  Mit  and  Ibumor 

In  the  Irish  Lank  Bill,  passed  in  June  1808,  there 
was  a  clause  providing  that  the  profits  should  be 
equally  divided,  and  that  the  residue  should  be  given 
to  tlie  governor. 


The  Hon.  Dennis  O'Connor,  who  was  very  tenacious 
of  fabricating  bulls,  with  all  his  sagacity,  was  con- 
tinually erring.  Happening  one  day  to  go  into  a 
linen-draper's  shop,  he  asked  the  price  of  a  pair  of 
gloves  which  took  his  fancy.  Thinking  the  quotation 
exorbitant,  he  exclaimed  :  "  Och  !  sooner  than  be 
imposed  upon,  my  hands  shall  go  barefoot  for  the 
rest  of  my  life." 


An  Irish  gentleman,  noted  for  his  fertility  in  making 
bulls,  was  once  walking  through  a  street,  and  was 
recognized  by  two  boys  who  were  looking  out  of  an 
upstair   window.     One   of  them   cried,  "  There  goes 

Mr. ,  who  makes  so  many  bulls."     Looking  up, 

the  gentleman  retorted ;  "  You  young  rascals  !  I 
know  you  well  enough  ;  and  if  I  only  had  you  here, 
I'd  kick  you  downstairs." 


A  quartermaster  in  a  regiment  of  light  horse,  who 
was  six  feet  high  and  very  corpulent,  was  joking  with 
an  Irishman  concerning  the  natural  proneness  of  his 
countrymen  to  make  bulls  in  conversation.  "  By  my 
sowl,"  said  the  Irishman,  "  Ireland  never  made  such  a 
bull  in  all  its  lifetime  as  England  did  when  she  made 
a  light  horseman  of  you." 


During  a  season  of  great  drought,  on  one  occasion, 
at  Gibraltar,  an  Irish  officer  said,  he  "  was  very  easy 
about  the  matter,  for  he  had  nothing  to  do  with 
water ;  if  he  only  got  his  '  tay  '  in  the  morning,  and 
his  punch  at  night,  it  was  all  he  wanted." 


Letter  from  an  Irish  Baronet  (Sir  Boyle  Roche  to  a 
friend  in  London,  during  the  Irish  Rebellion  of  1798  : 


1lrl0b  ma  anD  Ibumor  37 

My  dear  Sir  :  Having  now  a  little  peace  and 
quietness,  I  sit  down  to  inform  you  of  the  dreadful 
bustle  and  confusion  we  are  in  from  these  blood- 
thirsty rebels,  most  of  whom  are,  however,  thank 
God,  killed  and  dispersed.  We  are  in  a  pretty  mess  : 
can  get  nothing  to  eat,  nor  any  wine  to  drink,  except 
whiskey,  and  when  we  sit  down  to  dinner,  we  are 
obliged  to  keep  both  hands  armed ;  whilst  I  write  this 
letter  I  hold  a  sword  in  o)ie  hand,  and  a  pistol  in  the 
other.  I  concluded  from  the  beginning  that  this 
would  be  the  end  of  it  ;  and  I  saw  I  was  right,  for  it 
is  not  half  over  yet.  At  present  there  are  snch  goings 
on  that  everything  is  at  a  stand.  I  should  have 
answered  your  letter  a  fortnight  ago,  but  I  only 
received  it  this  morning.  Indeed,  hardly  a  mail 
arrives  safe,  without  being  robbed.  No  longer  ago 
than  yesterday,  the  coach  with  the  mails  from  Dublin 
was  robbed  near  the  town  ;  the  bags  had  been  judici- 
ously left  behind,  for  fear  of  accidents  ;  and  by  good 
luck,  there  was  nobody  in  the  coach,  but  two  outside 
passengers,  who  had  nothi)ig  for  the  thieves  to  take. 
Last  Thursday,  an  alarm  was  given  that  a  gang  of 
rebels  were  advancing  hither,  under  the  French 
standard :  but  they  had  no  colors,  nor  any  drums, 
except  bagpipes.  Immediately  every  man  in  the 
place,  including  women  and  boys,  ran  out  to  meet 
them.  We  soon  found  our  force  much  too  little,  and 
they  were  far  too  near  for  us  to  think  of  retreating  ; 
death  was  in  the  face  ;  but  to  it  we  went,  and  by  the 
time  half  o\  our  party  was  killed,  we  begun  to  be  all 
alive.  Fortunately  the  rebels  had  no  guns  but  pistols, 
cutlasses  and  pikes  ;  and  as  we  had  plenty  of  muskets 
and  ammunition,  we  put  them  all  to  the  sword  ;  not 
a  soul  of  them  escaped,  except  5o;;/<f  that  were  drowned 
in  an  adjoining  bog  ;  and,  in  a  very  short  time,  noth- 
ing was  to  be  heard  but  silence.  Their  uniforms  were 
all  of  different  colors,  but  mostly  green.  After  the 
action,  we  went  to  rummage  their  camp  ;  all  we  found 
was  a  few  pikes  without  heads,  a  parcel  of  empty 
bottles/?///  of  water,  and  a  bundle  of  blank  French 
commissions 7f//<?rf  7//»  with  Irishmen's  names.  Troops 
are    now    stationed  everywhere  round   the   country, 


38  Irfsb  Wiit  anD  tbumor 

which  exactly  squares  with  my  ideas.  Nothing,  how- 
ever, can  save  us  but  a  union  with  England,  which 
would  turn  our  barren  hills  into  fertile  valleys.  I  have 
only  leisure  to  add,  that  I  am,  \n  great  haste.  Yours 
truly,  Boyle  Roche." 

"  P.  S. — If  you  do  not  receive  this  in  course,  it  must 
have  miscarried ;  therefore,  I  beg  you  will  imme- 
diately write  to  let  me  know.^^ 


Sir  Boyle  also  once  sent  an  amusing  equivocal 
invitation  to  an  Irish  nobleman  of  his  acquaintance  : 
"  I  hope,  my  lord,  if  ever  you  come  within  a  mile  of 
my  house,  that  you'll  stay  there  all  night.'' 


When  he  was  suffering  from  an  attack  of  gout,  he 
thus  rebuked  his  shoemaker  :  "  Oh  !  you'ne  a  precious 
blockhead  to  do  directly  the  reverse  of  what  I  desired 
you.  I  told  you  to  make  one  of  the  shoes  larger  \.\\^x\ 
the  other,  and  instead  of  that  you  have  made  one  of 
them  smaller  than  the  other." 


Once,  when  it  was  stated,  on  the  occasion  of  a 
debate  on  some  money  grant,  that  it  was  unjust  to 
saddle  posterity  with  a  debt  incurred  to  benefit  the 
present.  Sir  Boyle  rose  and  said  :  "  Why  should  we 
beggar  ourselves  to  benefit  posterity?  What  has 
posterity  done  for  us?"  The  laugh  which  followed 
rather  surprised  him,  as  he  was  unconscious  of  his 
blunder.  He  proceeded  to  explain  :  "  Sir,  by  posterity 
I  do  not  mean  our  ancestors,  but  those  who  come 
immediately  after  them.'" 


In  1794,  when  the  leather  tax  was  being  debated  in 
the  House,  Mr.  Vandeclure  having  said  that  "the  tax 
on  leather  will  be  severely  felt  by  the  barefooted 
peasantry  o\  Ireland,"  Sir  Boyle  answered,  "  This  can 
be  very  easily  remedied  by  making  the  under  leather 
of  wood.''' 


Irieb  "Mil  anD  Ibumor  39 

It  was  Sir  Boyle,  too,  who  said  that  "single  mis- 
fortunes never  come  alone,  and  the  greatest  of  all 
possible  misfortunes  is  generally  followed  by  a  much 
greater."  

Fearing  the  progress  of  revolutionary  opinions,  Sir 
Boyle  once  drew  a  frightful  picture  of  the  future, 
warning  honorable  members  that  the  House  of  Com- 
mons might  be  invaded  by  ruffians,  who,  said  he, 
"  would  cut  us  to  mince  meat,  and  throw  our  bleeding 
heads  on  that  table,  to  stare  us  in  the  face." 


Again,  arguing  for  the  Habeas  Corpus  Suspension 
Bill  in  Ireland,  Sir  Boyle  said  :  "  It  would  be  better, 
Mr.  Speaker,  to  give  up  not  only  a  part,  but,  if  neces- 
sary, even  the  whole  of  our  Constitution,  to  preserve 
the  remainder y  

Speaking  on  the  much-vexed  Irish  question,  Sir 
Boyle  said  :  "  The  counthry  is  overrun  by  absentee 
landlords "  ;  and  after  a  magnificent  peroration, 
delivered  from  the  tub  on  which  he  was  standing,  he 
said  :  "  I  tell  you  the  cup  of  Old  Ireland's  misery  is 
overflowing;  ay,  and  it's  not  full  yet." 


On  another  occasion,  speaking  of  a  certain  minister's 
well-known  love  of  money,  the  worthy  Baronet 
observed  :  "  Let  not  the  honorable  member  express  a 
contempt  for  money,  for  if  there  is  any  one  office  that 
glitters  in  the  eyes  of  the  honorable  member,  it  is  that 
of  purse-bearer  ;  a  pension  to  him  is  a  compendium  of 
all  the  cardinal  virtues.  All  his  statesmanship  is 
comprehended  in  the  art  of  taxing;  and  for  good, 
better  and  best  in  the  scale  of  human  nature,  he  inva- 
riably reads  pence,  shillings  and  pounds.  I  verily 
believe,"  continued  the  orator,  rising  to  the  height  of 
his  conception,  "  that  if  the  honorable  gentleman  were 
an  undertaker,  it  would  be  the  delight  of  his  heart  to 
see  all  mankind  seized  with  a  common  mortality,  that 
he  might  have  the  benefit  of  the  general  burial,  and 
provide  scarfs  and  hat-bands  for  the  survivors.'* 


40  Irieb  lUit  anD  Ibumoc 

In  the  colony  of  Victoria,  Sir  Bryan  O'Loghlen, 
M.  P.,  gravely  told  the  Supreme  Court  that  "  a  verbal 
agreement  is  not  worth  tlie  paper  it's  written  on." 


An  Irish  editor  said  that  he  could  see  no  earthly 
reason  why  women  should  not  be  allowed  to  become 
medical  men. 


"  Pat,"  said  a  gentleman  to  his  servant,  "  what's  all 

that  noise  in  the  street?"    "  Oh,  nothing,  sir;  they're 
ow\y /o?-cing  a  man  to  join  the  volunleersy 


An  Irishman  going  to  the  post-office,  inquif^d  if 
there  were  any  letters  for  him.  "  Your  name,  sir?" 
said  the  clerk.  "  There  is  a  good  one,  now,"  said  the 
Hibernian;   "  why,  won't  you  see   it   on  the  back  of 

the  letter?  " 

A  Good  Servant  not  Necessarily  a  Good  Private 
Secretary 

After  the  battle  of  Corunna  one  of  the  captains  of 
the  English  army  entrusted  the  report  of  a  recent 
action  to  his  servant  (an  Irishman)  to  be  forwarded 
to  the  Adjutant-General.  His  servant,  however,  had 
just  written  a  letter  to  one  of  his  friends  in  Ireland, 
and  in  mistake  sent  the  list  of  casualties  to  her,  and 
his  own  letter  to  the  Adjutant-General.  Being  unable 
lo  write  he  asked  a  comrade  to  do  it  for  him,  and  his 
amanuensis,  in  more  than  one  instance,  committed  to 
paper  more  than  Paddy  dictated.  The  interpolations 
of  the  writer  are  given  in  italics  : 

"Mrs.  M'Gra:  Tear-an-ages,  shure  I  need  not  be 
healing  her  that  way.  Now  jusl  say,  Mrs.  Mary— ay, 
Ihani  do— Mrs.  Mary,  it's  maybe  surprised  you'll  be 
to  be  reading  a  letter  from  your  humble  servant,  sit- 
ting on  the  top  of  the  AXyis—Ariah,  maybe  it's  not  the 
Alps;  but  sure,  she' II  never  know— iorn<:\M  the  whole 
French  army,  with  Bony  himself  and  all  his  jinnerais 
—God  be  between  us  and  harm  !— ready  to  murther 
every  mother's  son   of  us,  av   they  was   able,  Molly 


Hrlsb  llClit  anO  Ibumor  4i 

darlin'  !  but,  with  the  blessing  of  Providence,  and 
Lord  Wellington,  and  Mister  Charles  (his  master), 
we'll  hate  them  yet,  as  we  bate  them  afore. 

"  My  lips  is  wathering  at  the  thought  o'  the  plunder. 
I  often  think  of  Tim  Riley,  that  was  hanged  for  sheep- 
stealing;  he'd  be  worth  his  weight  in  gold  here. 

"  Mr.  Charles  is  now  a  captain— divil  a  less— and 
meself  might  be  something  that  same,  but  ye  see,  I 
was  always  of  a  bashful  nature,  and  recommended 
the  masther  in  my  place.  He's  mighty  young,  Mister 
Charles  '\s -.—saj/s  my  Lord  U'ellinglon  to  me— 'he's 
mighty  young ,  Mr.  Free:  '  He  is,  my  lord'  says  /, 
'  he' s yoting  as  yoit  obsarz'e—hvX  he's  as  much  divil- 
ment  in  him  as  many  as  might  be  his  father.'— '  TV/a/V 
something,  ^fr.  Free'  says  my  lord ;  'ye  say—\\Q 
comes  of  a  good  stock?'— 'The  rale  sort,— wv  lord' 
says  /— 'anould  ancient  family,  that's  spent  every  six- 
pence they  had  in  treating  their  neighbors.  My 
father  lived  near  them  for  years  '—Yon  see,  Molly,  1 
said  that  to  season  the  discoorse.—'  We' II  make  him  a 
captain,'  says  my  lord ;  'but,  Mr.  Free,  could  zee  do 
nothing  for  you  ?  '  '  Nothing  at  present,  my  lord.'— 
'  When  my  friends  come  into  power  '—says  /— '  they'll 
think  of  me.  There's  many  a  little  thing  to  give 
away  in  Ireland— a«flf  they  often  find  it  mighty  hard 
to  find  a  man  for  lord-lieutenant  ;—'a\-\6.  \\—lhat  same 
or— a.  tide-waiter's  place  was  vacant,' — fust  tell  me,* 
says  my  lord.  '  It's  what  I'll  do,'  says  I ;  '  and  now, 
wishing  you  happy  dreams,  P II  take  my  lave.'  fust 
so,  Molly,  it's  hand  and  glove  we  are— a.  pleasant  face, 
agreeable  manners,  seasoned  with  natural  modesty— 
and  a  good  pair  of  legs— them's  the  gifts  to  push  a 
man's  way  in  the  world.  And  even  with  the  ladies— 
but  sure  I'm  forgetting  my  masther  was  proposed  for, 
and  your  humble  servant,  too,  by  two  illigant  creatures 
in  Lisbon  ;  but  it  wouldn't  do,  Molly— it's  higher  nor 
that  we'll  be  looking— rale  princesses,  the  divil  a  less. 
Tell  Kitty  Hannigan  I  hope  she's  well  ;  she  was  a 
desarving  young  woman  in  her  situation  in  life. 
Shusey  Dogherty,  at  the  cross-roads— if  I  don't  for- 
get the  name— was  a  good-looking  slip,  too  ;  give  her 
my  affectionate  salutations,  as  we  say  in  the    Portu- 


42  lci6b  "Mit  and  fjumoc 

gese.  I  hope  I'!'  be  able  to  bear  the  inclementuous 
nature  of  your  climate,  when  I  go  back  ;  but  I  can't 
•expect  to  stay  long-^^o^  Lord  Wellington  can't  do 
ivithont  me.  We  play  duets  on  the  guitar  together 
every  evening — the  masthur  is  shouting  for  a  blanket, 
so  no  more  at  present,  from  your  very  affectionate 
friend— Mickey  Free. 

"  P.  S.— I  don't  write  this  myself^or  the  Spanish 
tongue  puts  me  out  o'  the  habit  of  English — Tell 
Father  Rush — if  he'd  study  Portuguese,  V d  use  my 
interest  for  him  with  the  Bishop  of  Toledo — it's  a 
country  he'd  like — no  regular  stations,  but  promiscu- 
ous eating  and  drinking,  and  as  pretty  girls  as  ever 
confessed  their  sins."      [i] 

The  Wit  and  Humor  of  the  Irish    Begging 
Profession 

The  first  peculiarity  that  strikes  a  stranger  on  land- 
ing in  any  part  of  Ireland,  is  the  multiplicity  of  beg- 
gars. Their  wit  and  humor  are  as  proverbial  as  their 
rags  and  wretchedness ;  and  both  too  frequently 
excite  a  laugh  at  the  cost  of  serious  reflections  upon 
their  misery  and  the  means  by  which  it  may  be  les- 
sened. Every  town  is  full  of  these  objects,  who 
parade  their  afflictions  with  ostentation,  or  exhibit 
their  half-naked  children  as  so  many  claims  to  alms 
as  a  right.  Age,  decrepitude,  imbecility  and  disease 
surround  the  car  the  moment  it  stops,  or  block  up  the 
shop  doors,  so  as,  for  a  time,  effectually  to  prevent 
either  entrance  or  exit.  "  In  the  small  town  of  Mac- 
room,"  says  a  visitor,  "  about  which  we  walked  one 
evening,  desiring  to  examine  it  undisturbed,  we 
had  refused,  in  positive  terms,  to  relieve  any  appli- 
cant ;  promising,  however,  the  next  morning  to 
bestow  a  halfpenny  each  upon  all  who  might  ask  it. 
The  news  spread,  and  no  beggars  intruded  themselves 
on  our  notice  that  night.  Next  day  it  cost  us  exactly 
three  shillings  and  tenpence  to  redeem  our  pledge- 
no  fewer  than  ninety-two  having  assembled  at  the  inn 
gate.  We  encountered  them  nearly  in  the  same  pro- 
portion in  every  town  through  which  we  passed." 

It  is  vain  to  plead  inability  to  relieve  them  ;  if  you 


Irt6b  mil  an&  Ibumor  43 

have  no  halfpence  the  answer  is  ready:  "  Ah,  but 
we'll  divide  a  little  sixpence  between  us  "  ;  aiid  then 
comes  the  squabble  as  to  which  of  the  group  shall  be 
made  agent  for  the  rest.  Every  imaginable  mode  of 
obtaining  a  gratuity  is  resorted  to  ;  distorted  limbs 
are  exposed,  rags  as  studiously  displayed,  and  almost 
invariably  a  half-idiot,  with  his  frightful  glare  and 
paralyzed  voice,  is  among  them.  The  language  in 
which  they  frame  their  petitions  is  always  pointed, 
forcible  and  generally  highly  poetic  :  "  Good  luck  to 
yer  ladyship's  happy  face  this  morning;  shure  ye'll 
lave  the  light  heart  in  my  bussom  before  ye  go?" 
"  Oh,  thin,  look  at  the  poor  that  can't  look  at  you, 
my  lady;  the  dark  (blind)  man  that  can't  see  if  yer 
beauty  is  like  yer  sweet  voice."  "  Darling  gintleman, 
the  heavens  be  yer  bed  and  give  us  something." 
"  Oh,  the  blessing  of  the  widdy  and  five  small  chil- 
dren, that's  waiting  for  yer  honor's  bounty,  '11  be  wid 
ye  on  the  road."  "  Oh,  help  the  poor  craythur  that's 
got  no  childre  to  show  j-er  honor— they're  down  in  the 
sickness,  and  the  man  that  owns  them  at  sea."  "  Oh, 
then,  won't  yer  ladyship  buy  a  dying  woman's 
prayers  chape?"  "They're  keeping  me  back  from  the 
penny  you're  going  to  give  me,  lady  dear,  because  I'm 
wake  in  myself  and  the  heart's  broke  wid  the  hunger." 


A  beggar,  on  receiving  a  refusal  from  a  Poor  Law 
commissioner,  addressed  him  with:  "Ah,  then,  it's 
little  business  you'd  have  oni>  for  the  likes  of  us." 


Another,  vainly  soliciting  charity  from  a  gentleman 
with  red  hair,  thrust  forward  her  child  wnth  :  "And 
won't  ye  give  a  ha'penny  to  the  little  boy  ?  Shure 
he's  foxy,  like  yer  honor."  "You've  lost  all  your 
teeth,"  was  said  to  one  of  them.  "  Time  for  me  to 
lose  'em  when  they'd  nothing  to  do,"  was  the  reply. 


"  Some  time  ago,"  says  a  visitor,  we  were  traveling 
in  a  stage-coach,  and  at  Naas,  where  we  had  been 
told  '  that  the  native  beggars  double  the  population  of 
the  town,'  a  person  inside  told  a  troublesome  and 


44  Urisb  TPClit  anD  Ibumor 

persevering  applicant  very  coarsely  to  go  to .    The 

woman  turned  up  her  eyes  and  said,  with  inimitable 
humor,  'Ah,  then,  it's  a  long  journey  your  honor's 
sending  us  ;  maybe  yer  honor  '11  give  us  somethuig  to 
pay  our  expenses.'  We  saw,  in  Waterford,  a  gentle- 
man angrily  repulse  a  beggar,  with  a  call  to  his  ser- 
vant to  shut  the  door  ;  and  an  odd  soliloquy  followed. 
The  woman  half  murmured  and  half  hissed  ;  '  Shut  the 
door  !  and  that's  it,  is  it  ?  Oh,  then,  that's  what  I'll  be 
saying  to  you  when  ye  want  to  pass  through  the  gate 
of  heaven.  It's  then  I'll  be  saying  to  St.  Peter  :  Shut 
the  door,  St.  Peter,  says  I,  to  a  dhurty  nagur,  that  'ud 
disgrace  the  place  intirely,  says  I — and  ye'll  be  axing 
me  to  let  ye  in  ;  the  never  a  fut,  says  I  ;  slvut  the 
door,  says  I  ;  shut  the  door  !  Ould-go-by-the-ground 
(the  person  who  had  excited  her  wrath  was  of  dimin- 
utive stature),  what' 11  ye  say  then  ?  '  " 


"  May  the  spotted  fever  split  you  in  halves  !  "  was 
a  curse  uttered  by  a  beggar  who  had  been  refused 
somewhat  roughly.  "  Foxy-head,  foxy-head,"  was 
called  out  by  one  as  a  reproach  to  another.  "  That 
ye  may  never  see  the  Dyer  !  "  was  the  instant  answer. 


A  traveler's  purse  had  been  exhausted,  and  he  was 
deaf  to  the  prayer  of  one  who  was  covered  so 
meagrely  as  that  she  could  scarcely  be  said  to  be 
clad.  She  turned  away  at  last,  with  a  shrug  of  the 
shoulders,  murmuring  :  "  Well,  God  be  praised  !  it's 
fine  summer  clothing  we  have,  any  way." 


The  beggars  in  Cork  seldom  appear  in  public 
until  nearly  mid-day.  "  Sitting  at  the  window  of  our 
hotel,"  writes  one,  "  our  attention  had  been  frequently 
called  from  the  book  we  were  reading  by  the  queru- 
lous whine  of  a  beggar,  who  uttered  at  intervals,  not 
far  between,  the  customary  salutation  of  '  Good  luck 
to  ye,'  and  the  usual  accompaniment  of  *  Lave  us  a 
ha'penny  for  God's  sake,  for  the  lone  widdv  and  her 
five  fatherless  childre.'  As  we  heard  but  few  bless- 
-ngs  follow  the  appeal,  we  concluded  her  efforts  were 


Urisb  TDClit  anD  Ibumor  45 

unsuccessful  ;  the  more  especially  that  at  times  her 
prayer  ended  with  an  undefined  growl,  that  sounded 
very  like  its  opposite.  Still  she  kept  her  position 
directly  beneath  our  window.  We  had  seen  her  there 
in  the  morning  ;  her  tattered  grey  cloak  falling  back 
from  her  long  lean  neck  ;  her  dirty  cap  so  torn  as  to 
be  insufficient  to  conceal  her  tresses  ;  her  right  hand 
supported  by  her  left,  so  as  to  stand  out  in  the  most 
imploring  posture  ;  while  she  lolled  first  on  one  side, 
then  on  the  other,  sometimes  balanced  on  her  right, 
then  on  her  left  foot— the  sad  picture  of  confirmed  and 
hardened  beggary.  As  the  evening  was  closing  in, 
we  were  calculating  how  much  longer  she  would 
remain  in  the  same  spot,  when  a  very  loud  double 
knock  echoed  from  the  opposite  side  of  the  street,  fol- 
lowed almost  immediately  by  the  woman's  strenu- 
ously repeated  petition  with  the  addition  of  '  Do,  dear 
honorable,  handsome  young  gentleman,  bestow  a 
half  penny  on  a  poor  lone  widdy,  with  sive7i  small 
starvin'  childre  that  haven't  broke  their  fast  this 
blessed  day.'  We  looked  out  of  the  window  and  saw 
she  was  urging  her  request  most  emphatically,  while 
the  young  man  thundered  again  at  the  knocker. 
'  Why,  thin,  more  power  to  your  elbow,  and  it's  yer- 
self  that's  strong  enough  in  the  wrist,  anyhow.  God, 
keep  it  to  ye,  sir,  and  lave  the  little  token  of  a  half- 
penny with  the  lone  widdy  and  her  siven  fatherless 
childre.'  '  I  really  have  not  any  silver  about  me,' 
drawled  the  young  man.  '  Bedad,'  replied  the  beggar, 
'  I  did  not  ask  ye  for  silver,  nor  goold,  but  for  one  little 
halfpenny  for  the  broken-hearted  widdy  and  her  poor 
naked  fatherless  childre.'  '  I  tell  you  I've  no  half- 
pence,' replied  he,  losing  what  people  should  never 
lose  anywhere,  least  of  all  in  Ireland,  where  the  loss 
is  immediately  turned  against  the  loser,  viz.,  his  tem- 
per. '  Why,  thin,  bad  luck  to  ye  ! '  she  exclaimed, 
setting  both  her  arms  akimbo  and  looking  a  fury,  while 
the  impatient  youth  knocked  more  loudly.  '  What, 
thin,  did  ye  bring  me  from  my  comfortable  sate  across 
the  street  wid  such  a  knock  as  that  for,  if  ye  hadn't 
money  in  yer  pocket— ye  poor,  half-starved,  whey- 
faced  gossoon.'  " 


46  lri0b  TlClit  anO  Dumor 

One  beggar  had  followed  a  gentleman,  to  his  great 
annoyance,  for  upwards  of  a  mile,  and  on  bidding 
him  good-bye,  had  the  modesty  to  ask  for  a  little  six- 
pence. "For  what?"  inquired  the  gentleman: 
"  what  have  you  done  for  me  ?  "  "  Ah,  then,  shure, 
haven't  I  been  keeping  your  honor  in  discoorse  ?  "   [2] 

How  Pat  Learned  to  Salute  His  Superior 
Officer 

When  Charles  O'Malley  started  on  his  military 
career  he  went  to  Cork,  accompanied  by  his  servant 
Mike.  On  the  road  Mike's  voice  had  been  heard  at 
the  back  part  of  the  coach,  and  he  was  surrounded  by 
a  few  raw  recruits  who  were  proceeding  to  Cork  to  be 
enrolled  in  their  regiment. 

He  detailed — and  in  no  unimpressive  way,  either — 
the  hardships  of  a  soldier's  life — its  dangers,  its  vicis- 
situdes its  chances,  its  possible  penalties,  its  inevi- 
tably small  rewards — and,  in  fact,  so  completely  did 
he  work  on  the  feelings  of  his  hearers,  that  more  than 
one  glance  was  exchanged  between  the  victims,  that 
certainly  betokened  anything  but  the  resolve  to  fight 
for  King  George.  It  was  at  the  close  of  a  long  and 
most  powerful  appeal  upon  the  superiority  of  any 
other  line  of  life — petty  larceny  and  small  felony 
inclusive— that  he  concluded  with  the  following 
quotation  : 

"  '  Thrue  for  ye,  bhoys  ! 

With  your  red  scarlet  coat, 
You're  as  proud  as  a  goat, 

And  your  long  cap  and  feather.' 
"  But,  it's  more  whipping  nor  gingerbread  is  going  on 
arnongst   them,  av  ye  knew   but   all,   and   heard  the 
misfortune  that  happened  to  my  father." 
"  And  was  he  a  sodger  ?  "  inquired  one. 
"  Troth  he  was,  more  sorrow  to  him  ;   and  wasn't 
he    almost    whipped    one    day,    for   doing    what    he 
was  bid?" 

"  Musha,  but  that  was  hard." 

"  To  be  sure  it  was  hard  ;  but,  faix,  when  mv  father 
see  that  they  didn't  know  their  own  minds,  he  thought. 


Irleb  ma  anD  Tbumoi:  47 

anyhow,  he  knew  his,  so  he  ran  away  ;  and  divil  a  bit 
of  him  did  they  ever  cotch  afther.  Maybe  ye  might 
like  to  hear  the  story,  and  there's  instruction  in  it  for 
yez,  too." 

A  general  request  to  this  end  being  preferred  by  the 
company,  Mike  settled  his  coat  comfortably  across  his 
knees,  and  began  : 

"  Well,  it's  a  good  many  years  ago  my  father  listed 
in  the  North  Cork,  just  to  oblige  Mr.  Barry,  the  land- 
lord there  ;  '  for,'  says  he,  '  Phil,'  says  he,  '  it's  not  a 
soldier  ye'll  be  at  all,  but  my  own  man,  to  brush  my 
clothes  and  go  errands,  and  the  like  of  that,  and 
the  king— long  life  to  him  !— will  help  to  pay  ye  for 
your  throuble— ye  understand  me.'  Well,  my  father 
agreed,  and  Mr.  Barry  was  as  good  as  his  word. 
Never  a  guard  did  my  father  mount,  nor  so  much  as  a 
drill  had  he,  nor  a  roll-call,  nor  anything  at  all,  save 
and  except  wait  on  the  captain,  his  master,  just  as 
pleasant  as  need  be,  and  no  inconvenience  in  life. 

"  Well,  for  three  years,  this  went  on  as  I'm  telling, 
and  the  regiment  was  ordered  down  to  Banthry, 
because  of  a  report  that  the  '  boys  '  was  rising  down 
there ;  and  the  second  evening  there  was  a  night 
party  patrolling,  with  Captain  Barry,  for  six  hours  in 
the  rain,  and  the  captain— God  be  marciful  to  him— 
tuk  cowld  and  died  ;  more  betoken,  they  said  it  was 
drink,  but  my  father  says  it  wasn't;  'for,'  says  he, 
*  after  he  tuk  eight  tumblers  comfortable,'  my  father 
mixed  the  ninth,  and  the  captain  waved  his  hand 
this  way,  as  much  as  to  say  he'd  have  no  more.  '  Is 
it  that  ye  mean,'  says  my  father,  and  the  captain 
nodded.  '  Musha,  but  it's  sorry  I  am,'  says  my 
father,  'to  see  ye  this  way,  for  ye  must  be  bad 
entirely  to  leave  off  in  the  beginning  of  the  evening.' 
And  thrue  for  him,  the  captain  was  dead  in  the 
morning.' 

"  A  sorrowful  day  it  was  for  my  father,  when  he 
died  ;  it  was  the  finest  place  in  the  world  ;  little  to  do ; 
plenty  of  divarsion  ;  and  a  kind  man  he  was— when 
he  was  drunk.  Well,  then,  when  the  captain  was 
buried,  and  all  was  over  my  father  hoped  they'd  be 
for  letting  him  away,  as  he  said:  'Sure  I'm  no  use 


48  Urieb  'Mit  anD  Dumor 

in  life  to  anybody,  save  the  man  that's  gone,  for  his 
ways  are  all  I  know,  and  I  never  was  a  sodger,'  But, 
upon  my  conscience,  they  had  other  thoughts  in  their 
heads  ;  for  they  ordered  him  into  the  ranks  to  be 
drilled  just  like  the  recruits  they  took  the  day  before. 
"  '  Musha,  isn't  this  hard,'  said  my  father;  '  here  I 
am,  an  ould  vitrin  that  ought  to  be  discharged  on  a 
pension,  with  two-and-sixpence  a  day,  obliged  to  go 
capering  about  the  barrack-yard  practising  the  goose 
step,  or  some  other  nonsense,  not  becoming  my  age  or 
habits  ' ;  but  so  it  was.  Well,  this  went  on  for  some 
time,  and,  sure,  if  they  were  hard  on  my  father, 
hadn't  he  his  revenge,  for  he  nigh  broke  their  hearts 
with  his  stupidity ;  oh  !  nothing  in  life  would  equal 
him ;  divil  a  thing,  no  matter  how  easy,  he  could 
learn  at  all,  and,  so  far  from  caring  for  being  in  con- 
finement it  was  that  he  liked  best.  Every  sergeant 
in  the  regiment  had  a  trial  of  him,  but  all  to  no  good, 
and  he  seemed  striving  so  hard  to  learn  all  the  while, 
that  they  were  loth  to  punish  him,  the  ould  rogue  ! 

"  This  was  going  on  for  some  time,  when  one  day 
news  came  in  that  a  body  of  rebels,  as  they  called 
them,  was  coming  down  from  the  Gap  of  Mulnavick,  to 
storm  the  town,  and  burn  all  before  them.  The  whole 
regiment  was  of  course  under  arms,  and  great  prep- 
arations were  made  for  a  battle ;  meanwhile,  patrols 
were  ordered  to  scour  the  roads,  and  sentries  posted 
at  every  turn  of  the  way  and  every  rising  ground,  to 
give  warning  when  the  boys  came  in  sight,  and  my 
father  was  placed  on  the  bridge  of  Drumsnag,  in  the 
wildest  and  bleakest  part  of  the  whole  country,  with 
nothing  but  furze  mountains  on  every  side,  and  a 
straight  road  going  over  the  top  of  them. 

"  '  This  is  pleasant,'  says  my  father  as  soon  as  they 
left  him  there  alone  by  himself,  with  no  human  cray- 
ture  to  speak  to,  nor  a  whisky  shop  within  ten  mile 
of  him  ;  '  cowld  comfort,'  says  he,  '  on  a  winter's  day, 
and  faix,  but  I've  a  mind  to  give  ye  the  slip.' 

"  Well,  he  put  his  gun  down  on  the  bridge,  and  he 
lit  his  pipe,  and  he  sat  down  under  a  tree  and  began 
to  ruminate  upon  his  affairs.  '  Oh,  then,  its  wishing 
it  well  I  am,'  says  he,  'for  sodgering ;  and  bad  luck 


Hrlsb  mit  anD  Ibumor  49 

to  the  hammer  that  struck  the  shilling  that  listed  me, 
that's  all,'  for  he  was  mighty  low  in  his  heart. 

"Just  then  a  noise  came  rattling  down  near  him  ; 
he  listened  ;  and  before  he  could  get  on  his  legs,  down 
came  the  general,  ould  Cohoon,  with  an  orderly  after 
him. 

"  '  Who  goes  that  ?  '  says  my  father. 

"'The  round,'  says  the  general,  looking  about  all 
the  time  to  see  where  was  the  sentry,  for  my  father 
was  snug  under  the  tree. 

"  '  What  round  ?  '  says  my  father. 

"  '  The  grand  round,'  says  the  general,  more  puz- 
zled than  afore. 

"  '  Pass  on,  grand  round,  and  God  save  you  kindly,' 
says  my  father,  putting  his  pipe  in  his  mouth  again, 
for  he  thought  all  was  over. 

"*D n  your   soul,   where    are  you?'   says  the 

general  ;  for  sorrow  a  bit  of  my  father  could  he  see 
yet. 

"  '  It's  here  I  am,'  says  he,  '  and  a  cowld  place  I 
have  of  it;  and  av  it  wasn't  for  the  pipe  I'd  be  lost 
entirely.' 

"  The  words  wasn't  well  out  of  his  mouth,  when 
the  general  began  laughing  till  ye'd  think  he'd  fall  off 
his  horse  ;  and  the  dragoon  behind  him — more  by 
token,  they  say  it  wasn't  right  of  him— laughed  as 
loud  as  himself. 

"  '  Ye'r  a  droll  sentry,'  says  the  general  as  soon  as 
he  could  speak. 

"  *  Begorra,  it's  little  fun  there's  left  in  me,'  says  my 
father,  '  with  this  drilling,  and  parading,  and  blagard- 
ing  about  the  roads  all  night.' 

"'And  is  this  the  way  you  salute  your  officer?' 
says  the  general. 

"'Just  so,' says  my  father ;  'devil  a  more  polite- 
ness ever  they  taught  me.' 

"'What  regiment  do  you  belong  to?'  says  the 
general. 

"  *  The  North  Cork,  bad  luck  to  them,'  says  my 
father,  with  a  sigh. 

"  '  They  ought  to  be  proud  of  ye,'  says  the  gen- 
eral. 


50  Urisb  Mit  atiD  Ibumor 

"'I'm  sorry  for  it/  says  my  father,  sorrowfully, 
'  for  maybe  they'll  keep  me  the  longer.' 

"'Well,  my  good  fellow,'  says  the  general,  'I 
haven't  more  time  to  waste  here;  but  let  me  teach 
you  something  before  I  go.  Whenever  your  officer 
passes,  it's  your  duty  to  present  arms  to  him.' 

"  '  Arrah,  it's  jokin'  ye  are,'  says  my  father. 

"  '  No,  I'm  in  earnest.'  says  he,  '  as  ye  might  learn 
to  your  cost,  if  I  brought  you  to  a  court-martial.' 

"  '  Well,  there's  no  knowing,'  says  my  father,  '  what 
they'd  be  up  to  ;  but,  sure,  if  that's  all,  I'll  do  it  with 
all  "the  veins"  whenever  ye'r  coming  this  way 
again.' 

"  The  general  began  to  laugh  again  here,  but  said  : 
'  I  am  coming  back  in  the  evening,'  says  he,  '  and 
mind  you  don't  forget  your  respects  to  your  officer.' 

" '  Never  fear,  sir,'  says  my  father,  '  and  many 
thanks  to  you  for  your  kindness  for  telling  me.' 

"  Away  went  the  general,  and  the  orderly  after  him, 
and  in  ten  minutes  they  were  out  of  sight. 

"  The  night  was  falling  fast,  and  one-half  of  the 
mountain  was  quite  dark  already,  when  my  father 
began  to  think  that  they  were  forgetting  him  entirely. 
He  looked  one  way,  and  he  looked  another,  but  sorra 
bit  of  a  sergeant's  guard  was  coming  to  relieve  him. 
There  he  was,  fresh  and  fasting,  and  daren't  go  for 
the  bare  life.  '  I'll  give  you  a  quarter  of  an  hour 
more,'  says  my  father,  '  till  the  light  leaves  that  rock 
up  there  ;  afther  that,'  says  he,'  by  the  mass  !  I'll  be 
off,  av  it  cost  me  what  it  may.' 

"Well,  sure  enough,  his  courage  was  not  needed 
this  time;  for  what  did  he  see  at  the  same  moment 
but  a  shadow  of  something  coming  down  the  road, 
opposite  the  bridge;  and  then  he  made  out  the 
general  himself,  that  was  walking  his  horse  down  the 
steep  part  of  the  mountain,  followed  by  the  orderly. 
My  father  immediately  took  up  his  musket  off  the 
wall,  settled  his  belts,  shook  the  ashes  out  of  his  pipe, 
and  put  it  into  his  pocket,  making  himself  as  smart 
and  neat  looking  as  could  be,  determining,  when  old 
Cohoon  came  up  to  ask  him  for  leave  to  go  home,  at 
least  for  the  night.      Well,  by  this  time  the  general 


Icisb  wax  anD  Ibumoc  61 

was  turning  a  sharp  part  of  the  cliff  that  looks  down 
upon  the  bridge,  from  where  you  might  look  five 
miles  round  on  every  side.  '  He  sees  me,'  says  my 
father;  'but  I'll  be  jus'  as  quick  as  himself.'  No 
sooner  said  than  done;  for,  coming  forward  to  the 
parapet  of  the  bridge,  he  up  with  his  musket  to  his 
shoulder,  and  presented  it  straight  at  the  general. 
It  wasn't  well  there,  when  the  officer  pulled  up  his 
horse  quite  short,  and  shouted  out,  '  Sentry  !  sentry  !  ' 

"  '  Anan  ! '  says  my  father,  still  covering  him. 

"  '  Down  with  your  musket,  you  rascal  ;  don't  you 
see  it's  the  grand  round  ?  ' 

"  '  To  be  sure  I  do,'  says  my  father,  never  changing 
for  a  minute. 

"  '  The  ruffian  will  shoot  me,'  says  the  general. 

"  '  Divil  a  fear,'  says  my  father,  '  av  it  doesn't  go  off 
of  itself.' 

"  '  What  do  you  mean  by  that,  you  villain  ?'  says 
the  general,  scarce  able  to  speak  for  fright,  for  every 
turn  he  gave  on  his  horse  my  father  followed  with  his 
gun.     '  What  do  you  mean  ? ' 

"'Sure,  ain't  I  presenting?'  says  my  father; 
*  blood  and  ages,  do  you  want  me  to  fire  next?' 

"With  that  the  general  drew  a  pistol  from  his  hol- 
ster, and  took  deliberate  aim  at  my  father ;  and 
there  they  both  stood  for  five  minutes,  looking  at 
each  other,  the  orderly  all  the  while  breaking  his 
heart  with  laughing  behind  a  rock  ;  for,  ye  see,  the 
general  knew  if  he  retreated  that  my  father  might 
fire  on  purpose,  and  av  he  came  on  that  he  might  fire 
by  chance  ;  and  sorra  bit  he  knew  what  was  best  to 
be  done. 

"  'Are  ye  going  to  pass  the  evening  up  there,  grand 
round  ? '  says  my  father,  '  for  its  tired  I'm  gettin' 
houldin'  this  so  long?' 

"  '  Port  arms,'  shouted  the  general,  as  if  on  parade. 

"'Sure,  I  can't,  till  ye'r  passed,' says  my  father, 
angrily,  'and  my  hand's  trembling  already.' 

"  '  By  heavens  !  I  shall  be  shot,'  says  the  general. 

"  '  Begorra,  it's  what  I'm  afraid  of,'  says  my  father  ; 
and  the  words  wasn't  out  of  his  mouth  before  off  went 
the  musket,  bang !  and  down  fell  the  general   smack 


52  Urisb  ma  anD  Ibumor 

on  the  ground,  senseless.  Well,  the  orderly  ran  out 
at  this,  and  took  him  up  and  examined  his  wound  ; 
but  it  wasn't  a  wound  at  all,  only  the  wadding  of  the 
gun  ;  for  my  father— God  be  kind  to  him— ye  see 
could  do  nothing  right,  and  so  he  bit  oflf  the  wrong 
end  of  the  cartridge  when  he  put  it  in  the  gun,  and 
by  reason  there  was  no  bullet  in  it.  Well,  from  that 
day  after  they  never  got  sight  of  him,  for  the  instant 
the  general  dropped,  he  sprung  over  the  bridge  wall 
and  got  away  ;  and  what  between  living  in  a  lime- 
kiln for  two  months— eating  nothing  but  blackberries 
and  sloes — and  other  disguises,  he  never  returned  to 
the  army,  but  ever  after  took  a  civil  situation,  and 
driv  a  hearse  for  many  years." 

The  Irish  Long  and  Short  of  it 
An  Irishman  wished  to  have  a  note  discounted 
about  Christmas.  The  bank  officers  objected  to  the 
/on^  time  it  had  run.  The  Irishman  said  :  "  But  then 
you  don't  consider  how  short  the  days  are  at  this  time 
of  the  year." 

A  Courageous  Horse 
An    Irishman  was    asked    if  his    horse  was   timid. 
"  Not  at  all,"  said  he  ;     "  he  frequently  spends  the 
night  by  himself  in  a  dark  stable." 

An  Irish  Trade-mark 

Two  Irishmen  were  walking  along  one  of  the  main 
thoroughfares  in  Glasgow  when  they  noticed  a  large 
placard  in  the  window  of  a  shop  with  the  words 
"  Butter  !  Butter  ! !  Butter  !  !  !  "  in  giant  type,  printed 
.>n  it. 

"Pat,"  said  Mike,  "what  is  the  meaning  of  them 
I'ig  strokes  after  the  words?  " 

"  Och  !  ye  ignoramus,"  says  Pat,  "sure  they  are 
meant  for  shillalahs,  to  show  its  Irish  butter  !  " 

L(e)aving  Him  in  the   River 
At  a  dinner-party  Major   O'Shaughnessy  called   to 
remembrance  the  peculiarities  of  some  of  his  friends  : 
"Poor   M'Manus,"    said    he,    "rest    his   soul,  he'd 


Irisb  mix  anD  Ibumor  53 

have  puzzled  the  bench  of  bishops  for  hard  words ; 
upon  my  conscience,  I  believe  he  spent  his  morning 
looking  for  them  in  the  Old  Testament ;  sure  ye 
might  have  heard  what  happened  to  him  at  Banagher, 
when  he  commanded  the  Kilkennys— ye  never  heard 
the  story  ?— well  then,  ye  shall  ;  push  the  sherry  along 
first,  though  — old  Monsoon,  there,  always  keeps  it 
lingering  beside  his  left  arm  ! 

"Well,  when  Peter  was  lieutenant-colonel  of  the 
Kilkennys— who,  I  may  remark,  e?i  passant  as  the 
French  say,  were  the  seediest-looking  devils  in  the 
whole  service— he  never  let  them  alone  from  morning 
till  night,  drilling,  and  pipe-claying,  and  polishing 
them  up  !  '  Nothing  will  make  soldiers  of  you,'  said 
Peter;  'but  by  the  rock  of  Cashel,  I'll  keep  you  as 
clean  as  a  new  musket !  '  Now,  poor  Peter,  himself, 
was  not  a  very  warlike  figure  ;  he  measured  five  feet 
one  in  his  tallest  boots  ;  but  certainly,  if  nature  denied 
him  length  of  stature,  she  compensated  for  it  in 
another  way,  by  giving  him  a  taste  for  the  longest 
words  in  the  language  !  An  extra  syllable  or  so  in  a 
word  was  also  a  strong  recommendation  ;  and,  when- 
ever he  could  not  find  one  to  his  mind,  he'd  take  some 
outlandish  one,  that  more  than  once  led  to  very  awk- 
ward results.  Well,  the  regiment  was  one  day  drawn 
up  for  parade  in  the  town  of  Banagher,  and,  as 
M'Manus  came  down  the  lines,  he  stopped  opposite 
one  of  the  men,  whose  face,  hands  and  accoutrements 
exhibited  a  most  woeful  contempt  of  his  orders.  The 
fellow  looked  more  like  a  turf-stack  than  a  light-com- 
pany man  !  'Stand  out,  sir!'  cried  M'Manus,  in  a 
boiling  passion.  'Sergeant  O'Toole,  inspect  this 
individual.'  Now  the  sergeant  was  rather  a  favorite 
with  Mac  ;  for  he  always  pretended  to  understand  his 
phraseology,  and,  inconsequence,  was  pronounced  by 
the  colonel  a  very  superior  man  for  his  station  in  life. 
•Sergeant,'  said  he,  'we  shall  make  an  exemplary 
illustration  of  our  system  here  ! 

"  '  Yes,  sir  !  '  said  the  sergeant,  sorely  puzzled  at 
the  meaning  of  what  he  spoke. 

"  '  Bear  him  to  the  Shannon,  and  lave  him  there  ! ' 
this  he  said  in  a  kind  of  Coriolanus  tone,  with  a  toss 


54  Irieb  IKIlit  anD  fbumor 

up  of  the  head,  and  a  wave  of  his  right  arm — signs, 
whenever  he  made  them,  incontestably  showing  that 
further  parley  was  out  of  the  question,  and  that 
he  had  summed  up  and  charged  the  jury  for  good 
and  all. 

"  '  Lave  him  in  the  river?'  said  O'Toole,  his  eyes 
starting  from  the  sockets,  and  his  whole  face  working 
in  strong  anxiety ;  '  it  is  lave  him  in  the  river,  yer 
honor  means  ?  ' 

"  '  I  have  spoken,'  said  the  little  man,  bending  an 
ominous  frown  upon  the  sergeant  ;  which  whatever 
construction  he  might  have  put  upon  his  words,  there 
was  no  mistaking. 

"  '  Well,  well,  av  it's  God's  will  he's  drowned,  it  will 
not  be  on  my  head,'  says  O' Toole,  as  he  marched  the 
fellow  away  between  two  rank  and  file. 

"  The  parade  was  nearly  over  when  Mac  happened 
to  see  the  sergeant  coming  up,  all  splashed  with 
water,  and  looking  quiet  tired. 

"  '  Have  you  obeyed  my  orders?  '  said  he. 

"  '  Yes,  your  honor  ;  and  tough  work  we  had  of  it, 
for  he  struggled  hard. ' 

"  '  And  where  is  he  now  ?  ' 

'"Oh,  troth  he's  there  safe!  divil  a  fear  he'll 
get  out ! ' 

"  '  Where  ? '  said  Mac. 

"  '  In  the  river,  yer  honor.' 

"  '  What  have  you  done,  you  scoundrel  ?  ' 

"  '  Didn't  I  do  as  you  bid  me  ?  '  says  he  ;  '  didn't  I 
throw  him  into  the  Shannon,  as  ye  towld  me,  and  lave 
(leave)  him  there  ?  ' 

"  And  faith  so  they  did;  and  if  he  wasn't  a  good 
swimmer,  and  got  over  to  Moyston,  there's  no  doubt 
he'd  have  been  drowned,  and  all  because  Peter 
M'Manus  could  not  express  himself  like  a  Christ- 
ian."     [i] 

Harder  Than  He  Thought 

Ochone  !— In  the  course  of  the  evictions  on  the 
Irish  Ponsonby  estate  the  other  day,  some  National- 
ists present  questioned  one  of  the  evicted  tenants,  an 
elderly  man  named  Patrick  Fitzgerald,  but  the  only 


Irleb  TRUit  anD  Ibumor  55 

material  fact  elicited  from  him  was  that  his  rent  had 
never  been  raised.  He  made  up  for  his  disappoint- 
ment, however,  by  proclaiming  loudly  that  it  was  a  hard 
thing  to  see  a  man  turned  out  of  a  house  which  his 
"  father  had  built  and  his  grandfather  was  born  in." 

Measuring  Another's  Corn  by  His  Own  Bushel 

Near  Sighted  Old  Gentleman  :  "  Can  you  tell  me 
what  inscription  is  on  that  board  over  there?" 

Irish  Rustic  :  "  Sure  oi'm  in  the  same  boat,  sorr  ! 
It  was  moighty  little  schoolin'  oi  had  whin  oi  wus  a 
bhoy,  mesilf,  sorr  !  " 

*«Arrah  Then,  We're  Just  Neither  of  Us!" 

Sir  Harry  Boyle  was  said  to  be  the  only  man  who 
could  render  by  a  bull  what  it  was  impossible  to  con- 
vey more  correctly.  A  capital  illustration  of  this 
peculiarity  is  given  in  his  duel  with  Harry  Toler. 

It  was  a  bull  from  beginning  to  end.  Boyle  took  it 
into  his  head  that  Harry  was  a  person  with  whom  he 
had  a  serious  row  in  Cork.  Harry  on  the  other  hand, 
mistook  Boyle  for  Old  Caples,  whom  he  had  been  pur- 
suing with  horse-whipping  intentions  for  some  months  ; 
they  met  in  Kildare  Street  Club,  and  very  little  col- 
loquy satisfied  them  they  were  right  in  their  conjec- 
tures ;  each  party  being  so  eagerly  ready  to  meet  the 
views  of  the  other.  It  never  was  a  difficult  matter  to 
find  a  friend  in  Dublin  ;  and  to  do  them  justice,  Irish 
seconds,  generally  speaking,  are  perfectly  free  from 
any  imputations  upon  the  score  of  good-breeding. 
No  men  have  less  impertinent  curiosity  as  to  the 
cause  of  the  quarrel ;  wisely  supposing  that  the  prin- 
cipals know  their  own  affairs  best,  they  cautiously 
abstain  from  indulging  any  prying  spirit,  but  proceed 
to  discharge  their  functions  as  best  they  may.  Accord- 
ingly, Sir  Harry  and  Dick  were  set,  as  the  phrase  is, 
at  twelve  paces,  and  to  use  Boyle's  own  words,  for  I 
have  heard  him  relate  the  story  : 

"  We  blazed  away,  sir,  for  three  rounds.  I  put  two 
in  his  hat,  and  one  in  his  neckcloth ;  his  shots  went 
all  through  the  skirt  of  my  coat. 

•"We'll    spend    the    day    here,'    says   Considine 


56  Hrls^  limit  anD  Ibumor 

(Boyle's  second),  '  at  this  rate  ;  couldn't  we  put  them 
closer  ? ' 

"  '  And  give  us  a  little  more  time  in  the  word,'  says  I. 
"  '  Exactly,'  said  Dick. 

"  Well,  they  moved  us  forward  two  paces,  and  set 
to  loading  the  pistols  again. 

"  By   this  time  we  were  so  near  that  we  had  full 
opportunity  to  scan  each  other's  faces  ;    well,   sir,  I 
stared  at  him,  and  he  at  me. 
What  ?  '  said  I. 
Eh  ?  '  said  he. 
How's  this?  '  said  I. 
You're  not  Billy  Caples?  '  said  he. 
Devil  a   bit,'  said   I,  '  nor  I  don't  think  you're 
Archy    Devine '  ;    and,   faith,   sir,   so  it  appeared  we 
were  fighting  away  all  the  morning  for  nothing  ;    for 
somehow  it  turned  out  it  was  neither  of  us  /  ^* 

Paddy  Secures  a  Prisoner  and  at  once  Asks  for 
Promotion 

After  Charles  O'Malley  had  been  promoted  to  the 
lieutenancy  of  his  regiment,  he  heard  an  officer  say 
to  his  ( O'Malley 's)  colonel  : 

"  Ere  I  forget  it,  pray  let  me  beg  of  you  to  look  into 
this  honest  fellow's  claim  ;  he  has  given  me  no  peace 
the  entire  morning.'' 

As  he  spoke  O'Malley  turned  his  eyes  in  the  direc- 
tion indicated,  and,  to  his  utter  consternation,  beheld 
his  own  man,  Mickey  Free,  standing  among  the  staff ; 
the  position  he  occupied,  and  the  presence  he  stood 
in,  having  no  more  perceptible  effect  upon  his  nerves 
than  if  he  were  assisting  at  an  Irish  wake.  On  seeing 
his  master,  Mickey  exclaimed,  in  a  somewhat  implor- 
ing tone  : 

"  Arrah,  spake  for  me,  Master  Charles,  alanah,  sure 
they  might  do  something  for  me  now,  av  it  was  only 
to  make  me  a  ganger." 

Mickey's  ideas  of  promotion  thus  insinuatingly  put 
forward  threw  the  whole  party  around  into  one  burst 
of  laughter. 

"  I  have  him  down  there,"  said  he,  pointing  as  he 
spoke  to  a  thick  grove  of  cork  trees  at  a  little  distance. 


Urisb  mix  anD  Ibumor  57 

"  Who  have  you  got  there,  Mike  ?  '  inquired  an 
officer. 

"  Devil  a  one  o'  me  knows  his  name,"  replied  he  ; 
"  maybe  it's  Bony  himself." 

"  And  how  do  you  know  he  is  there  still?" 

"  How  do  I  know,  is  it  ?  Didn't  I  tie  him  last 
night?" 

Curiosity  to  find  out  what  Mickey  could  possibly 
allude  to,  induced  his  master  and  a  brother  officer  to  fol- 
low him  down  the  slope  to  the  clump  of  trees  mentioned. 
As  they  came  near,  the  very  distinct  denunciations 
that  issued  from  the  thicket  proved  pretty  plainly  the 
nature  of  the  affair.  It  was  nothing  less  than  a 
French  officer  of  cavalry  that  Mike  had  unhorsed  in 
the  melee,  and  wishing  probably  to  preserve  some 
testimony  of  his  prowess,  had  made  prisoner  and  tied 
fast  to  a  cork  tree  the  preceding  evening. 

"  Sacredleu /''  said  the  poor  Frenchman  as  we 
approached,  "  que  ce  sont  des  saiivages  !  " 

"  Av  it's  making  your  sowl  ye  are,"  said  Mike, 
"  you're  right ;  for  maybe  they  won't  let  me  keep  you 
alive." 

Mike's  idea  of  a  tame  prisoner  threw  his  master  into 
a  fit  of  laughing,  while  his  companion  asked  : 

"  And  what  do  you  want  to  do  with  him,  Mickey?" 

"  The  sorra  one  o'  me  knows,  for  he  spakes  no 
dacent  tongue.  The-gium  thoo,"  said  he,  addressing 
the  prisoner  with  a  poke  in  the  ribs  at  the  same 
moment ;  "  but  sure,  Master  Charles,  he  might  tache 
me  French." 

There  was  something  so  irresistibly  ludicrous  in  his 
tone  and  look  as  he  said  these  words,  that  both  the 
officers  absolutely  roared  with  laughter.  They  began, 
however,  to  feel  not  a  little  ashamed  of  their  position 
in  the  business,  and  explained  to  the  Frenchman  that 
their  worthy  countryman  had  but  little  experience  of 
the  usages  of  war,  and  proceeded  to  unbind  him  and 
liberate  him  from  his  miserable  bondage. 

"  It's  letting  him  loose  you  are,  captain  !  Master 
Charles,  take  care ;  begorra,  av  you  had  as  much 
trouble  in  catching  him  as  I  had,  you'd  think  twice 
about  letting;  him  out.      Listen  to  me  now,"— here  he 


58  Irisb  mit  anD  Ibumoc 

placed  his  closed  fist  within  an  inch  of  the  poor  pris- 
oner's nose — "  listen  to  me  ;  av  you  say  peas,  by  the 
morteal,  I'll  not  lave  a  whole  bone  in  your  skin." 

With  some  difficulty  the  officers  persuaded  Mike 
that  his  conduct,  so  far  from  leading  to  his  promotion, 
might,  if  known  in  another  quarter,  procure  him  an 
acquaintance  with  the  provost-marshal,  a  fact  which 
it  was  plain  to  perceive,  gave  him  but  a  very  poor 
impression  of  military  gratitude. 

"  Oh,  then,  if  they  were  in  swarms  foment  me, 
devil  receave  the  prisoner  I'll  take  again." 

An   Irish  Resolution 

The  following  is  a  resolution  of  an  Irish  corpora- 
tion :  "  That  a  new  jail  should  be  built ;  that  this  be 
done  out  of  the  materials  of  the  old  one,  and  the  old 
jail  to  be  used  until  the  new  one  be  completed." 

Definition  of  an  Irish   Island 
A  school-teacher  asked  an  Irish  boy  to  describe  an 
island.     "Sure,  ma'am,"  said   Pat,  "it's  a  place  ye 
can't  lave  widout  a  boat." 

Why  Pat  Sold  the  Saucepan 
A  poor  Irishman  offered  an  old  saucepan  for  sale. 
His  children  gathered  around  him  and  inquired  why 
he  parted  with  it.  "  Ah,  my  honeys,"  answered  he, 
"  I  would  not  be  after  parting  with  it,  but  for  a  little 
money  to  buy  something  to  put  in  it." 

How  to  Repeal  the  Union 

Pat  says  that  "  nothing  can  be  aisier  that  to  repale 
the  Union  of  the  United  Kingdom  of  Great  Britain 
and  Ireland.  "  It  is  only  necessary,"  says  he,  "to  trans- 
pose two  letters,  and  they  would  become  untied 
kingdom  at  once." 

Paddy's  Kindness   To  Animals 
An  Irishman  with  a  heavy  bundle  on  his  shoulder 
was  riding  on  a  street  car  platform.     He  refused  to 
put   it  down,  saying:  "The  horses  have  enough  to 
do  to  drag  me  ;  I'll  carry  the  bundle." 


tdsb  TIClit  ati5  fbumor  59 

The  Irish  Name  for  an  Unclean  Spirit 
Tlioui^h  they  do  not  go  in  much  for  school  boards 
ill  Ireland,  they  can  nevertheless  rejoice  in  some 
fairly  smart  scholars.  Asked  by  his  teacher  the  other 
day  what  he  understood  by  an  "unclean  spirit,"  a 
young  Paddy  promptly  replied  :  "  Plase  you're  honor, 
a  dhurty  divil !  " 

Paddy's  Plan  for  Dividing  the  Guineas 
Three  Irishmen  had  four  guineas  to  be  equally  divi- 
ded among  them.     After  several  unsuccessful  efforts  by 
twoof  them,  the  third  settled  the  business  thus:  "There 
are  two  for  you  two,  and  here  are  two  for  me,  too." 

Two  Narrow  Irish  Escapes 
An   Irishman,   seeing  a  vessel   very  heavily  laden 
atid   scarcely    above    the    water's    edge,    exclaimed  : 
"  Upon  my  sowl,  if  the  river  was   but  a  little  higher, 
the  ship  would  go  to  the  bottom." 


"  See  there  !  "  exclaimed  the  returned  Irish  soldier 
to  the  gai)ing  crowd,  as  he  exhibited  with  some  pride 
his  tall  hat  witli  a  bullet  hole  in  it.  "  Look  at  that 
hole,  will  you  ?  Ye  see,  if  it  had  been  a  low-crowned 
hat,  I  should  have  been  killed  outright." 

Working  His  Passage 
Some  years  ago,  when  the  boats  were  running  on 
the  canal  between  Glasgow  and  Paisley,  an  Irishman 
asked  the  boatman  at  the  latter  place  if  he  would  let 
him  work  his  passage  to  Glasgow.  The  boatman  (a 
bit  of  a  wag)  says  :  "  All  right  ;  take  and  lead  the 
horse."  Pat  started,  and  led  the  horse  the  whole 
way.  When  they  arrived  at  Glasgow,  Pat  said  to  the 
boatman,  **  Do  you  call  that  working  my  passage? 
Bedad,  and  I  might  as  well  have  walked  it." 

Sixpence  Too  Much 
An  Irishman,  who  had  jumped  into  the  water  to 
save  a  man  from  drowning,  on  receiving  a  sixpence 
from  the  rescued  man,  looked  first  at  the  sixpence 
and  then  at  the  man,  saying  :  •'  Be  jabbers,  I  am 
overpaid  for  that  job." 


60  Uri^i)  IKHit  aiiD  Ibumor 

Paddy's  Idea  of  a  Doctor 

Charles  O'AIalley,  on  entering  the  army,  was  tliink- 
ing  of  discharging  his  servant.  Asked  what  he  would 
like  to  do,  he  said  he  would  rather  'list.  When  asked 
if  he  would  like  to  be  in  his  master's  regiment  he 
answered  : 

"  By  course,  your  honor.  I'd  like  to  be  near  your- 
self;  bekase,  too,  if  anything  happens  to  you— the 
Lord  be  betune  us  and  harm  (here  he  crosses  himself 
piously)— sure  I'd  be  able  to  tell  the  master  (O'Mal- 
ley's  uncle)  how  you  died  ;  and  sure,  there's  Mister 
Considine  (his  uncle's  companion)— God  pardon  him 
—he'll  be  beating  my  brains  out  av  I  couldn't  explain 
it  all." 

"Well,  Mike,  I'll  speak  to  some  of  my  friends  here 
about  you,  and  we'll  settle  it  all  properly;  here's  the 
doctor." 

"Arrah,  Master  Charles,  don't  mind  him,  he's  a 
poor  crayture  entirely  ;  divil  a  thing  he  knows." 

"  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  man  ?  he's  physician  to 
the  forces." 

"  Oh,  by  gorra,  and  so  he  may  be,"  said  Mike, 
with  a  toss  of  the  head  ;  "  those  army  docthers  isn't 
worth  their  salt.  It's  truth  I'm  telling  you;  sure, 
didn't  he  come  to  see  me  when  I  was  sick  below  in 
the  hould? 

"  '  How  do  you  feel  ? '  says  he. 

'*  'Terribly  dhry  in  the  mouth,'  says  I. 

"  '  But  your  bones,'  says  he,  '  how's  them  ? 

"'As  if  cripples  was  kicking  me,'  says  I. 

•'  Well,  with  that  he  went  away,  and  brought  back 
two  powders. 

"  '  Take  them,'  says  he,  '  and  you'll  be  cured  in  no 
time.' 

"  '  What's  them  ?  '  says  I. 

"  '  They're  ematics,'  says  he. 

"  '  Blood-an'-ages,'  says  I,  '  are  they  ?  ' 

"  'Divil  a  lie,'  says  he;  'take  them  immediately.' 

"And  I  tuk  them — and  would  you  believe  me.  Mas- 
ter Charles  ? — it's  thruth  I'm  telling  you — divil  a  one 
o'  them  would  stay  on  my  stomach.  So  you  see  what 
a  docther  he  is."      [i] 


Urisb  XCllt  atiD  Ibwmot  6i 

One  Image  as  Good  as  Another  in  Paddy's  Eyes 

On  the  morning  of  their  sailing,  Rory,  before 
embarking,  went  to  one  of  the  churches  to  offer  up 
his  prayers  for  a  safe  voyage. 

The  church  was  prepared  for  one  of  those  fetes 
common  at  the  time  when  the  conscripts  were  pre- 
sented with  their  arms  by  their  sweethearts,  in  pres- 
ence of  the  assembled  people,  who  chanted  the  Mar- 
seillaise  all  the  time  at  the  foot  of  the  Statue  of 
Liberty  ;  but  Rory,  never  having  seen  any  such  piece 
of  business,  did  not  know  what  the  garlands  and 
banners  meant  when  he  entered  the  aisle  early  in  the 
morning,  long  before  the  celebration  of  the  fete  was 
to  take  place  and  when  he  was  the  only  person 
present. 

He  looked  about  in  wonder  some  time,  and  seeing 
the  Statue  of  Lii)erty  very  magnificently  decorated,  he 
thougiit  it  could  represent  no  other  than  the  Virgin 
Mary  ;  and  so  Rory  popped  down  on  his  knees  before 
the  Goddess  of  Liberty  and  began  to  pray  devoutly  to 
the  holy  mother. 

While  in  the  act  of  devotion,  a  couple  of  soldiers 
strolled  into  the  church  to  see  if  all  was  in  proper  cue 
for  the  approaching  military  fete,  and  seeing  Rory  on 
his  knees  before  the  Goddess  of  Liberty,  they  thought 
him  some  fond  enthusiast  of  the  revolution,  and 
exclaimed  with  delight  : 

"  Ah  !  que  c" est  drole  /  Ma/oi,  c' est  tm  brave  gar- 
qon  qui  anne  taut  liberie  qu'  il  se  met  a  genoux  ti  la 
dcesse  ! ' ' 

They  approached  Rory  as  they  spoke;  but  their 
admiration  was  somewhat  dashed  when  they  saw  him 
bless  himself  very  devoutly,  making  sundry  crucial 
flourishes  with  his  hand  upon  his  breast  and  forehead 
as  he  bobbed  and  ducked  before  the  statue. 

They  then  advanced  in  front  of  Rory,  and,  looking 
upon  him  with  great  contempt,  exclaimed,  ''Sacre  sot,'" 
and  turned  from  him  with  disgust. 

Rory,  having  finished  his  prayers,  returned  to  De 
Lacy,  who  immediately  proceeded  on  board  the  ves- 
sel.    On  asking  Rorv  if  he  dreaded  encountering  the 


62  liti5b  Mit  ano  Ibumor 

sea  aj;ain,  Kory  answered,  "  Not  in  the  laste,  bii,  for  I 
seen  the  Virgin  Mary  this  niornin',  " 

"Saw  who?"  said  De  Lacy,  in  wonder. 

"  The  X'ir^in  Mary,  sir." 

De  Lacy  could  not  help  laughing  at  the  serious  way 
in  which  the  absurdity  was  uttered  by  Rory,  who,  not 
relishing  his  mirth,  said  : 

"  Sure,  sir,  is  it  laughing  at  me  you'd  be  for  sayin' 
my  i)rayers?  " 

"  Certainly  not ;  but  you  tell  me  you  saw  the  Virgin 
Mary." 

"  And  so  I  did,  and  said  my  prayers  foreninst  her  in 
the  big  church  ;  and  why  wouldn't  I,  and  we  goin'  on 
the  wide  say  ?  " 

De  Lacy  now  laughed  more  heartily  than  before, 
while  he  told  Rory  that  it  was  the  Goddess  of  Liberty 
he  had  been  praying  to  instead  of  the  Virgin. 

"  You  don't  tell  me  so,"  said  Rory,  with  horror  in 
his  looks. 

"  Indeed  it  is  true." 

"  Oh,  God  forgive  me  !  if  it's  a  sin  ;  but,  sure,  I 
thought  it  was  the  Queen  of  Heaven  herself,  and  I  ax 
her  pardon  for  mistakin'  their  haythinish  goddess  for 
her  ;  but,  sure,  I  hope  it's  no  harm,  since  it  was  done 
undhcr  a  mistake." 

"  Don't  be  uneasy,  Rory,"  said  De  Lacy,  who  saw 
he  had  distressed  him  by  his  laughter  ;  "  I  hope  the 
prayer  that  is  offered  to  heaven  in  the  purity  of  heart 
will  find  its  way  there  before  whatever  altar  it  is 
breathed." 

With  such  tolerant  sentiment  did  De  Lacy  go  on 
board,  committing  himself  to  the  care  of  that  Provi- 
dence in  whose  unlimited  mercies  and  protection  he 
reposed  his  faith.     [4] 

A  ••  Plan  of  Campaign  "  Never  Yet  Tried  in 
Ireland,  Mr.   Balfour! 

An  Englishman  who  had  been  made  prisoner  by 
the  Irish,  desired  some  outdoor  e.xcrcise,  and,  during 
a  conversation  in  which  his  gaoler  was  telling  him 
about  the  Druid's  altar,  he  asked  : 

"  But  could  I  not  see  this  Druid's  altar?" 


%x\eb  Ulit  auD  Ibumor  63 

"  Bedacl,  you  conkl,  sir,  if  yo\i  wnr  there  ;  it's  so 
big  every  blind  man  in  ihe  country  can  sec  it — almost. 
But.  honor  bright,  sir,  you  wouldn't  ^ei  a  poor  boy 
like  me  into  trouble,  and  until  I'm  tould,  I  dare  not 
send  vour  honor  out  that  far.  But  so  little  did  my 
grandfather's  father  thinV  about  them  Druid  althars 
that  once  having  wandered  half  the  day  till  almost 
nightfall,  about  the  hillside,  after  an  unruly  young 
heller,  one  of  the  rale  Kerry  breed  that's  first  cousin 
to  the  goats  and  that  would  win  a  stee|)lechase  if 
anyone  would  ride  her.  After  spending  his  day  that 
way,  when  he  got  under  the  shelter  of  a  stone  and 
the  sun  setting,  h^  lay  his  grey  head  on  his  hand 
and  fell  to  rest  in  two  minutes,  just  as  innocent 
and  sleepful  as  a  new-born  baby.  Well,  he  never 
could  tell  how  long  he  slept,  but  at  last  he  woke  and 
wondered  to  see  the  beautiful  color  of  the  setting  sun 
all  gone,  faded  like  a  rose  in  hot  July,  and  nothing 
above  him  but  the  moon  and  dawshy  stars  sporting  and 
sparkling  through  the  heavens,  and  he  wondered  where 
the  heifer  could  be,  when  he  turned  his  eyes  a  little  to 
the  left,  and  there  she  stood,  as  meek  as  a  lamb,  not  astir 
in  her,  and  her  wicked  eyes  fi.xed  on  a  bunch  of  green 
blackberries,  and  her  tail  that  used  to  be  as  stiff  as  a 
blast  of  the  north  wind,  lianging  down  like  a  bunch  of 
silk,  and  her  ears  quiet,  and  a  sugaun  of  fruit  and 
fresh-made  hay  round  her  neck,  and  one  end  of  it  in 
the  hand  of  the  most  beautiful  little  creature  the  sight 
of  his  eyes  ever  looked  upon,  and  she  twisting  and 
spinning  on  top  of  the  heifer's  little  stumpy  horn. 

"'Oh!  murder,  my  lady,'  said  my  grandfather's 
father,  in  Irisli,  '  is  it  there  you  are,  and  is  it  my 
beautiful  little  loueen  ye'r  going  to  whisk  off  to  your 
own  country  ? ' 

"  '  Oh,  tie  !  '  she  says  ;  and,  saving  yer  presence,  sir, 
she  says,  *  is  it  a  Saxon  you  take  me  for,  to  be  taking 
the  good  out  of  the  country  !  I'm  no  such  thing.  I 
found  yer  little  beast  on  the  wild  hill  side,  and  I 
brought  her  to  you  ;  and  there  she  is,  as  tame  and  as 
gentle  as  a  new-born  lamb.  She'll  never  give  you  any 
more  trouble  as  long  as  she  lives.  I've  got  all  the 
wildn<ss  iuit  of  her,   that    I    have.'     Well,   my  great 


64  1lri5b  "wait  anD  Ibumoc 

grandfather  thanked  her,  as  in  duty  bound,  and  the 
little  heifer  walked  over  to  him,  and  the  good  lady 
dropped  the  sugaun  in  his  hand,  and  set  herself  very 
quietly  down  in  the  centre  of  the  Kerry  cow's  fore- 
head, looking  at  my  grandfather's  father. 

"  '  Haven't  I  tamed  her  ! '  she  says.  • 

"'You  have,  indeed,  my  lady,'  he  answered,  'and 
if  you  would  not  think  I'd  be  making  too  bould,  I'd 
be  glad  to  know  how  you  managed  it  at  all,  for  I'd 
like  to  try  the  same  method  on  my  wife,  who's  any- 
thing but  tame.  She's  mother  to  fourteen,  grand- 
mother to  twenty-eight,  and  great  grandmother  to  five 
children.  She'll  be  seventy-two  years  of  age  come 
next  Martinmas,  and  she's  just  as  bothersome,  and 
talkative,  and  tazing  to  me  now,  as  she  was  the  day  I 
married  her,  when  she  was  not  all  out  seventeen,  and 
was  called  the  Wild  Rose  of  Muskerry.' 

"  '  Is  she  a  great  bother  to  you  ?  '  said  the  lady,  and 
her  voice  sounded  as  a  lone  mountain  rill  in  liot  thirsty 
weather. 

"  '  She  is  indeed,'  he  answered. 

"  '  But  she  has  lived  with  you  and  loved  you,  and 
worked  for  you,  and  brought  you  fine  sons  and  virtu- 
ous daughters?  ' 

"  '  She  has  so  ;  but  she  fights  sometimes  to  have  a 
little  of  her  own  way  ;  she  does  a  deal  that's  pleasing 
to  me  in  some  things,  but  every  now  and  then  she 
wants  to  be  what  she  calls  "  considered." 

"  '  And  you  don't  like  that  ?  ' 

"  '  I  do  not,  my  lady  ;  I  like  my  own  way,  and  not 
be  tazed.' 

"  '  And  what  have  you  done  to  keep  her  quiet  ?  ' 

"  '•Why,  then,  I  may  as  well  tell  you,  for  I  daresay 
you  know  ;  whenever  she  jiuts  me  out  with  her 
grumbling,  I  give  her  a  good  bating.' 

"  'And  if  she  puts  you  out  again!  '  said  the  little  fairy. 

"  'Why,  I  give  her  another.' 

"  '  And  if  she  still  bothers  you  ! ' 

"  '  What  do  I  do,  is  it,  my  lady?  '  asked  my  great- 
grandfather, '  why  I  give  her  another.' 

"  '  And  su  on,  I  suppose,'  said  the  jewel  ;  and  at 
first    she    laughed,    but    by    degrees    her    face    grew 


jlrleb  liolit  anD  Ibumor  65 

serious,  and  she  looked  at  my  great-grandfather  very, 
very  steadfast ;  *  and  suppose,'  she  said,  '  y*>u  war 
to  try  the  other  way,  try  kindness — and  justice — 
above  all,  kindness  ;  it  did  well  with  a  cow,'  she  went 
on,  stroking  the  haste's  ears,  who  moved  like  a  wood- 
quest  in  answer;  '  it  did  well  with  a  cow,  and  I  don't 
see  why  it  should  not  do  with  a  woman ;  you  hunted 
her,  I  coaked  her.'  " 

"You're  a  capital  maker  of  fairy  tales,"  said  the 
prisoner,  laughing,  "  and  I  must  be  more  stupid  even 
than  an  Englishman  not  to  read  it."     [3] 

The  Humerous  Side  of  Irish  Hotel  Life 

Settling  accounts  and  separating  from  an  English 
and  an  Irish  inn  are  two  very  different  things.  At  the 
former  all  matters  are  well  ordered  and  in  time;  the 
jjacking-cases  and  carjiet  bags  are  moved  with  so 
little  noise  that  they  appear  to  have  moved  them- 
selves ;  nobody  helps  anybody,  for  they  all  seem  to 
know  their  own  work — and  do  il,  not  from  any  interest 
they  take  in  the  voyager,  but  simply  because  it  is  their 
business.  At  the  latter,  nothing  is  ever  ])recisely 
arranged,  and  certainly  never  in  time.  The  sundries 
are  stirred  by  an  immense  degree  of  noise  and  Ijustle  ; 
for  here  everybody  will  help  everybody,  and  nobody 
has  a  rightly-defined  idea  as  to  his  own  particular  line 
of  duty.  Then  the  waiters  are,  each  and  all,  so 
anxious  that  the  traveler  should  be  comfortable  and 
"  sit  asy,"  and  on  the  right  side  to  see  "  the  beautiful 
counthry,  God  bless  it  !  "  and  hope  that  the  weather 
will  "  hould  up,"  and  that  "  the  teems  o'rain  won't 
be  bothering  iiis  honor"  ;  with  a  direct  question  as  to 
"  When  his  honor  will  be  traveling  the  road  again?  " 
and  "  Maybe  he'll  be  back  soon,"— all  this  proceeds 
from  a  natural  and  perfectly  unaffected  desire  for  the 
good  of  a  stranger.  They  do  not,  to  be  sure,  cherish 
the  feeling  for  any  great  length  of  time,  but  it  is  strong 
enough  while  it  lasts  ;  and  it  is  something  to  know 
that  you  excite  even  a  momentary  interest  in  the  liv- 
ing beating  hearts  of  those  you  meet  in  your  every-day 
journeyings  through  a  rugged  world. 

John  Bull  cheats  in  sober  earnest ;  Paddy  does  it  for 

5 


66  1lrl6b  TlCiit  anD  Ibiimor 

fun.  It  comes,  as  far  as  the  strans;er's  pocket  is  con- 
cerned, to  pretty  much  tlie  same  thin^?  in  tlie  end. 

Paddy  coaxes  out  tlie  smallest  of  silver  coins,  with 
his  most  winning  smiles,  his  most  brilliant  wit.  or 
most  insinuating  humor;  John  aims  at  half-crowns 
and  half-sovereigns,  not  with  smiles,  !nit  frowns— not 
with  wit,  but  grumblings— and  if  honestly  and  per- 
fectfy  satisfied,  never  says  so  with  a  cheerful  coun- 
tenance ;  while  Paddy,  if  not  sufficiently  remunerated, 
still  blesses  "  yer  Iionor,"  hints  that  he  "  knows  it's 
yer  honor's  intention  to  remember  that  he  has  a  wife 
and  a  house  full  of  little  children  at  liome  praying  this 
very  minute  that  yer  heart  may  soften,  and  that  the 
prayers  of  the  jjoor  may  make  you  an  asy  bed  in 
lieaven  "  ;  and  if  an  evident  difference  of  opinion 
exists  between  you — he  thinking  he  has  not  been 
sufficiently  recompensed,  wliile  you  consider  lie  has 
been  paid  "twice  too  much" — Paddy  smiles  com- 
placently on  his  small  exchequer,  and  then,  as  the 
sigh  rises  from  his  heart,  adds  to  the  last  Ijlessing  he 
bestows,  the  earnest  prayer  "that  times  may  mend, 
and  not  be  hard  on  the  poor  ever  and  always." 

The  number  of  servants  at  Irish  is  usually  double 
the*  number  of  those  at  English  inns;  but  then  half 
the  amount  satisfies  the  one  that  would  satisfy  the 
other,  and  you  get  all  the  blessings  for  nothing,  with 
an  influx  of  ideas  in  tropes  and  figures — combined 
with  such  racy  humor  as  can  be  found  in  no  other 
country  under  the  sun.  By  a  single  figure  of  speech 
they  elucidate  a  fact  or  produce  a  fiction  ;  and  by  a 
word  or  two  judiciously  spoken,  place  a  subject  in  so 
ridiculous  a  light,  that  you  laugh  frequenth'  against 
your  own  will ;  always  against  your  judgment.  If 
the  stranger's  sojourn  at  the  inn  has  been  but  a  few 
days,  it  is  most  likely  that  his  departure  will  be  wailed 
as  a  misfortune  ;  he  hears  murmurs  on  all  sides  of 
"Ah,  then,  it's  not  often  we've  the  blessing  of  such 
fine  company,  good  luck  to  your  honor,  and  God  send 
ye  safe  back."  "  Success  to  ye,  wherever  ye  go,  and 
may  yer  heart  grow  lighter  and  yer  purse  heavier  the 
longer  ye  live."  "  God  bless  you,  sir,  and  mark  you 
to  grace,  and  bring  you  here  safe  and  soon."     Even 


Irisb  mit  anD  Ibumor  67 

the  scuneen,\.\\e  little  boy  "about  the  place"  who 
does  everybody's  business,  and  is  scolded  for  every- 
body's neglect — even  he,  the  barefooted  urchin,  whose 
curly  head  was  never  covered  by  a  hat,  and  whose 
feet  are  swift  and  sure  by  day  or  night  to  do  the  bid- 
diirg  of  all  who  choose  to  command — even  he  lingers 
without,  in  the  hope  of  receiving  a  stray  sixpence, 
and  gives  his  prayer  whether  he  receives  anything  for 
it,  or  not  !      [3] 

An  Irish  Pickle — and  Not  the  Last! 
There  was  a  Sir  Judkin  Fitzgerald,  who,  being  the 
sheriff  of  Tipperary,  had,  it  was  said,  during  the 
rebellion  of  1798,  practiced  great  cruelties.  Among 
other  things  he  was  reported  to  have  dipped  the  cat- 
o'-nine-tails  in  brine  before  a  flogging.  By  way  of 
excuse  to  Keller,  he  boasted  that  by  his  firnmess  he 
had  "preserved"  the  country.  "No,"  said  Jerry, 
"  but  you  have  pickled  it." 

An  Open  Question 
Irate  County  Squire  {to  new  groom): '^\^ooV  here,  con- 
found you!  I  won't  have  this!  Do  you  think  I'm  a  fool?" 
New  Groom:  "  Shure,  sorr,  Oi  can't  say,  sorr.     I 
only  came  here  yestherday  I  " 

'■You'd  Better  Ask  Me!" 
"  Oh,  'tis  time  I  should  talk  to  your  mother, 

Sweet  Mary,"  says  I ; 
"  Oh,  don't  talk  to  my  mother,"  says  Mary, 

Beginning  to  cry  ; 
"  For  my  mother  says  '  men  are  deceivers,' 

And  never,  I  know,  will  consent  • 
She  says,  '  in  a  hurry  who  marry 

At  leisure  repent.' 
"  Then,  suppose  I  would  talk  to  your  father, 

Sweet  Mary,"  says  I  ; 
"Oh,  don't  talk  to  my  father,"  says  Mary, 

Beginning  to  cry  ; 
"  For  my  father,  he  loves  me  so  dearly, 

He'll  never  consent  I  should  go- 
lf you  talk  to  my  father,"  says  Mary, 

"He'll  surely  say  'No!  '" 


88  Hrlsb  Mit  anD  l)umor 

"  Then  how  shall  I  get  you,  my  jewel, 

Sweet  Mary,"  says  I  ; 
"  If  your  father  and  mother's  so  cruel, 

Most  surely  I'll  die  !  " 
"  Oh,  never  say  die,  dear,"  says  Mary, 

"  A  method  to  save  you  I  see  ; 
Since  my  parents  are  both  so  contrary — 

You'd  better  ask  me  !  "      [5] 

Paddy  on  the  Lookout 

An  Irish  sailor  was  sent  forward  to  keep  a  good 
lookout  ahead  ;  but  feeling  sleepy  the  cunning  fellow 
lay  down  with  his  face  to  the  hawse-hole. 

On  the  mate  detecting  him,  and  challenging  him  for 
not  standing  up  and  looking  out,  says  Paddy : 
'*  Shure,  an'  that  would  be  looking  over,  an'  wasn't  it 
"jooking  out  I  was?  " 

An  Irish  Coach  Accident 

The  day  wore  on  comfortably  enough,  and  the 
evening  began  to  close,  when  a  premature  stop  was 
put  to  their  journey  by  the  breaking  down  of  the 
coach. 

Fortunately  for  the  passengers,  the  accident  was 
not  one  that  placed  them  in  any  kind  of  danger. 
Some  of  them  were  neai-ly  thrown  off,  and  a  lady 
passenger  who  was  inside  screamed,  of  course  ;  and 
the  more  she  was  assured  that  there  was  no  danger, 
the  louder  she  screamed.  In  the  meantime  the  pas- 
sengers jumped  off ;  and  the  extreme  amount  of  dan- 
ger to  them  was,  that  they  could  proceed  no  further 
on  their  journey  by  the  coach,  as  one  of  the  wheels 
was  broken. 

Now,  whenever  an  accident  of  this  kind  occurs, 
which  is  manifestly  so  bad  as  to  be  beyond  retrieving, 
it  may  be  remarked  that  everyone  looks  at  it  in  all 
possible  ways — under  it,  and  over  it,  and  round  it, 
just  as  if  looking  at  it  would  do  any  good.  So  were 
the  passengers  congregating  around  the  wheel  of  the 
coach,  all  making  their  remarks  : 

"  It  was  the  nave,"  said  one. 

"  No — the  spokes,"  said  another. 


Idsb  Wiit  anO  t>umor  69 

"Oh  dear,  no— the  tire,"  said  a  third. 

*'  Most  provoking  !  " 

"  Scandalous  !  "  said  Scrubbs  (a  landlord's  agent)  ; 
"  like  everything  else  in  this  country  !  The  proprietors 
ought  to  be  prosecuted  for  having  a  coach  in  such  a 
condition." 

"  Murther,  murther  !  "  said  the  coachman,  who  lost 
his  temper  at  last  when  the  honor  of  his  coach  was 
concerned  ;  "do  you  hear  this  !  just  as  if  an  accident 
never  happened  to  a  coach  before." 

"When  people  pay  their  money,"  said  Scrubbs, 
"they  have  aright  to  complain." 

"  Sairtinly,"  said  the  Scotchman.  "  In  fac'  I 
think  the  money  should  be  refunded." 

"  Arrah  !  listen  to  him  !  "  said  Rory  aside  to  the 
stranger. 

"  How  far  is  the  coach  from  the  end  of  its  jour- 
ney?" said  the  lady. 

"  If  you'd  be  quiet  the  laste  taste,  ma'am,  if  you 
plaze,"  said  the  coachman;  "we'll  conthrive  some 
conthrivance  by  and  by." 

"  Why,  the  night  is  falling,"  said  the  lady. 

"  It's  time  for  it,"  said  Rory. 

"  My  God  !  "  said  the  lady,  "  what  odd  answers 
these  people  give  one  !  " 

The  horses  now  became  restless,  for  the  wheelers, 
pulling,  and  finding  so  much  resistance,  began  to 
kick,  and  their  example  set  the  leaders  going.  The 
coachman  and  Rory  ran  to  their  heads. 

"  Bad  luck  to  ye,  ye  fools  !  "  said  Rory  to  the 
horses  ;  "  sure  it's  glad,  and  not  sorry  ye  ought  to  be, 
that  the  dhrags  is  ofT  o'  ye  !  "  and  he  forced  them  at 
last  into  some  obedience.  "  I'll  tell  you  what  you'll 
do  now,"  said  he  to  the  coachman  ;  "  jist  take  off  the 
horses — they'll  be  quiet  enough  here,  grazing  by  the 
side  of  the  gripe  ;  and  you  get  on  one  o'  them,  and 
pelt  away  into  the  town,  and  come  out  wid  a  fresh 
coach." 

"Troth,  and  it's  the  best  plan,  I  b'lieve,"  said  the 
coachman,  "afther  all." 

"  And  must  we  stay  here  ?  "  said  the  lady. 

"  Barrin'  you  walk,  ma'am." 


70  IrlBb  •QClit  anD  Ibumor 

"  And  how  far  might  it  be  to  walk  ?  " 

"  Faith,  I  don't  righth'  know,"  said  the  coachman. 

"  You're  a  feyne  dreyver,"  said  the  Scotchman, 
"  not  to  know  the  distance  on  your  ain  road  !  " 

"  I  know  it  well  enough  whin  I'm  dhrivin,"  said 
the  coachman  ;  "  but  how  should  I  know  how  far  it  is 
to  walk?" 

"Why  you  stupid  rascal!"  said  the  Scotchman, 
about  to  make  an  elaborate  argument  to  show  the 
coachman  the  bull  he  had  made — but  he  was  inter- 
rupted by  Rory. 

"  Arrah  !  never  mind  his  prate,  Hoolaghan  ;  do 
what  I  bid  you — away  wid  3'ou  into  town  !  " 

"  Indeed,  I  think  it  is  the  best  thing  you  can  do," 
said  the  young  traveler. 

"And  must  we  stay  here?  Why,  'tis  growing  dark 
already,  and  we  may  be  murdered  while  you  are 
away." 

"  Devil  a  one  '11  take  the  throuble  to  murther  you 
— don't  be  in  the  laste  afeard,"  said  Rory.  "  Up  wid 
3^ou  now  on  the  grey,  Hoolaghan,  your  sowl,  and 
powdher  away  like  shot  !  " 

"  What's  that  he's  saying  about  powder  and  shot  ?  " 
said  the  lady  in  alarm. 

"  He's  only  giving  directions  to  the  coachman, 
madam,"  said  the  young  traveler. 

"  But  he  said  powder  and  shot,  sir ;  is  there  any 
danger?  " 

"  None  in  the  least,  I  assure  you,  madam." 

"  The  horses  will  stay  quiet  enough  while  you  are 
gone,"  said  Rory  ;  "  here,  gi'  me  yourfut — I'll  lift  you 
on  the  baste."  And  so  saying,  Hoolaghan  placed  his  left 
foot  in  Rory's  right  hand  ;  and  thus  aided,  he  sprang 
astride  of  one  of  the  coach  horses,  to  proceed. 

"There  now,"  said  Rory,  "you're  up!  and  away 
wid  you  !  Jist  be  into  town  in  no  time  and  back  in 
less.  '  That's  the  cut  !  '  said  Cutty,  when  he  cut  his 
mother's  throat." 

"  What's  that  he's  saying,  sir,  about  cutting  throats !" 
said  the  lady. 

"  Nothing,  madam,  I  assure  you,  you  need  be 
alarmed  at,"  said  the  traveler. 


Urisb  TlClit  anD  Ibumot  71 

"Indeed,  you  need  not  make  yourself  onaisy, 
ma'am,  in  the  laste,"  said  Rory,  after  he  had  placed 
Hoolaghan  on  horseback.  "  It  will  be  all  over  with 
you  soon  now." 

The  lady  shuddered  at  the  phrase,  but  spoke  not. 

"And  now,  sir,"  said  Rory  to  his  fellow-traveler, 
"  it's  time  we  should  be  thinkin'  of  ourselves  ;  there's 
no  use  you  should  be  loitherin'  here  until  the  other 
coach  comes  back  ;  for  though  it's  some  miles  from 
the  town,  where,  I  suppose,  you  were  goin'  to,  it's  not 
far  from  this  where  I  must  turn  off  to  my  own  place, 
which  lies  across  the  counthry,  about  two  miles  or 
there  away  ;  and  if  you,  sir,  wouldn't  think  it  beneath 
you  to  come  to  a  poor  man's  house,  sure  its  proud  I'd 
be  to  give  your  honor  a  bed  ;  and  though  it  may  not 
be  so  good  as  you're  used  to,  still  maybe  'twill  be 
betther  than  stopping  here  by  the  roadside." 

The  traveler  expressed  his  thanks  to  Rory  for  the 
kindness  of  his  offer,  but  said  that  perhaps  he  could 
as  well  walk  to  the  town.  To  this  Rory  objected, 
suggesting  the  probability  of  the  traveler  losing  his 
way,  as  he  could  only  be  his  guide  as  far  as  the  point 
where  he  had  to  turn  towards  his  own  home ;  besides 
many  other  arguments  urged  on  Rory's  part  with  so 
much  heart  and  cordiality,  that  he  prevailed  on  his 
fellow-traveler  to  accept  his  proffered  hospitality. 
Selecting  a  small  portmanteau  from  the  luggage  the 
traveler  was  about  to  throw  it  over  his  shoulder,  when 
Rory  laid  hold  of  it,  and  insisted  on  carrying  it 
for  him. 

"You've  your  own  luggage  to  carry!"  said  the 
traveler. 

"  Sure,  mine  is  nothin'  more  than  a  small  bundle — 
no  weight  in  life." 

"And  your  gridirons,  Rory?" 

"  By  the  powers  !  I  was  near  forgettin'  ////;;/,"  said 
Rory  ;  "  but  sure,  thim  itself  is  no  weight  and  I  can 
carry  thim  all." 

"  Stay  a  moment."  said  the  traveler,  whose  gal- 
lantry forbade  that  he  should  leave  the  lady  of  the 
party,  alarmed  as  she  was,  in  such  a  situation,  and 
apparently  not  very  well  protected,  without  the  offer 


72  Irisb  TIDlit  anD  1)umor 

of  his  services.  He  approached  the  coach,  into  which 
the  lady  had  retired  to  avoid  the  dew  that  was  now 
falling  heavily,  and  made  his  of?er  with  courtesy." 

"I'm  much  obliged  to  you,  sir,"  said  she,  but  I 
have  my  husband  here." 

"  Thank  you,  sir,"  said  a  miserable-looking  little 
man,  who  had  not  uttered  a  word  before ;  "I  am  this 
lady's  husband."  He  did  not  dare  say,  "  This  lady's 
my  wife." 

The  traveler  made  his  bow,  and  he  and  his  guide, 
leaving  the  forlorn  coach  passengers  on  the  road, 
proceeded  at  a  sharp  pace  towards  the  cottage  of 
Rory  O'More.     [4] 

Paddy's  Method  of  Getting  Rid  of  Popery 

It  so  happened  that  the  tombstone  of  old  Sweeny, 
the  apothecary,  bearing  the  Popish  phrase,  "  Pray  for 
the  soul  of  Denis  Sweeny,"  stood  most  provokingly 
close  to  the  pathway  leading  to  the  church  door  ;  so 
that  every  Sunday,  when  his  son,  the  attorney,  w^as 
going  to  attend  divine  service  as  by  law  established, 
his  Church-of-Englandism  was  much  scandalized  by 
having  this  damning  (and  damnable)  proof  of  his 
apostasy  staring  him  in  the  face.  Not  that  he  cared 
for  it  himself;  he  was  one  of  those  callous-hearted 
people  who  could  "  have  botanized  on  his  mother's 
grave,"  therefore,  this  proof  of  his  former  creed  on  the 
grave  of  his  father  could  have  given  him  no  trouble ; 
but  he  did  not  like  the  evidence  to  'remain  there 
in  the  sight  of  other  people,  and  he  had  asked  Rory 
O'More  how  the  nuisance  could  be  abated. 

So  Rory,  after  hearing  the  attorney's  complaint, 
said  he  thought  he  could  rectify  the  objectionable 
passage  on  the  tombstone. 

After  breakfast  he  asked  De  Lacy  would  he  go  over 
to  see  "  the  churches,"  as  the  old  burial-place  in  the 
neighborhood  was  called,  where  the  ruins  of  some 
monastic  buildings  stood,  one  of  which  had  been 
repaired  and  roofed  in  for  the  parish  church.  De  Lacy 
assented  to  the  proposal,  and  Rory  suggested  that 
they  should  endeavor  to  get  Phelim  O'Flanaghan  to 
accompany  them. 


Irisb  Timit  anD  Ibumor  73 

"  His  school  lies  in  our  way,"  said  Rory,  "and  we 
may  as  well  ax  him  to  come;  for  there  is  a  power  of 
owld  anshint  tombstones  in  it,  in  ovvld  Irish,  and  he 
can  explain  them  to  you,  sir." 

De  Lacy  accompanied  Rory  to  the  burial-place,  who 

came  to  a  stand  where,  on  one  side  of  the  path,  stood 

a  rather  conspicuous  tombstone  with  this  inscription  : 

"  Pray  for  the  sowl  of 

Denis  Sweeny, 

who  departed,"  etc. 

"  Do  you  see  that  ?  "  said  Rory  to  De  Lacy. 

"Yes." 

"  Well,  that's  what  brings  me  here  to-day." 

"  How?"   said  De  Lacy. 

"  Why,  that's  owld  Denny  Sweeny's  tombstone ; 
and  you  see  the  poor  owld  fellow  axes  everyone  to 
pray  for  his  sowl — and  why  not  ? — and,  indeed,  I  hope 
he's  in  glory.  Well,  you  see  by  that  he  was  a  good 
Catholic,  and  a  dacent  man  he  was ;  and  when  he 
died  he  ordhered  the  same  tombstone  to  be  put  over 
him,  and  paid  my  own  father  for  cuttin'  the  same." 

"  Is  it  after  he  died?"  said  De  Lacy. 

"  Oh,  no — you  know  what  I  mane  ;  but  sure  a  slip 
o'  the  tongue  doesn't  matther.  Well,  as  I  was  sayin', 
my  father  cut  the  same  tombstone — and  a  nate  bit  o' 
work  it  is  ;  see  the  illigant  crass  an  it,  and  cut  so 
deep  that  the  divil  wouldn't  get  it  out  of  it — God 
forgi'  me  for  sayin'  '  divil '  to  the  crass." 

"  It's  deep  enough,  indeed,''  said  De  Lacy. 

"Ay,  and  so  I  towld  that  dirty  brat.  Sweeny— llie 
'turney  I  mane — when  he  axed  me  about  it.  What  do 
you  think  he  wants  me  to  do?  "   said  Rory. 

"  To  take  it  back  for  half-price,  perhaps,"  said 
De  Lacy. 

"  Faith,  he  hasn't  that  much  fun  in  him  to  think  of 
such  a  thing." 

"  What  was  it  then?  " 

"Why,  he  wants  me  to  alther  it,"  said  Rory. 

"  For  himself,  I  hope?"   said  De  Lacy. 

"No,"  said  Rory,  "though  in  throth  I'd  do  that 
with  pleasure,  for  he'd  be  no  loss  to  king  or  counthry. 


74  Uriab  TKIlit  atiD  t)umor 

But,  as  I  was  tellin'  you,  he  comes  to  me  the  other 
day  and  towld  me  it  was  disgraceful  to  see  sitch  a 
thing  as  'pray  for  the  soul '  on  his  father's  tombstone 
in  sitch  enlightened  times  as  these,  when  people  knew 
better  than  to  pray  for  people's  sowls." 

"  '  They  might  do  worse,'  says  J. 

"  '  It  might  do  for  the  dark  ages,'  says  he,  '  but  it 
won't  do  now,'  laying  it  all  on  the  dark  ages,  by  the 
way,  jist  as  if  people  didn't  know  that  it  was  bekase 
when  he  goes  to  church  every  Sunday  his  poor  honest 
father's  tombstone  stares  him  in  the  face,  the  same  as 
if  the  voice  out  of  the  grave  called  to  him  and  said, 
'  Oh,  thin,  Dinny,  my  boy,  is  it  goin'  to  church  you 
are  ?  '  Not  that  he'd  mind  that,  for  the  cowld-hearted 
thief  hasn't  the  feelin'  to  think  of  it ;  but  it's  the  dirty 
pride  of  the  little  animal  ;  he  doesn't  like  the  rale 
Prodestants  to  see  the  thing  stan'in'  in  evidence  agin 
him.  So  I  thought  I'd  divart  myself  a  bit  with  him, 
and,  says  I,  '  Sure  the  tombstone  doesn't  do  you  nor 
anyone  else  any  harm.'  '  Yes,  it  does,'  says  he,  '  it 
stands  in  evidence  agin  my  father's  common  sinse, 
and  I'm  ashamed  of  it.' 

"Oh!"  said  Rory  feelingly,  'what  luck  can  the 
man  have  that  says  he's  ashamed  of  his  father's 
grave?  " 

The  feeling  and  touching  appeal  reached  De  Lacy's 
heart. 

Rory  continued  :  "  Ashamed,  indeed  !  Throth.  an' 
well  he  may  say  he's  ashamed  !  not  for  his  father, 
though — no — but  well  may  he  be  ashamed  to  change 
his  creed  !  " 

"  You  shouldn't  blame  any  man  for  his  religious 
belief.  Rory,"  said  De  Lacy. 

"  No  more  I  would,  sir,  if  it  was  the  belief  that  he 
was  reared  in  ;    but " 

"  Oh  !  "  said  De  Lacy,  interrupting  liim,  "  if  a  man 
feels  that  he  has  been  instructed  in  a  belief  which  his 
conscience  will  not  permit  him  to  follow " 

"  Sure,  sir,"  said  Rory,  interrupting  in  his  turn, 
"I  would  blame  him  for  that  neitiier  ;  but  is  it 
Sweeny  you  think  does  it  for  that?  Not  he,  In  throth  ; 
it's  iust  for  the  lucre,  and  nothin'  else.     And,  sure,  if 


Urisb  "Uait  anD  tbumor  75 

he  had  the  feelin'  in  him  to  love  his  father,  sure,  it's 
not  altherin'  his  tombstone  he'd  be  tliat  was  made  by 
his  father's  own  directions  ;  and  suppose  he  thinks  that 
he  ought  to  be  a  Prodestant  ever  so  much,  sure,  isn't  it 
bad  of  him  to  intherfare  with  his  poor  father's  dyin' 
request  that  they  would  pray  for  his  sovvl  ?  " 
"  That  I  grant  you,"  said  Ue  Lacy. 
''  And  so  he  comes  to  me  to  ask  me  to  alther  it. 
'For  what?'  says  I.  '  Bekase  I'm  ashamed  of  it,' 
says  he.  '  Why  ?  '  says  I.  '  Bekase  it's  only  Popery,' 
says  he.  '  Well,'  says  I,  '  if  it's  Popery  ever  so  much, 
sure,  it's  your  father's  doin',  and  any  shame  there  is 
in  it  is  to  him,  and  not  to  you,  and  so  you  needn't 
care  about  it ;  and  if  your  father  did  wish  people  to 
pray  for  his  sowl,  I  think  it's  very  bad  of  you  to  wish 
to  prevent  it.'  '  It  can  do  him  no  good,'  says  he.  '  It 
can  do  him  no  harm,  anyhow,'  says  I. 

"  So  he  couldn't  get  over  that  very  well,  and  made 
no  answer  about  the  good  or  the  harm  of  it,  and  said 
he  didn't  want  to  argue  the  point  with  me,  but  that  he 
wanted  it  althered,  and  as  my  father  done  the  job  he 
thought  I  was  the  person  to  alther  it.  '  And  how  do 
you  want  it  changed?  '  says  I.  '  Take  out  "  pray  for 
the  sowl."'  says  he;  'that's  nothing  but  Popery.' 
'  My  father  always  cut  the  sowl  very  deep,'  says  I,  '  and 
to  take  it  out  is  impossible  ;  but  if  it's  only  the  Popery 
you  object  to,  I  can  alther  it,  if  you  like,  so  that  you 
can  have  nothin'  to  say  agin  it.'  '  How  ?  '  says  he. 
'  Oh,  let  me  alone,'  says  I.  '  You're  no  sndphcre;  says 
I,  '  and  don't  know  how  I'll  do  it  ;  but  you'll  see  your- 
self when  it's  done.'  '  You  won't  charge  me  much?  ' 
says  he.  '  I'll  charge  you  nothing,'  says  I  :  '  I'm  not 
a  mason  by  thrade,  and  I'll  do  the  job  for  love.'  '  But 
how  do  you  mane  to  do  it?'  says  he  agin.  'Oh, 
never  mind,'  says  I,  '  go  your  ways,  I'll  do  the  job  corn- 
plate,  and  next  Sunday,  when  you  go  to  church,  you'll 
see  the  divil  a  bit  o'  Popery  will  be  in  the  same  tomb- 
stone.' '  That's  all  I  want,'  says  he.  '  Thin  we'll  be 
both  plazed,'  says  I.  And  now  I'm  come  here  to-day 
to  do  the  very  thing." 

"And  how  do  you  mean  to  effect  the  alteration, 
Rory?"  said  De  Lacy. 


76  Unsb  TKIlit  anD  Ibumor 

"As  aisy  as  kiss  hand/  said  Rory.  "Jist  do  you 
amuse  yourself  with  looking  into  the  churches  ;  there's 
some  quare  carvings  round  the  windows  and  doors, 
and  a  mighty  curious  owld  stone  crass  up  there 
beyant.  Or,  if  you  like,  sir,  sit  down  beside  me 
here  with  your  book,  and  you  can  read  while  I  work." 

De  Lacy  had  not  been  long  engaged  in  reading, 
when  old  Phelim  made  his  appearance  ;  and  with  so 
amusing  a  cicerone,  De  Lacy  passed  a  couple  of  hours 
pleasantly  enough  in  looking  over  the  antiquities  of 
the  place. 

After  the  lapse  of  that  period  Rory  had  completed 
his  task,  and  sought  his  friends  to  show  them  how 
thoroughly  he  had  neutralized  the  Popery  that  had  so 
much  distressed  Sweeny. 

"How  could  you  have  done  it  so  soon?"  said 
De  Lacy. 

"Oh,  I  won't  tell  you — you  must  see  it  yourself," 
said  Rory.  "  It  is  the  simplest  thing  in  life— four 
letters  did  it  all." 

Rory  had  carved  over  the  objectionable  request  the 
phrase  '  don't,'  so  that  the  inscription  ran  thus  : 
"  don't 
Pray  for  the  sowl  of 
Denis  Sweeny." 

"  Isn't  that  the  thing  ?  "  said  Rory. 

"  Capital !  "  said  De  Lacy, 

"  Isn't  that  sarving  the  little  viper  right?  you  see 
he  daren't  say  at  wanst,  out  honest,  that  he  was 
ashamed /or  his  own  sake,  bekase  he  was  a  turncoat ; 
but  he  lays  the  blame  07i  the  Popery.  Oh,  in  throth, 
there's  many  a  dirty  turn  and  many  a  cruel  thing  done 
on  us  ;  and  thim  that  does  the  thing  is  ashamed  to 
own  to  the  right  cause,  and  so  they  lay  the  blame  on 
the  Popery.  By  my  sowl  !  they  ought  to  be  obliged  to 
Popery  for  giving  them  sitch  convanient  excuse  for 
not  havin'  things  called  by  their  right  names." 

"  But  won't  Sweeny  be  very  angry  about  this?" 
said  De  Lacy, 

"  Faith,  to  be  sure,  he  will,"  said  Phelim,  shaking 
his  head.     "  Rory  ma  bouchal,  though  I  can't  deny 


Urisb  Wit  anD  fbumor  77 

your  wit,  I  cannot  compliment  you  with  an  epithalium 
upon  your  prudence  ;  you  have  made  that  Jittle  bit- 
ther  attorney  your  inimy  to  the  ind  o' time." 

"I   know    that,"    said     Rory,     "but    what    do    I 

"  Rory  my  boy,  Prudence,  Prudentia,  as  the 
Latins  had  it,— Prudence,  my  boy,  is  one  of  the  cardi- 
nal virtues."  ^ 

"  Well,  to  expose  humbuggin'  is  as  cardinal  as  ever 

"So  you  won't  listen  to  me  1—Magister  docet,  sed 
vos  verb  neglitisy  ,,   t     ^     a 

"Well,  who's  sayin'  it's  prudent?  But  all  I  stand 
up  for  is  the  altheration  ;  and  isn't  that  complate  ?  " 

"  That  there's  no  denyin,"  said  Phelim. 

"  And  all  with  four  letthers." 

"You  have  demonstherated  it  as  complate  wid 
four,"   said   Phelim,   "  as  I  do  my   mattamatics  wid 

"  By  dad  !  I  have  a  great  mind  to  put  Q.  E.  D.  at 
the  end  of  it  all,"  said  Rory. 

"  Faith,  I'm  glad  to  see  you  remember  you  matta- 
matics still,"  said  Phelim. 

"  Wouldn't  it  be  grate  fun  !  "  said  Rory. 

"It's  bad   enough  as  it  is,"  said  De  Lacy,  ''with- 
out making  matters  worse.    I  am  afraid  Rory  this  was 
.  very  unwise." 

"  Yet  you  can't  help  laughin'  at  it,"  said  Rory 

"  Indeed  I  can't,"  said  De  Lacy. 

"  Well,  and  so  will  the  Prodestants  laugh  at  that 
contemptible  little  upstart  when  they  see  it,  and  that's 
all  I  want.  There's  nothing  an  upstart  feels  half  so 
much  as  a  laugh  against  him,"  said  Rory,  making  a 
sagacious  comment  upon  his  own  impudent  act. 

"Quite  true,"  said  De  Lacy,  "and  therefore  the 
attorney  will  never  forgive  you." 

"  The  beauty  of  it  is,"  said  Rory,  still  enjoying  his 
joke  "  that  he  can't  complain  openly  about  it ;  for  all 
he  said  was,  that  he  was  ashamed  about  the  Popery 
of  it.  Now,  I've  taken  the  Popery  out  of  it,  at  all 
events."  ,  ^-^^ 

"  Certainly,"  said  De  Lacy,  "  but  at  the  same  time, 


78  Urieb  Wit  anD  •fcumor 

you  have  inct eased  Sweeny's  cause  of  inquietude  by 
making  the  offensive  phrase  more  obnoxious." 

"  That's  what  I  meant  to  do,"  said  Rory,  boldly. 
"  I've  caught  him  in  his  own  thrap.  The  little  schem- 
ing 'turney  complained  only  about  the  Popery  ;  now, 
with  four  letthers  I've  destroyed  more  Popery  than  the 
parson  could  do  with  twice  as  many." 

"Upon  my  word,  Rory,"  said  De  Lacy,  smiling, 
"many  men  of  letters  have  failed  with  the  whole 
alphabet  to  alter  a  text  so  completely  as  you  have 
done  with  ybz/r."      [4] 

Why  Should  It  ? 
An  Irish  landlord  is  said  to  have  sent  the  following 
message  to   his   steward  :   "  Tell  the  tenants  that  no 
threat  to  s\\oo\.  you  will  terrify  nie^ 

A  Cautious  Prisoner 
An    Irishman    charged    with    assault    was    asked 
whether  he  was  guilty.    "  How  can  I  tell,  your  honor, 
till  I  have  heard  the  evidence?"  was  his  reply. 

An  Irish  Discovery 
"I  meant  to  have  told  you  of  that  hole,"  said  an 
Irishman  to  a  friend,  who  had  fallen  into  a  pit  in  the 
Irishman's  garden.      "No    matter,"    said    Pat,    I've 
found  ity 

Two  Persons  Delivered  from  Purgatory  by  One 
Small  Fee 
Mr.  Darby  M'Keown  once  had  a  most  ardent 
attachment  to  a  certain  Biddy  Finn,  and  at  last, 
through  the  intervention  of  Father  Curtain,  agreed  to 
marry.  Darby's  consent  to  the  arrangement  was  not 
altogether  the  result  of  his  reverence's  eloquence,  nor 
indeed  the  justice  of  the  case  ;  nor  was  it  quite  owing 
to  Biddy's  black  eyes  and  pretty  lips;  but  rather  to 
the  soul-persuading  powers  of  some  fourteen  tumblers 
of  strong  punch,  which  he  swallowed  at  a  seance  in 
Biddy's  father's  house,  one  cold  evening  in  November  ; 
after  which  he  betook  himself  to  the  road  homewards, 
where— but  we  must  give  his  story  in  his  own  words  : 


Urisb  wax  anO  Ibumor  79 

"Whether  it  was  the  prospect  of  happiness  before 
me,  or  thepotteen,"  quoth  Darby,  "but  so  it  was;  I 
never  felt  a  step  of  the  road  home  that  night,  though 
it  was  every  foot  of  five  miles.  When  I  came  to  a 
stile,  I  used  to  give  a  whoop,  and  over  it ;  then  I'd 
run  a  hundred  yards  or  two,  flourish  my  stick,  cry 
out,  '  Who'll  say  a  word  against  Biddy  Finn  ? '  and 
then  over  another  fence,  flying.  Well,  I  reached 
home  at  last,  and  wet  enough  I  was  ;  but  I  didn't 
care  for  that.  I  opened  the  door  and  struck  a  light ; 
there  was  the  least  taste  of  kindling  on  the  hearth, 
and  I  put  some  dry  sticks  into  it,  and  some  turf,  and 
knelt  down  and  began  blowing  it  up. 

"  '  Troth,"  says  I  to  myself,  '  if  I  wor  married,  it 
isn't  this  way  I'd  be,  on  my  knees  like  a  nagur ;  but 
when  I'd  come  home,  there  ud  be  a  fine  fire  ablazin' 
fornint  me,  and  a  clean  table  out  before  it,  and  a 
beautiful  cup  of  tay  waiting  for  me — and  somebody 
I  won't  mention,  sitting  there  looking  at  me,  smilin'.' 

" '  Don't  be  making  a  fool  of  yourself,  Darby 
M'Keown,'  said  a  gruff  voice  near  the  chimney. 

"  I  jumped  at  him  and  cried  out,  '  Who's  that  ? ' 
but  there  was  no  answer ;  and  at  last,  after  going 
round  the  kitchen,  I  began  to  think  that  it  was  only 
my  own  voice  I  heard,  so  I  knelt  down  again,  and  set 
to  blowing  away  at  the  fire. 

"'And  it's  yerself,  Biddy,'  says  I,  'that  would  be 
an  ornament  to  a  dacent  cabin  ;  and  a  purtier  leg  and 
foot ' 

"  '  Be  the  light  that  shines,  you're  making  me  sick. 
Darby  M'Keown,'  said  the  voice  again. 

"  '  The  heavens  be  about  us,'  says  I,  *  what's  that, 
and  who  are  you  at  all  ? '  for  someways  I  thought  I 
knew  the  voice. 

"  '  I'm  your  father,'  says  the  voice. 

"  '  My  father  ! '  says  I.  '  Holy  Joseph,  is  it  truth 
you're  telling  me  ?  ' 

"  '  The  devil  a  word  o'  lie  in  it,'  says  the  voice. 
'  Take  me  down  and  give  me  an  air  o'  the  fire,  for  the 
night's  cowld.' 

"'And  where  are  you,  father?'  says  I,  '  av  it's 
plasing  to  ye? ' 


80  Irisb  wax  anD  Dumor 

"  '  I'm  on  the  dhresser,'  says  he.  '  Don't  you  see 
me?' 

"  <  Sorra  bit  o'  me.     Where  now  ?  ' 

"  '  Arrah,  on  the  second  shelf,  next  the  rowling-pin. 
Don't  you  see  the  green  jug? — that's  me.' 

"  '  Oh,  the  saints  in  heaven  be  above  us  ! '  says  I ; 
*  and  you  a  green  jug  ?  ' 

"'I  am,'  says  he;  'and  sure  I  might  be  worse. 
Tim  Healey's  mother  is  only  a  cullender,  and  she 
died  two  years  before  me.' 

"  '  Oh,  father  darlin','  says  I,  '  I  hoped  you  wor  in 
glory,  and  you  only  a  jug  all  this  time  !  ' 

"' Never  fret  about  it,' says  my  father;  'it's  the 
transmogrification  of  sowls,  and  we'll  all  be  right, 
by  and  by.  Take  me  down,  I  say,  and  put  me  near 
the  fire.' 

"So  I  up  and  took  him  down,  and  wiped  him  wich 
a  clean  cloth,  and  put  him  on  the  hearth  before  the 
blaze. 

"  '  Darby,'  said  he,  '  I'm  famished  with  the  druth. 
Since  you  took  to  coortin'  there's  nothing  ever  goes 
into  my  mouth.  Haven't  you  a  taste  of  something  in 
the  house?' 

"  It  warn't  long  till  I  heated  some  wather,  and  took 
down  the  bottle  of  whiskey  and  some  sugar,  and  made 
a  rousing  jug  full,  as  strong  as  need  be. 

"  '  Are  you  satisfied,  father?  '  says  I. 

"  '  I  am,'  says  he ;  '  you're  a  dutiful  child  ;  and 
here's  your  health,  and  don't  be  thinking  of  Biddy 
Finn.' 

"  With  that  my  father  began  to  explain  how  there 
was  never  any  rest  nor  quietness  for  a  man  after  he 
married— more  by  token,  if  his  wife  was  fond  of  talk- 
ing; and  that  he  never  could  take  his  dhrop  of  drink 
in  comfort  afterwards. 

"  '  May  I  never,'  says  he,  '  but  I'd  rather  be  a  green 
jug,  as  I  am  now,  than  alive  again  wid  your  mother. 
Sure  it's  not  here  you'd  be  sitting  to-night,'  says  he, 
'  discoorsing  with  me  av  you  wor  married,  devil  a  bit. 
Fill  me,'  says  my  father,  '  and  I'll  tell  you  more.' 

"And  sure  enough  I  did,  and  we  talked  away  till 
near  daylight ;  and  then  the  first  thing  I  did  was  to 


ITrlsb  Timit  anD  Ibumor  8i 

take  the  ould  mare  out  of  the  stable,  and  set  off  to 
Father  Curtain,  and  towld  him  all  about  it,  and  how 
my  father  wouldn't  give  his  consent  by  no  means. 

"  '  We'll  not  mind  the  marriage,'  says  his  rivirence  ; 
'  but  go  back  and  bring  me  your  father — the  jug,  I 
mean  —  and  we'll  try  and  get  him  out  of  trouble  — 
for  it's  trouble  he's  in,  or  he  wouldn't  be  that  way. 
Give  me  the  two-pound-ten,'  says  the  priest,  'you 
had  it  for  the  wedding,  and  it  will  be  better  spent 
getting  your  father  out  of  purgatory,  than  sending 
you  into  it.'  " 

How  the  Priest   Lost  His  Bet 

Major  Mahon  arranged  a  duel  between  Jack  Hinton 
and  Ulick  Burke,  in  which  he  was  Hinton's  second. 
His  cousin.  Father  Loftus,  was  very  angry  when  he 
heard  of  the  affair,  and  although  they  endeavored  to 
pacify  the  good  priest,  it  was  not  until  he  had  swal- 
lowed his  second  tumbler  of  punch  that  he  would 
"  listen  to  rayson." 

"Well,  well,  if  it  is  so,  God's  will  be  done,"  said 
he  with  a  sigh.  "  Un  bon  coup  (V epee,  as  we  used  to 
say  formerly,  is  beautiful  treatment  for  bad  blood  ; 
but  maybe  your  going  to  fight  with  pistols— oh,  mur- 
ther,  them's  dreadful  things  !  " 

"  I  begin  to  suspect,"  said  the  major,  slily,  "that 
Father  Tom's  afraid  if  you  shoot  Ulick,  he'll  never 
get  that  fifty  pounds  he  won — hinc  illcz  lacrynicz—Qh, 
Tom?" 

"Ah,  the  spalpeen,"  said  the  priest  with  a  deep 
groan,  "  didn't  he  do  me  out  of  that  money  already  ?  " 

"  How  so,  father  !  "  said  Jack,  scarce  able  to  repress 
his  laughter  at  the  expression  of  the  priest's  face. 

"  I  was  coming  down  the  main  street  yesterday 
evening,  with  Dr.  Plunket,  the  bishop,  beside  me, 
discoursing  a  little  theology,  and  looking  as  pious 
and  respectable  as  may  be,  when  that  villain  Burke 
came  running  out  of  a  shop,  and  pulling  out  his 
pocket-book,  cried  : 

"  '  Wait  a  bit.  Father  Tom  ;  you  know  I  am  a  little 
in  your  debt  about  the  race,  and  as  you're  a  sporting 
character,  it's  only  fair  to  book  up  at  once.' 


82  Urish  limit  anD  fbumor 

"'VV'liat's  this  I  hear,  Father  Loftus  ?  '  said  the 
bishop. 

"  '  Oh  my  lord,'  saj^s  I,  •  he's  a  jocosus  puer — a 
humbuggin'  blaguard  ;  ?i  farceur,  you  reverence,  and 
that's  the  way  he  is  always  cutting  his  jokes  upon  the 
people.' 

"  *  And  does  he  not  owe  you  this  money  ?  '  said  the 
bishop,  looking  mighty  hard  at  us  both. 

"  '  Not  a  farthing  of  it,  my  lord.' 

"  '  That's  comfortable,  anyhow,'  says  Burke,  put- 
ting up  his  pocket-book  ;  '  and  faith,  my  lord,'  cried 
he  with  a  wink,  '  I  wished  I  had  the  loan  of  you  for  an 
hour  or  two  every  settling  day,  for  troth,  you  are  a 
trump,'  and  with  that  he  went  off  laughing  till  ye'd 
have  thought  he'd  split  his  sides,  and  I'm  sure 
I  wish  he  had."      [7] 

Irish  Voting  in  the  "  Good  Old  Days  " 
In  the  "good  old  days,"  at  a  county  contest  the 
voters  were  some  thousands  in  number,  and  the 
adverse  parties  took  the  field,  far  less  dependent  for 
success  upon  previous  pledge  or  promise  made  them, 
than  upon  the  actual  strategem  of  the  day.  Each 
went  forth  like  a  general  to  battle,  surrounded  by  a 
numerous  and  well-chosen  staff,  one  party  of  friends 
acting  as  commissariat,  attending  to  the  victualling 
of  the  voters,  that  they  obtained  a  due,  or  rather 
undue,  allowance  of  liquor,  and  came  properly  drunk 
to  the  poll ;  others  again  broke  into  skirmishing  parties, 
and  scattered  over  the  country,  cut  off  the  enemy's 
supplies,  breaking  down  their  post  chaises,  upsetting 
their  jaunting  cars,  stealing  their  poll-books,  and  kid- 
napping their  agents.  Then  there  were  service  peo- 
ple, bribing  the  enemy,  and  enticing  them  to  desert  ; 
and,  lastl}--,  there  was  a  species  of  sapper-and-miner 
force,  who  invented  false  documents,  denied  the 
identity  of  the  opposite  party's  people,  and  when 
hard  pushed,  provided  persons  who  took  bribes  from 
the  enemy,  and  gave  evidence  afterwards  on  a  peti- 
tion. Amid  all  these  encounters  of  wit  and  ingenuity, 
the  personal  friends  of  the  candidate  formed  a  species 
of  rifle  brigade,  picking  out  the  enemy's  officers,  and 


irrisb  limit  anD  Ibumor  83 

doing  sore  damage  to  their  tactics  by  shooting  a  pro- 
poser or  wounding  a  seconder — a  considerable  por- 
tion of  every  leading  agent's  fee  being  intended  as 
compensation  for  the  duels  he  might,  could,  would, 
should  or  ought  to  fight  during  the  election.  Such, 
in  brief,  was  a  contest  in  the  olden  time,  and  when  it 
is  taken  into  consideration  that  it  usually  lasted  a 
fortnight  or  three  weeks,  that  a  considerable  military 
force  was  always  engaged  (for  our  Irish  law  permits 
this)  and  w'hich,  when  nothing  pressing  was  doing, 
was  regularly  assailed  by  both  parties — that  far  more 
dependence  was  place  in  a  bludgeon  than  a  pistol — 
and  that  the  man  who  registered  a  vote  with  a 
cracked  pate  was  regarded  as  a  kind  of  natural  phe- 
nomenon— some  faint  idea  may  be  formed  how  much 
such  a  scene  nmst  have  contributed  to  the  peace  of 
the  county,  and  the  happiness  and  welfare  of  all 
concerned  in  it.      [i] 

The  Humors  of  the  Irish  Jehu 
An  Irish  car-driver  will  ascertain,  during  your  prog- 
ress, where  you  come  from,  where  you  are  going,  and, 
very  often,  what  you  are  about.  He  has  a  hundred 
ways  of  wiling  himself  into  your  confidence,  and  is 
sure  to  put  in  a  word  or  two  upon  every  available 
opportunity  ;  yet  in  such  a  manner  as  to  render  it 
impossible  for  you  to  subject  him  to  a  charge  of  imper- 
tinence. Indeed  it  is  a  striking  peculiarity  of  the 
lower  classes  of  the  Irish  that  they  can  be  familiar 
without  presuming ;  tender  advice  without  appearing 
intrusive  ;  and  even  command  your  movements  with- 
out seeming  to  interfere,  in  the  least,  with  your  own 
free-will.  This  quality  the  car-driver  enjoys  to  per- 
fection. We  engaged  one  at  Clogheen.  "Ah,  then 
is  it  to  Cahir  ye're  going  sir? — and  it's  from  Lismore 
ye're  coming,  I'll  go  bail."  "You've  made  a  good 
guess."  "  Maybe  it's  to  my  lord's  I'll  be  driving 
ye?"  "  Not  so  lucky  this  time."  "  To  Mr.  Grubb's 
did  ye  say,  sir?"  "  No."  "Well,  then,  it's  to  Mr. 
Fennell's  yer  honor'll  be  telling  me  to  drive  ye." 
"Yes."  "Is  it  to  Mr.  Joe  Fennell's,  or  Mr.  Jona? 
Fennell's,   or   Mr.  Fennell's   of   the  cottage?"     And 


84  irieS  limft  anD  Ibumor 

then  came  a  long  history  of  all  who  dwell  in  or  near 
one  of  the  prettiest  and  cleanest  towns  of  Ireland  ; — 
"Quakers,  your  honor,  all  owing  to  the  Quakers," 
quoth  our  driver,  as  he  gave  our  steed  the  whip  to 
"  go  in  style  "  up  the  long  avenue. 

A  few  characteristic  anecdotes  of  the  genus  may 
amuse  our  readers.  Some  one  tells  a  story  of  a 
fellow  who,  on  grumbling  at  the  shilling  gratuity  at 
his  journey's  end,  said  in  a  sly  undertone,  "  Faith, 
it's  not  putting  me  off  with  this  ye'd  be,' if  ye  knew 
but  all."  The  traveler's  curiosity  was  excited,  "  What 
do  you  mean?"  "Oh  faix  !  that  'ud  be  tellin'." 
Another  shilling  was  tendered.  "And  now,"  asked 
the  gentleman,  "  what  do  you  mean  by  saying  '  if  you 
knew  but  all'  ?  "  "  That  I  driiv  your  honor  the  last 
three  miles  without  a  linch-pin /^^  We  had  once  a 
touching  appeal  for  the  string  of  our  cloak  "to  tie  up 
a  small  bit  of  the  harness  that  was  broke  into  smith- 
ereens from  the  weight  of  the  hill."  "  Will  I  pay  the 
pike  or  drive  at  it,  plase  yer  honor?  "  was  the  excla- 
mation of  a  driver  to  his  passenger,  as  he  suddenly 
drew  up  within  a  few  yards  of  the  turnpike-gate.  One 
of  the  richest  characters  of  the  class,  we  encountered 
on  the  road  from  Ross  to  Wexford  ;  he  told  us  how  he 
got  his  first  situation,—"  The  master  had  two  beauti- 
ful English  horses,  and  he  wanted  a  careful  man  to 
drive  them  ;  he  was  a  mighty  pleasant  gintleman,  and 
loved  a  joke.  Well,  there  was  as  many  as  fifteen 
afther  the  place,  and  the  first  that  went  up  to  him, 
'  Now,  my  man,'  says  he,  <  tell  me,  saj's  he,  '  how  near 
to  the  edge  of  a  precipice  would  you  undertake  to 
drive  my  carriage?'  So  the  boy  considered,  and  he 
says,  says  he,  '  Within  a  foot,  plaze  your  honor,  and 
no  harm.'  '  Very  well,'  says  he,  'go  down,  and  I'll 
give  ye  yer  answer  by  and  by.'  So  the  next  came  up, 
and  said  he'd  be  bound  to  carry  'em  within  half  a 
foot ;  and  the  next  said  five  inches  ;  and  another — a 
dandyfied  chap  intirely — was  so  mighty  nice,  that  he 
would  drive  it  within  '  three  inches  and  a  half,  he'd 
go  bail,'  Well,  at  last  my  turn  came,  and  when  his 
honor  axed  me  how  nigh  I  would  drive  his  carriage  to 
a  precipice,  I  said,  says  I,  '  Plaze  yer  honor,  I'd  keep 


%xi6b  wax  anD  Dumor  85 

as  far  off  it  as  I  could. ^  '  Very  well,  Misther  Byrne,' 
says  he,  'you're  my  coachman,'  says  he.  Och,  the 
roar  there  was  in  the  kitchen  whin  I  wint  down  and 
told  the  joke  !  " 


When  Mr.  V ,  the  assistant  Poor  Law  Commis- 
sioner, first  visited  Cork,  the  coach  by  which  he 
arrived  set  him  down  next  door  to  the  Imperial  Hotel 
—his  place  of  destination.  Not  being  aware  of  this 
fact,  he  ordered  a  car,  and  gave  his  direction  to  the 
driver.  The  fellow  conducted  him  round  the  town, 
and  through  various  streets  and  lanes,  and  after  an 
hour's  driving  placed  him  at  the  hotel  entrance, 
demanding  and  receiving  a  sum  of  five  shillings, 
which  his  victim  considered  a  reasonable  charge.  A 
few  minutes  afterwards  he  discovered  the  trick  that 
had  been  played  upon  him. 


The  car-drivers  who  ply  in  the  street  look  as  if  they 
duly  regarded  their  own  ease,  and  that  business  was, 
with  them,  a  secondary  consideration.  You  some- 
times find  them  standing  on  the  pavement,  their  hand- 
kerchiefs floating  negligently  round  their  necks  and 
their  long  loose  coats  flapping  about  their  legs— or 
lounging  on  the  bar  or  box  of  their  car  or  jingle, 
touching  their  hats  with  a  leering  civility— or  elevating 
what  serves  for  a  whip  if  they  think  a  fare  is  approach- 
ing ;  to  see  them  thus  you  would  imagine  them  heed- 
less of  their  interests  ;  but  ask  a  question  of  one 
touching  time  or  distance,  and  the  whole  body  start 
into  life  and  activity.  Ah,  thin,  it  isn't  he  that  can  /<?// 
yer  honor  the  distance  ;  but  I'll  tell  ye  what  he  can 
do— double  it."  "  I'm  fust  on  the  stand,  and  see 
what  a  beautiful  baste  I  have."  ''Thin!  oh  bedad 
she's  not  thin— faix  it  was  myself  was  obligated  to 
put  her  on  a  regiment  to  get  her  into  racing  order  ; 
she  was  so  over  and  above  fat."  "  Ah,  sure,  it  isn't 
trust  yerself  on  an  outside  car  ye  are,  and  the  rain 
gathering  in  oceans  above  yer  head  ;  just  com^  a  piece 
of  the  way  in  this,  yer  honor.  Sure  it's  aisy  enough 
to  get  out  if  ye  don't  like  it."     "  Don't  be  beguiling 


86  Irisb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

the  strange  lady  and  gentleman  wid  yer  gosher, 
Micky ;  sure  ye  know  that  garron  won't  lave  the 
stand,  barrin'  ye  give  him  yer  oath  before  a  witness, 
it's  home  to  the  stable  he's  going."  "  Bedad  !  I'd 
scorn  to  ax  the  likes  of  ye  into  my  beautiful  jingle— 
barrin'  it  was  the  best  in  Cork,  which  it  is.  Sure  it's 
only  my  fare  I'll  ax — laving  any  other  little  thrifle  to 
yer  honor — on  account  of  the  wife  and  children." 

In  England  and  in  France  the  postillions  bully  you 
out  of  your  money — in  Ireland  they  coax  or  laugh  it 
out  of  your  pockets.  "  Well,  I'm  not  going  to  deny, 
but  I'd  like  another  little  shilling,  to  show  the  people 
that  yer  honor  was  satisfied,  and  had  a  regard  for  the 
counthry."  "  I've  waited  yer  honor's  leisure  this 
ever  so  long,  till  ye'd  have  time  to  make  me  the  little 
present  jv<?  t^cir  thinking  o/"." 


A  lady  and  gentleman  took  a  short  excursion  some- 
what early  one  morning,  and  the  horse  commenced 
kicking  in  such  an  extraordinary  way,  that  instead  of 
becoming  alarmed  they  laughed  heartily  at  the  oddity 
and  obstinacy  of  the  animal,  which,  aided  by  the 
apologies  and  explanations  of  the  driver,  were  incon- 
ceivably ludicrous  :  "  Look  now,  ma'am,  it's  the 
quietest  baste  in  Ireland,"  (kick,  kick),  "  but  it's  a 
small  taste  frolicsome  out  of  play,"  (kick,  kick,  kick). 
(Aside  to  the  horse)  :  "I'll  give  it  to  ye,  ye  baste, 
when  I  git  ye  home,  to  be  exposing  me  this  way." 
(Aloud.)  "  It's  the  blood  ye  see,  sir,  the  rale  quality 
blood  that's  in  it— sure  his  mother  won  the  plate  at 
the  Curragh  o'  Kildare,  and  it's  only  too  quiet  this 
craythure  is,"— (kick.)  (Aside.)  "  Ah,  ye  venomous 
sarpint,  ye'r  at  it  agin  !  "—(Aloud)  "  except  when  it 
goes  out  too  early  of  a  mornin' — it  understands  the 
fashions,  and  I  never  get  much  good  of  him  before  tin 
or  half-past  tin,  any  way."  On  the  return  the  man 
was  amply  repaid  ;  he  turned  over  and  over  the 
money  in  his  hand,  glancing  up  and  around  with  an 
expression  of  cunning  not  easily  forgotten.  "  Are 
you  not  satisfied?  "  was  the  natural  inquiry.  "Oh 
yes,  quite  satisfied,  and  I'm  sure  yer  honor  war  satis- 


tvieb  Mit  anD  Ibumor  87 

fied,  too— only  the  lady  laughed  so  hard  at  the  baste's 
tricks,  that  I  thought  your  honor  would  give  me 
another  little  sixpence." 


The  Irish  car-drivers  congregate  outside  the  rail- 
road at  Kingston  landing  place  offering  to  take  you 
and  your  luggage  for  "  next  to  nothing,  or  nothing  at 
all,  if  it  be  plazing  to  you  "  ;  endeavoring  to  divert 
attention  from  the  fiz/ing  train,  by  every  possible  and 
impossible  means  ; — waving  their  whips  in  the  air — 
clinging  to  the  outer  walls  like  so  many  cats — chatter- 
ing, swearing,  shouting,  lying  without  the  smallest 
visitings  of  conscience. 

"  Faith,  sir,  it  isn't  because  the  coach  road  is  shorter 
and  plesanter,  and  gone  in  half  the  time  of  the  train 
yer  honor,  that  I  spake — only  because  of  the  lady  and 
yerself,  sir.  Oli,  then  it'll  be  a  woeful  thing  afther 
escaping  the  dangers  of  the  saj',  to  see  that  sweet  lady 
blown  up  sky  high,  or  crushed  into  smithereens  under 
the  baste  of  a  dirty  ingine.  Sure  it's  the  lady's  life 
and  the  honor  of  owld  Ireland  I'm  thinking  of,  sir. 
I'd  be  sorry  to  see  her  mangled  the  way  you  know, 
Tim,  the  poor  woman  an'  her  dear  innocent  babby 
was  kilt  intirely  yesterday  morning  !  "  "  Paytronize 
the  counthry,  sir.  Paythriotism  for  ever  and  no  rail- 
roads !  to  the  dickens  with  them."  "  And  those  who 
go  by  them,"  added  another.  "  Hould  yer  tongue, 
ye  sinner  !  "  exclaimed  another  ;  "  it's  down  upon  yer 
hardhearted  knees  you  ought  to  go  and  pray  for  the 
poor  deluded  strangers  in  a  furrin  land,  as  this  is  to 
them,  that  don't  know  better  than  to  thrust  their 
innocent  limbs  into  ould  Nick's  punch-bowl.  Ye' 11 
never  see  Dublin,  my  darlints — and  more's  the  pity — 
for  it's  a  beautiful  city.  Ye' 11  be  split  like  a  drop  of 
skim  milk,  and  smashed  like  a  mealy  potato  ! — before 
ye  reach  the  station — the  only  station  in  the  country  I 
never  cared  to  spend  much  time  at."  "  Here's 
a  beautiful  car — a  handsome  car — an  illigant  car ! 
room  for  four  and  two  in  the  well,  and  nothin'  to 
pay — Jack  Dawson  only  wants  them — for  the  pleasure 
of  their  company."     And  the  last  human  sound  heard 


88  Hclsb  TIClit  anD  Ibumor 

as  the  train  is  in  the  act  of  starting  is  a  yell  of  execra- 
tion at  the  engine 


"  Here's  a  bother,"  exclaimed  the  driver  of  your 
city  jingle,  perceiving  a  string  of  cars  in  the  midst  of 
the  road  ;  he  shouts  to  them  to  get  out  of  the  way  ;  two 
or  three  on  the  line,  catching  hold  of  their  horses' 
heads,  turn  abruptly  to  the  left ;  one  or  two  others 
twist  off  to  the  right— while  the  advance  guard, 
apparently,  neither  see  nor  hear  the  admonition  of  the 
perplexed  charioteer.  "  To  the  dickens  with  you  !  " 
he  exclaims  ;  "  we  thought  you  wanted  us  out  of  yer 
way,"  is  the  ready  reply.  "  Will  ye  go  on?  "  "  Be- 
dad,  we've  never  stopt  all  day."  "  Will  you  draw  to 
the  left?"  "Why  didn't  ye  tell  us  that  before!" 
"  Which  is  the  left  ?  "  asks  a  ragged  wag,  keeping  his 
horse  and  car  positively  across  tlie  road,  and  making 
the  inquiry  in  a  humble  voice,  while  his  eyes  dance 
with  mischief—  '•  Will  ye  plazed  to  tell  us  the  differ, 
sir?     How  do  poor  ignorant  boys  like  us  know  ?  "    [2] 

A  Determined  Politician 
An  excited  Irishman,  who  was  declaiming  about 
justice  to  Ireland  was  asked  by  a  friend  :  "  What  is  it 
really  that  you  and  your  countrymen  want?"  He 
replied  :  "  We  do  not  know  what  we  want,  sir  ;  but, 
by  the  powers,  we  are  determined  to  have  it !  " 

A  Free  and  Independent  Irish  Elector 

At  the  Kerry  election  in  1872  some  of  the  scenes  in 
the  booths  were  truly  "  racy  of  the  scil."  In  many 
cases  the  voter  pretended  to  forget  the  name  of  Mr. 
Dease,  or  else  gave  the  name  of  the  landlord  or  agent. 
In  this  event,  of  course,  the  vote  was  lost,  which  was 
exactly  what  the  sharp-witted  rustic  wanted. 

"  What  is  your  name  ?  " 

"  My  name,  is  it,  sur?  " 

"Yes,  sir,  your  name." 

"  Och,  then,  begor,  av  it's  my  name,  I'll  never 
deny  it." 

A  pause. 

"  Come,  sir,  go  down  if  you  will  not  proceed." 


Irisb  limit  anD  Ibumor  89 

Here  the  agent's  eye  is  caught  menacingly  fixed  on 
him. 

"  Arrah,  shure,  everyone  knows  me  name.  What 
need  you  ax  me  ?  ' ' 

''  What  is  it,  sir  ?— last  time." 

"  What  is  it?     Dan  Mahony,  thanks  be  to  God." 

"  Dan  Mahony,  for  whom  do  you  vote  ?  " 

"  For  who  do  I  vote,  is  it  ?  " 

A  long,  a  very  long  pause. 

"  Come,  sir,  I'll  take  the  next  man." 

Dan  looks  at  the  agent  as  if  to  say,  "  Blame  me 
not.     I'm  doing  my  best."     Then  with  an  effort— 

"  I  vote  for  what's-his-name,  you  know,  that  me 
landlord  wants  me  to  vote  for." 

"  That  won't  do,  sir,  and  I  can't  waste  any  more 
time  with  you.     Clerk,  take  the  next  man." 

Here,  Mr.  Dease's  attorney  made  an  effort  to 
whisper,  "  Dease,"  but  is  collared  by  young  Mr. 
Wright,  who  is  in  charge  on  the  other  side.  "  No 
prompting,  sir,  I  protest."  Dan  Mahony  scratches  his 
head  in  well-feigned  perplexity,  and,  as  if  for  life  or 
death,  shouts  : 

"  I  wote  for  Daly  /" 

A  shriek  from  the  attorneys.  A  groan  from  the 
agent.  Dan  is  hustled  out  of  the  booth,  exclaiming  as 
he  goes,  "  I  voted  for  my  landlord's  man  !  "  He 
turns  round  the  street  corner  and  meets  some  neigh- 
bors on  the  look-out  for  him.  "  All  right,  boys.  Has- 
set  and  Home  Rule  for  ever  !  Hurroo  !  "  [8] 
Gallantry  in  Church 

One  Sunday  during  high  mass,  at  twelve,  in  the 
chapel  of  the  little  village  of  Glengariff,  three  ladies  of 
the  Protestant  faith  were  obliged  to  take  shelter  from 
one  of  those  heavy  summer  showers  which  so  frequently 
occur  in  the  south  of  Ireland.  The  officiating  priest, 
knowing  who  they  were,  and  wishing  to  appear 
respectful  to  them,  stooped  down  to  his  attendant,  or 
clerk,  who  was  on  his  knees,  and  whispered  to  him  : 
"  Three  chairs  for  the  Protestant  ladies."  The  clerk, 
being  an  ignorant  man,  mistook  the  words,  stood  up, 
and  shouted  out  to  the  congregation  :  "  Three  cheers 
for  the  Protestant  ladies!"   which  the    congregation 


90  Uriah  mit  anD  Ibumor 

immediately  took  up,   and  gave  three  hearty  cheers, 
while  the  clergyman    actually  stood  dumbfounded. 

The  Old  Lady  and  the  Railway  Porter 

"  Porter,"  asked  an  old  lady  of  an  Irish  porter, 
"when  does  the  nine  o'clock  train  leave  !  " 

"  Sixty  minutes  past  eight,  mum,"  was  Mike's  reply. 

An  Editor's  Excuse  for  a  Blunder 

An    Irish    editor,   apologizing  for   a   rather  serious 
blunder  in  his  paper,  said  :   "  I  never  saw  the  manu-  • 
script  till  it  was  in  print." 

Paddy's   Reason   for    Not    Paying   the    Purgatory 
Tax 

There  is  no  doubt  that  in  Ireland  the  simplicity  of 
the  non-educated  peasant  has  sometimes  been  abused 
and  his  superstition  worked  upon.  Sometimes,  how- 
ever, the  simplicity  and  superstition  have  been 
extinguished  by  the  sudden  bursting  forth  of  Paddy's 
inborn  wit.  No  better  illustration  of  this  can  be 
given  than  the  story  which  Mickey  Free  tells  to 
Charles  O'Malley. 

Having  sworn  his  listener  to  silence  and  secrecy, 
Mickey  began  :  "  Maybe  you  heard  tell  of  the  way  my 
father — rest  his  soul  wherever  he  is — came  to  his  end. 
Well,  I  needn't  mind  particulars,  but,  in  short,  he  was 
murdered  in  Ballinasloe  one  night. 

"  Well,  we  had  a  very  agreeable  wake,  and  plenty 
of  the  best  of  everything  and  to  spare,  and  I  thought 
it  was  all  over  ;  but,  somehow,  though  I  paid  Father 
Roach  fifteen  shillings,  and  made  him  mighty  drunk, 
he  always  gave  me  a  black  look  whenever  I  met  him, 
and  when  I  took  off  my  hat  he  turned  away  his  head 
displeased  like. 

"  One  day,  however,  I  was  coming  home  from 
Athlone  market  by  myself,  when  Father  Roach  over- 
took me.  '  Devil  a  one  o'  me  'ill  take  any  notice  of 
you  now,'  says  I,  'and  we'll  see  what'll  come  out  of 
it.'  So  the  priest  rid  up  and  looked  me  straight  in  the 
face. 

"  *  Mickey,'  says  he,  '  Mickey.' 

"  '  Father,'  says  I. 


Urisb  mit  anD  Ibumor  91 

"*  Is  it  that  way  you  salute  your  clergy,'  says  he, 
*  with  your  caubeen  on  your  head  ?  ' 

"  '  Faix,'  said  I,  '  it  s  little  ye  mind  whether  it's  an 
or  aff,  for  you  never  take  the  trouble  to  say  by  your 
leave,  or  damn  your  soul,  or  any  other  politeness, 
when  we  meet.' 

"  'You're  an  ungrateful  creature,'  says  he,  'and  if 
you  only  knew,  you'd  be  trembling  in  your  skin 
before  me  this  minute.' 

"  '  Devil  a  tremble,'  says  I,  '  after  walking  six  miles 
this  way.' 

"'You're  an  obstinate,  hard-hearted  sinner,'  says 
he,  '  and  it's  no  use  in  tellin'  you.' 

"'Telling  me  what?'  saN's  I,  for  I  was  getting 
curious  to  make  out  what  he  meant. 

"  '  Mickey,'  says  he,  changing  his  voice,  and  putting 
his  head  down  close  to  me,  '  Mickey,  I  saw  your 
father  last  night.' 

"'The  saints  be  merciful  to  us!'  said  I;  'did 
ye?' 

"  '  I  did,'  says  he. 

"  '  Tear-an-ages  ! '  says  I ;  '  did  he  tell  you  what  he 
did  with  the  new  corduroys  he  bought  in  the  fair  ?  ' 

"  '  Oh,  then,  you  are  a  could-hearted  creature,'  says 
he,  'and  I'll  not  lose  time  with  you.'  With  that  he 
was  going  to  ride  away,  when  I  took  hold  of  the 
bridle. 

"  '  Father,  darling,'  says  I,  '  God  pardon  me,  but 
them  breeches  is  goin'  between  me  and  my  night's 
rest  ;  but  tell  me  all  about  my  father  ! ' 

"  '  Oh  !  then,  he's  in  a  melancholy  state  ! ' 

"  *  Whereabouts  is  he?  '  says  I. 

"  '  In  purgathory,'  says  he ;  '  but  he  won't  be  there 
long.' 

"  '  Well,'  says  I,  '  that's  a  comfort,  anyhow.' 

"  '  I  am  glad  you  think  so,'  says  he;  'but  there's 
more  of  the  other  opinion.' 

"  '  What's  that  ?  '  says  I. 

"  '  That  hell's  worse.' 

"  '  Oh  !  meila  murther,'  says  I,  '  is  that  it  ?  ' 

".'  Ay,  that's  it.' 

"Well,    I    was   so  terrified   and   frightened,  I   said 


92  Heigh  limit  anD  Dumor 

nothing  for  some  time,  but  trotted  along  beside  the 
priest's  horse. 

"  '  Father,'  says  I,  '  how  long  will  it  be  before  they 
send  where  you  know  ? ' 

"' It  will  not  be  long  now/  says  he,  'for  they're 
tired  entirely  with  him  ;  they've  no  peace,  night  or 
day,'  says  he.  '  Mickey,  your  father  is  a  mighty  hard 
man.' 

'"True  for  you,  Father  Roach,'  said  I  to  myself; 
'  av  he  had  only  the  ould  stick  with  the  scythe  in  it,  I 
wish  them  joy  of  his  company.' 

"  '  Mickey,'  says  he,  '  I  see  you're  grieved,  and  I 
don't  wonder;  sure  it's  a  great  disgrace  to  a  decent 
family.' 

"  '  Troth,  it  is,'  says  I,  '  but  my  father  always  liked 
low  company.  Could  nothing  be  done  for  him  now, 
Father  Roach?'  says  I,  looking  up  in  the  priest's 
face. 

"  '  I'm  greatly  afraid,  Mickey,  he  was  a  bad  man— 
a  very  bad  man.' 

"  '  And  ye  think  he'll  go  there?'  says  I, 

"  '  Indeed,  Mickey,  I  have  my  fears.' 

"'Upon  my  conscience,'  says  I,  'I  believe  you're 
right;  he  was  always  a  restless  crayture.' 

"'But  it  doesn't  depind  on  him,'  says  the  priest, 
crossly. 

"  '  Ah,  then,  who  then  ?  '  says  I. 

"  '  Upon  yourself,  Mickey  Free,'  says  he ;  '  God 
pardon  you  for  it,  too.' 

"  '  Upon  me?  '  says  I. 

"  '  Troth,  no  less,'  says  he  ;  '  how  many  masses 
was  said  for  your  father's  soul  ? — how  many  aves  ? — 
how  many  paters  ? — answer  me.' 

"  '  Devil  a  one  of  me  knows  ! — maybe  twenty.' 

"  '  Twenty,  twenty — no,  not  one  ! ' 

"'And  why  not?'  says  I.  'What  for?  Would 
not  you  be  helping  a  poor  crayture  out  of  trouble, 
when  it  wouldn't  cost  you  more  nor  a  handful  of 
prayers  ?  ' 

"  '  Mickey,  I  see,'  says  he  in  a  solemn  tone, '  you're 
worse  nor  a  haythen  ;  but  ye  couldn't  be  other ;  ye 
never  come  to  yer  duties.' 


Irisb  limit  anD  Ibumoc  93 

"  '  Well,  father,'  says  I,  looking  very  penitent, '  how- 
many  masses  would  get  him  out?' 

'"Now  you  talk  like  a  sensible  man,'  says  he; 
'now,  Mickey,  I've  hopes  for  you— let  me  see '—here 
he  went  countin'  on  his  fingers  and  numberin'  to 
himself  for  five  minutes—'  Mickey,'  says  he,  '  I've  a 
batch  coming  out  on  Tuesday  week,  and,  if  you  were 
to  make  great  exertions,  perhaps  your  father  would 
come  with  them  ;  that  is,  av  they  made  no  objections.' 
"'And  what  for  would  they?'  says  I;  'he  was 
always  the  hoith  of  company,  and  av  singing's  allowed 

in  them  parts ' 

"  '  God  forgive  you,  Mickey,  butye'r  in  a  benighted 
state,'  says  he,  sighing. 

"  '  Well,'  says  I,  '  how'll  we  get  him  out  Tuesday 
week?  for  that's  bringing  things  to  a  focus.' 

"  '  Two  masses  in  the  morning,  fastin','  says  Father 
Roach,  half  aloud,  '  is  two,  and  two  in  the  afternoon 
is  four,  and  two  at  vespers  is  six,'  says  he;  'six 
masses  a  day  for  nine  days  is  close  by  sixty  masses- 
say  sixty,'  says  he,  '  and  they'll  cost  you— mind, 
Mickey,  and  don't  be  telling  it  again— for  it's  only  to 
yourself  I'd  make  them  so  cheap— a  matter  of  three 
pounds.' 

"  '  Three  pounds  !  '  says  I ;  '  begorra  ye  might  as 
well  ax  me  to  give  you  the  rock  of  Cashel.' 

"  '  I'm  sorry  for  you,  Mickey,'  says  he,  gatherin' 
up  the  reins  to  ride  off ;  'I'm  sorry  for  you ;  and  the 
day  will  come  when  the  neglect  of  your  poor  father 
will  be  a  sore  stroke  agin  yourself.' 

"  '  Wait  a  bit,  your  reverence,'  says  I,  '  wait  a  bit ; 
would  forty  shillings  get  him  out?' 
"  '  Av  coorse  it  wouldn't,'  says  he. 
"'Maybe,'   said    I,   coaxing,   'maybe  av  you  said 
that  his  son  was  a  poor  boy  that   lived  by  his  indus- 
thry,  and  the  times  was  bad  ?  ' 
"  '  Not  the  least  use,'  says  he. 

"  '  Arrah,  but  its  hard-heared  they  are,'  thinks  I  ; 
*  well,  see  now,  I'll  give  you  the  money— but  I  can't 
afford  it  all  at  on'st— but  I'll  pay  five  shillings  a  week 
^will  that  do  ?  ' 

"  *  I'll  do  my  endayvors,'  says  Father  Roach  ;  '  and 


94  ITrisb  TKHit  anD  tbumor 

I'll  spake  to  them  totrate  him  peaceably  in  the  mean- 
time.' 

"  '  Long  life  to  your  reverence,  and  do.  Well, 
here  now,  here's  five  hogs  to  begin  with  ;  and  mushla, 
but  I  never  thought  I'd  be  spending  my  loose  change 
that  a  way.' 

"  Father  Roach  put  the  six  tinpennies  in  the  pocket 
of  his  black  leather  breeches,  said  something  in  Latin, 
bid  me  good-morning,  and  rode  off. 

"  Well,  to  make  my  story  short,  I  worked  late  and 
early  to  pay  the  five  shillings  a  week,  and  I  did  do  it 
for  three  weeks  regular ;  then  I  brought  four  and 
fourpence — then  it  came  down  to  one  and  ten  pence 
halfpenny— then  ninepence— and  at  last  I  had  nothing 
at  all  to  bring. 

"  '  Mickey  Free,'  says  the  priest,  '  ye  must  stir  your- 
self—  your  father  is  mighty  displeased  at  the  way 
you've  been  doing  of  late  ;  and  av  ye  kept  your  word, 
he'd  be  near  out  by  this  time.' 

"  '  Troth,'  says  I,  '  it's  a  very  expensive  place.' 

"  '  By  coorse,  it  is,'  says  he  ;  '  sure,  all  the  quality  of 
the  land's  there.  But,  Mickey,  my  man,  with  a  little 
exertion,  your  father's  business  is  done.  What  are 
ye  jingling  in  your  pocket  there?' 

"  '  Its  ten  shillings,  your  reverence.  I  have  to  buy 
seed  potatoes.' 

" '  Hand  it  here,  my  son.  Isn't  it  better  your 
father  be  enjoying  himself  in  Paradise,  than  ye  were 
to  have  all  the  potatoes  in  Ireland  ? ' 

"  '  And  do  ye  know,'  says  I,  '  he  is  so  near  out  ?  ' 

"  '  How  do  I  know — how  do  I  know — is  it?  didn't 
I  see  him  ?  ' 

"  '  See  him  !  Tear-an-ages,  was  you  down  there 
again  ? ' 

"  '  I  was,'  says  he,  '  I  was  down  there  for  three- 
quarters  of  an  hour  yesterday  evening,  getting  out 
Luke  Kennedy's  mother — decent  people  the  Kennedy's 
— never  spared  expense.' 

"  '  Have  ye  seen  my  father?  '  says  I. 

''  '  I  did,'  says  he,  '  he  has  an  -ould  flannel  waist- 
coat on,  and  a  pipe  sticking  out  of  the  pocket  av  it.' 

"  '  That's  him,'  says  I ;  '  had  he  a  hairy  cap  ? ' 


Hrlsb  'emit  anD  "Ibumor  95 

"  'I  didn't  mind  the  cap,'  says  he,  'but  av  coorse 
he  wouldn't  have  it  on  his  head  in  that  place.' 

"  '  There's  for  you,'  says  I ;  '  did  he  speak  to  you  ? ' 

'•'He  did,'  said  Father  Roach;  'he  spoke  very 
hard  about  the  way  he  was  treated  down  there,  that 
they  was  always  jibin'  and  jeerin'  at  him  about  drink 
and  fightin',  and  the  coorse  he  led  up  here,  and  that 
it  was  a  queer  thing,  for  the  matter  of  ten  shillings, 
he  was  to  be  kept  there  so  long.' 

"  '  Well,'  says  I,  taking  out  the  ten  shillings  and 
counting  it  with  one  hand,  'we  must  do  our  best, 
anyhow — and  ye  think  this'll  get  him  out  surely?  ' 

"'I  know  it  will,'  says  he;  'for  when  Luke's 
mother  was  leaving  the  place,  yer  father  saw  the  door 
open,  he  made  a  rush  at  it,  and,  begorra,  before  it  was 
shut  he  got  his  head  and  one  shoulder  outside  av  it, 
so  that  ye  see,  a  trifle  more  will  do  it.' 

"  '  Faix,  and  yer  reverence,'  says  I,  '  you've  light- 
tened  my  heart  this  morning,'  and  I  put  the  money 
back  in  my  pocket. 

"'Why,  what  do  3'ou  mean?'  sa3's  he,  growing 
very  red,  for  he  was  angry. 

"  'Just  this,'  says  I,  'that  I've  saved  my  money, 
for  av  it  was  my  father  yoM  seen,  and  that  he  got  his 
head  and  one  shoulder  outside  the  door,  oh,  then,  by 
the  powers,'  says  I,  'the  devil  a  gaol  or  gaoler  from 
hell  to  Connaught  id  hould  him  ;  so,  Father  Roach,  I 
wish  you  the  top  of  the  morning,'  and  I  went  away 
laughing  ;  and  from  that  day  to  this  I  never  heard 
more  of  purgathory,  and  ye  see,  Masther  Charles, 
I  think  I  was  right."     [i] 

Irish  Exactness 
Mike:  "An' whatareyediggin'outthat  holeror,  Pat  ?" 
Pat :  "  Arrah  !   an'  its  not  the  hole  I'm  diggin'  out  ! 
I'm  diggin'  the  dirt  and  lavin'  the  hole  I  " 
Clearing  the  Court 

"  In  Cork,"  says  O'Connell,  "  I  remember  a  super- 
numerary crier,  who  had  been  put  in  the  placeof  an  inva- 
lid, tryingto  disperse  the  crowd,  exclaimingwith  a  sten- 
torian voice  :  '  All  you  blackguards  that  isn't  lawyers 
lave thecourt entirely, or,  by  thepowers,  I'llmakeye  ! '  " 


96  Urisb  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

How  Major  Bob  Mahon  Defeated  the  Bailiffs 

"  It  was  somewhere  about  last  November  that  the 
Major  got  a  hint  from  someone  of  Daly's  that  the 
sooner  he  got  out  of  Dublin  the  more  conducive  it 
would  be  to  his  personal  freedom,  as  various  writs 
were  flying  about  the  capital  after  him.  He  took  the 
hint,  and  set  off  the  same  night  and  reached  his  beau- 
tiful chateau  of  Newgate  without  molestation — which, 
having  victualled  for  the  winter,  he  could,  if  neces- 
sary, sustain  a  reasonable  siege  against  any  force  the 
law  was  likely  to  bring  up.  The  house  had  an 
abundant  supply  of  arms — there  were  guns  that 
figured  in  '41,  pikes  that  had  done  service  a  little 
later,  swords  of  every  shape — from  the  two-handed 
weapon  of  the  twelfth  century  to  a  Roman  pattern 
made  out  of  a  scythe  by  a  smith  in  the  neighborhood  ; 
but  the  grand  terror  of  the  country  w^as  an  old  four- 
pounder  of  Cromwell's  time  that  the  major  had 
mounted  on  the  roof,  and  whose  effects,  if  only  pro- 
portionally injurious  to  the  enemy  to  the  results 
nearer  home  must  indeed  be  a  formidable  engine  ; 
for  the  only  time  it  was  fired — I  believe  to  celebrate 
Bob's  birthday — it  knocked  down  a  chimney  with  the 
recoil,  blew  the  gardener  and  another  man  about  ten 
feet  in  the  air,  and  hurled  Bob  himself  through  a  sky- 
light into  the  housekeeper's  room.  No  matter  for  that, 
it  had  a  great  effect  in  raising  the  confidence  of  the 
country  people,  some  of  whom  verily  believed  that 
the  ball  was  rolling  for  a  week  after. 

"  Bob,  I  say,  victualled  the  fortress,  but  he  did 
more — for  he  assembled  all  the  tenants,  and  in  a  short 
but  pithy  speech  he  told  them  the  state  of  his 
affairs,  explaining  with  considerable  eloquence  what 
a  misfortune  it  would  be  for  them  if  by  any  chance 
they  would  lose  him  for  a  landlord. 

"  '  See  now,  boys,'  said  he,  'there's  no  knowing  what 
misfortune  wouldn't  happen  ye  ;  they'd  put  a  receiver 
on  the  property— a  spalpeen  with  bailiffs  and  con- 
stables after  him — that  would  be  making  you  pay  up 
the  rent,  and  faith  I  wouldn't  say  but  maybe  he'd  ask 
you  for  the  arrears.' 

"  '  Oh,   raurther,   murther  !   did   any  one  ever  hear 


Idsb  ma  anD  Ibumoc  97 

the  like  ! '  the  people  cried  on  every  side,  and  Bob, 
like  a  clever  orator,  continued  to  picture  forth  addi- 
tional miseries  and  misfortunes  to  them,  if  such  a 
calamitous  event  were  to  happen,  explaining  at  the 
same  time  the  contemptible  nature  of  the  persecution 
practised  against  him. 

"' No,  boys,'  cried  he,  'there  isn't  a  man  among 
them  all  that  has  the  courage  to  come  down  and  ask 
for  his  money,  face  to  face,  but  the}'  set  up  a  pair  of 
fellows  they  called  John  Doe  and  Richard  Roe — there's 
names  for  you  !  Did  you  ever  hear  of  a  gentleman 
in  the  country  with  names  like  that?  But  that's  not 
the  worst  of  it,  for  you  see  even  these  two  chaps  can't 
be  found.  It's  truth  I'm  telling  you,  and  some  people 
go  as  far  as  to  say  there's  no  such  people  at  all,  and 
it's  only  a  way  they  have  to  worry  and  annoy  country 
gentlemen  with  what  they  call  a  fiction  of  the  law ; 
and  my  notion  is  that  the  law  is  nothing  but  lies  and 
fiction  from  beginning  to  end.' 

"Avery  loud  cheer  from  Bob's  audience  proclaimed 
how  perfectly  they  coincided  in  his  opinion  ;  and  a 
keg  of  whiskey  being  brought  on  to  the  lawn,  each 
man  drained  a  glass  to  his  health,  uttering  at  the  same 
time  a  determination  with  respect  to  the  law  officers  of 
the  crown  that  boded  but  little  happiness  to  them 
when  they  made  a  tour  in  the  neighborhood. 

"  In  about  a  week  after  this  there  was  a  grand 
drawing  home  ;  that's,  you  understand,  what  we  call 
in  Ireland  bringing  in  the  harvest ;  and  sure  enough 
the  farmj'ard  presented  a  very  comely  sight,  with 
ricks  of  hay,  and  stacks  of  corn,  and  oats  and  barley, 
and  outhouses  full  of  potatoes,  and,  in  fact,  every- 
thing the  country  produces,  besides  cows  and  horses, 
sheep,  pigs,  goats  and  even  turkeys,  for  most  of  the 
tenants  paid  their  rents  in  kind,  and  as  Bob  was  an 
easy  landlord,  very  few  came  out  without  a  little 
present,  a  game-cock,  a  jackass,  a  ram,  or  some 
amusing  beast  or  other.  Well,  the  next  day — it  was 
a  fine  dry  day  with  a  light  frost,  and  as  the  bog  was 
hard.  Bob  sent  them  all  away  to  bring  in  the  turf. 
Why  then,  but  it  is  a  beautiful  sight,  captain,  and  I  wish 
you  saw  it ;    maybe  two  or  three  hundred  cars  all 


98  txieh  mit  anD  fbumor 

going  as  fast  as  they  can  pelt  on  a  fine  bright  day 
with  a  blue  sky  and  a  sharp  air,  the  boys  standing  up 
in  the  kishes,  driving  without  rein  or  halter— always 
at  a  gallop— for  all  the  world  like  Ajax,  Ulysses,  and 
the  rest  of  them  that  we  read  of ;  and  the  girls,  as 
pretty  craytures  as  ever  you  threw  an  eye  upon,  with 
their  short  red  petticoats,  and  their  hair  plaited  and 
fastened  up  at  the  back  of  their  heads  ;  on  my  con- 
science the  Trojan  women  were  nothing  to  them.  But 
to  come  back.  Bob  Mahon  was  coming  home  from 
the  bog  about  five  o'clock  in  the  evening,  cantering 
along  on  a  little  dun  pony  he  had,  thinking  of  nothing 
at  all,  except,  maybe,  the  elegant  rick  of  turf  that  he'd 
be  bringing  home  in  the  morning,  when  what  did  he 
see  before  him  but  a  troop  of  dragoons,  and  at  their 
head  old  Basset,  the  sub-sheriff,  and  another  fellow 
whose  face  he  had  often  seen  in  the  Four  Courts  of 
Dublin.  '  By  the  mortial,'  said  Bob,  '  I  am  done  for  '  ; 
for  he  saw  in  a  moment  that  Bassett  had  waited  until 
all  the  country  people  were  employed  at  a  distance  to 
come  over  and  take  him.  However,  he  was  no  ways 
discouraged,  but  brushing  his  way  through  the 
dragoons,  he  rode  up  beside  Bassett's  gig,  and  taking 
a  long  pistol  out  of  the  holster,  he  began  to  examine 
the  priming. 

"'How  are  you,  Nick  Basset?'  said  Bob;  'and 
where  are  you  going  this  evening  ?  ' 

"  '  How  are  you.  Major?  '  said  Basset,  with  his  eye 
all  the  while  upon  the  pistol.  '  It  is  an  unpleasant 
business — a  mighty  unpleasant  business  to  me.  Major 
Boy,'  says  he  ;  '  but  the  truth  is  there  is  an  execution 
against  you,  and  my  friend  here,  Mr.  Hennessy, — Mr. 
Hennessy — Major  Mahon — asked  me  to  come  over 
with  him,  because  as  I  knew  you ' 

"  '  Well,  well,'  said  Bob,  interrupting  him.  '  Have 
you  a  writ  against  me — is  it  me  you  want  ?  ' 

"  '  Nothing  of  the  kind,  Major  Mahon.  God  forbid 
we'd  touch  a  hair  of  your  head.  It's  just  a  kind  of  a 
capias,  as  I  may  say,  nothing  more.' 

"  '  And  why  did  you  bring  the  dragoons  with  you,' 
said  Bob,  looking  at  him  mighty  hard. 

"  Basset  looked  very  sheepish,  and  didn't  know 
what  to  say,  but  Mahon  soon  relieved  him — 


Ifriab  Wit  an&  Ibumor  99 

"  '  Never  mind,  Nick,  never  mind,  you  can't  help 
your  trade  ;  but  how  would  you  look  if  I  was  to  raise 
the  country  on  ye  ?  ' 

"  '  You  wouldn't  do  the  like,  Major — but  surely,  if 
you  did,  the  troops ' 

"  '  The  troops  !  '  said  Bob  ;  '  God  help  you  !  we'd 
be  twenty — ay,  thirty  to  one.  See  now,  if  I  give  a 
whistle,  this  minute ' 

"  '  Don't  distress  yourself,  Major,'  said  Basset,  'for 
the  decent  people  are  a  good  six  miles  off  at  the  bog, 
and  couldn't  hear  you  if  you  whistled  ever  so  loud.' 

"  The  moment  he  said  this  Bob  saw  that  the  old 
rogue  was  up  to  him,  and  he  began  to  wonder  within 
himself  what  was  best  to  be  done. 

"  '  See  now,  Nick,'  said  he,  '  it  isn't  like  a  friend  to 
bring  up  all  these  redcoats  here  upon  me,  before  my 
tenantry,  disgracing  me  in  the  face  of  my  people. 
Send  them  back  to  the  town,  and  go  up  yourself 
with  Mr.  Hennessy  there  and  do  whatever  you 
have  to  do.' 

"  '  No,  no  ! '  screamed  Hennessy,  '  I'll  never  part 
with  the  soldiers.' 

"'Very  well,'  said  Bob,  'take  your  own  way  and 
see  what  will  come  of  it.' 

"  He  put  spurs  to  his  pony  as  he  said  this,  and  was 
just  striking  into  the  gallop,  when  Nick  called  out, — 

"  '  Wait  a  bit,  Major,  wait  a  bit.  If  we  leave  the 
dragoons  where  we  are  now,  will  you  give  us  your 
word  of  honor  not  to  hurt  or  molest  us  in  the  discharge 
of  our  duty,  nor  let  any  one  else  do  so  ?  ' 

"  '  I  will,'  said  Bob,  '  now  that  you  talk  reasonably  ; 
I'll  treat  you  well.' 

"  After  a  little  parley  it  was  settled  that  part  of  the 
dragoons  were  to  wait  on  the  road,  and  the  rest  of 
them  in  the  lawn  before  the  house,  while  Nick  and  his 
friends  were  to  go  through  the  ceremony  of  seizing 
Bob's  effects,  and  make  an  inventory  of  everything 
they  could  find. 

"  '  A  mere  matter  of  form,  Major  Mahon,'  said  he  : 
*  we'll  make  it  as  short  as  possible,  and  leave  a  couple 
of  men  in  possession  ;  and  as  I  know  the  affair  will  be 
arranged  in  a  few  days ' 


100  Itisb  mix  anO  Ibumor 

"  '  Of  course,'  saj's  Bob  laughing  :  '  nothing  easier. 
So  come  along  now  and  let  me  show  you  the  way.' 

"  When  they  reached  the  house  Bob  ordered  up 
dinner  at  once,  and  behaved  as  politely  as  possible, 
telling  them  it  was  early  and  they  would  have  plenty 
of  time  for  everything  in  the  evening.  But  whether  it 
was  that  they  had  no  appetites  just  then,  or  that  they 
were  not  over-easy  in  their  minds  about  Bob  himself, 
they  declined  everything,  and  began  to  set  about  their 
work.  To  it  they  went  with  pen  and  ink,  putting 
down  all  the  chairs  and  tables,  and  cracked  china, 
and  fire-irons,  and  at  last  Bob  left  them  counting  over 
about  twenty  pairs  of  old  top-boots  that  stood  along 
the  wall  of  his  dressing-room. 

"  '  Ned,'  said  Bob  to  his  own  man,  '  get  two  big 
padlocks  and  put  them  on  the  door  of  the  hay-loft  as 
fast  as  you  can.' 

"'Sure  it  is  empty,  sir,'  said  Ned;  '  barrin  the 
rats,  there's  nothing  in  it.' 

"  '  Don't  I  know  that  as  well  as  you?'  said  Bob: 
'but  can't  you  do  as  you  are  bid,  and  when  you've 
done  it,  take  the  pony  and  gallop  over  to  tne  bog,  and 
tell  the  people  to  throw  the  turf  out  of  their  carts  and 
gallop  up  here  as  fast  as  they  can.' 

"  He  scarcely  said  it  when  Nick  called  out,  '  Now 
Major,  for  the  farm-yard,  if  you  please.'  And  so  tak- 
ing Hennessy's  arm,  he  walked  out  followed  b}'  the 
two  big  bailiffs,  that  never  left  them  for  a  moment. 
To  be  sure  it  was  a  great  sight  when  they  got  outside 
and  saw  all  the  ricks  and  stacks  as  thick  as  they  could 
stand  ;  and  so  they  began  counting  and  putting  down 
on  paper,  and  the  devil  a  thing  they  forgot,  not  even 
the  boneens  and  the  bantams,  and  at  last  Nick  fixed 
his  eye  upon  the  little  door  into  the  loft  upon  which 
now  two  great  big  padlocks  were  hanging. 

"'  I  suppose  it's  oats  you  have  up  there.  Major?' 
said  he. 

"  '  No,  indeed,'  said  Bob,  looking  a  little  confused. 

"  '  Maybe  seed-potatoes?  '  said  Hennessy  . 

"  '  Nor  it  neither,'  said  he. 

'"Barley,  it's  likely?'  cried  Nick;  '  it  is  a  fine 
dry  loft.' 


Irisb  TKHit  anO  Ibumor  loi 

«' '  No.'  said  Bob,  '  it  is  empty.' 

'<  And  with  that  he  endeavored  to  turn  them  away 
and  get  them  back  into  the  house;  but  old  Basset 
turned  back,  and  fixing  his  eye  upon  the  door,  shook 
his  head  for  a  couple  of  minutes.  .    ,   .    ,       .u 

<'  Wei  ,'  said  he, '  for  an  empty  loft  I  thmk  it  has  the 
finest  pair  of  padlocks  I  ever  looked  at.  Would  there 
be  any  objection,  Major,  to  our  takmg  a  peep  into   t  ? 

-None,'  said  Bob;   'but  I  haven't  a  ladder  that 

^^^?/nhinlf\m:- might  reach,'  said  Hennessy,  as  he 
touched  one  with  his  foot  that  lay  close  along  the 
wall    nartlv  covered  with  straw. 

"'^'A'ptL  thing,'  said  Nick;  while  poor  Bob  hung 
down  his  head  and  said  nothing.  ^\f^^^^^  ^^ey 
raised  the  ladder  and  placed  it  against  the  door 

-  Mi.ht  I  trouble  vou  for  the  key.  Major  Mahon?' 

^^^.'.fbdir;/ it  is  mislaid.'  said  Bob  in  a  kind  of 
sulky  way,  at  which  they  both  grinned  at  each  other, 
as  much  as  to  say,  '  We  have  him  now.' 

-  You'll  not  take  it  amiss  then,  Major,  if  we  break 

^'!<'y°ou  m\f  b^at-it,  and  be  hanged,'  said  Bob,  as 
he  stuck  his  hands  into  his  pocket  and  walked  away. 
'<<  This  will  do,'  cried  one  of  the  bailiffs,  taking  up 
a  big  stone  as  he  mounted  the  ladder,  followed  by 
Nirk    Hennessv  and  the  other. 

"  It  .ook  some  time  to  smash  the  locks  for  they 
were  both  strong  ones,  and  all  the  «h.le  N.ck  and  h.s 
friend  were  talking  away  m  great  glee  but  poor  Bob 
stood  by  himself  against  a  hay^rick,  ook-S  -  "f^^ 
rhnlv  a^  mi-'ht  be.  At  last  the  locks  gave  way  ana 
down  wentthe  door  with  a  bang.  The  bailiffs  stepped 
in  and  then  Nick  and  the  others  followed.  It  took 
hem  a  couple  of  minutes  to  satisfy  themselves  that 
the  loft  was'^mpty,  but  when  they  came  back  agam  to 
the  door,  what  was  their  surprise  to.d'^^^^^f  f  ^ 
was    carrying   the    ladder  upon    his   shoulders  to  a 

^'':^VC:imorrcta  Basset,  '  don't  forget  us  up 
here.' 


102  Hrlsb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

"  '  Devil  a  fear  of  that,'  said  Bob  ;  '  few  that  know 
you,  ever  forget  you.' 

"  '  We  are  quite  satisfied,  sir,'  said  Hennessy,  '  what 
you  said  was  perfectly  correct.' 

"  '  And  why  didn't  you  believe  it  before,  Mr. 
Hennessy  ?  You  see  what  you  have  brought  upon 
yourself.' 

"'You  are  not  going  to  leave  us  up  here,  sir,' 
cried  Hennessy ;  '  will  you  venture  upon  false 
imprisonment  ? ' 

"  '  I'd  venture  on  more  than  that,  if  it  were  needful ; 
but  see,  now,  when  you  get  back  don't  be  pretending 
that  I  didn't  offer  to  treat  you  well— little  as  you 
deserve  it.  I  asked  you  to  dinner,  and  would  have 
given  you  your  skinful  of  wine  afterwards,  but  you 
preferred  your  own  dirty  calling,  and  so  take  the 
consequences.' 

"  While  he  was  speaking  a  great  cheer  was  heard, 
and  all  the  country  people  came  galloping  into  the 
yard  with  their  turf  cars. 

"  '  Be  alive  now,  boys,'  cried  Bob.  '  How  many 
cars  have  you  ?  ' 

"  '  Seventy,  sir,  here,  but  there  is  more  coming.' 

"'That'll  do,'  said  he;  'so  now  set  to  work  and 
carry  away  all  the  oats,  and  the  wheat,  the  hay,  barley 
and  potatoes  ;  let  some  of  you  take  the  calves  and 
the  pigs,  and  drive  the  bullocks  over  the  mountain  to 
Mr.  Bodkin's  ;  don't  leave  a  tiirkey  behind  you,  boys, 
and  make  haste,  for  these  gentlemen  have  so  many 
engagements  I  can  scarcely  prevail  on  them  to  pass 
more  than  a  day  or  two  amongst  us.' 

"  Bob  pointed,  as  he  spoke,  to  the  four  figures  that 
stood  trembling  at  the  hay-loft  door.  A  loud  cheer, 
and  a  roar  of  laughter  to  the  full  as  loud,  answered 
his  speech  ;  and  at  the  same  moment  to  it  they  went, 
loading  their  cars  with  the  harvest  or  the  live-stock, 
as  fast  as  they  could  ;  to  be  sure,  such  a  scene  was 
never  witnessed — the  cows  lowing,  pigs  grunting, 
fowls  cackling,  men  and  women  all  running  here  and 
there,  laughing  like  mad,  and  Nick  Basset  himself 
swearing  like  a  trooper  the  whole  time  that  he'd  have 
them  all  hanged  at  the  next  assizes.      Would   you 


Irisb  Mit  atiD  Ibumor  103 

believe,  the  harvest  it  took  nearly  three  weeks  to 
bring  home,  was  carried  away  that  night  and  scat- 
tered all  over  the  country  at  different  farms  where  it 
could  never  be  traced  ;  all  the  cattle,  too,  were  taken 
away,  and  before  sunrise  there  wasn't  as  much  as  a 
sheep  or  a  lamb  left  to  bleat  on  the  lawn. 

"  The  same  day  Bob  set  out  on  a  visit  to  a  friend 
at  some  distance,  leaving  directions  with  his  people 
to  liberate  the  gentlemen  in  the  hay-loft  in  the  course 
of  the  afternoon.  The  story  made  a  great  noise  in 
the  country,  but  before  the  people  were  tired  laughing 
at  it  an  action  was  brought  against  Bob  for  false 
imprisonment,  and  heavy  damages  awarded  against 
him."      [7] 

How  the  Widow  Helped  to  Arrest  Major  Mahon 
Mankind  is  very  much  the  same  in  every  country 
and  every  age — some  men  ambitioning  the  credit  of 
virtues,  the  very  garb  of  which  they  know  not ;  others, 
and  a  large  class,  too,  seeking  for  the  reputation  of 
vices  the  world  palliates  with  the  appellation  of 
fashionable.  We  laugh  at  the  courtier  of  Louis  XIV's 
time,  who  in  the  flattery  of  the  age  he  lived  in,  pre- 
ferred being  called  a  "■  scelerat'^  an  infame  scelerat, 
that,  by  the  excesses  he  possessed,  the  vicious  habits 
of  the  sovereign  might  seem  less  striking  ;  and  yet  we 
see  the  very  same  thing  under  our  own  eyes  every 
day  we  live.     But  to  return. 

As  the  evening  drew  near,  I  looked  anxiously  out 
for  the  good  father's  coming.  He  had  promised  to 
come  in  early  with  Major  Mahon,  whom  I  had  not 
seen  for  the  two  days  previous  ;  the  major  being 
deeply  engaged  in  consultations,  with  his  lawyer 
regarding  an  approaching  trial  at  the  assizes. 
Although  I  could  gather  from  his  manner,  as  well  as 
from  the  priest's,  that  something  of  moment  impended, 
yet  as  neither  of  them  more  than  alluded  to  the  circum- 
stance, I  knew  nothing  of  what  was  going  forward. 

It  was  eight  o'clock  when  Father  Tom  made  his 
appearance.  He  came  alone  ;  and  by  his  flurried 
look  and  excited  manner  I  saw  that  there  was  some- 
thing wrong. 


104  Urisb  limit  anD  Dumor 


What    is    it,   father?"   said   I.       "Where   is  the 


major 


7  " 


"  Och,  confound  him  ;  they  have  taken  him  at  last," 
said  he,  wiping  his  forehead  with  agitation. 

"  Taken  him  ?  "  said  I.     "  Why,  was  he  hiding?" 

"  Hiding — to  be  sure  he  was  hiding,  and  masquer- 
ading, and  disguising  himself ;  but  faith,  those  Clare 
fellows,  there's  no  coming  up  to  them ;  they  have 
such  practice  in  their  own  county,  they  would  take 
the  devil  himself,  if  there  was  a  writ  out  against  him. 
And  to  be  sure,  it  was  a  clever  trick  they  played  old 
Bob." 

Here  the  good  priest  took  such  a  fit  of  laughing, 
that  he  was  obliged  to  wipe  his  eyes. 

"  May  I  never,"  said  he,  "  if  it  wasn't  a  good  turn 
they  played  him,  after  what  he  did  himself." 

"Come,  father,  let's  hear  it." 

"  This  was  the  way  of  it.  Maybe  you  never 
remarked — of  course  you  didn't,  for  you  were  only 
up  there  a  couple  of  times— that  opposite  Bob's  lodg- 
ings there  was  a  mighty  sweet-looking  crayture,  a 
widow-woman  ;  she  was  dressed  in  very  discreet 
black,  and  had  a  sorrowful  look  about  her,  that  some- 
how or  other,  I  think,  made  her  even  more  interesting. 

"' I'd  like  to  know  that  widow,'  said  Bob;  'for 
now  that  the  fellows  have  a  warrant  against  me,  I 
could  spend  my  days  so  pleasantly  over  there,  com- 
forting and  consoling  her.' 

"'Whist,'  says  I,  'don't  you  see  that  she  is  in 
grief?  ' 

"  '  Not  so  much  in  grief,'  said  he,  '  but  she  lets 
down  two  beautiful  braids  of  her  brown  hair  under 
her  widow's  cap;  and  whenever  you  see  that.  Father 
Tom,  take  my  word  for  it,  the  game's  not  up.' 

"  I  believe  there  was  some  reason  in  what  he  said, 
for  the  last  time  I  went  up  to  see  him,  he  had  the 
window  open,  and  he  was  playing  '  Planxty  Kelly ' 
with  all  his  might  on  an  old  fiddle ;  and  the 
widow  would  come  now  and  then  to  the  window,  to 
draw  the  little  muslin  curtain,  or  she  would  open  it 
to  give  a  halfpenny  to  the  beggars,  or  she  would  hold 
out  her  hand  to  see  if  it  was  raining,  and  a  beautiful 


Urisb  mix  anD  Ibumor  105 

lily  white  hand  it  was  ;  but  all  the  time  it  was  only 
exchanging  looks  they  were.  Bob  was  a  little  ashamed 
when  he  saw  me  in  the  room,  but  he  soon  recovered. 

"  'A  very  charming  woman  that  Mrs.  Moriarity  is,' 
said  he,  closing  the  window.  '  It's  a  cruel  pity  her 
fortune  is  all  in  the  Grand  Canal — I  mean  Canal 
debentures.  But,  indeed,  it  comes  pretty  much  to 
the  same  thing.' 

"  And  so  he  v/ent  on  raving  about  the  widow  ;  for 
by  this  time  he  knew  all  about  it.  Her  maiden  name 
was  Cassidy,  and  her  father  a  distiller ;  and,  in  fact. 
Bob  was  quite  delighted  with  his  beautiful  neighbor. 
At  last  I  bid  him  good-by,  promising  to  call  for  him 
at  eight  o'clock  to  come  over  here  for  you  ;  for  you 
see  there  was  a  back  door  to  the  house,  that  led  into 
a  small  alley,  by  which  Mahon  used  to  make  his 
escape  in  the  evening.  He  was  sitting,  it  seems,  at 
his  window,  looking  out  for  the  widow,  who,  for  some 
cause  or  other,  hadn't  made  her  appearance  the  entire 
of  the  day.  There  he  sat,  with  his  hand  on  his  heart, 
and  a  heavenly  smile  upon  him  for  a  good  hour,  sip- 
ping a  little  whisky  and  water  between  times  to  keep 
up  his  courage. 

"  'She  must  be  out,'  said  Bob  to  himself.  '  She's 
gone  to  pass  the  day  somewhere.  I  hope  she  doesn't 
know  any  of  those  impudent  vagabonds  up  at  the 
barracks.     Maybe,  after  all,  sick  it's  she  is.' 

"  While  he  was  tuminating  this  way,  who  should  he 
see  turn  the  corner  but  the  widow  herself.  There  she 
was  coming  along,  in  deep  weeds,  with  her  maid  after 
her,  a  fine  slashing-looking  figure,  rather  taller  than 
her,  though,  and  lustier  every  way  ;  but  it  was  the 
first  time  he  saw  her  in  the  streets.  As  she  got 
nearer  to  the  door.  Bob  stood  up  to  make  a  polite 
bow.  Just  as  he  did  so,  the  widow  slipped  her  foot, 
and  fell  down  on  the  flags  with  a  loud  scream.  The 
maid  ran  up,  endeavoring  to  assist  her,  but  she 
couldn't  stir  and  as  she  placed  her  hand  on  her  leg, 
Bob  perceived  at  once  she  had  sprained  her  ankle. 
Without  waiting  for  his  hat,  he  sprang  down  stairs, 
and  rushed  across  the  street. 

"  '  Mrs.   Moriarity,   my  angel ! '  said  Bob,  putting 


106  Urisb  Mit  anO  "Ibumor 

his  arm  round  he.'  waist.  '  Won't  you  permit  me  to 
assist  you  ?  ' 

"  She  clasped  his  hand  witli  fervent  gratitude, 
while  the  maid,  putting  her  hand  into  her  reticule, 
seemed  fumbling  for  a  handkerchief. 

"  '  I'm  a  stranger  to  you,  ma'am,'  says  Bob;  '  but 
if  Major  Mahon,  of  the  Roscommon ' 

"  '  The  very  man  we  want,'  said  the  bailiffs. 

"  '  I  am  caught  ! '   said  Bob. 

"  '  The  devil  a  doubt  of  it.' 

"  At  the  same  moment  the  window  opened  overhead 
and  the  beautiful  widow  looked  out  to  see  what  was 
the  matter. 

"  '  Good  morning  to  you,  ma'am,'  says  Bob,  'and 
I'd  like  to  pay  my  respects,  if  I  wasn't  particularly 
engaged  to  these  ladies  here.'  And  with  that  he  gave 
an  arm  to  each  of  them  and  led  them  down  the  street, 
as  if  it  was  his  mother  and  sister." 

"  The  poor  mijor,"  said  I.   "  And  where  is  he  now  ?  " 

"  On  his  way  to  Ennis  in  a  post-chaise,  for  it  seems 
the  ladies  had  a  hundred  pounds  for  their  capture. 
Ah  !  poor  Bob  !  But  there  is  no  use  fretting,  because 
it  would  be  sympathy  thrown  away,  for  he'll  give  them 
the  slip  before  long."      [7] 

Mr.  Biggar  and  the  Force  of  Habit 
A  capital  story  about  tlie  late  Mr.  Biggar  is  told  by 
a  friend  now  in  .\ustralia.  Trying  to  steal  an  hour 
from  a  much-needed  and  well-earned  rest  to  give  to 
devotion,  he,  despite  himself,  fell  asleep  while  attend- 
ing the  service  of  benediction  at  one  of  the  London 
Roman  Catholic  churches.  Service  was  over,  and  the 
congregation  was  departing  when  Mr.  Biggar  awoke. 
Seeing  the  benches  almost  empty  and  forgetting  where 
he  was,  he  sprang  to  his  feet  and  exclaimed,  "  Mr. 
Speaker,  I  move  that  the  house  be  counted  !  " 

A  Compliment  Both  Gracious  and  Witty 
An  English  lady  of  great  beauty  and  attraction,  who 
was  an  ardent  admirer  of  Ireland,  crowned  her 
praises  by  saying,  "  I  think  I  was  meant  for  an  Irish- 
woman." "  Cross  the  channel,  madam,"  said  Lover, 
who  was  present,  "  and  millions  will  say  you  were 
meant  for  an  Irishwaw." 


Urisb  limit  auD  Ibumor  107 

William  Carleton  and  Hs  Publisher 
Mr      James    Duffv,    whose    liberality    contributed 
largely  to  create  a  national  literature  in  Ireland,  some- 
times   held   his  hand  when  it   was  too   late  to   save 
judiciously.     When  he  issued  an  illustrated  edition  of 
"  Valentine  McClutchy,"  Carleton  was  of  opinion  that 
it  was  not  duly  advertised  or  distributed  for  review, 
and    remonstrated    without    result.       I    walked    into 
Duffy's  back  shop  one  day  about  the  time  the  second 
number  appeared,  and  found  the  publisher  and  the 
editor  in  high  controversy  on  the  subject.     Carleton 
on  seeing  me,  took  up  a  copy,  and  looking  at  me  with 
a  face  mantling  with   suppressed  fun,  muttered,  in  a 
low  stage  whisper,  "  This,  my  friend,  is  an  illustrated 
edition   of  'Valentine  McClutchy'  that's  coming  out 
just   now ;    but   don't   mention  it  to    anyone  ;    James 
Duffy  does  not  wish  it  to  be  known."      [lo] 

A  Willing  but  Blundering  Servant 

I  .Shaving  Water 
The  following  stories  are  examples  of  the  impossi- 
bility of  taking  the  will  for  the  deed  : 

One  morning,  Andy  came  to  his  master  s  room  with 
hot  water.     He  tapped  at  the  door. 

"  Who's  that?"  said  the  squire,  who  had  just  risen, 
and  did  not  know  but  it  might  be  one  of  the  women 
servants. 

"  It's  me,  sir." 

"  Oh— And V  !     Come  in." 

"  Here's  the  hot  water,  sir,"  said  Andy,  bearing  an 
enormous  tin  can. 

-Why,  what  the  d 1  brings  that   enormous  tin 

can    here?      You    might    as    well    bring    the    stable 

bucket  " 

"I  beg  vour  pardon,  sir,"  said  Andy,  retreating. 
In  two  minutes  more  Andy  came  back,  and,  tapping 
at  the  door,  put  in  his  head  cautiously,  and  said,  1  he 
maids  in  the  kitchen,  your  honor,  says  there's  not  so 
much  hot  water  ready."  ,  u     jt>> 

"Did  I  not  see  it  a  moment  since  in  your  hand  ;■ 


108  Irieb  Mit  anO  Ibumoc 

"  Yes,  sir,  but  that's  not  nigh  the  full  o'  the  stable 
bucket." 

"  Go  along,  you  stupid  thief!  and  get  me  some  hot 
water  directly." 

"  Will  the  can  do,  sir  ?  " 

"Ay,  anything,  so  you  make  haste." 

Off  posted  Andy,  and  back  he  came  with  the  can. 

"  Where' 11  I  put  it,  sir  ?  " 

"  Throw  this  out,"  said  the  squire,  handing  Andy  a 
jug  containing  cold  water,  meaning  the  jug  to  be 
replenished  with  the  hot. 

Andy  took  the  jug  and,  the  window  being  open,  he 
very  deliberately  threw  the  jug  out.  The  squire 
stared  with  wonder,  and  at  last  said  : 

"  What  did  you  do  that  for  ?  " 

"  Sure,  you  towld  me  to  throw  it  out,  sir." 

"  Get  out  of  this,  you  thick-headed  villain  !  "  said 
the  squire,  throwing  his  boots  at  Andy's  head,  along 
with  some  very  neat  curses.  Andy  retreated  and 
thought  himself  a  very  ill-used  person.      [5] 

2 . — Soda-  Water 

When  soda-water  was  first  introduced  into  Ireland 
as  a  dinner  beverage,  as  the  buttler  was  very  busy, 
Andy  had  the  luck  to  be  the  person  to  whom  a  gentle- 
man applied  for  it. 

"  Sir?  "  said  Andy. 

"  Soda-water,"  said  the  guest,  in  the  subdued  tone 
in  which  people  are  apt  to  name  their  wants  at  a 
dinner-table. 

Andy  went  to  the  butler — "  Mr.  Morgan,  there's  a 
gentleman " 

"  Let  me  alone,  will  you  ?  "  said  Mr.  Morgan.  Andy 
manoeuvred  round  him  a  little  longer,  and  again 
essayed  to  be  heard. 

"Don't  you  see  I'm  as  busy  as  I  can  be?  Can't 
you  do  it  yourself?  " 

"  I  dinna  what  he  wants." 

"  Well,  go  and  ax  him,"  said  Mr.  Morgan. 

Andy  went  ofif  as  he  was  bidden,  and  came  behind 
the  thirsty  gentleman's  chair,  with,  "  I  beg  your 
pardon,  sir." 


Urisb  Wit  anD  Ibumoc  109 

"Well  !  "  said  the  gentleman. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir  ;  but  what's  this  you  axed 
me  for?" 

"  Soda-water." 
"What,  sir?" 

"Soda-water;  but,  perhaps  you  have  not  any." 
"  Oh,  there's  plenty  in  the  house,  sir  !     Would  you 
like  it  hot?" 

The  gentleman  laughed,  and  supposing  the  new 
fashion  was  not  understood  in  the  present  company 
said,  "  Never  mind." 

But  Andy  was  too  anxious  to  please  to  be  satisfied, 
and  again  applied  to  Mr.  Morgan. 
"  Sir,"  said  he. 

"  Bad  luck  to  you  !— can't  you  let  me  alone?" 
"  There's    a    gentleman    wants     some    soap    and 
wather." 

"  Some  what?  " 
"  Soap  and  wather,  sir." 

"  Devil  sweep  you  !— soda-water  you  mane;  you'll 
get  it  under  the  sideboard." 
"  Is  it  in  the  can,  sir?" 

"  The  curse  o'  Crum'll  on  you  !  in  the  bottles." 
"  Is  this  it,   sir?"  said  Andy,   producing   a   bottle 
of  ale. 

"  No,  bad  cess  to  you  !  the  little  bottles." 
"  Is  it  the  little  bottles  with  no  bottoms,  sir  ?  " 
"  I  wish  you  wor  in  the  bottom  o'  the  say  !  "  said 
Mr.  Morgan,  who  was  fuming  and  puffing,  and  rubbing 
down  his  face  with  a  napkin,  as  he  was  hurrying  to 
all  quarters  of  the  room,  or,  as  Andy  said,  in  praismg 
his  activity,  that  he  was  "  like  bad  luck— everywhere." 
"  There  they  are,"  said  Mr.  ISIorgan,  at  last. 
"Oh,  them  bottles  that  won't  stand,"  said  Andy; 
"  sure,  them's  what  I  said,  with  no  bottoms  to  them. 
How'll  I  open  it?— it's  tied  down." 
"  Cut  the  cords,  you  fool  !  " 

Andy  did  as  he  was  desired  ;  and  he  happened  at 
that  time  to  hold  the  bottle  of  soda-water  on  the  level 
with  the  candles  that  shed  light  over  the  festive  board 
from  a  large  silver  branch,  and  the  moment  he  made 
the  incision,  bang  went  the  bottle  of  soda    knocking 


no  Urisb  mit  anD  Ibumot 

out  two  of  the  lights  with  the  projected  cork,  which 
performing  its  parabola  the  length  of  the  room,  struck 
the  squire  himself  in  the  eye  at  the  foot  of  the  table, 
while  the  hostess  at  the  head  had  a  cold  bath  down 
her  back.  Andy,  when  he  saw  the  soda-water  jump- 
ing out  of  the  bottle,  held  it  from  him  at  arm's  length  ; 
every  fiz  it  made,  exclaiming,  "  Ow  ! — ow  ! — ow  i  "  and 
at  last  when  the  bottle  was  empty,  he  roared  out, 
"  Oh,  Lord  !  it's  all  gone  !  "    [5] 

3 . — Champagne 

Andy's  master  having  given  him  the  necessary 
directions  for  icing  the  champagne  for  dinner  left  him. 
Andy  then  commenced  operations  according  to  orders. 
"  Well,  this  is  the  quarest  thing  I  ever  heerd  of,"  sai(f 
he.  "  Musha  !  what  outlandish  inventions  the  quolity 
has  among  them  !  They  are  not  contint  with  wine, 
but  they  must  have  ice  along  with  it — and  in  a  tub, 
too  !— just  like  the  pigs  !— truth  it's  a  dirty  thrick,  I 
think.  Well,  here  goes  !  "  said  he,  as  he  opened  a 
bottle  of  champagne,  and  poured  it  into  the  tub  with 
the  ice.  "  How  it  fizzes  !  Faix,  it's  almost  as  lively 
as  the  soda-wather  that  bothered  me  long  ago.  Well, 
I  know  more  about  things  now  ;  sure,  it's  wonderful 
how  a  man  improves  with  practice  !  " — and  another 
bottle  of  champagne  was  emptied  into  the  tub  as  he 
spoke.  Thus  with  several  other  complacent  remarks 
about  his  own  proficiency,  Andy  poured  half  a  dozen 
of  champagne  into  the  tub  of  ice,  and  remarked  when 
he  had  finished  his  work,  that  he  thought  it  would  be 
"  mighty  cowld  on  their  stomachs." 

Soon  after  dinner  was  announced  his  master  called 
for  the  champagne. 

Andy  began  to  drag  the  tub  towards  the  table,  and 
Dick,  impatient  of  delay,  again  called  "champagne." 

"  I'm  bringin'  it  to  you,  sir,"  said  Andy,  tugging  at 
the  tub. 

"  Hand  it  round  the  table,"  said  Dick. 

Andy  tried  to  lift  the  tub,  to  hand  it  round  the 
table  ;  but  finding  he  could  not  manage  it,  he  whis- 
pered to  Dick,  "  I  can't  get  it  up,  sir." 

Dick,  fancying  Andy  meant  he  had  got  a  flask  not 


tdeb  Mit  anD  Tbumor  ill 

in  a  sufficient  state  of  effervescence  to  expel  its  own 
cork,  whispered  in  return,  "  Draw  it,  then." 

"  I  was  dhrawin'  it  to  you,  sir,  when  you  stopped 
me." 

"Well,  make  haste  with  it,"  said  Dick. 

"Mister  Dawson,  I'll  trouble  you  for  a  small  slice 
of  the  turkey,"  said  the  colonel. 

"  With  pleasure,  colonel,  but  first  do  me  the  honor 
to  take  champagne.     Andy — champagne  !  " 

"  Here  it  is,  sir!  "  said  Andy,  who  had  drawn  the 
tub  close  to  Dick's  chair. 

"Where's  the  wine,  sir?"  said  Dick,  looking  first 
at  the  tub  and  then  at  Andy. 

"There,  sir, ".said  Andy,  pointing  down  to  the  ice, 
"  I  put  the  wine  into  it,  as  you  towld  me." 

Dick  looked  again  at  the  tub,  and  said  "  There's 
not  a  single  bottle  there — what  do  you  mean,  you 
stupid  rascal  ?  " 

"  To  be  sure,  there's  no  bottle  there,  sir.  The  bot- 
tles is  all  on  the  sideboard,  but  every  dhrop  o'  the 
wine  is  in  the  ice,  as  you  told  me,  sir  ;  if  you  put  your 
hand  down  into  it,  you'll  feel  it,  sir."      [5] 

4. — Law  and  Physic 

Squires  Egan  and  O' Grady  had  always  been 
friendly  until  the  former  heard  that  the  latter  had 
insulted  him.  Squire  Egan  only  awaited  the  arrival 
of  his  attorney,  Murtough  Murphy,  of  Dublin,  to  exe- 
cute his  vengeance.  On  his  arrival,  Squire  Egan 
opened  to  him  his  intention  of  commencing  hostile  law 
proceedings  against  O' Grady,  who  was  heavily  in  his 
debt.  The  attorney,  although  willing  to  obey  his 
client,  was  not  enthusiastic,  and  pointed  out  that 
O' Grady  was  too  clever  at  evading  the  process-server 
to  make  that  worthy's  task  either  easy  or  congenial. 
The  irate  squire  answered  : 

"  Let  me  alone  for  that  !  I'll  be  bound  I'll  find 
fellows  to  get  the  inside  of  him." 

"  Why,  his  house  is  barricaded  like  a  jail,  and  he 
I'.as  dogs  enough  to  bait  all  the  bulls  in  the  country." 

"  No  matter,  just  send  me  the  ?5lister  for  him,  and 
I'll  engage  I'll  stick  it  on  him." 


112  Urisb  Wit  anD  tbumot 

"  Very  welf,  squire,  you  shall  have  the  blister  as 
soon  as  it  can  be  got  ready.  I'll  tell  you  when  you 
may  send  over  to  me  for  it,  and  your  messenger  shall 
have  it  hot  and  warm  for  him.     Good-bye,  squire." 

Andy  was  sent  over  to  Murtough  Murphy's  for  the 
law-process  at  the  appointed  time ;  and  as  he  had  to 
pass  through  the  village,  Mrs.  Egan  desired  him  to 
call  at  the  apothecary's  for  some  medicine  that  was 
prescribed  for  one  of  the  children. 

"  What' 11  I  ax  for,  ma'am  ?  " 

"  I'd  be  sorry  to  trust  you,  Andy,  for  remembering. 
Here's  the  prescription — take  care  of  it,  and  Mr. 
M'Garry  will  give  you  something  to  bring  back  ;  and 
mind,  if  it's  a  powder " 

"  Is  is  gunpowder,  ma'am  ?  " 

"No — you  stupid — will  you  listen?  I  say,  if  it's  a 
powder,  don't  let  it  get  wet  as  you  did  the  sugar  the 
other  day. ' ' 

"  No,  ma'am." 

"And  if  it's  a  bottle  don't  break  it,  as  you  did  the 
last." 

"  No,  ma'am." 

"And  make  haste." 

"  Yis,  ma'am  "  ,  and  off  went  Andy 

In  going  through  the  village,  he  forgot  to  leave  the 
prescription  at  the  apothecary's  and  pushed  on  for  the 
attorney's;  there  he  saw  Murtough  Murphy,  who 
handed  him  the  law-process,  inclosed  in  a  cover,  with 
a  note  to  the  squire. 

"  Have  you  been  doing  anything  clever  lately, 
Andy  ?"  said  Murtough. 

"  I  don't  know,  sir,"  said  Andy. 

"  Did  you  shoot  anyone  with  soda-water  smce  I 
saw  you  last?  " 

Andy  grinned. 

"  Did  you  kill  any  more  dogs  lately,  Andy  ?  " 

"  Faix,  you're  too  hard  on  me,  sir  ,  sure  I  never 
killed  but  one  dog,  and  that  was  an  accident " 

"An  accident! — curse  your  mijiudence,  you  thief! 
Do  you  think,  if  you  killed  one  o'  the  pack  on  p'lr- 
pose,  we  wouldn't  cut  the  very  heart  out  of  you  with 
our  hunting  whips  ?  " 


Hrfsb  limit  anD  Ibumor  113 

"  Faith,  I  wouldn't  doubt  you,  sir ;  but,  sure,  how 
could  I  help  that  divil  of  a  mare  runnin'  away  wid  me, 
and  thramplin'  the  dog  ?  " 

"Why  didn't  you  hold  her,  you  thief?" 

"  Hould  her,  indeed ! — you  just  might  as  well 
expect  to  stop  fire  among  flax  as  that  one." 

"Well,  be  off  with  a'ou  now,  Andy,  and  take  care 
of  what  I  give  you  for  the  squire." 

"  Oh,  never  fear,  sir,"  said  Andy,  as  he  turned  his 
horse's  head  homewards.  He  stopped  at  the  apothe- 
cary's in  the  village,  to  execute  his  commission  for 
the  "  misthis."  On  telling  the  son  of  Galen  that  he 
wanted  some  physic  "  for  one  o'  the  childre  up  at  the 
big  house"  the  dispenser  of  the  healing  art  asked 
what  physic  is  wanted. 

"  Faith,  I  dunna  what  physic." 

"  What's  the  matter  with  the  child  ?   • 

"  He's  sick,  sir." 

"  I  suppose  so,  indeeed,  or  )'ou  wouldn't  be  sent 
for  medicine;  you're  always  making  some  blunder. 
You  come  here,  and  don't  know  what  description  of 
medicine  is  wanted  " 

**  Don't  I  ?  "  said  Andy  with  a  great  air. 

"  No,  you  don't,  you  omadhaun  !  "'  said  the  apothe- 
cary. 

Andy  fumbled  in  his  pockets,  and  could  not  lay  hold 
of  the  paper  his  mistress  entrusted  him  with,  until 
he  had  emptied  them  thoroughly  of  their  contents 
upon  the  counter  of  the  shop  ;  and  then,  taking  the 
prescription  from  the  collection,  he  said,  "  So  you  tell 
me  I  don't  know  the  description  of  the  physic  I'm  to 
get.  Now,  you  see,  you're  out ;  for  thaf  s  the  descrip- 
tion .-"'  and  he  slapped  the  counter  mipressively  with 
his  hand  as  he  threw  down  the  recipe  before  the 
apothecary. 

While  the  medicine  was  in  course  of  preparation 
for  Andy,  he  commenced  restoring  to  his  pockets  the 
various  parcels  he  had  taken  from  them  in  hunting 
for  the  recipe.  Now,  it  happened  that  he  had  laid 
them  down  close  beside  some  articles  that  were  com- 
pounded, and  sealed  up  for  going  out,  on  the  apothe- 
cary's counter;  and  as  the  law-process  which  Andy 

8 


114  "ffrisd  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

had  received  from  Murtough  Murphy  chanced  to 
resemble  another  enclosure  that  lay  beside  it,  con- 
taining a  blister,  Andy,  under  the  influence  of  his 
peculiar  genius,  popped  the  blister  into  his  pocket, 
instead  of  the  package  which  had  been  confided  to 
him  by  the  attorney,  and  having  obtained  the  neces- 
sary medicine  from  M'Garry,  rode  home  with  great 
self  complacency  that  he  had  not  forgot  to  do  a  single 
thing  that  had  been  entrusted  to  him.  "  I'm  all  right 
this  time,"  said  Andy  to  himself. 

Scarcely  had  he  left  the  apothecary's  when  another 
messenger  alighted  at  his  door,  and  asked  "  If 
Squire  O' Grady's  things  was  ready  ?  ^ ' 

"  There  they  are,"  said  the  innocent  M'Garry,  point- 
ing to  the  bottles,  boxes,  and  blister,  he  had  made  up 
and  set  aside,  little  dreaming  that  the  blister  had  been 
exchanged  for  a  law  process  ;  and  Squire  O' Grady's 
own  messenger  popped  into  his  pocket  the  legal 
instrument  that  it  was  as  much  as  any  seven  men's 
lives  were  worth  to  bring  within  gunshot  of  O' Grady's 
residence. 

The  result  of  this  curious  mistake  was  that  O' Grady 
was  served  with  the  process  most  easily,  by  his  own 
nurse,  whom  he  threatened  to  kill,  as  an  accomplice 
of  Egan's;  and  Egan  fought  a  duel  with  his  attorney, 
whom  he  suspected  of  trifling  with  him,  because  he 
had  sent  him,  separate  from  the  process,  a  note  in 
which  he  had  said  :  "  Dear  Squire — I  send  you  the 
*  blister,^  as  you  insist  upon  it,"  etc. — little  dreaming 
that  Andy's  genius  would  supply  a  literal  accompani< 
ment  and  explanation  to  his  note.      [5] 

Earl  Desmond's  Answer 

There  is  a  story  in  mediaeval  history  (of  which 
Maclise  has  made  a  striking  picture)  that  when  an 
Earl  of  Desmond  fell  wounded  into  the  hands  of  his 
hereditary  enemies  (the  Butlers  of  Ormond),  his  cap- 
tors, as  they  carried  him  on  their  shoulders  from  the 
battlefield,  demanded  triumphantly,  "Where's  Des- 
mond now?"  and  the  stout  old  earl  replied  that  he 
was  where  a  Desmond  ought  to  be— on  the  neck  of 
the  Butler.     [10] 


ITrisb  "Mit  an&  Ibumor  lis 

Dying,  in  Order  to  Escape  Justice 

Early  in  the  nineteenth  century,  on  the  announce- 
ment of  a  dissolution  of  Parliament,  its  interest  in 
certain  Dublin  circles  was  manifestly  increased  by 
the  fact  that  a  certain  M.  P.  was  at  last  open  to 
arrest. 

It  was  with  pretty  much  the  same  feeling  as  a 
storming  party  experiences  on  the  day  that  a  breach 
is  reported  as  practicable,  that  the  honest  attorneys 
retained  in  the  various  suits  against  him  rallied 
round  each  other  that  morning  in  the  Four  Courts. 
Bonds,  mortgages,  post-obits,  promissory  notes — in 
fact,  every  imaginable  species  of  invention  for  raising 
his  exchequer  for  the  past  thirty  years  were  handed 
about  on  all  sides.  But  as  the  whole  family  estate 
was  not  equal  to  paying  a  quarter  of  his  debts,  the 
only  question  was — who  was  to  be  lucky  enough  to 
carve  the  joint,  when  so  many  were  hungry  and 
likely  to  remain  so.  It  was,  therefore,  a  matter  of  the 
first  importance  among  the  attorneys  who  should  be 
the  first  to  pounce  on  the  victim,  and  every  feasible 
expedient  for  securing  him  was  resorted  to.  Writs 
were  struck  against  him  in  Dublin,  emissaries  were  dis- 
patched to  the  various  surrounding  counties,  to  pro- 
cure other  writs,  in  the  event  of  his  escape.  A^e 
exeats  were  sworn,  and  water  bailiffs  engaged  to  fol- 
low him  on  the  high  seas,  and  so  impossible  did  escape 
seem  that  bets  were  freely  made  that  the  late  M.  P. 
would  be  in  Newgate  within  twenty-four  hours. 

Meanwhile  the  M.  P.  and  his  friends  were  planning 
to  outwit  the  men  of  law,  and  to  re-contest  and 
re-occupy  the  seat.  After  much  cogitation  it  was 
arranged  that  the  man  who  was  so  much  wanted  was 
io  die,  but  that  he  was  to  rise  again  on  the  polling 
day.  The  following  letter  was  written  to  his  nephew 
and  heir,  and  discloses  the  plan,  which  proved  suc- 
cessful : 

"  Dear  Charlie  :  Your  uncle  Godfrey,  whose 
debts  (God  pardon  him)  are  more  numerous  than  the 
hairs  of  his  wig,  was  obliged  to  die  here  last  night. 
We  did  the  thing  for  him  completely  ;  and  all  doubts 
of  the  reality  of  the  event  are  silenced  by  the  circum- 


116  Urisb  "Oatt  and  Ibumoc 

stantiql  details  of  the  newspaper  '  that  he  was  confined 
six  weeks  to  his  bed,  from  a  cold  he  caught  ten  days 
ago  while  on  guard.'  Repeat  this,  for  it  is  better  that 
we  had  all  the  same  story  till  he  come  to  life  again, 
which,  maybe,  will  not  take  place  till  Tuesday  or 
Wednesday.  At  the  same  time  canvass  the  county  for 
him,  and  say  he'll  be  with  his  friends  next  week,  and 
up  in  Woodford  and  the  Scariff  barony  ;  say  he  died 
a  true  Catholic  ;  it  will  serve  him  on  the  hustings. 
Meet  us  in  Athlone  on  Saturday,  and  bring  your 
uncle's  mare  with  you — he  would  rather  ride  home ; 
and  tell  Father  IMacShane  to  have  a  bit  of  dinner 
ready  about  4  o'clock,  for  the  corpse  will  have  nothing 
after  he  leaves  Mountmellick.  No  more  now,  from 
yours,  ever,  Harry  Boyle." 

The  success  of  the  exploit  was  two-fold  ;  the  news 
spread  far  and  wide,  and  the  very  story  canvassed 
the  county  better  than  the  best  election  agent  could 
have  done,  and  secured  more  votes  than  the  most  elo- 
quent speeches,      [i] 

Saying  Rather  More  than  He  Meant 
At  a  meeting  of  the   Irish  Zoological  Society  some 
years  ago,  when  a  subscription   among  the  members 

was    on    foot.    Dr. suggested    that    Archbishop 

Whately's  name  ought  to  be  put  down  for  at  least  ^50. 
"  He  has  not  got  it,"  interposed  Sir  Philip  Crampton  ; 
"  no  one  knows  him  better  than  I  do  ;  he  gives  away 
every  farthing  of  his  income  ;  and  so  privately  is  it 
bestowed  that  the  i-ecipients  themselves  are  the  only 
witnesses  of  his  bounty." 

The  "  Christian"  Pipe 

An  Irish  peasant  passing  the  hut  of  a  widow  and 
her  niece  calls  in  to  get  a  light  for  his  pipe,  which  he 
said  went  out  with  fright. 

"  W'ell,  I've  heerd  of  quare  things,  Larry  Hogan," 
said  Oonah,  laughing  and  showing  her  white  teeth  ; 
"  but  I  never  heerd  so  quare  a  thing  as  a  pipe  goin' 
out  with  fright." 

"Oh,  how  sharp  you  are!  takin'  one  up  afore 
they're  down." 

"  Not  afore  they're  down,  Larry  ;    for  you  said  it." 


Ici6b  limit  anD  Ibumoc  117 

"  Well,  if  I  was  down,  you  were  down  on  me ;  so 
you  are  down,  too,  you  see.  Ha,  ha  !  and  afther  all 
now,  Oonah,  a  pipe  is  like  a  Christian  in  many  ways  ; 
sure,  it's  made  o'  clay  like  a  Christian,  and  has  the 
spark  o'  life  in  it,  and  while  the  breath  is  in  it  the 
spark  is  alive ;  but  when  the  breath  is  out  of  it  the 
spark  dies,  and  then  it  grows  cowld  like  a  Christian  ; 
and  isn't  it  a  pleasant  companion  like  a  Christian?  " 

"  Faix,  some  Christians  isn't  pleasant  companions 
at  all,"  chimed  in  Mrs.  Rooney  sententiously. 

"  Well,  but  they  ought  to  be,"  said  Larry;  "and 
isn't  a  pipe  sometimes  cracked  like  a  Christian,  and 
isn't  it  sometimes  choked  like  a  Christian  ?  " 

"  Oh,  choke  you  and  your  pipe,  together,  Larry  ! 
will  you  never  have  done  !  "   said  the  widow. 

"  The    most    improvinist    thing    in    the    world    is 
smokin',"  said  Larry,  who  had  now  relit  his  pipe  and 
squatted  himself   on   a  three-legged  stool  beside  the 
widow's   fire.      "  The  most    improvinist  thing  in  the 
world"  —  (paugh!)  —  and    a    parenthetical    whiff    of 
tobacco  smoke  curled  out   of  the   corner  of  Larry's 
mouth — "  is  smokin'  ;   for  the  smoke  shows  you  as  it 
were  the  lifeof  a  manpassingawaylikea  puff — (paugh  !) 
— just  like  that ;  and  the  tibakky  turns  to   ashes  like 
his  poor  perishable  body  ;  for,  as  the  song  says  : 
"  '  Tibakky  is  an  Indian  weed. 
Alive  at  morn  and  dead  at  eve  ; 
It  lives  but  an  hour. 
Is  cut  down  like  a  flower, — 
Think  o'  this  when  you're  smokin'  tiba-akky. 
"  '  A  pipe  it  larns  us  all  this  thing — 
'Tis  fair  without  and  foul  within. 
Just  like  a  sowl  begrim'd  with  sin — 
Think  o'  this  when  you're  smokin'  tiba-akky.' 

The  Influence  of  Beauty 
A  lawyer  and  his  client  were  talking  together  one 
evening  when  the  door  was  opened  by  a  great  hulk- 
ing fellow,  with  bristling  hair,  staring  eyes,  high 
cheek-bones,  snub  nose,  and  a  great  mouth  with  a 
voice  to  match,  who  enacted  the  part  of  waiter  ;  and 
the  aforesaid,  protruding  his  head,  and  nothing  more 


il8  irisb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

into  the  room,  said  as  loudly  and  as  rapidly,  and  with 
as  great  brogue  as  it  could  be  said,  "  If  you  plaze, 
sir '^ 

"  What  do  you  want,  sir." 

"  If  you  plaze.  sir,  there's  wan  a  wantin'  you." 

"Who  is  it?" 

"  Three  women,  sir." 

"  And  are  three  women  one  ?  "  said  the  lawyer, 
smiling. 

"  Only  wan  a.v'd  for  you,  sir,"  answered  the  waiter, 
grinning,  ready  with  his  answer. 

"  And  couldn't  you  say  so  ?  " 

"  By  dad,  sir,  it  was  the  owld  one  o'  the  three  ax'd 
for  you  ;  and  th'  other  two  is  mighty  pretty,  and  so  I 
thought  they  would  be  a  great  help  ;  and  that's  the 
rayson." 

Witty  Even  Though  Drunk  ! 
Bushe,  the  Irish  Solicitor-General,  although  attached 
to  the  Tory  party,  was  supposed  to  entertain  too  lib- 
eral opinions  on  the  Roman  Catholic  question. 
Dining  one  day  with  the  Duke  of  Richmond,  he  did 
not  seem  ready  to  respond  to  the  charter  toast. 
"Come,  come,"  vociferated  his  grace,  "do  justice, 
Mr.  Solicitor,  to  the  immortal  memory."  He  did  it 
such  ample  and  such  repeated  justice,  that  at  last  he 
tumbled  from  his  chair.  The  duke  immediately 
raised  him.  "  Well  "  hiccupped  Bushe,  "  that  is 
indeed   retribution.     Attached  to  the  Catholics,  you 

may  think  me  to  be ;  but  at  all  events,  I  nevei 

assisted  at  the  elevation  of  the  Host:' 

Truth  in  Parenthesis 
I  love — oh  !  more  than  words  can  tell  ; 

(Your  ninety  thousand  golden  shiners)  ; 
You  draw  me  by  a  nameless  spell  ; 

(As  California  draws  the  miners)  ; 
You  are  so  rich  in  beauty's  dower 

(And  rich  in  several  ways  beside  it), 
Had  I  your  hand  within  my  power 

(Across  a  banker's  draft  to  guide  it), 
No  cares  my  future  life  could  dim. 

(My  tailor,  too— what  joy  to  him  !) 


Hrlsb  Tidft  anO  Ibumor  119 

Oh  !  should  3'ou  change  your  name  for  mine 

(I've  given  my  name — on  bills — to  twenty), 
Existence  were  a  dream  divine  ; 

(At  least  so  long  as  cash  was  plenty)  ; 
Our  home  should  be  a  sylvan  grot 

(Bath,  billiard,  smoking-room,  and  larder), 
And  there,  forgetting  and  forgot, 

(My  present  need,  I'd  live  the  harder), 
Our  days  should  pass  in  fresh  delights. 
(Lethargic  days,  but  roaring  nights). 

Oh,  sa)^  my  young,  m}^  fawn-like  girl 

(She's  old  enough  to  be  my  mother). 
Let  "  Yes  "  o'erleap  those  gates  of  pearl ; 

(My  laughter  it  is  hard  to  smother); 
Let  lips  that  Love  had  formed  for  joy 

(For  joy  if  they  her  purse  resign  me) 
Long  hesitate  ere  they  destroy  • 

(And  to  a  debtor's  jail  consign  me.) 
The  heart  that  beats  but  to  adore. 
(Yourself  the  less,  your  fortune  more.) 

Consent — consent,  my  priceless  love, 

(Her  price  precise  is  ninety  thousand), 
I  swear  by  all  around,  above, 

(Her  purse-strings  now,  I  feel  are  loosened), 
I  have  not  loved  you  for  your  wealth. 

(Nor  loved  at  all,  as  I'm  a  sinner)  ; 
Oh,  bliss  !  you  yield  !  one  kiss  by  stealth  ! 

(I'm  sick — that  kiss  has  spoiled  my  dinner). 
Now  early  name  the  blissful  day. 
(My  duns  grow  clamorous  for  their  pay).     [12] 

A  Clever  Witness 

Larry  Finnegan,  a  witness  in  the  trial  of  Rory 
O'More  on  a  false  charge  of  murder,  who  had  been 
examined  and  cross-examined,  and  then  attempted  to 
descend  from  the  table,  was  interrupted  by  the 
counsel  for  the  prosecution  ;  and  the  look  of  despair 
on  the  countenance  of  mine  host  of  the  "  Black  Bull  " 
(Larry)  was  ludicrous. 

"  Is  is  moi-e  you  want  o'  me  !  "  said  he. 

Counsel:  "  A  few  questions.     Sit  down." 


120  irisb  TDGlit  anD  fbumor 

Larry  scratched  his  head,  and  squeezed  his  hat  a 
little  harder  than  he  did  before,  and  resumed  his  seat 
in  bitterness  of  spirit  ;  but  his  answers  having  all 
gone  smooth,  he  felt  more  self-possessed  than  he  had 
done  under  his  previous  examination  by  the  prosecu- 
ting counsel,  and  his  native  shrewdness  was  less 
under  the  control  of  the  novel  situation  in  which  he 
was  placed. 

The  bullying  barrister,  as  soon  as  the  witness  was 
seated,  began  in  a  thundering  tone  thus  : 

Counsel :  "  Now,  my  fine  fellow,  you  say  that  it 
was  for  the  particular  purpose  of  asking  for  his  crow- 
bar that  the  prisoner  went  to  your  house  ?  " 

Witness  /  "  I  do." 

Counsel:  "  By  virtue  of  your  oath  !  " 

Witness :  "  By  the  varth  o'  my  oath." 

Counsel  {slapping-  the  table  fiercely  with  his  hand)  : 
"  Now,  sir,  how  do  you  know  he  came  for  that 
purpose?     Answer  me  that,  sir." 

Witness:  "Faith,  thin,  I'll  tell  you.  When  he 
came  into  the  place  that  morning,  it  was  the  first 
thing  he  ax'd  for  ;  and  by  the  same  token,  the  way  I 
remember  it  is,  that  when  he  ax'd  for  the  crow-bar 
he  lint  me,  some  one  stan'in'  by  ax'd  what  I  could 
want  with  a  crow-bar;  and  Rory  O'More  with  that 
said,  it  wasn't  me  at  all,  but  the  misthress  wanted  it 
(Mrs.  Finnegan,  I  mane).  'And  what  would  Mrs. 
Finnegan  want  wad  it?'  says  the  man.  '  Why,'  says 
Rory,  '  she  makes  the  punch  so  sthrong  that  she  bent 
the  spoons  sthrivin'  to  stir  it,  and  so  she  borrowed 
the  crow-bar  to  mix  the  punch.'  " 

A  laugh  followed  this  answer,  and  even  Rory  could 
not  help  smiling  at  his  own  joke  thus  retailed  ;  but 
his  mother,  and  Mary  (his  sister),  and  Kathleen  (his 
sweetheart),  looked  round  the  court,  and  turned  their 
pale  faces  in  wonder  on  those  who  could  laugh  while 
the  life  of  him  they  adored  was  at  stake,  and  the 
sound  of  mirth  at  such  a  moment  fell  more  gratingly 
on  their  ears  than  the  fierce  manner  of  the  bullying 
prosecutor. 

But  the  witness  was  encouraged,  for  he  saw  his 
examiner  annoyed,   and   he   took   a   hint    from   the 


Urisb  mn  anD  Ibumor  121 

result,  and  lay  in  wait  for  another  opportunity  of 
turning  the  laugh  against  his  tormentor.  He  was  not 
long  in  getting  such  an  opening ;  and  the  more  he 
was  examined  in  hope  of  shaking  his  testimony,  the 
less  the  prosecutor  gained  by  it. 

At  length  the  counsel  received  a  whisper  from 
Sweeny  (the  prosecuting  attorney),  that  the  fellow 
was  drunk. 

"  He  has  his  wits  most  d — nably  about  him  for  all 
that,"  said  the  lawyer. 

"  He  has  been  drinking  all  the  morning — I  can 
prove  it,"  said  Sweeny;  "and  you  may  upset  his 
testimony,  if  you  like,  on  that  score." 

"  I'll  have  a  touch  at  him,  then,"  said  the  lawyer. 

When  the  jury  perceived  the  same  witness  still 
kept  on  the  table,  and  a  re-examination  for  the  prose- 
cution entered  upon,  they  became  wearied,  and 
indeed  no  wonder ;  for  the  silk-gowned  gentleman 
became  excessively  dull ;  and,  had  he  possessed  any 
tact,  must  have  perceived  from  the  demeanor  of  the 
jury  that  his  present  course  of  proceeding  was  ill- 
timed  ;  yet  he  continued,  and  in  violation  of  all  custom 
sought  to  invalidate  the  testimony  of  the  man  he 
himself  had  called  as  a  witness  ;  but  Larry's  cross- 
examination  having  favored  the  prisoner,  the  crown 
counsel  became  incensed,  and  abandoned  all  ceremony 
and  discretion,  which  at  length  was  noticed  by  the 
Bench. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  my  lord,  but  I  am  anxious  to 
sifi  this  witness." 

"  By  gor  !  "  said  Finnegan,  "  if  you  were  to  sift  me 
from  this  till  tomorrow,  the  devil  a  grain  more  you'll 
get  out  o'  me  ! — and,  indeed,  you've  been  gettin  nothin' 
but  chaff  for  the  last  half-hour." 

The  answer  had  so  much  truth  in  it,  that  the  counsel 
became  doubly  annoyed  at  the  suppressed  laugh  he 
heard  around  him  ;  and  then  he  determined  to  bring 
up  his  heavy  artillery  and  knock  Larry  to  atoms. 

Counsel:  "Now,  sir,  I've  just  a  question  or  two 
that  you'll  answer  by  virtue  of  your  oath." 

The  Bench:  "  Really,  Mr. " 

Counsel:  "  I  beg  your  lordship's  pardon— but  it  is 


122  Hdab  limit  atiD  Ibumor 

absolutely  important.  Now,  by  virtue  of  your  oath, 
haven't  you  been  drinking  this  morning?  " 

Wilness :  "  To  be  sure  I  have." 

Counsel :   "  How  much  did  you  drink  ?  " 

Witness:  "Faith,  I  don't  know;  I  never  troubled 
myself  keepin'  'count,  barrin'  I'm  sarvin'  the  cus- 
tomers at  home.'' 

Counsel:  "You  took  a  glass  of  whiskey  before 
breakfast,  of  course?  " 

Witness :  "  And  glad  to  get  it." 

Counsel:  "  And  another  after  ?  " 

Witness :  "  Av  coorse — when  it  was  to  be  had." 

Counsel:  "When  you  came  into  the  town,  you 
went  to  a  public  house,  I  hear,  and  were  drinking 
there,  too,  before  you  came  into  court?" 

Witness :  "Oh,  just  a  trifle  among  some  friends." 

Counsel :  What  do  you  call  a  trifle?" 

Witfiess :  "Four  pots  o'  porther  and  a  quart  o' 
sper'ts." 

Counsel :  "  Good  heavens  !  Gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
listen  to  this — a  gallon  of  porter  and  a  quart  of 
whiskey  !  " 

Witness :  "  Oh,  but  that  was  betune  six  iv  uz  !  " 

Counsel:  "Then,  sir,  by  your  own  account  you're 
drunk  at  this  moment?" 

Witness :  "  Not  a  bit." 

Counsel:  "On  your  oath— remember  your  oath, 
sir — do  you  think,  after  drinking  all  you  yourself  have 
owned  to,  you  are  in  a  state  to  give  evidence  in  a 
court  of  justice?  " 

Witness :  "  Faith,  I  think  a  few  glasses  only  helps 
to  brighten  a  man  ;  and  betune  ourselves,  counsellor, 
I  think  you'd  be  a  great  dale  the  better  of  a  glass 
yourself  \.\\\s  minit." 

The  laugh  which  this  rejoinder  produced  finished 
"the  counsellor,"  and  he  sat  down  without  roaring, 
as  usual,  at  the  witness,  "  Go  down,  sir."  But  Larry 
kept  his  seat  until  the  laugh  was  over ;  and  not 
receiving  the  ordinary  mandate  to  retire,  he  looked  at 
the  discomfited  barrister  with  the  most  provoking 
affection  of  humility,  and  said  :  "  Do  you  want  me 
any  more,  sir  ?  " 


Hrfsb  mtt  anD  Ibumor  123 

This  renewed  the  laugh,  and  Finnegan  retired  from 
the  table  under  the  shadow  of  his  laurels.      [4] 

Irish  "  Divarshin  " 

Those  who  remember  Ireland  not  very  long  ago, 
can  bear  witness  how  lightly  life  was  valued,  or  death 
regarded.  Illustrative  of  this,  one  may  refer  to  the 
story  of  two  basket-women  in  Dublin,  who  held  gentle 
converse  on  the  subject  of  an  approaching  execution. 

"Won't  you  go  see  de  man  die  to-morrow,  Judy  ?  " 

"Oh,  no,  darlin',''  said  Judy.  [By-the-bye,  Judy 
pronounced  the  n  through  her  nose,  and  said  "do."] 

"Ah,  do,  jewel,"  said  her  friend. 

Judy  again  responded,  "  Do." 

"And  why  won't  you  go,  dear?"  inquired  her 
friend  again. 

"  I've  to  wash  de  child,"  said  Judy. 

"Sure,  didn't  j'ou  wash  it  last  week?"  said  her 
friend  in  an  expostulatory  tone. 

"  Oh,  well,  I  won' t  go,"  said  Judy. 

"  Troth,  Judy,  you're  ruinin'  your  health,"  said  this 
soft-hearted  acquaintance ;  "  dere's  a  man  to  die 
to-morrow,  and  you  won't  come — augh  ! — you  rfever 
take  do  divarshin." 

Paddy  and  His  Savings 

A  land-agent  writes  :  I  should  scarcely  be  credited 
were  I  to  tell  of  the  large  sums  of  money  which,  from 
time  to  time,  I  was  earnestly  besought  to  take  care 
of,  and  the  strange  secrets  of  which  I  Avas  made  the 
depository. 

I  remember  on  one  occasion  remonstrating  with  an 
apparently  pauper  peasant,  who,  expecting  "that  the 
big  war  would  soon  begin,"  entreated  me  to  receive 
from  him  a  sum  of  ;^20o  in  sovereigns,  in  order  that 
it  might  be  safely  kept.  He  asked  no  interest  for  it ; 
he  did  not  even  require  a  written  acknowledgment  of 
its  receipt  ;  all  he  wanted  was  that  I  would  take  it 
and  keep  it  for  him,  "  It  would  make  my  mind  asy," 
he  said,  "  if  once  I  knew  it  was  safe  in  your  honor's 
hands." 

"But,"  replied  I,  "  you  know  well  the  Ribbonmen 


lt^4  Urisb  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

have  sworn  to  shoot  me,  and  perhaps  if  I  were  down, 
your  money  would  not  be  so  easily  forthcoming." 

"  Oh,  great  luck  to  your  honor,"  replied  the  man, 
"  I  have  no  fear  of  that.  I  always  said  you  would 
bate  them  blackguards  yet ;  never  fear,  but  the  luck 
will  stick  to  you  still,  and  ye' 11  get  the  better  of  them 
in  the  end,  with  all  their  devil's  devices  ;  but  sure  if 
you  were  down  itself,  wouldn't  the  money  be  safe 
enough  in  the  office,  and  I'd  have  it  as  big  as  ever 
when  I  wanted  it." 

"  Why  not  put  it  in  the  bank  ?  "  I  asked  ;  "  it  would 
surely  be  much  safer  there ;  and,  besides,  they  would 
give  you  interest  for  its  use." 

"  Troth,  and  that's  the  very  thing  I'm  afraid  of!  " 
replied  this  accomplished  financier  ;  "  it's  spe)iding  it 
themselves  they'd  be,  or  maybe  lending  it  to  someone 
else,  and  then  it  wouldn't  be  asy  to  come  at  when  I'd 
want  it  most.  Just  lock  it  up  yourself  in  the  office 
safe,  and  there's  no  place  I'd  be  so  sure  of  coming  at 
it  all  right  again." 

The  importance  of  obtaining  the  identical  sovereigns 
back  again  which  he  was  now  anxious  I  should  receive, 
appeared  to  take  a  strong  hold  upon  his  mind,     [ii] 

The  Furlough 

I  was  standing  one  morning  at  the  window  of 
"mine  inn,"  when  my  attention  was  attracted  by  a 
scene  that  took  place  beneath.  The  Belfast  coach  was 
standing  at  the  door,  and  on  the  roof,  in  front,  sat  a 
solitary  passenger,  a  fine  young  fellow  in  the  uniform 
of  the  Connaught  rangers.  Below,  by  the  front  wheel, 
stood  an  old  woman,  seemingly  his  mother,  a  young 
man,  and  a  younger  woman,  sister  or  sweetheart ;  and 
they  were  all  earnestly  entreating  the  young  soldier 
to  descend  from  his  seat  on  the  coach. 

"  Come  down  wid  ye,  Thady," — the  speaker  was  the 
old  woman.  "  Come  down  now  to  your  ould  mother. 
Sure,  it's  flog  ye  they  will,  and  strip  the  flesh  off  the 
bones  I  giv  ye.     Come  down,  Thady,  darlin'  !  " 

"It's  honor,  mother,"  was  the  short  reply  of  the 
soldier  ;  and  with  clenched  hands  and  set  teeth,  he 
took  a  stiffer  posture  on  the  coach. 


Urisb  mil  anD  Ibumor  125 

"  Thady,  come  down,  come  down,  ye  fool  of  the  world, 
come  along  down  wid  ye  !  "  The  tone  of  the  present 
appeal  was  more  impatient  and  peremptory  than  the 
last ;  and  the  answer  was  more  promptly  and  sternly 
pronounced — 

"  It's  honor,  brother  !  "  and  the  body  of  the  speaker 
rose  more  rigidly  erect  than  ever  on  the  roof. 

"  O,  Thady,  come  down  !  sure,  it's  me,  your  own 
Kathleen,  that  bids  ye.  Come  down,  or  ye'U  break  the 
heart  of  me,  Thady,  jewel ;  come  down,  then  !  "  The 
poor  girl  wrung  her  hands  as  she  said  it,  and  cast  a  look 
upward,  that  had  a  visible  effect  on  the  muscles  of  the 
soldier's  countenance.  There  was  more  tenderness  in 
his  tone,  but  it  conveyed  the  same  resolution  as  before — 

"  It's  honor,  honor  bright,  Kathleen  !  "  and,  as  if  to 
defend  himself  from  another  glance,  he  fixed  his  look 
steadfastly  in  front,  while  the  renewed  entreaties  burst 
forth  from  all  three  in  chorus  with  the  same  answer. 

"  Come  down,  Thady,  honey  !  "  "  Thady,  ye  fool, 
come  down  !  "     "  O,  Thady,  come  down  to  me  !  " 

"  It's  honor,  mother  I  It's  honor,  brother  !  Honor 
bright,  my  own  Kathleen  !  " 

Although  the  poor  fellow  was  a  private,  this  appeal 
was  so  public  that  I  did  not  hesitate  to  go  down  and 
inquire  into  the  particulars  of  the  distress.  It 
appeared  that  he  had  been  home,  on  furlough,  to  visit 
his  family,  and  having  exceeded,  as  he  thought,  the 
term  of  his  leave,  he  was  going  to  rejoin  his  regiment, 
and  to  undergo  the  penalty  of  his  neglect.  I  asked 
him  when  the  furlough  expired. 

"  The  first  of  March,  your  honor  ;  bad  luck  to  it  of 
all  the  black  days  in  the  world  ;  and  here  it  is,  come 
sudden  on  me  like  a  shot." 

"The  first  of  March?  why,  my  good  fellow,  you 
have  a  day  to  spare  then  ;  the  first  of  March  will  not 
be  here  until  to-morrow.  It  is  leap-year,  and  Febru- 
ary has  twenty-nine  days." 

The  soldier  was  thunderstruck.  "  Twenty-nine 
days  is  it?  You're  sure  of  that  same  !  Oh,  mother, 
mother  !  the  divil  fly  away  wid  ye'r  ould  almanack; 
a  base  cratur  of  a  book,  to  be  deceavin'  one  afther 
living  so  lang  in  a  family  of  us  !  " 


126  ITrisb  TlXIlit  anD  Ibumor 

His  first  impulse  was  to  cut  a  caper  on  the  roof  of 
the  coach  and  throw  up  his  cap,  with  a  loud  hurrah  ! 
his  second  was  to  throw  himself  into  the  arms  of 
Kathleen  ;  and  the  third  was  to  wring  my  hand  off  in 
acknowledgment. 

"  It's  a  happy  man  I  am,  your  honor,  for  my  word's 
saved,  and  all  by  your  honor's  manes.  Long  life  to 
your  honor  for  the  same  !  May  ye  live  a  long  hundred 
and  lape  years  every  one  of  them."      [13] 

Applying  •'  By  Mail !  " 

An  Irishman  went  into  a  Chicago  store  and,  sa5'^s  he  : 

"  Faith,  an'  did  you  put  in  the  papers  you  wanted 
a  man  ?" 

"Yes,"  said  the  storekeeper,  "and  I  distinctly 
stated  that  all  applications  must  be  made  by  mail." 

"  An'  faith,  an'  it's  meself  that's  a  male,  sure,"  says 
Pat,  and  he  was  hired. 

"  Only  a  Lodger  !  " 

An  honest  Hibernian,  being  in  bed  in  a  great  storm 
and  told  that  the  house  would  tumble  over  his  head, 
made  answer  :  "  What  care  I  for  the  house  ;  I  am  only 
a  lodger." 

Paddy  and  the  Hotel  Lift 

The  Irishman  who  went  up  in  the  hotel  lift  without 
knowing  what  it  was,  did  not  easily  recover  from  the 
surprise.     He  relates  the  story  in  this  way  : 

"  I  wint  to  the  hotel,  and,  says  I  :  'Is  Misther 
Smith  in  ?  ' 

"  '  Yes,'  says  the  man  with  the  sojer  cap  :  '  Will  yez 
step  in  ? ' 

"  So  I  steps  into  the  closet,  and  all  of  a  suddint  he 
pulls  the  rope,  and— it's  the  truth  I'se  telling  yez— 
the  walls  of  the  building  began  runnin'  down  to  the 
cellar. 

"  '  Och,  murther  ! '  says  I,  '  what' 11  become  of  Brid- 
get and  the  childre  which  was  left  below  there?' 

"  Says  the  sojer-cap  man  :  '  Be  aisy,  sorr  ;  they'll 
be  all  right,  when  yez  come  down.' 

"  '  Come  down,  is  it?  '  says  I.  '  And  it  is  no  closet 
at  all,  but  a  haythenish  balloon  that  yez  got  me  in ! ' 


f  ci6b  mil  anD  Ibumot  127 

"  And  wid  that  the  walls  stood  stock  still,  and  he 
opened  the  door,  and  there  I  was  in  the  roof  just  over 
my  head  !  And,  begorra,  that's  what  saved  me  from 
goin'  up  to  the  hivins  intirely  I  " 

A  Witty  Waiter 

A  gentleman  who  frequently  visited  Ireland,  and 
generally  stopped  and  dined  at  the  same  hotel  in 
Dublin,  on  his  arrival  one  day,  perceived  a  paper 
wafered  on  the  looking-glass  in  the  coffee-room  with 
the  following  written  notice  :  "  Strangers  are  particu- 
larly requested  not  to  give  any  money  to  the  waiters, 
as  attention  is  charged  for  in  the  bill." 

The  man  who  had  waited  on  him  at  dinner,  seeing 
him  reading  this  notice,  said  :  "  Oh,  Mister — sure  that 
don't  concern  you  in  any  waj'.  Your  honor  was  never 
made  a  stranger  of  in  this  house." 

Anything  for  a  Sleep  ! 

An  old  Irishman  occupied  the  barber's  chair  the 
other  day  and  he  was  drowsy.  His  eyes  could  not  be 
kept  open,  and  his  head  tumbled  about  and  dropped 
over  upon  his  shoulder  and  down  upon  his  breast  in  a 
way  that  made  shaving  a  difficult  operation  for  the 
knight  of  the  lather,  and  a  dangerous  one  for  the 
patient.  Finally  the  barber  said  gently  but  firmly, 
"  Look  a  here,  sir  ;  I  can't  possibly  shave  you  unless 
you  hold  your  head  up."  To  which  the  response  was 
made  with  drowsy  indifference  :  "  Coot  my  hair  thin." 

A  Long  Prayer 
Very  innocently  an  Irish  newspaper  thus  concludes 
its  account  of  an  imposing  ceremony  :     "  The  proces- 
sion was   very  fine,  being  nearly  two   miles   long,  as 
was  also  the  prayer  of  the  Rev.  Mr.  M'Fadden." 

The  Biggest  Lie   He  Ever  Told 

"Here,  you  bog-trotter,"  said  a  half  dandy  to  an 
Irish  laborer,  "  come  and  tell  me  the  biggest  lie  you 
ever  told  in  your  life,  and  I'll  treat  you  to  a  whiskey 
punch." 

"An'  by  my  sowl,  yer  honor's  a  gentleman!" 
retorted  Pat, 


128  ircisb  ma  mt>  Ibumoc 

Irish  Endurance 

There  is  not  a  people  on  the  face  of  the  earth  who 
possess  a  more  elastic  temperament  than  the  Irish ; 
no  circumstances,  however  adverse,  can  subdue  their 
cheerfulness ;  no  fatigue  break  it  down ;  and  even 
hunger,  which,  as  the  proverb  says,  "breaks  through 
stone  walls,"  even  that  potent  agent  cannot  conquer 
an  Irishman's  habitual  hilarity.  There  is  certainly 
no  people  in  Europe,  and  perhaps,  not  in  the  world, 
so  ill  provided  with  the  comforts,  it  might  almost  be 
said,  the  necessaries  of  life,  as  the  humbler  classes  of 
the  Irish ;  and  it  is  a  fact  they  may  be  proud  of,  that 
they  do  not  repine  at  the  want  of  such  bodily  enjoy- 
ments as  their  neighboring  countrymen  are  in  the 
possession  of.  A  peasant  once  spoken  to  on  the  sub- 
ject, answered  in  a  proverb — "  Sure,"  said  he,  "  '  what 
the  eye  never  sees  the  heart  never  grieves  for,'  and, 
sure,  we  never  see  anything  from  year's  end  to  year's 
end  but  the  praties,  and  well  off  we  are  when  when 
we  have  the  butthermilk  along  with  them  ;  and  though 
we  know  that  there's  more  cattle  and  pigs  and  sheep 
sent  out  o'  the  country  than  id  feed  nine  times  over 
what's  in  it ;  yet,  as  none  of  uz  can  afford  it,  why 
one  isn't  better  off  than  another,  and  so  as  I  said 
afore, '  what  the  eye  never  sees  the  heart  never  grieves 
for,'  and  we're  used  to  the  hard  living." 

Two  Meals  a  Day 
An  Irishman  traveling  through  Scotland  outside 
the  stage  coach,  seemed  surprised  at  seeing  large 
posting  bills  stuck  up  on  every  prominent  wall,  pier, 
and  gable,  stating  the  dreadful  hardships  the  lower 
orders  were  suffering,  and  appealing  to  the  humanity 
of  the  public  for  their  relief.  The  coach  offices  and 
turnpike  gates  were  studded  with  these  appeals  to 
the  charitable,  in  hopes  of  inducing  travelers  to  con- 
tribute ;  and  at  one  of  these  places  the  Irishman  had 
time  to  read  over  the  contents  of  this  petition.  It 
stated,  amongst  other  grievances,  that  such  was  the 
uncommon  distress  of  the  poor,  that  they  were  abso- 
lutely reduced,  in  some  instances,  to  Iwo  meals  a 
day  ! 


Ilclsb  mit  auD  Ibumoi:  129 

''Two  males  a  day!"  said  the  Irishman  aloud, 
"  faith,  an'  myself  often  seen  them  in  Ireland,  with 
only  one  male  a  day  ;  and  they  never  put  it  in  prent 
as  a  curiosity.  Two  males  a  day  ! — faix,  an'  its  many 
a  strappin'  fellow  is  workin'  on  that  same  in  poor 
Ireland.  Arrah  then,  sir,  do  ye  see  that  ?"  said  he, 
turning  to  a  fellow  passenger,  "  throth,  then  it's  long 
till  they'd  put  sich  a  postscript  at  the  beginnin'  of  a 
famine  in  Ireland  ;  but  it's  a  folly  to  talk  of  comparin' 
with  us  at  all— augh,  sure,  there  is  none  of  them  can 
stand  the  starvation  with  uz  !  " 

Paddy,  the  Yankee,  and  the  Turtle 

In  New  York  a  man  was  carrying  a  live  turtle  along 
the  street,  when  by  came  an  Irishman  followed  by 
a  large  dog.  The  countryman  tried  by  gentle  words 
to  get  the  son  of  the  Emerald  Isle  to  put  his  finger 
into  the  turtle's  mouth,  but  he  was  too  smart  for 
that. 

"  But,"  says  Pat,  "  I'll  put  my  dog's  tail  in,  and 
see  what  the  baste  will  do." 

He  immediately  called  up  his  dog,  took  its  tail  in 
his  hand,  and  stuck  it  in  the  turtle's  mouth.  He  had 
scarcely  got  it  in  when  Mr.  Turtle  shut  down  on  the 
poor  dog's  tail,  and  off  the  latter  started  at  railroad 
speed,  pulling  the  turtle  after  him  at  a  more  rapid 
rate  than  ever  it  had  traveled  before.  The  -country- 
man, thinking  that  his  day's  work  would  be  thrown 
away  if  the  animal  should  run  at  that  rate,  turned 
with  a  savage  look  upon  the  Irishman,  and  exclaimed  : 

"  Call  back  your  dog  !  " 

Paddy  put  his  hands  into  his  pockets,  threw  his  head 
to  one  side,  winked,  and  then  answered,  with  a  pro- 
voking sang  froid :  "  Call  back  your  fish  !  " 

What  Ignorance   Nearly  Made  of  Paddy 

An  artisan  who  has  long  been,  and  still  is  employed 
upon  the  Bath  estate,  applied  to  be  accepted  as  a  tenant 
to  a  nice  little  farm  which  had  recently  become  vacant, 
and  was  well  circumstanced,  and  suited  to  its  pur- 
pose. As  he  had  long  been  in  the  employment,  I  con- 
sented to  accept  him  as  tenant,  though  I  well  knew  he 

9 


130  Urisb  IKait  anD  Ibumor 

had  been  one  of  those  who  had  formerly  conspired 
against  my  life.  We  had  made  it  up,  however,  long 
since,  and  had  been  good  friends  for  some  twelve  or 
fourteen  years.  I  had  directed  the  man  to  come  to  my 
private  residence  to  make  arrangements  about  the 
farm ;  and  when  all  was  settled,  as  I  passed  out  of 
the  house,  I  heard  my  daughter  playing  on  her  harp 
in  the  drawing-room. 

"  Would  you  like  to  come  in  and  hear  the  young 
lady  play?  "   I  asked. 

"  Bedad,  I  would,  your  honor,  if  it  wouldn't  be 
makin'  too  bold,"  replied  the  man. 

I  took  him  into  the  drawing-room  at  once,  and  having 
requested  my  daughter  to  play  a  few  airs  on  the  harp, 
which  I  thought  would  please  him — such  as, 
"Patrick's  Day,"  and  "  Garryowan  " — the  man  was 
leaving  the  room  in  high  delight  at  the  music  and  the 
compliment  thus  paid  him,  when  I  said  suddenly  to 
my  daughter  : 

"  Do  you  know  who  this  man  is  ?  " 

"  No,"  she  replied,  "  I  don't  recollect  having  ever 
seen  him  before." 

"  This  is ,"  said   I,   giving  the   man's   name  in 

full  ;  "  and  you  will  be  surprised  when  I  tell  you  that 
this  is  one  of  the  old  conspirators  against  my  life, 
when  the  times  were  disturbed  some  few  years  ago." 

My  daughter  looked  with  mingled  wonder  at  us 
both,  scarcely  believing  that  I  spoke  in  earnest,  as  she 
saw  a  half-smile  upon  my  face. 

"It  is  true,  I  assure  you,"  I  replied,  in  answer  to 
her  incredulous  look. 

"Well,  indeed,  now,"  urged  the  man,  appealing  to 
my  daughter,  "  what  his  honor  says  is  all  true 
enough ;  but,  sure,  he  knows  well  I  wasn't  as  bad  as 
others  ;  and,  anyway,  there  is  not  a  man  on  the  estate 
would  be  less  willing  to  see  a  hair  of  his  head  touched 
now;  but,  sure,  none  of  us  knew  him  then." 

I  could  not  help  laughing  outright  at  the  curi- 
ous innocence  of  the  man's  confession,  so  I  only 
replied — 

"  Well,  if  you  were  a  bad  boy  then,  I  hope  you  will 
be  a  good  boy  now ;  and  as  you  escaped  hanging  then 


Urtsb  TlClit  anD  Ibumor  131 

I'm  not  going  to  remember  it  now.  Perhaps  you 
thought  I  didn't  know  of  your  proceedings,  but  I 
have  been  aware  of  them  these  past  twelve  years. 
I  believe  you  are  a  changed  man,  so  you  shall  have  the 
little  farm." 

The    man  bowed  and  retired,  and   is   now  in  pos- 
session of  the  holding,    [ii] 

Thieving  Which  Didn't  Pay- 
Some  Dublin  men  keeping  watch  over  a  coffin  in  a 
barn,  pass  the  time  by  telling  the  following  tales  of 
crime. 

"  Now  women  are  troublesome  cattle  to  deal  with 
mostly.  They  are  remarkably  cute  first,  and  then 
they  are  spiteful  afterwards  ;  and  for  circumventin' 
either  way  are  share  hands.  You  see  they  do  it 
quieter  than  men  ;  a  man  will  make  a  noise  about  it, 
but  a  woman  will  do  it  on  the  sly.  There  was  Bill 
Morgan — and  a  sharp  fellow  he  was,  too — and  he  had 
set  his  heart  on  some  silver  spoons  he  used  to  see 
down  in  a  kitchen  windy,  but  the  servant-maid,  some- 
how or  other,  suspected  there  was  designs  about  the 
place,  and  was  on  the  watch.  Well,  one  night,  when 
she  was  all  alone,  she  heard  a  noise  outside  the 
windy,  so  she  kept  as  quiet  as  a  mouse.  By  and  by 
the  sash  was  attempted  to  be  riz  from  the  outside,  so 
she  laid  hold  of  a  kittle  of  boiling  wather  and  stood  hid 
behind  the  shutter.  The  windy  was  now  riz  a  little, 
and  a  hand  and  arm  thrust  in  to  throw  up  the  sash 
altogether,  when  the  girl  poured  the  boiling  wather 
down  the  sleeve  of  Bill's  coat.  Bill  roared  with  the 
pain,  when  the  girl  said  to  him,  laughing,  through  the 
windy,  '  I  thought  you  came  for  something.'  " 
"  That  was  a  cute  girl,"  said  Larry,  chuckling. 
"  Well,  now,  that's  an  instance  of  a  woman's  clever- 
ness in  preventing.  I'll  teach  you  one  of  her  deter- 
mination to  discover  and  prosecute  to  conviction ; 
and  in  this  case  what  makes  it  curious  is,  that  Jack 
Tate  had  done  the  bowldest  thing,  and  run  the  greatest 
of  risks,  'the  eminent  deadly,'  as  the  poet  says,  when 
he  was  done  up  at  last  by  a  feather-bed." 

*'  A  feather-bed  !  "  repeated  Larry,  wondering  how 


132  Urisb  'CClit  anD  Dumor 

a  feather-bed  could  influence  the  fate  of  a  bold 
burglar,  while  Goggins  mistook  his  exclamation  of 
surprise  to  signify  the  paltriness  of  the  prize,  and, 
therefore,  chimed  in  with  him. 

"  Quite  true — no  wonder  you  wonder — quite  below 
a  man  of  his  pluck  ;  but  the  fact  was,  a  sweetheart  of 
his  wus  longmg  for  a  feather-bed,  and  Jack  deter- 
mined to  get  it.  Well,  he  marched  into  the  house,  the 
door  of  which  he  found  open,  and  went  upstairs,  and 
took  the  best  feather-bed  in  the  house,  tied  it  up  in  the 
quilt,  crammed  some  caps  and  ribbons  he  saw  lying 
about  into  the  bundle,  and  marched  downstairs  again  ; 
but  you  see,  in  carrying  off  even  the  small  thing  of  a 
feather-bed,  Jack  showed  the  skill  of  a  high  practi- 
tioner, for  he  descendhered  the  stairs  backwards." 

"  Backwards  !  "  said  Larry  ;  "  What  was  that  for  ?  " 

"  You'll  see  by  and  by,"  said  Goggins  ;  "  he  descend- 
hered, backwards,  when  suddenly  he  heard  a  door 
opening,  and  a  faymale  voice  exclaim,  '  Where  are  you 
going  with  that  bed  ?  ' 

"'I'm  going  upstairs  with  it,  ma'am,'  says  Jack, 
whose  backward  position  favored  his  lie,  and  he 
began  to  walk  up  again. 

"'Come  down  here,'  said  the  lady,  'we  want  no 
beds  here,  man.' 

"  '  Mr.  Sullivan,  ma'am,  sent  me  home  with  it  him- 
self, ma'am,'  said  Jack,  still  mounting  the  stairs. 

*'  '  Come  down  here,  I  tell  you,'  said  the  lady,  in  a 
great  rage.  '  There's  no  Mr.  Sullivan  lives  here — go 
out  of  this  with  your  bed,  you  stupid  fellow.' 

"  '  I  beg  your  pardon,  ma'am,'  says  Jack,  turning 
round,  and  marching  off  with  the  bed  fair  and  aisy. 
Well,  there  was  a  regular  shillo  in  the  house  when  the 
thing  was  found  out,  and  cart-ropes  wouldn't  howld 
the  lady  for  the  rage  she  was  in  at  being  diddled  , 
so  she  offered  rewards  and  the  dickens  knows  all  ; 
and  what  do  you  think  at  last  discovered  our 
poor  Jack?  " 

"  The  sweetheart,  may  be,"  said  Larry,  grinning  in 
ecstasy  at  the  thought  of  human  perfidy. 

"  No,"  said  Goggins,  "  honor  even  among  sweet- 
hearts, though  they  do  the  trick  sometimes,  I  confess  ; 


Urieb  Mlt  anD  Ibumor  133 

but  no  woman  of  any  honor  would  betray  a  great  man 
like  Jack.  No — 'twas  one  of  the  pakry  ribbons  that 
brought  conviction  home  to  him  ;  the  woman  never 
lost  sight  of  hunting  up  evidence  about  her  feather- 
bed, and,  in  the  end,  a  ribbon  of  one  of  her  caps 
settled  the  hash  of  Jack  Tate."      [5] 

Why  Biddy  Thought  Her  Dying  Husband 
Insane 

An  Irishman  over  the  age  of  four  score  and  ten, 
who  by  strict  economy  had  accumulated  a  moderate 
fortune,  and  was  about  to  die,  called  in  the  parish 
priest  and  the  family  lawyer  to  make  his  last  will  and 
testament.  The  wife,  a  grasping  covetous  old  party, 
was  also  in  the  room.  The  preliminaries  of  the  will 
having  been  concluded,  it  became  necessary  to  inquire 
about  the  debts  owing  to  the  estate. 

Among  these  were  several  of  importance  of  which 
the  old  lady  had  been  in  ignorance,  but  was  neverthe- 
less pleased  to  find  that  so  much  ready  money  would 
be  forthcoming  after  the  funeral. 

"  Now,  then,"  said  the  lawyer,  "state  explicitly  the 
amount  owed  you  by  your  friends." 

"  Timothy  Brown,"  replied  the  old  man  "owes  me 
fifty  pounds ;  John  Casey  owes  me  thiry-seven 
pounds ;  and " 

"  Good — good  !  "  ejaculated  the  prospective  widow  ; 
"  Rational  to  the  last  !  " 

"  Luke  Bowen  owes  me  forty  pounds,"  resumed  the 
old  man. 

"  Rational  to  the  last  !  "  put  in  the  eager  old  lady, 
again. 

"  To  Michael  Liflfey  I  owe  two  hundred  pounds." 

"  Ah,"  exclaimed  the  old  woman,  "  hear  him  rave  !  " 

Hydrophobia  and  Popery 
A  peasant  taking    supper    in    the    kitchen    of  the 

squire,  begins  to  talk  about  dogs,  and  entertaining  the 

cook  with  a  short  lecture,  says  : 

"  No  one  can  dhrink  afther  a  dog  bites  them,  and 

that's  the  rayson  that  the  larn'd  fackleties  calls  the 

disaise  high-dhry — " 


134  Uriab  Wit  anD  Ibumot 

"  High-dhry  what?"  asked  the  cook. 

"  That's  what  I'm  thinking  of,"  said  Larry,  "  High- 
dhry — high-dhry-something." 

"  There's  high-dhry  snuff,"  said  the  cook. 

"  Oh,  no — no,  no,  ma'am  !  "  said  Larry  waving  his 
hand  and  shaking  his  head,  as  if  unwilling  to  be 
interrupted  in  endeavoring  to  recall  '  some  fleeting 
remembrance'  ;  "  high-dhry  po—po— something  about 
po  ;  faith,  it's  not  unlike  Popery,"  said  Larry. 

"  Don't  say  Popery,"  said  the  cook  ;  "  it's  a  dirty 
word  !  Say  Roman  Catholic  when  you  spake  of  the 
faith."      [5] 

♦•  Chateing  the  Public  !  " 

In  May  1868,  I  was  riding  with  two  young  friends 
over  one  of  the  most  distant  portions  of  the  Bath 
Estate.  My  business  led  me  to  visit  a  man's  farm 
which  he  complained  was  too  highly  rented.  Having 
examined  the  land,  I  was  passing  out  of  the  last  field, 
when  another  odd-looking  man,  unshaven  and  ragged, 
came  up  to  me,  and  told  me  that  his  rent  needed 
reduction  as  much  as  his  neighbor's.  I  replied  that 
he  had  made  no  formal  application  to  that  effect, 
and  that  I  could  not,  therefore,  at  present  entertain  his 
case. 

"Well,  your  honor,"  said  the  man,  "I  wouldn't 
trouble  you,  only  I  wouldn't  like  to  see  this  chap's  rent 
reduced  and  I  not  get  the  same  favor." 

"  But  he  does  not  ask  it  as  a  favor,"  I  answered  ; 
"  he  says  his  land  is  too  highly  rented,  and  he  wants  me 
to  examine  it  myself.  I  have  formed  my  opinion  on 
that  matter,  and  he  shall  know  it  when  he  comes  to  the 
office  next  Thursday." 

"  Don't  mind  a  word  that  blackguard  says,  your 
honor,"  returned  the  ragged  man;  "  he's  the  biggest 
villain  in  the  country,  and  it's  well  he  knows  it's  too 
cheap  he  has  the  land  entirely  !  " 

It  may  well  be  supposed  that  such  an  onslaught  set 
the  disputants  at  high  words  at  once,  and,  to  the 
astonishment  of  myself  and  friends,  these  wordy  war- 
riors fired  into  each  other's  characters  with  the  most 
remorseless  severity. 


Irisb  mit  anD  Ibumoc  135 

"  You  are  the  biggest  villain  in  the  barony  !  "  cried 
the  ragged  man  ;  "you  know  well  I  had  ye  in  Mon- 
aghan  gaol  for  six  months  ;  you  thief  of  the  world,  you 
stole  my  property,  so  you  did  !  " 

"  You're  a  liar  !  "  shouted  the  other  ;  "ye  well  know 
ye  wrongfully  accused  me,  and  perjured  yourself  when 
ye  swore  against  me  ;  and,  anyhow,  my  character  is 
better  than  yourn  ;  let  his  honor  ax  the  priest  or  any 
dacent  man  in  the  country." 

"  I'll  hould  ye  a  five-pound  note  agen  that,"  cried 
the  ragged  man.  "  I'll  bet  ye  a  five-pound  note  this 
minute,  and  let  his  honor  hold  the  stakes,  that  my 
character  is  far  preferable  to  yourn." 

'■^  Five  pounds  !''''  returned  the  other  contemptu- 
ously ;  "  where  would  the  likes  of  ye  get  five  pounds? 
And  ye  boasting  there  to  get  his  honor  to  hold  the 
stakes  !  It  would  be  fitter  for  ye  to  give  five  ha'pence 
to  some  ould  tailor  and  get  your  clothes  mended  ! 
Five  pounds,  indeed  !  " 

"  I'll  prove  it !  "  shouted  the  ragged  man,  in  a  high 
state  of  excitement  ;  "  I'll  prove  it  to  his  honor  this 
minute!"  And,  rummaging  amongst  his  rags,  he 
pulled  out  an  old  greasy  purse,  and,  taking  from 
thence  two  five-pound  notes,  he  walked  up  to  me  in  a 
majestic  manner  and  requested  me  to  hold  one  of 
them  as  the  stake  in  this  characteristic  wager. 

Of  course  I  declined  ;  but  the  whole  scene  was  so 
absurd  that  it  was  impossible  we  could  help  laughing, 
when  his  antagonist,  seeing  the  case  going  against 
him,  and  that  the  stakes  were  really  forthcoming, 
became  excited  beyond  measure,  and  at  last,  losing 
all  control  of  himself,  he  said  : 

"Ye  are  a  public  robber,  so  ye  are;  and  I  could 
tell  that  of  ye  which,  if  his  honor  knew,  he'd  banish 
ye  off  the  estate,  as  he  did  better  men  than  ye  are." 

"  I  defy  ye,"  returned  the  ragged  man  ;  "  say  what 
ye  like,  only  down  with  the  five  pounds  first  and  let 
his  honor  hold  the  stakes." 

"Why  do  you  call  him  a  public  robber  ?  "  I  inquired, 
having  observed  that  the  man  laid  particular  stress 
upon  this  unusual  description  of  his  ragged  opponent. 

"  Because  he  chated  the  public,"  replied  the  man. 


136  Tli<6b  mit  anD  Ibumot 

"  How  so?  "   I  asked  again. 

The  man  gave  a  look  at  his  ragged  neighbor  to  see 
if  he  shrank  from  what  he  was  now  about  to  tell ;  but 
his  look  was  answered  by  a  bold  defiance. 

"  I  defy  ye — do  your  worst  now  if  ye  can." 

"Then  I'll  tell  his  honor  all  about  it,"  said  his 
opponent.  "  That  same  public  robber  there  before  ye 
put  down  his  name  for  a  one-pound  note  to  get  Paddy 
McArdle  shot  that's  alive  and  well  now  ;  and  when 
them  that  was  to  do  the  job  came  round  to  him  after- 
wards for  the  money  to  pay  the  heavy  expenses  they 
were  under,  the  thief  of  the  world  only  buttoned  up 
his  pocket  and  refused  to  pay  a  farthing;  and  thaf s 
why  I  call  him  a  public  robber  !  " 

"And  why  would  I  pay  them  a  farthing,  the  rogues 
that  they  were^  when  they  did)iU  do  the  job  ?  "  shouted 
the  ragged  man.  "  Sure,  isn't  Mr.  McArdle  safe  and 
sound  this  minit — long  life  to  him,  and  long  may  he 
reign,  himself  and  his  big  white  horse  !  May  I  never, 
but  I  wouldn't  for  a  five-pound  note  this  minute  that 
they  got  him  down,  and  yet  the  thieves  of  the  world 
wanted  me  to  pay  them  for  shoot  in''  him,  when  they 
never  done  it  at  all!  That's  a  quare  way  of  doing 
business.  Pay  the  one-pound  note,  indeed  !  In  troth, 
I'll  pay  nothing  of  the  kind  !  " 

Having  thus  fully  admitted  his  original  engagement, 
but  indignantly  repudiated  the  obligation  his  oppo- 
nent wanted  to  fasten  on  him,  inasmuch  as  the  con- 
tract had  never  been  performed,  he  put  his  two  five- 
pound  notes  quietly  into  his  purse  again,  as  if  he 
thought  this  awkward  claim  might  possibly  be  revived, 
and  walked  away  with  the  air  of  an  indignant  and 
injured  individual,      [ii] 

*'  Match-making  " 

A  bachelor,  being  told  by  a  priest  that   marriages 
(vere  made  in  heaven,  doubted  it,  and  taking  a  piece 
of  paper  from  his  pocket  wrote  : 
"Though  matches  are  all  made  in  heaven  they  say, 

Yet  Hymen,  who  mischief  oft  hatches, 

Sometimes  deals  with  the  house  C  other  side  of  the  way , 

And  thef-e  they  make  Lucifer  matches." 


Uriab  llClit  anD  Ibumor  137 

The  Superiority  of  "  Chancery  "  over  Newgate 

Andy  and  his  mother  had  been  talking  over  their 
wrongs  and  thirst  for  vengeance. 

"  Can't  you  take  the  law  o'  them,  aunt  ?  "  asked  her 
niece. 

"  To  be  sure  he  can — and  shall,  too,"  said  the 
mother.  "  I'll  be  off  to  'torney  Murphy  to-morrow  ; 
I'll  pursue  her  for  my  eye,  and  Andy  for  the  property, 
and  I'll  put  them  all  in  Chancer}-,  the  villains  1  " 

"  It's  Newgate  they  ought  to  be  put  in,"  said 
Andy. 

"Tut,  you  fool,"  said  his  mother,  "Chancery  is 
worse  than  Newgate  ;  for  people  sometimes  get  out 
of  Newgate,  but  they  never  get  out  of  Chancery,  I 
hear." 

What  Relation  was  Paddy  to  His  Sister's 

Child  ? 
Lord    Scatterbrain,    wishing   to    know    whether    a 
child  was   a  boy  or  a  girl,  made  the   inquiry  in  the 
true  spirit  of  Paddy  ism — "  Tell  me,  Mister  Dawson, 
are  you  an  tincle  or  an  aunt  ?  " 

An  Irish  Nomination    Day 

At  an  election  a  major  rose  to  propose  the  name 
of  the  gentleman  whom  he  thought  was  the  fittest 
person  to  represent  the  county  in  Parliament.  The 
proposition  was  received  with  cheers,  and  the  major 
suggested  reading  to  the  crowd  a  few  extracts  from 
•some  documents  in  support  of  what  he  said.  But  the 
crowd  was  afraid  that  there  would  be  some  tedious 
references  to  facts  which  would  not  be  at  all  to  their 
taste,  and  some  one  sung  out — 

"  Never  mind,  major — sure,  we'll  take  your  word 
for  it  !  " 

Cries  of  "Order!"  and  "Silence!"  ensued;  and 
were  followed  by  murmurs,  coughs  and  sneezes,  in 
the  crowd,  with  a  considerable  shuffling  of  hobnail 
shoes  on  the  pavement. 

"  Order  !  "  cried  a  voice  in  authority. 

"  Order  anything  you  plaze,  sir  I  "  said  the  voice  in 
the  crowd. 


138  f  tf0b  Wiit  anD  Ibumor 

"  Whiskey  !  "  cried  one. 

"  Porter  !  "  cried  another. 

"  Tabakky  !  "  roared  a  third. 

"  I  must  insist  on  silence  !  "  cried  the  sheriff  in  a 
very  husky  voice.  "Silence!  or  I'll  have  the  court 
house  cleared  !  " 

"  Faith,  and  if  you  cleared  your  own  throat  it 
would  be  better,"  said  a  wag  in  the  crowd. 

The  Difference  Between  Paddy,  Rich,  and  Paddy, 
♦  Poor 

Handy  Andy  finds  himself  very  hardly  used. 
Nothing  he  does  prospers.  His  wife,  who  has  been 
forced  into  marriage  with  him,  leaves  him  half  an 
hour  after  the  priest  has  helped  them  (in  the  facetious 
parlance  of  Paddy)  to  "  tie  with  their  tongues  what 
they  could  not  undo  with  their  teeth  "  ;  and  when  he 
goes  to  his  mother  for  sympathy  she  only  pours  out  a 
torrent  of  abuse  on  him.  Some  few  minutes  silence 
followed  her  eloquent  outburst,  which  Andy  broke  by 
uttering  a  long  sigh  and  ejaculating  : 

"  Och  !  it's  a  fine  thing  to  be  a  gentleman  !  " 

"  Cock  you  up  !  "  said  his  mother.  "  Maybe  it's  a 
gentleman  you  want  to  be  ;  what  put  that  into  your 
head,  you  omadhau'?iF^' 

"Why,  because  a  gintleman  has  no  hardships, 
compared  to  one  of  uz.  Sure,  if  a  gentleman  was 
married,  his  wife  would  not  be  tuk  off  from  him  the 
way  mine  was." 

"  Not  so  soon,  maybe,"  said  the  mother. 

"And  if  a  gintleman  brakes  a  horse's  heart  he's 
only  a  '  bowld  rider,''  while  a  poor  servant  is  a  '  care- 
less blackguard,'  for  only  taking  the  sweat  out  of  him. 
If  a  gentleman  dhrinks  till  he  can't  see  a  hole  in  a 
laddher,  he's  only  'fresh,'' — but  '  dhrunk  '  is  the  word 
for  a  poor  man.  And  if  a  gintleman  kicks  up  a  row 
he's  a  '  fine  sperited  fellow,'  while  a  poor  man  is  '  a 
disordherly  vagabone '  for  the  same  ;  and  the  justice 
axes  the  one  to  dinner  and  sends  the  other  to  jail. 
Oh,  faix,  the  law  is  a  dainty  lady;  she  takes  people 
by  the  hand  who  can  afford  to  wear  gloves,  but  people 
with  brown  fists  must  keep  their  distance."      [5] 


Irisb  limit  an&  Ibumor  139 

Sociable  to  the  Last 

Once  there  was  a  well-to-do  Irishman  who  found 
himself  about  to  pass  awa}'.  His  name  was  Maloney. 
He  sent  for  his  old  friend  O' Conor  to  come  and  make 
his  will.  Everything  was  in  readiness,  and  the  dying 
man  said  : 

"  Put  down  ^50  for  masses  up  at  the  church  for 
the  repose  of  my  soul."  The  man  scratched  away, 
and  then  Mr.  O' Conor  said  : 

"What  next,  Mr.  Maloney?" 

"  Put  down  ;^2oo  for  the  Little  Sisters  of  the  Poor. 
Have  we  that  down,  Mr.  O' Conor?" 

"  I  have,  Mr.  Maloney.     What  next?  " 

"  Put  down  ^250  for  the  Cork  Orphan  Asylum." 

"What  next,  Mr.  Maloney?" 

"  Put  down  /"looo  for  me  brother  Pat.  He  don't 
nade  it,  but  it's  all  the  same.  I  can't  carry  it  with 
me." 

"  What  nixt,  Mr.  Maloney  ?  " 

So  the  work  went  on  slowly,  the  dying  man  bring- 
ing himself  up  with  an  effort  to  the  task,  and  Mr. 
O'Conor  stopping  now  and  then  to  draw  his  finger 
across  his  nose  and  sniff  sympathetically.  Finally 
the  dying  man  said  faintly  : 

"  I  think  that  is  all  I  have  to  will." 

O'Conor  footed  up  the  items,  looked  at  the  balance 
in  the  little  old  bank-book  and  said  : 

"  No,  Mr.  Maloney,  there's  tin  pounds  yit." 

The  dying  man  lay  absorbed  in  thought  for  a  few 
minutes,  and  then  said  : 

"  O'Conor,  put  down  that  tin  pounds  to  spend  with 
the  bhoys  at  me  funeral." 

Mr.  O'Conor  began  to  write ;  then  he  stopped, 
looked  towards  the  bed  with  a  puzzled  expression, 
and  asked  softly  : 

"  Mr.  Maloney,  shall  I  put  it  down  to  spend  going 
to  the  funeral  or  coming  back  ?  " 

The  dying  man  lay  very  quiet  for  a  few  moments, 
as  he  studied  the  problem,  and  then  with  an  effort 
replied  : 

"  O'Conor,  put  down  tin  pounds  to  spind  goin'  to 
the  funeral,  for  thin  I'll  be  wid  ye." 


140  f  rtsb  XClit  anD  "fcumor 

Soap  and  Water 

At  the  Wicklow  election  Mr.  Bagenal  Dah'  was  a 
conspicuous  character  "  on  town  "  ;  on  foot  and  alone, 
he  was  at  once  recognized  by  the  mob,  who  cheered 
him  as  an  old  but  long-lost-sight-of  acquaintance. 
The  densest  crowd  made  way  for  him  as  he  came,  and 
every  mark  of  respect  was  shown  him  by  those  who 
set  a  higher  price  on  his  eccentricity  and  daring  than 
even  upon  his  patriotism  ;  and  a  murmuring  com- 
mentary on  his  character  followed  him  as  he  went. 

"  By  my  conscience  !  it's  well  for  them  they  haven't 
to  fight  for  the  Union,  or  they  wouldn't  like  old 
Bagenal  Daly  agin  them  !  " 

"  He  looks  as  fresh  and  bowld  as  ever  he  did,"  said 
another ;  "  sorra  a  da\'  oulder  than  he  was  twenty- 
eight  years  ago,  when  I  seen  him  tried  for  his  life  at 
Newgate." 

"  Was  you  there,  Mickey?"  cried  two  or  three,  in 
a  breath. 

"  Faix  was  I,  as  near  as  I  am  to  you.  'Twas  a 
coalheaver  he  kilt,  a  chap  that  v/as  called  Big  Sam  ; 
and  they  say  he  was  bribed  by  some  of  the  gentlemen 
at  Daly's  Club  House  to  come  up  to  Bagenal  Daly  in 
the  street  and  insult  him  about  the  beard  he  wears  on 
his  upper  lip,  and  sure  enough  so  he  did — it  was  Ash 
Wednesday  more  by  token — and  Sam  had  a  smut  on 
his  face  just  to  imitate  Mr.  Daly's.  'We  are  a  purty 
pair,  ain't  we?'  says  Sam,  grinning  at  him,  when 
they  met  on  Essex  Bridge.  And  wid  that  he  slips  his 
arm  inside  Mr.  Daly's  to  hook  wid  his." 

"  To  walk  beside  him   is't  ?  " 

"Just  so,  divil  a  less.  'Come  round  to  the  other 
side  of  me,'  says  Daly,  'for  I  want  to  step  into  Kert- 
land's  shop.'  And  in  they  went  together,  and  Daly 
asks  for  a  pound  of  strong  white  soap,  and  pays  down 
one-and-eightpence  for  it,  and  out  they  comes  again 
quite  friendly  as  before.  '  Where  to,  now  ? '  says 
Sam,  for  he  held  a  grip  of  him  like  a  bailiff.  '  Across 
the  bridge,'  says  Daly;  and  so  it  was.  When  they 
reached  the  middle  arch  of  the  bridge,  Daly  made  a 
spring  and  got  himself  free,  and  then  stooping  down, 
caught  Sara  by  the  knees,  and,  before  you  could  say 


Urisb  XClit  anO  Ibumor  141 

'Jack  Robinson,'  hurled  him  over  the  battlements 
into  the  Liffe}-.  '  You  can  wash  your  face  now,'  says 
he,  and  he  threw  the  soap  after  him  ;  df\il  a  word 
more  he  said,  but  walked  on  as  cool  as  you  saw  him 
there." 

"  And  Sam  ?  "  said  several  together. 

"  Sam  was  drowned  ;  there  came  a  fresh  in  the 
river,  and  they  took  him  up  beyand  the  North  Wall — 
a  corpse." 

"  Millia  murther  !  what  did  Daly  do?  " 

"  He  took  his  trial  for  it,  and  sorra  excuse  he  gave, 
one  way  or  other,  but  that  he  *  didn't  know  the 
blackguard  couldn't  swim  ! '  " 

"And  they  let  him  off?" 

"  Let  him  off  ?     Arrah,  is  it  to  hang  a  gentleman  ?  " 

"True  for  you,"  chimed  in  the  bystanders  ;  them 
that  makes  the  laws  knows  better  than  that !  "      [14] 

Two  Bishops  in  One  Diocese 

A  Catholic  bishop  gave  one  of  his  priests  in  a  rural 
district  of  Australia  the  serviceable  gift  of  a  horse. 
To  commemorate  the  circumstance  the  young  priest 
named  the  animal  after  the  donor,  and  "  Saddle  '  The 
Bishop,'"  "Feed  'The  Bishop,'"  "Water  'The 
Bishop,'  "  and  so  forth,  became  familiar  phrases  in 
his  household.  Shortly  afterwards  the  children  of 
the  parochial  schools  were  ready  for  contirmation, 
and  a  day  was  fixed  by  the  diocesan  to  confer  this 
sacrament  of  the  Catholic  Church  upon  them.  The 
priest,  who  was  the  soul  of  hospitality,  invited  the 
principal  official  persons  in  the  district  to  meet  the 
prelate  at  dinner  after  the  ceremony.  It  was  a  very 
hot  day  in  the  Australian  mid-summer,  and  just  as 
the  distinguished  company  sat  down  to  table,  the 
door  opened  slowly,  and  the  priest's  groom  put  his 
head  into  the  room  and  whispered  :  "  Might  I  have  a 
word  with  your  reverence?" 

"  Oh,  not  now,  Mick;  don't  you  see  I  am  engaged 
with  his  lordship?  Come  to  me  after  dinner."  "It'll 
be  too  late  then,  your  reverence."  The  prelate 
considerately  suggested  that  Michael  should  be  heard 
on  the  spot. 


142  Urisb  mil  anO  Ibumor 

"Well,  Mick,  his  lordship  will  permit  you  to  tell 
what  you  want  at  once." 

"  It's  a  Tiornd  hot  day,  your  reverence !  I  was 
thinking  whether  I  oughtn't  to  throw  a  bucket  of 
water  on  the  '  The  Bishop  ! '  " 

Bad  Luck  and  its  Cause 

Shemus  Rhua  was  very  fond  of  speaking  about  his 
master,  Sir  Thomas  Macnamara.  One  day  he  told 
his  friends  about  an  election  in  which  Sir  Thomas 
figured  largely.     Said  he  : 

"You  see,  Mark,  the  ould  master  had  stood  for  the 
county.  Well,  from  the  time  he  came  into  possession 
of  the  estate,  of  course,  Sir  Thomas  was,  like  his 
father,  a  Sunday  man  ;  and  as  he  couldn't  meet  the 
sheriffs  openly  at  the  election,  what  the  devil  does  he 
do,  but  he  sits  out  in  a  boat,  where  he  could  hear  how 
things  were  goin'  on,  and  give  orders  to  the  tenants. 
The  Lord  sees  the  craytures  did  all  they  could  for  a 
good  master  as  he  was.  Didn't  they  kidnap  the 
electors,  tare  down  the  booths,  burn  Peter  Daly's 
tally-room  teetotally, — and  throw  a  jaunting  car,  with 
six  voters,  clane  over  the  bridge — horse,  driver  and 
all !  And  what  more  could  they  do  ?  The  money  bate 
us  in  the  long  run  ;  and  it  was  well  Sir  Thomas  wasn't 
taken  into  the  bargain— for  the  bailiffs  chased  him  to 
the  very  gates.  No  wonder  thin,  poor  ould  gentle- 
man, that  the  very  name  of  the  election  put  him 
always  in  a  rage. 

" '  Never  mind,'  said  the  priest,  striving  to  say 
something  pleasant,  and  comfort  the  old  master  ;  '  it's 
a  long  lane  that  wants  a  turn — and  luck  will  come  at 
last.  There's  yer  two  sisters.  Sir  Thomas — the  best 
Catholics  in  Connemara,  and  ready  to  travel  any 
moment  that  they're  wanted— if  the  Lord  would  only 
mercifully  take  them  to  himself.  Indeed,  they're  too 
good  for  this  wicked  world — and  they  would  be  far 
snugger  in  the  next.' 

"  '  Divil  a  chance  there,'  says  Sir  Thomas  ;  '  they're 
the  very  counterpart  of  their  mother— the  Lord  be 
good  to  her  ! — and  she  lived  to  ninety-seven.' 

<'  *  Are  ye  in  the  lottery  the  year  ?  '  asked  the  priest. 


Hrfsb  ma  an&  Ibumot  143 

"  <  Arrah,  what  matter  whether  I  am  or  not  ?  '  said 
Sir  Thomas.  '  Haven't  I  been  in  it  since  I  was  a  boy, 
and  niver  won  anything  beyond  a  blackguard  twenty 
or  two?  Upon  my  conscience,  I  verily  believe,  if  I  had 
been  bound  to  a  hatter,  people  would  be  born  without 
heads  !  ' 

"  Well,  the  divil  a  one  could  point  out  the  likelihood 
of  luck  ;  and  the  poor  old  gentleman  seemed  mighty 
disconsolate. 

"  '  Arrah,'  says  I,  *  hould  up.  Sir  Thomas — who 
knows  but  we'll  get  to  the  sunny  side  of  the  hedge 
yet?  There's  Master  Dick — and  if  he  would  only 
marry  an  heiress ' 

"  *  Bedad,'  says  the  ould  gentleman,  'Father  Pat, 
there's  sense  in  that.' 

"  The  priest  shook  his  head. 

"  'And  why  shouldn't  he?  '  says  Sir  Thomas. 

"  '  Because,'  returned  the  priest,  '  he's  never  out  of 
one  scrape  till  he's  into  another.  And  then  he's  so 
captious  ;  if  he  was  in  heaven — where  the  Lord  send 
him  in  proper  time,  if  possible  ! — why,  he  would  pick 
a  quarrel  with  St.  Peter.' 

"  '  It's  all  a  flow  of  spirits,'  says  the  ould  man. 

"  * //'j-  a  flow  of  spirits  that  causes  it  generally,' 
says  the  priest.'  "  [15] 

The  Towers  of  Clonmacnoise 
One  day  I  was  accosted  by  a  peasant,  who  had 
watched  for  a  long  time,  in  silent  wonder,  the  draft  of 
the  stone  cross,  as  it  grew  into  being  beneath  my 
pencil  ;  and  finding  the  man  "  apt "  as  the  Ghost  says 
to  Hamlet,  I  entered  into  conversation  with  him.  To 
some  remark  of  mine  touching  the  antiquity  of  the 
place,  he  assured  me  "  it  was  a  fine  owld  place  in 
the  owld  ancient  times."  In  noticing  the  difference 
between  the  two  round  towers,  for  there  are  two  very 
fine  ones  at  Clonmacnoise,  one  on  top  of  the  hill,  and 
one  close  beside  the  plashy  bank  of  the  river,  he 
accounted  for  the  difference  by  a  piece  of  legendary 
information  with  which  he  favored  me,  and  which 
may  prove,  perhaps,  of  sufficient  importance  to  interest 
the  reader. 


144  Urisb  Mit  an&  Ibumor 

"  You  see,  sir,"  said  he,  "  the  one  down  there  beyarU 
at  the  river  side,  was  built  the  first,  and  finished  com- 
plate  entirely,  for  the  roof  is  an  it,  you  see  ;  but  when 
that  was  built,  the  bishop  thought  that  another  id  look 
very  piirty  up  on  the  hill  beyant,  and  so  he  bid  the 
masons  to  set  to  work,  and  build  another  tower 
there. 

"  Well,  away  they  went  to  work,  as  busy  as  nailers  ; 
troth,  it  was  just  like  a  bee-hive,  every  man  with  his 
hammer  in  his  hand,  and,  sure,  the  tower  was  com- 
plated  in  due  time.  Well,  when  the  last  stone  was 
laid  on  the  roof,  the  bishop  axes  the  masons  how  much 
he  was  to  pay  them,  and  they  ups  and  they  towld  him 
their  price  ;  but  the  bishop  they  say  was  a  nej'ger 
(niggard) — God  forgi'  me  for  saying  the  word  of  so 
holy  a  man — and  he  said  they  ax'd  too  much  and  he 
wouldn't  pay  them.  With  that,  my  jewel,  the  masons 
said  they  would  take  no  less ;  and  what  would  you 
think,  but  the  bishop  had  the  cunnin'  to  take  away 
the  laddhers  that  was  reared  up  agin  the  tower,  '  and 
now,'  says  he,  '  my  gay  fellows,'  says  he,  '  the  devil  a 
down  out  o'  that  you'll  come  antil  you  learn  manners 
and  take  what's  offered  to  yiz,'  says  he,  '  and  when 
you  come  down  in  your  price  you  may  come  down 
yourselves  into  the  bargain.'  Well,  sure  enough,  he 
kept  his  word  and  wouldn't  let  man  or  mortyel  go 
nigh  them  to  help  them  ;  and  faiks,  the  masons  didn't 
like  the  notion  of  losin'  their  honest  airnins,  and 
small  blame  to  them  ;  but,  sure,  they  wor  starvin'  all 
the  time  and  didn't  know  what  in  the  wide  world  to 
do,  when  there  was  a  fool  chanced  to  pass  by  and  sees 
them.  '  Musha  !  but  you  look  well  there,'  says  the 
innocent;  '  an'  how  are  you?  '  says  he.  'Not  much 
the  better  av  your  axin','  says  they.  '  Maybe  you're 
out  there,'  says  he.  So  he  questioned  them,  and  they 
towld  him  how  it  was  with  them,  and  how  the  bishop 
tuk  away  the  ladthers,  and  they  couldn't  come  down. 
'  Tut,  you  fools,'  says  he ;  '  Sure,  isnU  it  aisier  to  take 
down  two  stones  nor  put  up  one?'  Wasn't  that 
mighty  cute  o'  the  fool,  sir  ?  And  wid  that,  my  dear 
sowl,  no  sooner  said  nor  done.  Faiks,  the  masons 
began  to  pull  down  their  work,  and  whin  they  went 


Urieb  Wit  an&  Ibumor  145 

on  for  some  time  the  bishop  bid  them  stop,  an'  he'd 
let  them  down  ;  but,  faiks,  before  he  g-ev  into  them 
they  had  taken  the  roof  clane  off ;  and  that's  the 
raison  that  one  tower  has  a  roof,  sir,  and  the  other 
has  none." 

He  Couldn't  Make  it  Out 
An  Irishman  received   a  challenge  to  fight  a  duel, 

but  declined. 

On   being   asked   the   reason:    "  Och,"  said    Pat, 

"  would  you  have  me  leave  his  mother  an  orphan  ?  " 

Irish  "Tay" 

The  porter  of  a  Dublin  grocer  was  brought  up 
before  a  magistrate  on  a  charge  of  stealing  chocolate, 
which  he  could  not  deny.  Upon  being  asked  to  whom 
he  sold  it,  the  pride  of  Patrick  was  greatly  wounded  : 

"  To  whom  did  I  sell  it  ?  "  says  Pat ;  "  why,  does  he 
think  I  took  it  to  sell?  " 

"  Then,  sir,"  said  the  magistrate,  "  what  did  you 
do  with  it?" 

"  Do  wid  it  ?  Since  you  must  know,"  said  he,  "  we 
made  ^qy  with  it." 

A  "  Fall  "  that  Pleased  Paddy 

An  Irishman  having  been  told  that  the  price  of 
bread  had  fallen,  exclaimed  : 

"  This  is  the  first  time  I  ever  rejoiced  at  the  fall  of 
my  best  friend." 

An  Irish  Thief's  Opinion  of  His  Own  Deeds 

Two  Irishmen  were  traveling  together  and,  as  night 
was  falling,  one  of  them  proposed  hastening  on,  for, 
said  he,  •'  the  road,  they  say,  is  unsafe  after  dark. 
They  robbed  the  mail  last  week." 

"  They'll  not  rob  us,"  returned  the  other,  who  was 
a  ratcatcher,  "  Where  hard  blows  and  light  purses 
are  only  to  be  got,  people  who  understand  their  busi- 
ness never  trouble  themselves  with  such  customers." 

"  Well,  Shemus,  you  know  best ;  for  you're  foully 
belied  if  there  was  a  handier  gentleman  out  in  ninety- 
eight." 

10 


146  Hrfsb  Timit  anD  Ibumor 

"  I  never  robbed,  if  robbing  you  can  call  it," 
returned  Shemus,  "  but  twice  ;  and  if  everything  I  did 
besides  sate  so  light  on  my  conscience,  the  devil  a 
knee  I  need  crook  to  Father  Ulick  M'Shane." 

"  And  who  did  you  rob  ?  "  inquired  the  ratcatcher's 
companion. 

"  A  miser  and  a  king— God  bless  his  majesty  !  I 
should  have  spared  him,  for  he's  a  dacent  ould 
gentleman,  or  my  head  would  have  been  on  a  spike  at 
Castlebar  !  " 

"  Well,  Shemus,  let  us  hear  one  of  your  exploits." 

"When  I  robbed  the  king  it  was  only  taking  the 
saddle-bags  from  an  honest  tax-gatherer,  whom  I 
chanced  to  meet  '  accidently  on  purpose,'  one  winter's 
evening  at  the  deer-park  wall  of  Cloghanteeley.  The 
man  was  drunk,  the  horse  tired,  and  I  took  care  of  the 
silver — only  that,  forgetting  the  owner's  name,  I  never 
knew  where  to  return  it  afterwards."     [15] 

Begging  the  Culprit's  Pardon 
A  learned  Irish  judge,  amongst  other  peculiarities, 
had  a  habit  of  begging  pardon  on  every  occasion.  On 
his  circuit  his  favorite  expression  was  employed  in  a 
singular  manner.  At  the  close  of  the  assize,  as  he 
was  about  to  leave  the  bench,  the  officer  of  the  court 
reminded  him  that  he  had  not  passed  sentence  on  one 
of  the  criminals,  as  he  had  intended. 

"  Dear  me  !  "  said  his  lordship,  "  I  really  beg  his 
pardon  ;  bring  him  in." 

Paddy's  View  of  Delirium  Tremens 
A  Stocktonian  was,  a  short  time  ago,  describing  to 
an  Irishman  in  vivid  language  the  multiform  monsters 
who  visited  him  during  an  attack  of  delirium  tremens 
— devils  of  all  shapes  and  sizes  and  of  sufficient  num- 
ber to  justify  the  term  "delirium  tremen(dou)s." 
"  But,"  concluded  he,  in  a  consolatory  key,  "  it  is  all 
imagination,  you  know."  "By  my  sowl,"  replied 
Paddy,  evidently  disconcerted,  "  I'm  not  so  sure  of 
that.  It  is  strange  you  never  imagine  you  see  angels 
flying  at  you  such  times." 


Urtsb  *Mit  anD  Ibumor  147 

Irish  Definition  of  a  Yankee 
He'd  kiss  a  queen  till  he'd  raise  a  blister, 

With  his  arms  round  herneck,  and  his  old  fefthaton; 
Address  a  king  by  the  title  of  Mister, 

And  ask  him  the  price  of  the  throne  he  sat  on. 

The  Place  Where  the  Coach  Stops 

The  traveler  was  awakened  from  the  reverie  in 
which  he  was  indulging  by  the  blowing  of  a  long  tin 
horn,  announcing  the  arrival  of  the  coach  at  a  dirty 
little  town,  where  it  was  to  stop  for  the  night.  It 
drove  up  to  what  was  called  an  hotel,  round  the  door 
of  which,  though  still  raining  heavily,  a  crowd  of 
beggars  stood  so  thick,  that  the  passengers  could 
hardly  press  their  way  through  them  into  the  house  ; 
and  while  they  were  thus  struggling  for  admittance, 
obstreperous  prayers  assailed  them  on  all  sides,  in 
horrid  discord  and  strange  variety — for  their  com- 
plaints and  their  blessings  became  so  jumbled  together 
as  to  produce  a  ludicrous  effect.  There  were  blind  and 
lame,  broken  bones,  widows  and  orphans,  etc.,  etc. 

"  Pity  the  blind  !  and  may  you  never  see " 

"  To-morrow  morning  won't  find  me  alive  if  you 
dcn't  relieve " 

"  The  guard  will  give  me  something,  your  honor,  if 
you'll  only  bid  him " 

"  Be  quiet,  you  devil  !  and  don't  taze  the  gintle- 
man  !  Sure  he  has " 

"Three  fatherless  childher " 

"  And  broke  his  two  legs " 

"  That  is  stone  blind " 

"  And  met  a  dhreadful  accident  !  and  shure  the 
house  fell  on  him,  and  he's  lying  undher  it  these 
three  weeks,  widout  a  bit  to  ate,  but " 

"Three fatherless  childerand  a dissolutewidow " 

"  Lying  on  the  broad  of  her  back  wath  nothing  on 
her  but " 

"  The  small-pox,  your  honor  !  " 

"  For  heaven's  sake  !  let  me  pass,"  said  the  young 
traveler,  who  had  an  horn^r  for  small-pox ;  and  press- 
ing through  the  crowd  that  environed  him  into  the 
house,  he  entered  the  first  room  he  saw,  and  suddenly 
closed  the  door  behind  him.      [4] 


148  txiBb  Mit  anD  t)umor 

How  Paddy  Took  the  Bounce  Out  of  Him 

Rory  O'More  transacted  his  business  in  Dublin  sat- 
isfactorily, and  having  done  so,  he  mounted  his  out- 
side place  on  one  of  the  coaches  from  town,  and 
found  himself  beside  a  slight,  pale,  but  rather  hand- 
some young  gentleman,  perfectly  free  from  anything 
of  that  repulsive  bearing  which  sometimes  too  forci- 
bly marks  the  distinction  between  the  ranks  of  parties 
that  may  chance  to  meet  in  such  promiscuous  society 
as  that  which  a  public  conveyance  huddles  together. 
He  was  perfectly  accommodating  to  his  fellow-trav- 
elers while  they  were  shaking  themselves  down  into 
their  places,  and  on  the  journey  he  conversed  freely 
with  Rory  on  such  subjects  as  the  passing  occurrences 
of  the  road  suggested.  This  unaffected  conduct  won 
him  ready  esteem  and  liking  from  his  humble 
neighbor,  as  in  such  cases  it  never  fails  to  do  ;  but  its 
effect  was  heightened  by  the  contrast  which  another 
passenger  af?orded,  who  seemed  to  consider  it  a  great 
degradation  to  have  a  person  in  Rory's  condition 
placed  beside  him  ;  and  he  spoke  in  an  offensive  tone 
of  remark  to  the  person  seated  at  the  other  side,  and 
quite  loud  enough  to  be  heard,  of  the  assurance  of 
the  lower  orders,  and  how  hard  it  was  to  make  low 
fellows  understand  how  to  keep  their  distance.  To 
all  this,  Rory,  with  a  great  deal  of  tact,  never  made 
any  reply,  and  to  a  casual  observer  would  have 
seemed  not  to  notice  it;  but  to  the  searching  eye  of 
his  pale  companion,  there  was  the  quick  and  momen- 
tary quiver  of  indignation  on  the  peasant's  lip,  and 
the  compression  of  brow  that  denotes  pain  and 
anger,  the  more  acute  from  their  being  concealed. 
But  an  occasion  soon  ofifered  for  this  insolent  and  ill- 
bred  fellow  to  make  an  open  aggression  upon  Rory, 
which  our  hero  returned  with  interest.  After  one  of 
the  stoppages  on  the  road  for  refreshment,  the  pas- 
sengers resumed  their  places,  and  the  last  to  reappear 
was  this  bashaw.  On  getting  up  to  his  seat,  he  said, 
"  Where's  my  coat?   ' 

To  this  no  one  made  any  answer,  and  the  question 
was  soon  repeated  in  a  louder  tone. 

"Your  coat,  is  it,  sir?"  said  the  coachman. 


Hdsb  Mit  anD  Ibumor  149 

**  Yes— my  coat ;  do  you  know  anything  of  it  ?  " 
"  No,  sir,"  said  the  coachman  ;  "  maybe  you  took  it 
into  the  house  with  you." 

"  No,  I  did  not ;  I  left  it  on  the  coach.  And,  by 
the  bye,"  said  he,  looking  at  Rory,  "you  were  the 
only  person  who  did  not  quit  the  coach — did  jyou 
take  it?" 

"  Take  what?''  said  Rory,  with  a  peculiar  empha- 
sis and  intonation  on  the  what. 

"  My  coat,"  said  the  other,  with  extreme  effrontery. 
"  I've   a   coat  o'    my  own,"  said   Rory,  with    great 
composure. 

"That's  not  an  answer  to  my  question,"  said  the 
other. 

"  I  think  you  ought  to  be  glad  to  get  so  quiet  an 
answer,"  said  Rory. 

"  And  I  think  so,  too,"  said  the  pale  traveler. 
"I  did  not  address  my  conversation  to  you,  sir," 
said  the  swaggering  gentleman. 

"  If  you  did,  sir,  you  should  have  been  lying  in  the 
road  now,"  was  the  taunting  rejoinder. 

At  this  moment  a  waiter  appeared  at  the  door  of 
the  inn,  bearing  the  missing  coat  on  his  arm  ;  and 
handing  the  coat  up  to  the  owner,  he  said,  "  You  left 
this  behind  you  in  the  parlor,  sir." 

The  effect  was  what  any  one  must  anticipate  ;  indig- 
nant eyes  were  turned  on  all  sides  upon  the  person 
making  so  wanton  an  aggression,  and  he  himself 
::eemed  to  stagger  at  the  evidence  against  him,  and 
carcely  knew  what  to  do.  After  much  stammering 
and  hemming  and  hawing,  he  took  the  coat  from  the 
waiter,  and  turning  to  Rory,  said,  "  I  see — I  forgot — 
I  thought  that  I  left  it  on  the  coach  ;  but— a— I  see, 
'twas  a  mistake." 

"Oh,  make  no  apologies,"  said  Rory;  "we  were 
both  undher  a  mistake." 

"  How  both?  '  said  the  Don. 

"  Why,  sir,"  said  Rory,  "  ye  mistuk  me  for  a  thief, 
and  I  mistuk  you  for  a  gentleman." 

The  swaggerer  could  not  rally  against  the  laugh 
this  bitter  repartee  made  against  him,  and  he  was 
effectually  silenced  for  the  rest  of  the  journey.      [4] 


150  Hrlsb  mtt  anD  Ibumor 

Paddy  Always  Able   to  Rise  Above  His 
Circumstances 

Have  you  ever  observed  that  on  a  sudden  dash  of 
rain  the  coachman  immediately  begins  to  whip  the 
horses  ?  So  it  was  during  Rory  O'More's  journey  from 
Dublin,  when  he  first  met  Mr.  DeLacy  ;  and  the  more 
it  rained  the  faster  he  drove ;  and  the  faster  he  drove 
the  faster  it  seemed  to  rain. 

At  last  the  passengers  seated  on  the  top  of  the  coach 
began  to  be  aware  that  their  seats  were  invaded  by 
the  flood  that  deluged  the  coach  roof,  just  as  they 
arrived  at  the  usual  place  for  changing  horses.  The 
moment  the  coach  stopped,  Rory  jumped  off,  saying 
to  the  coachman,  "  I'll  be  back  to  you  before  you  go ; 
but  don't  start  before  I  come,"  and  off  he  ran  up 
the  town. 

"  Faix,  that's  a  sure  way  of  being  back  before  I 
go!"  said  the  driver;  "but  you'd  better  not  delay, 
my  buck,  or  it's  behind  I'll  lave  you." 

While  change  was  being  made,  the  passengers 
endeavored  to  procure  wads  of  straw  to  sit  upon,  the 
rain  becoming  more  and  more  inconvenient ;  and  at 
last  all  was  ready  for  starting,  but  Rory  had  not  yet 
returned.  The  horn  was  sounded,  and  the  coach- 
man's patience  was  just  exhausted,  when  Rory  hove 
in  sight  splashing  his  way  through  the  middle  of  the 
street,  flourishing  two  gridirons  over  his  head. 

"Here  I  am,"  said  he,  panting  and  nearly 
exhausted  ;   "  faith,  I'd  a  brave  run  for  it !  " 

"Why,  thin,  what  the  dickens  do  you  want  here 
with  gridirons?"  said  the  coachman. 

"Oh,  never  mind,"  said  Rory;  "just  give  me  a 
wisp  of  sthraw,  and  God  bless  you,"  said  he  to  one 
of  the  helpers  who  was  standing  by  ;  and  having  got 
it,  he  scrambled  up  to  the  top  of  the  coach  ;  he  said  to 
his  pale  friend,  "  Now,  sir,  we'll  be  comfortable  " 

"I  don't  see  much  likelihood  of  it,"  said  his  com- 
panion. 

"Why,  look  what  I've  got  for  you,"  said  Rory. 

"  Oh,  that  straw  will  soon  be  sopped  with  rain,  and 
then  we'll  be  as  badly  off  as  before." 

"  But  it's  not  on  sthraw  I'm  depindiu',"  said  Rory; 


HrlBb  TKait  anD  Ibumor  151 

"look  at  this!"  and  he  brandished  one  of  the  grid- 
irons. 

"  I  have  heard  of  stopping  the  tide  with  a  pitch- 
fork," said  the  traveler,  smiling,  "  but  never  of  keep- 
ing out  rain  with  a  gridiron." 

"  Faith,  thin,  I'll  show  you  how  to  do  that  same," 
said  Rory. 

"  Here — sit  up — clap  this  gridiron  undher  you,  and 
you'll  be  tindher  wather  no  longer.  Stop,  sir,  stay  a 
minit — don't  sit  down  on  the  bare  bars  and  be  makin' 
a  beefsteak  o'  yourself ;  here's  a  wisp  o'  sthraw  to 
put  betune  you  and  the  cowld  iron — and  not  a  dhryer 
sate  in  all  Ireland  than  the  same  gridiron." 

The  young  traveler  obeyed,  and  while  he  admired 
the  ingenuity,  could  not  help  laughing  at  the  whimsi- 
cality of  the  contrivance. 

"  You  see  I've  another  for  myself,"  said  Rory,  seat- 
ing himself  in  a  similar  manner  on  his  second  grid- 
iron ;  "  and  now,"  added  he,  "  as  far  as  the  sates  is 
consarned,  it  may  rain  till  doomsday."      [4] 

How  Mike  Nearly  Won  His  Bet! 

Pat  made  a  bet  with  Mike  that  he  could  carry  a  hod 
full  of  bricks  up  three  ladders  to  the  top  of  the 
building,  with  Mike  sitting  on  the  hod.  The  ladders 
were  on  the  outside  of  the  building. 

On  the  third  ladder  Pat  made  a  misstep,  but  caught 
himself  in  time  to  save  Mike  falling  forty  feet  to  the 
stone  sidewalk.  Arriving  at  the  top,  Pat  said: 
"  Begorra,  I've  wan  the  bet." 

"Yis,"  replied  Mike,  "but  whin  ye  shlipped  I 
thought  I  had  ye." 

Why  an  Irishman  Wanted  to  Alter  His  Will 

An  elderly  gentleman  who  knew  something  of  law, 
lived  in  an  Irish  village  where  no  solicitor  had  ever 
penetrated,  and  was  in  the  habit  of  arranging  the 
disputes  of  his  neighbors,  and  making  their  wills. 
At  an  early  hour  one  morning  he  was  aroused  from 
his  slumbers  by  a   loud  knocking   at  his  gate,  and 


152  Urieb  IKIlit  ant)  Ibumor 

putting  his  head  out  of  the  window,  he  asked  who 
was  there. 

"  It's  me,  your  honor— Paddy  Flatherty.  I  could 
not  get  a  wink  of  sleep,  thinking  of  the  will  I  have 
made." 

"What's  the  matter  with  the  will?"  asked  the 
amateur  lawyer. 

"Matter,  indeed!"  replied  Pat;  "  shure,  I've  not 
left  myself  a  three-legged  stool  to  sit  upon." 

How  Letters  are  Addressed  in  Ireland — 
Sometimes 

An  amusing  incident  occurred  at  one  of  the 
large  new  London  hotels.  One  of  the  chambe/- 
maids,  Bridget  Maloney,  in  writing  to  her  friends  in 
Ireland,  used  the  hotel  letter-paper.  Imagine  the 
surprise  of  the  manager  on  finding  a  letter  by  return 
addressed — 

"  Bridget    Maloney,    care   Hotel— all    modern 

improvements — lift.  Tarif?  on  application,  terms 
moderate — London,  England." 

It  was  evident  Bridget's  Irish  friend  was  deter- 
mined the  letter  should  not  miscarry  for  want  of  full 
directions. 

"  No  Visible  Means  of  Support " 

It  is  a  very  sharp  emergency  that  can  catch  Pat, 
even  when  he  is  ignorant  and  ragged.  An  Irishman, 
whose  garments  were  in  tatters,  was  brought  before  a 
magistrate  on  the  charge  that  he  was  a  vagrant,  with 
no  visible  means  of  support.  Pat  drew  from  the 
pocket  of  his  torn  coat  a  loaf  of  bread,  the  half  of  a 
dry  codfish,  and  several  cold  potatoes.  These  he 
spread  upon  the  stand  before  him,  and  coolly  asked  : 
"  What  do  you  think  of  thim,  yer  honor?  Shure,  an' 
isn't  thim  visible  manes  of  support  ?  " 

An  Irish  Comparison 

An  Irish  reporter  lately  described  some  heavy 
drops  of  rain  as  varying  in  size  "  from  a  shilling  to 
eighteenpence. ' ' 


Urisb  Mlt  anD  Ibumor  153 

Shemus  O'Brien 

PART    I 

Jist  after  the  war,  in  the  year  ninet3^-eight, 
As  soon  as  the  boys  were  all  scattered  an'  bate, 
'Tvvas  the  custom,  whenever  a  peasant  was  got, 
To  hang  him  by  trial — barrin'  such  as  was  shot, 
An'  the  martial-law  hangin'  the  lavings  by  night. 
It's  them  was  hard  times  for  the  honest  gossoons; 
If  they  missed  in  the  judges  they'd  meet  the  dragoons  ; 
An'  whether  the  sojers  or  judges  gave  sentence. 
The  divil  a  much  time  they  allowed  for  repentance  • 
An'  many  a  fine  boy  was  then  on  his  keepin'. 
With  small  share  of  restin',  or  sittin',  or  sleepin'  ; 
An'  because  they  loved  Erin,  an'  scorned  to  sell  it, 
A  prey  for  the  bloodhound — a  mark  for  the  bullet — 
Unsheltered  by  night  and  unrested  by  day. 
With  the  heath  for  their  barrack,  revenge  for  their  pay  • 
An'  the  bravest  an'  honestest  boy  of  thim  all 
Was  Shemus  O'Brien,  from  the  town  of  Glingall  ; 
His  limbs  wor  well  set,  an'  his  body  was  light. 
An'  the  keen-fangled  hound  had  not  teeth  half  as  white; 
But  his  face  was  as  pale  as  the  face  of  the  dead, 
An'  his  cheek  never  warmed  with  the  blush  of  the  red  ; 
An'  for  all  that  he  wasn't  an  ugly  young  boy. 
For  the  divil  himself  couldn't  blaze  with  his  eye — 
So  droll  and  sg  wicked,  so  dark  an'  so  bright. 
Like  a  fire  flash  that  crosses  the  depth  of  the  night ; 
An'  he  was  the  best  mower  that  ever  has  been. 
An'  the  elegantest  hurler  that  ever  was  seen  : 
In  fencin'  he  gave  Patrick  Mooney  a  cut. 
An'  in  jumpin'  he  bate  Tom  Malony  a  foot ; 
An'  for  lightness  of  foot  there  was  not  his  peer. 
For,  begorra,  he'd  almost  outrun  the  red  deer; 
An'  his  dancin'  was  such  that  the  men  used  to  stare, 
An'  the  women  turn  crazy,  he  did  it  so  quare ; 
An',  sure,  the  whole  world  gave  in  to  him  there  ! 
An'  it's  he  was  the  boy  that  was  hard  to  be  caught, 
An'  it's  often  he  ran,  an'  it's  often  he  fought. 
An'  it's  many's  the  one  can  remember  right  well 
The  quare  things  he  did  ;  an'  it's  oft  I  heerd  tell 
Hov/  he  frightened  the  magistrates  in  Cahirbally, 


164  txieb  ma  anD  Ibumot 

An'  escaped  through  the  sojers  in  Aherloe  valley, 

An'  leathered  the  yeomen,  himself  agin  four, 

An'  stretched  the  four  strongest  on  old  Galtimore. 

But  the  fox  must  sleep  sometimes,  the  wild  deer  must 

rest, 
An'  treachery  will  prey  on  the  blood  of  the  best ; 
Afther  many  an  action  of  power  an'  of  pride, 
An'  many  a  night  on  the  mountain's  blake  side, 
An'  a  thousand  great  dangers  an'  toils  overpast, 
In  the  darkness  of  night  he  was  taken  at  last. 
Now,  Shemus  !  look  back  on  the  beautiful  moon, 
For  the  door  of  the  prison  must  close  on  you  soon  ; , 
And  take  your  last  look  at  her  dim,  misty  light. 
That  falls  on  the  mountain  an'  valley  to-night — 
One  look  at  the  village,  one  look  at  the  flood, 
An'  one  at  the  sheltering,  far-distant  wood  : 
Farewell  to  the  forest,  farewell  to  the  hill. 
An'  farewell  to  the  friends  that  will  think  of  you  still. 
Farewell  to  the  patthern,  the  hurlin'  and  wake, 
An'  farewell  to  the  girl  that  would  die  for  your  sake ! 
Twelve  sojers  soon  brought  him  to  Maryborough  jail, 
An'  with  irons  secured  him,  refusin'  all  bail, 
The  fleet  limbs  wor  chained   and  the  sthrong  hands 

wor  bound, 
An'  he  lay  down  his  length  on  the  cold  prison  ground  , 
An'  the  dlirames  of  his  childhood  came  over  him  there; 
As  gentle  and  soft  as  the  sweet  summer  air  ; 
An'  happy  remimbrances  crowdin'  on  ever. 
As  fast  as  the  foam-flakes  dhrift  down  on  the  river, 
Bringin'  fresh  to  his  heart  merry  days  long  gone  by. 
Till  the  tears  gathered  heavy  and  thick  in  his  eye. 
But  the  tears  didn't  fall,  for  the  pride  iv  his  heart 
Wouldn't  suffer  one  dhrop  down  his  pale  cheek  to  start, 
An'  he  sprang  to  his  feet  in  the  dark  prison  cave. 
An'  he  swore  with  a  fierceness  that  misery  gave, 
By  the  hopes  iv  the  good  an'  the  cause  iv  the  brave. 
That  when  he  was  mouldering  in  the  cowld  grave. 
His  inimies  never  should  have  it  to  boast 
His  scorn  iv  their  vengeance  one  moment  was  lost. 
His  bosom  might  bleed,  but  his  cheek  should  be  dhry, 
For  undaunted  he'd  lived,  and  undaunted  he'd  die. 


•ffrisb  'Mit  an{)  Ibumoc  155 

PART    II 

Well,  as  soon  as  a  few  weeks  were  over  an'  gone, 

The  terrible  day  of  the  trial  came  on  ; 

There  was  such  a  great  crowd  there  was  scarce  room 

to  stand, 
An'  sojers  on  guard,  an'  dragoons  sword  in  hand  ; 
An'    the    court-house   so   full    that    the    people    were 

bothered  ; 
An'    attorneys    and    criers    on    the    point    of    being 

smothered  ; 
An'  counsellors  almost  gave  over  for  dead, 
An'  the  jury  sittin'  up  in  the  box  overhead, 
An'  the  judge  settled  out  so  determined  an'  big, 
With  the  gown  on  his  back,  an'  an  elegant  wig  ; 
An'  silence  was  called,  an'  the  minit  'twas  said 
The  court  was  as  still  as  the  heart  of  the  dead. 
An'  they  heard  but  the  opening  of  one  prison  lock, 
An'  Shemus  O'Brien  kem  into  the  dock — 
For  one  moment,  he  turned    his    eyes  round  on  the 

throng, 
An'  then  looked  on  the  bars,  so  firm  and  so  strong  ; 
An'  he  saw  that  he  had  not  a  hope  nor  a  friend, 
A  chance  to  escape,  nor  a  word  to  defend  ; 
An'  he  folded  his  arms  as  he  stood  there  alone, 
As  calm  and  as  cold  as  a  statue  of  stone. 
An'  they  read  a  big  writin',  a  yard  long  at  laste, 
An'  Shemus  didn't  see  it,  nor  mind  it  a  taste. 
An'  the  judge  took  a  big  pinch  of  snuff,  an'  he  says  : 
"  Are  you  guilty  or  not,  Jim  O'Brien,  if  you  please?" 
An'  all  held  their  breath  in  the  silence  of  dread. 
An'  Shemus  O'Brien  made  answer  an'  said  : 
"  My  lord,  if  you  ask  me  if  in  my  life-time 
I  thought  any  treason,  or  did  any  crime. 
That  should  call  to  my  cheek,  as  I  stand  alone  here, 
The  hot  blush  of  shame  or  the  coldness  of  fear, 
Though   I  stood    by  the   grave  to  receive  my  death- 
blow. 
Before  God  an'  the  world  I  would  answer  vou  No  ! 
But  if  you  would  ask  me,  as  I  think  it  liRc, 
If  in  the  rebellion  I  carried  a  pike. 
An'   fought   for  ould   Ireland,   from    the  first    to    the 
close, 


156  Urish  mn  atiD  Ibumor 

An'  shed  the  heart's  blood  of  her  bitterest  foes— 
I  answer  you  Yes  ;  an'  I  tell  you  again, 
Though  I  stand  here  to  perish,  it's  my  glory  that  then 
In  her  cause  I  was  willin'  my  veins  should  run  dry, 
An'  now  for  her  sake  I  am  ready  to  die." 

Then    the   silence  was    great  and    the    jury    smiled 

bright. 
An'  the  judge  wasn't  sorry  the  job  was  made  light ; 
By  my  soul,  it's  himself  was  the  crabbed  ould  chap ! 
In  a  twinkling  he  ])ul]ed  on  his  ugly  black  cap. 
Then  Shemus's  mother,  in  the  crowd  standin'  by, 
Called  out  to  the  judge  with  a  pitiful  cry  : 
"  O,  judge,  darlin',  don't— oh  !  don't  say  the  word  ! 
The  craythur  is  young — have  mercy,  my  lord  ! 
You  don't  know  him,  my  lord  ;  oh  !  don't  give  him  to 

ruin  ! 
He  was  foolish — he  didn't  know  what  he  was  doin'  ! 
He's  the  kindliest  craythur,  the  tinderest-hearted  ; 
Don't  part  us  forever,  we  that's  so  long  parted  ! 
Judge    mavourneen,    forgive    him — forgive   him,    my 

lord! 
An'  God  will  forgive  you — oh  !  don't  say  the  word  !  " 

That  was  the  first  minit  O'Brien  was  shaken. 
When  he  saw  he  was  not  quite  forgot  or  forsaken  ! 
An'  down  his  pale  cheek,  at  the  w^ord  of  his  mother, 
The  big  tears  were  running,  one  after  the  other, 
An'  two  or  three  times  he  endeavored  to  spake. 
But  the  strong  manly  voice  used  to  falter  an'  break. 

But    at   last,  by   the   strength    of  his    high-mounting 

pride, 
He  conquered  and  mastered  his  grief's  swelling  tide  ; 
An'  saj^s  he  :   "  Mother,  don't— don't  break  your  poor 

heart. 
Sure,  sooner  or  later,  the  dearest  must  part. 
An'  God  knows  it's  better  than  wand' ring  in  fear 
On  the  bleak  trackless  mountain  among  the  wild  deer, 
To  be  in  the  grave,  where  the  heart,  head,  an'  breast 
From  labor  an'  sorrow  forever  shall  rest. 
Then,  mother,  my  darlin',  don't  cry  any  more — 
Don't  make  me  seem  broken  in  this  my  last  hour ; 
For  I  wish,  when  my  heart's  lyin'  under  the  raven, 


tvieb  Mit  anD  tbumcr  167 

No  true  man  can  say  that  1  died  like  a  craven," 
Then  towards  the  judge  Shemus  bent  down  his  head, 
An'  that  minit  the  solemn  death-sentence  was  said. 

PART    III 

The  mornin'  was  bright,  an'  the  mists  rose  on  high, 
An'  the  lark  whistled  merrily  in  the  clear  sky — 
But  why  are  the  men  standing  idle  so  late  ! 
An'  why  do  the  crowd  gather  fast  in  the  street  ? 
What  come  they  to  talk  of  ? — what  come  they  to  see  ^ 
An'  why  does    the  long  rope    hang  from   the  cross- 
tree  ? 
O,  Shemus  O'Brien,  pray  fervent  an'  fast  ! 
May  the  saints  take  your  soul,  for  this  day  your  last. 
Pray  fast  an'  pray  strong,  for  the  moment  is  nigh. 
When  strong,  proud,  an'  great  as  you  are,  you  must 

die! 
At  last  they  threw  open  the  big  prison  gate, 
An'  out  came  the  sheriffs  an'  sojers  in  state ; 
An'  a  cart  in  the  middle,  an'  Shemus  was  in  it — 
Not  paler,  but  prouder  than  ever  that  minit ; 
An'  as  soon  as  the  people  saw  Shemus  O'Brien, 
Wid  prayin'  and  blessin',  an'  all  the  girls  cryin*, 
A  wild  wailin'  sound  kem  on  all  by  degrees. 
Like  the  sound  of  the  lonesome  wind  blowin'  through 

trees  ; 
On,  on  to  the  gallows  the  sheriffs  are  gone, 
An'  the  cart  an'  the  sojers  go  steadily  on. 
An'  at  every  side  swellin'  around  iv  the  cart, 
A  wild  sorrowful  sound  that  would  open  your  heart. 
Now  under  the  gallows  the  car  takes  its  stand, 
And  the  hangman  gets  up  with  the  rope  in  his  hand. 
An'    the  priest   havin'  blest    him,   gets   down  on  the 

ground  ; 
An'  Shemus  O'Brien  throws  one  look  around. 
Then  the  hangman  drew  near,  and  the  people  grew 

still. 
Young  faces  turn  sickly,  an'  warm  hearts  turn  chill ; 
An'  the  rope  bein'  ready,  his  neck  was  made  bare. 
For  the  gripe  of  the  life-strangling  cords  to  prepare  ; 
And  the  good  priest  has  left  him,  havin'  said  his  last 
prayer. 


158  Hcisb  Mit  anD  tbumor 

But  the  good  priest  did  more — for  his  hands  he  un- 
bound, 
And  with  one  daring  spring,  Jim  has  leaped  to  the 

ground  ; 
Bang,  bang,  go  the  carbines  !  an'  clash  go  the  sabres ; 
He's  not  down  !  he's  alive  !  now  attend  to  him,  neigh- 
bors ! 
By  one  shout  from  the  people  the  heavens  are  shaken — 
One  shout  that  the  dead  of  the  world  might  awaken. 
Your  swords  they  may  glitter,  and   your  carbines  go 

bang  ! 
But   if    you   want   hangin'   'tis   yourselves  you   must 

hang  ! 
To-night  he'll  be  sleepin'  in  Aherloe  glin. 
An'  the  divil's  in  the  dice  if  you  catch  him  agin. 
The  sojers  run  this  way,  the  sheriffs  run  that. 
And  Father  Malone  lost  his  new  Sunday  hat : 
An'  the  sheriffs  were,  both  of  them,  punished  severely, 
An'    fined    like    the    divil,    because    Jim    done  them 
fairly.     [i6] 

Consoling  Himself  With  the  Remembrance  ot 
Former  Mirth 
Paddy  has  a  great  power  of  enjoyment  after  all. 
One  day  he  saw  a  bull  attack  a  man,  and  he»  had  to 
hold  on  his  sides  with  both  hands,  the  scene  was  so 
funny.  After  a  time  the  animal  turned  his  attention 
in  another  direction,  and  poor  Pat,  after  exploring  the 
heights,  came  down  with  a  thump  on  the  other  side  of 
the  fence.  He  rubbed  his  wounds,  and  as  he  said  to 
himself,  "  Faith,  I'm  glad  I  had  my  laugh  when  I  did, 
or  I  wouldn't  have  had  it  at  all,  at  all." 

An  Irish  Method  of  Helping  a  Strike 

Mrs.  O  Doyle:  "Top  of  the  mornin'  till  ye,  Mrs. 
Grady.     Is  Mr.  Grady  sick  ?  " 

M}'s.  Grady  :  "  Never  a  bit.  It's  sympathy  for  the 
coal  strikers,  that's  all." 

"  How  is  that,  Mrs.  Grady?  " 

"  Not  a  lump  of  coal  will  he  handle  while  the 
stroike  lasts.  So  I  hav'  to  build  the  fire  meself,  bad 
luck  to  it." 


irr(6b  mit  anO  Ibumor  169 

"  Call  for  'Ah  Song  ! '  " 

An  Irishman,  a  newl}^  appointed  crier  in  the  county 
court  in  Australia,  where  there  are  many  Chinese, 
was  ordered  by  the  judge  to  summon  a  witness  to  the 
stand. 

"  Call  for  Ah  Song  !  "  was  the  command. 

Pat  was  puzzled  for  a  moment.  He  glanced  slyly 
at  the  judge,  and  found  him  as  grave  as  an  under- 
taker. Then,  turning  to  the  spectators,  he  blandly 
simpered  : 

"  Gentlemen,  would  any  of  you  favor  his  honor 
with  a  song?  " 

Invalided  by  His  Washerwoman 

Miss  Georgie  St.  Clare,  after  spending  two  hours 
in  dressing  for  the  opera  the  other  evening,  was 
thrown  into  hysterics  on  the  arrival  of  the  following 
note  in  a  dainty  cream-tinted  envelope,  with  a  big 
red  seal  plastered  all  over  the  back  of  it  : 

"  Dear  Miss  St.  Clare  :  I  regret  exceedingly  that 
a  sudden  and  very  severe  illness  confines  me  to  my 
room,  so  that  I  am  unable  to  keep  my  engagement 
with  you  this  evening.  My  physician  positively  for- 
bids my  going  out  for  a  week.  Regretfully  yours,  A. 
Lilly."  - 

The  "  physician  "  who  issued  this  "positive  order" 
was  Mrs.  Bridget  O'Callahan.  She  arrived  at  Mr. 
Lilly's  room  at  7  p.  m.,  with  a  bundle  under  one 
arm. 

"  Ah,  my  good  woman,"  said  Mr.  Lilly,  kindly,  "  1 
was  awfully  afraid  you'd  not  get  here  in  time.  Just 
lay  the  bundle  on  the  table." 

"  Faith,  thin,  an'  Oi'll  not,  young  man." 

"You'll  not?  " 

"  Oi  will  not,  until  Oi'm  paid  the  tin  shillin's  yez 
owes  me  up  to  this  noight." 

"  My  good  woman,  haven't  I  told  you ?  " 

"  Ye've  tould  me  ye'd  pay  me  iv'ry  wake  for  a 
month,  an'  Oi'll  have  me  money  this  noight,  or  yer 
shirt  goes  back  to  me  laundhry." 

"  See  here,  woman,  I'm  going  to  the  opera  in  full 
dress  to-night,  and " 


160  Urisb  mit  anD  Ibumor 

"  Ye'll  go  widout  a  shirt,  then,  or  pay  me  now." 

"  Drop  that  bundle  and  get  out  !  " 

"  Oi'll  not  dhrop  the  bundle,  sor ;  but  Oi'll  get  out 
fast  enough,  sor,  an'  the  shirt'll  go  wid  me,  sor !  " 

And  it  did.  And  that  is  why  Mr.  Lilly  stayed  at 
home  with  two  ball-tickets  for  the  opera  in  his 
pocket. 

A  Glass  for  the  Other  Man,  Too 

"  How  do  you  like  that  whiskey,  Pat  ?  " 

*'  Shure,  your  honor,  it  has  made  another  man  of 
me,  an'  that  other  man  would  like  a  glass,  too." 

Too  Late  for  the  Fair 

A  Kerry  boy,  a  born  artist  in  the  use  of  the  national 
maul-stick— the  shillelagh— having  been  arrested  for 
damaging  the  skull  of  a  compatriot,  an  old  bald- 
headed  man,  who  would  not  charge  him  with  the 
assault,  was  asked  by  the  magistrate :  "  Are  you  not 
ashamed  to  have  half  killed  this  old  man,  who  will 
not  even  give  information  against  you  ;  had  you  any 
ill-will  against  him  ?  " 

"  Oh,  none  at  all,  yer  honor  !  I  never  seen  him 
before  to-day." 

"  Then  what  made  you  do  it  ?  " 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  yer  honor  the  truth.  Ye  see,  I  came 
late  to  the  fair.  Luck  was  agin  me,  for  all  the  fightin' 
was  over;  so,  as  I  was  struttin'  about  lookin'  for 
some  boy  to  cross  a  stick  wid,  I  see  this  man's  head 
poked  out  of  a  slit  of  the  tent  that  he  might  cool  it ; 
and  it  looked  so  purty,  that  for  the  sowl  of  me  I 
couldn't  help  hittin'  the  blow." 

O'Connell  and  Lord  Shrewsbury 
"My  lord,  I  love  the  Jesuits—  I  admire  the  Jesu'ts 
—the  greatest  benefactors  to  religion  and  to  literature 
that  the  world  ever  saw.  There  is  a  shrewd  compact- 
ness in  the  way  they  embody  common  sense  greatly 
to  be  prized.  One  of  their  maxims  is,  '  T/ial  there  is 
no  theologian  so  dangerous  to  religion  as  a  very 
pious  fool.'  The  Jesuit  who  uses  this  phrase  does 
not  intend  personal  offence  to  any  individual ;  nor 
certainly  do  I  !  I  use  the  expression  not  as  a  descrip- 


Urisb  limit  anO  Ibumoc  161 

tion  or  designation,  but  admitting  to  the  fullest  your 
lordship's  piety,  I  give  it  as  a  warning.  Do,  my  lord, 
I  implore  you,  beware  how  you  mix  up  foolishness 
with  your  sentiments  of  devotion."      [17] 

How  Mike's  Father   Guarded  the  Bank 

"  Them's  beautiful  streets,  anyhow,"  said  Mike 
to  his  master  as  they  were  driving  from  Cork  to  Fer- 
moy,  "  av  they  wasn't  kept  so  dirty,  and  the  houses 
so  dark,  and  the  pavement  bad.  That's  Mr.  Beamish 
—that  fine  house  there,  with  the  brass  rapper  and  the 
green  lamp  beside  it;  and  there's  the  hospital— faix, 
and  there's  the  place  we  beat  the  police,  when  I  was 
here  before  ;  and  the  house  with  the  sign  of  the  High- 
landers thrown  down  ;  and  what's  the  big  building 
there  with  the  stone  posts  at  the  door  ?  " 

"  The  bank,  sir,"  said  the  postilion,  with  a  most 
deferential  air,  as  Mike  addressed  him. 

"  What  bank,  acushla?" 

"  Not  a  one  of  me  knows,  sir  ;  but  they  call  it  the 
bank,  though  it's  only  an  empty  house." 

"  Gary  and  Moore's  bank,  perhaps,"  said  Mike's 
master,  having  heard  that  in  days  long  passed  some 
such  names  had  failed  in  Cork  for  a  large  amount. 

*'  So  it  is  ;  your  honor's  right,"  cried  the  postilion, 
while  Mike,  standing  up  on  the  box,  and  menacing 
the  house  with  his  clenched  fist,  shouted  out  at  the 
very  top  of  his  voice  : 

"  Oh,  bad  luck  to  your  cobwebbed  windows  and 
iron  railings  !  sure,  it's  my  father's  son  ought  to  hate 
the  sight  of  you." 

"  I  hope,  Mike,  your  father  never  trusted  his  prop- 
erty in  such  hands  ?  " 

"  I  don't  suspect  he  did,  your  honor  ;  he  never  put 
much  belief  in  the  banks,  but  the  house  cost  him  dear 
enough  without  that.  But  maybe  it's  not  Cary  and 
Moore's,  after  all ;  and  I'm,  maybe,  cursing  decent 
people." 

Having  been  reassured  in  his  mind  by  being  told 
that  the  reservation  he  made  by  the  doubt  would  tell 
in  their  favor  should  he  prove  mistaken,  he  afforded 
the  following  information. 

11 


162  ird0b  Wiit  atiD  Ibumor 

"  When  my  father — the  heavens  be  his  bed — was  in 
the  '  Cork/  they  put  him  one  night  on  guard  at  that 
same  big  house  you  just  passed— av  it  was  the  same  ; 
but  av  it  wasn't  that  it  was  another— and  it  was  a 
beautiful  fine  night  in  August  and  the  moon  up,  and 
plenty  of  people  walking  about,  and  all  kinds  of  fun 
and  devilment  going  on — drinking,  and  dancing,  and 
everything. 

"  Well,  my  father  was  stuck  up  there,  with  his 
musket,  to  walk  up  and  down,  and  not  say  '  God  save 
you  kindly,'  or  the  time  of  day,  or  anything,  but  just 
march  as  if  he  was  in  the  barrack  yard  ;  and  by 
reason  of  his  being  the  man  he  was  he  didn't  like  it 
half,  but  kept  cursing  and  swearing  to  himself  like 
mad  when  he  saw  pleasant  fellows  and  pretty  girls 
going  by,  laughing  and  joking. 

"  '  Good  evening,  Mickey,'  says  one  ;  '  fine  sport  ye 
have  all  to  yourself,  with  your  long  feather  in  your 
cap.' 

"  '  Arrah,  look  how  proud  he  is,'  says  another,  '  with 
his  head  up  as  if  he  didn't  see  a  body.' 

"  '  Shoulder  too  ! '  cried  a  drunken  chap  with  a 
shovel  in  his  hand  ;  they  all  began  laughing  away  at 
my  father. 

"  '  Let  the  decent  man  alone,'  said  an  old  fellow 
in  a  wig  ;  '  isn't  he  guarding  the  bank  wid  all  the 
money  in  it  ?  ' 

"  '  Faix,  he  isn't,'  says  another,  'for  there's  none 
left.' 

"  *  What's  that  you're  saying  ?  '  says  my  father. 

"  '  Just  that  the  bank's  broke,  devil  a  more,'  says  he. 

"  '  And  there's  no  goold  in  it  ? '  says  my  father. 

"  *  Devil  a  guinea.' 

"  '  Nor  silver?' 

" '  No,  nor  silver ;  not  as  much  as  a  sixpence, 
either.' 

"  '  Didn't  ye  hear  that  all  yesterday,  when  the 
people  was  coming  in  with  their  notes,  the  chaps  there 
were  heating  the  guineas  in  a  frying-pan,  pretending 
they  were  making  them  as  fast  as  they  could  ;  and 
sure,  when  they  had  a  batch  red-hot  they  spread  them 
out  to  cool ;  and  what  betune  the  hating  and  the  cool- 


Urisb  Mlt  anD  Ibumor  163 

ing,  and  the  burning  the  fingers  counting  them,  they 
kept  the  bank  open  to  three  o'clock,  and  then  they 
ran  away.' 

"  '  Is  it  truth  ye're  telling?  '   says  my  father. 

"  '  Sorra  word  o'  lie  in  it !  myself  had  two-and-four- 
pence  of  their  notes.' 

"  '  And  so  they're  broke,'  says  my  father  ;  '  and 
nothing  left.' 

"  '  Not  a  brass  fatheen.' 

"  '  And  what  am  I  staying  here  -or  I  wonder,  if 
there's  nothing  to  guard  ! ' 

"  '  Faix,  if  it  isn't  for  the  pride  of  t  le  thing * 

"  '  Oh,  sorra  taste.' 

"  '  Well,  maybe  for  divarsion.' 

"  '  Nor  that  either.' 

"'Faix!  then,  you're  a  droll  nif.n  to  spend  the 
evening  that  way,'  says  he,  and  all  the  crowd — for 
there  was  a  crowd — said  the  same.  So  with  that  my 
father  unscrewed  his  bayonet,  and  ;:ut  his  piece  on 
his  shoulder,  and  walked  on  to  his  be  1  in  the  barrack 
as  peaceable  as  need  be.  But,  well,  when  they  came 
to  relieve  him  wasn't  there  a  raal  commotion  ?  and, 
faith,  you  see,  it  went  mighty  hard  with  my  father  the 
next  morning  ;  for  the  bank  opened  just  as  usual,  and 
my  father  was  sentenced  to  fifty  lashes,  but  got  off 
with  a  week  in  prison,  and  three  more  rowling  a  big 
stone  ill  the  barrack-yard,      [i] 

Amateur  Acting  and  What  It  Led  To 
Harry  Lorrequer's  regiment  was  once  quartered  in 
Cork,  and  he  and  some  of  his  brother  officers  on  one 
occasion  played  "Othello,"  and  invited  the  elite  of 
the  city  to  witness  it,  and  included  his  colonel,  who 
had  taken  a  great  dislike  to  Lorrequer,  among  the 
invited.  In  giving  an  account  of  the  performance  and 
after,  he  says  :  "  By  universal  consent  I  was  preferred 
to  Kean  (Lorrequer  had  personated  Othello)  ;  and  the 
only  fault  the  most  critical  observer  could  find  with 
the  representative  of  Desdemona  (the  senior  lieuten- 
ant of  the  regiment)  was  a  rather  unladylike  fondness 
for  snuff. 

"  But  whatever  little    demerits  our   acting   might 


164  ftfeb  Mlt  anD  l)umor 

have  displayed,  were  speedily  forgotten  in  a  cham- 
pagne supper.  There  I  took  the  head  of  the  table ; 
and  in  the  costume  of  the  noble  Moor,  toasted,  made 
speeches,  returned  thanks,  and  sang  songs,  till  I 
might  have  exclaimed  with  Othello  himself,  '  Chaos  is 
come  again  '  ;  and  I  believe  I  owe  my  ever  reaching 
the  barrack  that  night  to  the  kind  offices  of  Desde- 
mona,  who  carried  me  the  greater  part  of  the  way  on 
her  back. 

"  The  first  waking  thoughts  of  him  who  has  in- 
dulged overnight,  are  not  among  the  most  blissful  of 
existence,  and  certainly  the  pleasure  is  not  increased 
by  the  consciousness  that  he  is  called  on  to  the  dis- 
charge of  duties  to  which  a  fevered  pulse  and  throb- 
bing temples  are  but  ill-suited.  My  sleep  was 
suddenly  broken  in  upon  the  morning  after  the  play 
by  a  *  row-dow-dow,'  beat  beneath  my  window.  I 
jumped  up  hastily  from  my  bed  and  looked  out,  and 
there,  to  my  horror,  perceived  the  regiment  under 
arms.  It  was  one  of  our  confounded  colonel's  morn- 
ing drills  ;  and  there  he  stood  himself,  with  the  poor 
adjutant,  who  had  been  up  all  night,  shivering  beside 
him.  Some  two  or  three  of  the  officers  had  descended  ; 
and  the  drum  was  now  summoning  the  others  as  it 
beat  round  the  barrack-square.  I  saw  there  was  not 
a  moment  to  lose,  and  proceeded  to  dress  with  all 
despatch  ;  but,  to  my  misery,  I  discovered  everywhere 
nothing  but  theatrical  robes  and  decorations — there, 
lay  a  splendid  turban,  here,  a  pair  of  buskins — a 
spangled  jacket  glittered  on  one  table,  and  a  jewelled 
scimetar  on  the  other.  At  last  I  detected  my  '  regi- 
mental small-clothes,'  most  ignominiously  thrown  into 
a  corner  in  my  ardor  for  my  Moorish  robes  of  the 
previous  evening. 

"  I  dressed  myself  with  all  possible  speed  ;  but  as 
I  proceeded  in  my  occupation,  guess  my  annoyance 
to  find  that  the  toilet-table  and  glass,  ay,  and  even 
the  basin-stand,  had  been  removed  to  the  dressing- 
room  of  the  theatre ;  and  my  servant,  I  suppose,  fol- 
lowing his  master's  example,  was  too  tipsy  to 
remember  to  bring  them  back,  so  that  I  was  unable  to 
procure    the    luxury    of   cold    water— for    now    not   a 


ITdsb  Mit  anD  Ibumor  165 

moment  remained,  the  drum  had  ceased,  and  the  men 
had  all  fallen  in.  Hastily  drawing  on  my  coat,  I  put 
on  my  shako,  and  buckling  on  my  belt,  as  dandy-like 
as  might  be,  hurried  down  the  stairs  to  the  barrack- 
yard.  By  the  time  I  got  down,  the  men  were  all 
drawn  up  in  line  along  the  square,  while  the 
adjutant  was  proceeding  to  examine  their  accoutre- 
ments, as  he  passed  down.  The  colonel  and  the 
officers  were  standing  in  a  group  but  not  conversing. 
The  anger  of  the  commanding  officer  appeared  still  to 
continue,  and  there  was  a  dead  silence  maintained  on 
both  sides.  To  reach  the  spot  where  they  stood  I  had 
to  pass  along  part  of  the  line.  In  doing  so,  how  shall 
I  convey  my  amazement  at  the  faces  that  met  me — a 
general  titter  ran  along  the  entire  rank,  which  not 
even  their  fears  for  consequences  seemed  able  to 
repress — for  an  effort  on  the  part  of  many,  to  stifle  the 
laugh,  only  ended  in  a  still  louder  burst  of  merriment. 
I  looked  to  the  far  side  of  the  yard  for  an  explanation, 
but  there  was  nothing  there  to  account  for  it.  I  now 
crossed  over  to  where  the  officers  were  standing, 
determining  in  my  own  mind  to  investigate  the  occur- 
rence thoroughly,  when  free  from  the  presence  of  the 
colonel,  to  whom  any  representation  of  ill  conduct 
always  brought  a  punishment  far  exceeding  the  merits 
of  the  case. 

"  Scarcely  had  I  formed  the  resolve,  when  I  reached 
the  group  of  officers,  but  the  moment  I  came  near, 
one  general  roar  of  laughter  saluted  me,  the  like  of 
which  I  never  before  heard.  I  looked  down  at  my 
costume,  expecting  to  discover  that,  in  my  hurry  to 
dress,  I  had  put  on  some  of  the  garments  of  Othello. 
No — all  was  perfectly  correct.  I  waited  for  a 
moment,  till,  the  first  burst  of  their  merriment  over, 
I  should  obtain  a  clue  to  the  jest.  But  there  seemed 
no  prospect  of  this,  for,  as  I  stood  patiently  before 
them,  their  mirth  appeared  to  increase.     Indeed,  poor 

G ,  the  senior  major,  one  of  the  gravest  men  in 

Europe,  laughed  till  the  tears  ran  down  his  cheeks  ;  and 
such  was  the  effect  upon  me,  that  I  was  induced  to 
laugh,  too — as  men  will  sometimes,  from  the  infectious 
nature  of  that  strange  emotion— but,  no  sooner  did  I 


166  1ln<?b  limit  an5  Ibumor 

do  this,  than  their  fun  knew  no  bounds,  and  some 
almost  screamed  aloud  in  the  excess  of  their  merri- 
ment. Just  at  this  moment  the  colonel,  who  had  been 
examining  some  of  the  men,  approached  our  group, 
advancing  with  an  air  of  evident  displeasure,  as  the 
shouts  of  loud  laughter  continued.  As  he  came  up  I 
turned  hastilj'  and,  touching  my  cap,  wished  him  good 
morning.  Never  shall  I  forget  the  look  he  gave  me. 
If  a  glance  could  have  annihilated  any  man  his  would 
have  finished  me.  For  a  moment  his  face  became 
purple  with  rage,  his  eye  was  almost  hid  beneath  his 
bent  brow,  and  he  absolutely  shook  with  passion. 

"  '  Go,  sir,'  said  he,  at  length,  as  soon  as  he  was 
able  to  find  utterance  for  his  words  ;  'go,  sir,  to  your 
quarters  ;  and  before  you  leave  them,  a  court-martial 
shall  decide  if  such  continued  insult  to  your  com- 
manding officer  warrants  your  name  being  in  the 
Army  List.' 

"  '  What  the  devil  can  all  this  mean  ?  '  I  said  in  a 
half-whisper,  turning  to  the  others.  But  there  they 
stood,  their  handkerchiefs  in  their  mouths,  and  evi- 
dently choking  with  suppressed  laughter. 

"  '  May  I  beg.  Colonel  Garden ,'  said  I. 

"  '  To  your  quarters,  sir  ! '  roared  the  litttle  man,  in 
the  voice  of  a  lion.  And,  with  a  haughty  wave  of  the 
hand,  he  prevented  all  further  attempt  on  my  part  to 
seek  explanation. 

"'They're  all  mad,  every  man  of  them,'  I  mut- 
tered, as  I  betook  myself  slowly  back  to  my  rooms, 
amid  the  same  evidences  of  mirth  my  first  appearance 
had  excited— which  even  the  colonel's  presence  could 
not  entirely  subdue. 

"With  the  air  of  a  martyr,  I  trod  heavily  up  the 
stairs,  and  entered  my  quarters,  meditating  within 
myself  awful  schemes  of  vengeance  on  the  now  open 
tyranny  of  my  colonel — upon  whom  I,  too,  in  my 
honest  rectitude  of  heart,  vowed  to  have  a  '  court- 
martial.'  I  threw  myself  upon  a  chair,  and  endeavored 
to  recollect  what  circumstance  of  the  past  evening 
could  have  possibly  suggested  all  the  mirth  in  which 
both  officers  and  men  seemed  to  participate  equally  ; 
but  nothing  could  I  remember  capable  of  solving  the 


Hrfsb  m\t  anD  Ibumor  167 

mystery.  Surely,  the  cruel  wrongs  of  the  manly 
Othello  were  no  laughter-moving  subject. 

"  I  rang  the  bell  hastily  for  my  servant.  The  door 
opened. 

"  '  Stubbes,'  said  I,  '  are  you  aware ' 

"  I  had  only  got  so  far  in  my  question,  when  my 
servant,  one  of  the  most  discreet  men,  put  on  a  broad 
grin  and  turned  away  towards  the  door  to  hide  his 
face. 

"  '  What  the  devil  does  this  mean  ? '  said  I,  stamp- 
ing with  passion  ;  '  he  is  as  bad  as  the  rest.  Stubbes,' 
— and  this  I  spoke  with  the  most  severe  and  grave 
tone — '  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  insolence?  ' 

"  '  Oh,  sir  !  '  said  the  man,  '  oh,  sir !  surely  you  did 
not  appear  on  parade  with  that  face?'  and  then  he 
burst  into  a  fit  of  the  most  uncontrollable  laughter. 

"Like  lightning,  a  horrid  doubt  shot  across  my 
mind.  I  sprang  over  to  the  looking-glass,  which  had 
been  replaced,  and  oh  !  horror  of  horrors  !  there  I 
stood,  as  black  as  the  king  of  Ashantee.  The  cursed 
dye  which  I  had  put  on  for  Othello,  I  had  never 
washed  off — and  there,  with  a  huge  bearskin  shako 
and  a  pair  of  dark  bushy  whiskers,  shone  my  huge 
black  and  polished  visage,  glowering  at  itself  in  the 
looking-glass. 

"  My  first  impulse,  after  amazement  had  a  little 
subsided,  was  to  laugh  immoderately;  in  this  I  was 
joined  by  Stubbes,  who,  feeling  that  his  mirth  vras 
participated  in,  gave  full  vent  to  his  risibility.  And, 
indeed,  as  I  stood  before  the  glass,  grinning  from  ear 
to  ear,  I  felt  very  little  surprise  that  my  joining  in  the 
laughter  of  my  brother  officers,  a  short  time  before, 
had  caused  such  an  increase  in  their  merriment.  I 
threw  myself  upon  a  sofa,  and  absolutely  laughed  till 
my  sides  ached,  when,  the  door  opening,  the  adjutant 
made  his  appearance.  He  looked  for  a  moment  at 
me,  then  at  Stubbes,  and  then  burst  out  himself,  as 
loud  as  either  of  us.  When  he  had  at  length  recov- 
ered himself,  he  wiped  his  face  with  his  handkerchief, 
and  said,  with  a  tone  of  much  gravity  : 

"  '  But,  my  dear  Lorrequer,  this  will  be  a  serious— 
a  devilish  serious  affair.      You  know  what  kind  of 


168  Irifc'b  XClit  anD  l3umot 

man  Colonel  Garden  is ;  and  you  are  aware,  too^  you 
are  not  one  of  his  prime  favorites.  He  is  firmly  per- 
suaded that  you  intended  to  insult  him,  and  nothing 
will  convince  him  to  the  contrary.  We  told  him  how 
it  must  have  occurred,  but  he  will  listen  to  no 
explanation.' 

"I  thought  for  one  second  before  I  replied.  My 
mind,  with  the  practiced  rapidity  of  an  old  cam- 
paigner, took  in  all  the  pros  and  cons  of  the  case;  I 
saw  at  a  glance  it  were  better  to  brave  the  anger  of 
the  colonel,  come  in  what  shape  it  might,  than  be  the 
laughing-stock  of  the  mess  for  life,  and  with  a  face  of 
the  greatest  gravity  and  self-possession,  said  : 

"  '  Well,  adjutant,  the  colonel  is  right.  It  was  no 
mistake  !  You  know  I  sent  him  tickets  yesterday  for 
the  theatre.  Well,  he  returned  them  ;  this  did  not 
annoy  me,  but  on  one  account ;  I  had  made  a  wager 
with  Alderman  Gullable  that  the  colonel  should  see 
me  in  Othello.  What  was  to  be  done?  Don't  you 
see,  now,  there  was  only  one  course,  and  I  took  it, 
old  boy,  and  have  won  my  bet ! ' 

"  '  And  lost  your  commission  for  a  dozen  of 
champagne,  I  suppose,'  said  the  adjutant. 

"  '  Never  mind,  my  dear  fellow,'  I  replied  ;  *  I  shall 
get  out  of  this  scrape  as  I  have  done  many  others.' 

"  *  But  what  do  you  intend  doing?' 

"  '  Oh,  as  to  that,'  said  I,  '  I  shall,  of  course,  wait 
on  the  colonel  immediately  ;  pretend  to  him  that  it 
was  a  mere  blunder  from  the  inattention  of  my  ser- 
vant— hand  over  Stubbes  to  the  powers  that  punish  ' 
(here  the  poor  fellow  winced  a  little)  '  and  make  my 
peace  as  well  as  I  can.  But,  adjutant,  mind,'  said  I, 
'and  give  the  real  version  to  all  our  fellows,  and  tell 
them  to  make  it  public  as  much  as  they  please.' 

"  '  Never  fear,'  said  he,  as  he  left  the  room,  still 
laughing,  'they  shall  all  know  the  true  story;  but  I 
wish  with  all  my  heart  you  were  well  out  of  it.' 

"  I  now  lost  no  time  in  making  my  toilet,  and  pre- 
sented myself  at  the  colonel's  quarters.  It  is  no 
pleasure  for  me  to  recount  these  passages  in  my  life, 
in  which  I  have  had  to  bear  the  '  proud  man's  con- 
tumely.'    I  shall,  therefore,  merely  observe,  that  after 


f  d0b  ma  anJ)  Ibumor  it>9 

a  very  long  interview,  the  colonel  accepted  my  apolo- 
gies, and  we  parted. 

"  Before  a  week  elapsed,  the  story  had  gone  far  and 
near ;  every  dinner-table  in  Cork  had  laughed  at  it. 
As  for  me,  I  attained  immortal  honor  for  my  tact  and 
courage.  Poor  Gullable  readily  agreed  to  favor  the 
story,  and  gave  us  a  dinner  as  the  lost  wager,  and  the 
colonel  was  so  unmercifully  quizzed  on  the  subject, 
and  such  broad  allusions  to  his  being  humbugged 
were  given  in  the  Cork  papers,  that  he  was  obliged 
to  negotiate  a  change  of  quarters  with  another  regi- 
ment, to  get  out  of  the  continual  jesting,  and  in  less 
than  a  month  we  marched  to  Limerick,  to  relieve,  as 
it  was  reported,  the  Ninth,  ordered  for  foreign  service, 
but,  in  reality,  only  to  relieve  Lieut. -Colonel  Carden, 
quizzed  beyond  endurance." 

An  Insinuating  Servant 
Hopeful  Youth:  "Is  Miss  De  Cash  in?' 
Serva}it :  "  Yis,  sor." 
Hopeful  Youth:  Is  she  engaged?" 
Set-'ant  :  "  Yis,  sor  ;  but  he  isn't  here  this  evenin'. 
Come  in." 

Irish  Peasants  and  a  Coroner's  Verdict 

The  following  is  a  discussion  between  some  Irish 
peasants  respecting  a  murder  and  the  coroner's 
inquest : 

"  'Twas  a  schoolmaster,  that  was  found  dead  on 
the  road  one  morning  with  his  head  full  of  fractions," 
said  a  widow. 

"All  in  jommethry,"*  said  Larry. 

"And  some  said  he  fell  off  the  horse,"  said  the 
widow. 

"  And  more  say  the  horse  fell  on  him,"  said  Larry. 

"  And  again  there  were  some  said  the  horse  kicked 
him  in  the  head,"  said  the  widow. 

"  And  there  were  talk  of  the  shoe-aside,"  said 
Larry. 


*  Anything  very  badly  broken  is  said  by  the  Irish  peasantry  to 
be  in  "  jommethry." 


170  Urisb  imilt  anD  f)umor 

"  The  horse's  shoe  was  it  ?  "  asked  Oonah. 

"No,  alanna,"  said  Larry;  "shoe-aside  is  the 
Latin  for  cutting  your  throat." 

"  But  he  didn't  cut  his  throat,"  said  the  widow. 

"  But,  sure,  it's  all  one  whether  he  did  it  with  a 
razhir  on  his  throat,  or  a  hammer  on  his  head  ;  it's 
shoe-aside  all  the  same." 

"But  there  was  no  hammer  found,  was  there?" 
said  the  widow. 

"No,"  said  Larry;  "but  some  people  thought  he 
might  have  hid  the  hammer  afther  he  done  it,  to  take 
off  the  disgrace  of  the  shoe-aside." 

"  But  wasn't  there  any  life  in  him  when  ue  was 
found?  " 

"  Not  a  taste.  The  crowner's  jury  sot  on  him,  and 
he  never  said  a  word  agin  it,  and  if  he  was  alive  he 
would." 

"And  didn't  they  find  anything  at  all?"  said 
Oonah. 

"  Nothing  but  the  vardict,"  said  Larry. 

"  And  was  that  what  killed  him  ?"  said  Oonah. 

"  No,  my  dear,  it  was  the  crack  in  the  head  that 
killed  him,  however  he  kem  by  it ;  but  the  vardict  of 
the  crowner  was,  that  it  was  done,  and  that  some  one 
did  it,  and  that  they  wor  blackguards,  whoever  they 
wor,  and  persons  onknown  ;  and  sure  if  they  wor 
onknown  then,  they'd  always  stay  so,  for  who'd 
know  them  after  doing  the  like  ?  " 

Killing  Wrath  By  Criticism 
A  well-known  clergyman  tells  the  following  story 
against  himself:  "  I  was  writing  by  my  study  win- 
dow, and  a  little  Irish  child  was  busying  himself  by 
throwing  beans  at  the  window.  Losing  all  patience, 
I  rushed  out  of  the  house,  determined  to  frighten  the 
boy. 

"  It  happened  that  his  mother  was  coming  after 
him  at  the  same  moment,  and  we  met  by  his  side.  I 
stormed  at  the  child,  and  then,  as  the  mother  seemed 
excessively  stupid,  I  gave  her  a  piece  of  my  mind. 
Finally,  as  a  grand  and  overwhelming  conclusion  to 
my  scolding,  I  said  :    '  A  little  discipline  now  with 


Itleb  'QClit  anD  fbumor  171 

your  children  will  save  you  much  pain,  if  not  disgrace, 
in  the  future.  Think  of  that,  madam  ;  that  is,  if  you 
ever  do  think.' 

"  '  Think,  is  it ! '  she  replied  ;  '  I  think  if  you  d  go 
back  to  your  bed-room,  and  wipe  the  ink  aff  av  your 
nose  you'd  be  prettier,  even  if  you  didn't  make  so 
much  av  a  sensation.'  It  was  not  a  soft  answer,  but 
it  had  the  effect  of  turning  away  wrath." 

To  My  First  Love 
I  remember 

Meeting  you 
In  September 

Sixty-two. 
We  were  eating. 

Both  of  us  ; 
And  the  meeting 

Happened  thus  : 
Accidental, 

On  the  road  ; 
(Sentimental 

Episode.) 
I  was  gushing. 

You  were  shy  ; 
You  were  blushing, 

So  was  I. 
I  was  smitten, 

So  were  you. 
(All  that's  written 

Here  is  true.) 
Any  money? 

Not  a  bit. 
Rather  funny, 

Wasn't  it? 
Vows  we  plighted 

Happy  pair  ! 
How  delighted 

People  were  ! 
But  your  father. 

To  be  sure, 
Thought  it  rather 
Premature ; 


172  Urisb  TlCllt  atiD  Ibumoi: 

And  your  mother 
Strange  to  say, 

Was  another 
In  the  way. 

What  a  heaven 
Vanished  then  ! 

(You  were  seven, 
I  was  ten.) 

That  was  many 
Years  ago — 

Don't  let  any- 
body know.      [19] 

The  Humors  of  the  Parnell  Commission 

There  were  some  truly  amusing  incidents  between 
the  counsel  for  the  prosecution,  in  the  Parnell  Com- 
mission, and  some  of  the  witnesses  who  had  been 
summoned  to  give  evidence  in  support  of  the  charges. 
W^hether  the  answers  given  were  designed  to  produce 
the  effect  which  resulted,  or  not,  it  is  certain  that 
greater  deftness  in  avoiding  giving  the  answer  that 
was  sought,  while  at  the  same  time  giving  an  answer 
that  could  not  exactly  be  termed  hostile,  although 
looking  suspiciously  like  it,  could  not  be  imagined. 
The  following  are  some  examples  of  Paddy's  fencing 
with  Sir  R.  Webster  and  his  colleagues  : 

"  Do  you  know  any  of  the  men  who  wrecked  your 
house  ?  " 

"  Shure,  an'  I  do." 

"  What  are  their  names?  " 

"  Their  names,  is  it  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"Shure,  all  the  shorthand  writers  in  the  world 
couldn't  put  their  names  down,  there  was  so  many 
ov  'em." 


Stand  up,  sir,"  said  the  counsel ;  "  are  you  tired  ? 
I  am,  that — av  talkin'  to  you." 


"  Is  the  farm  vacant?  "  another  witness  was  asked. 
"  No  ;  it's  stocked  with  a  caretaker  and  two  police- 
men," was  the  reply. 


Hrlsb  mit  anD  IDumor  173 

'■  *'  Have  you  been  to  a  house  in  the  Strand?  "  was 
asked  of  a  witness  who  was  suspected  of  having  been 
interviewed  by  the  other  side,  since  his  arrival  in 
London. 

"  I  saw  no  house  on  the  Strand.  There  wasn't 
one,"  replied  the  witness. 

"What!  no  houses  in  the  Strand?  What  Strand 
are  you  talking  about  ?  " 

"  One  about  a  mile  beyant  our  house  at  home." 

Counsel  sat  down. 


Some  of  the  witnesses  fenced  with  almost  every 
question.  Innocent  as  they  looked,  they  were  hard 
nuts  to  crack. 

"When  you  say,  'I  might,'  said  Mr.  Davitt  to  a 
witness  who  did  not  intend  to  answer  a  certain  ques- 
tion if  he  could  avoid  it,  "  does  that  mean,  I  did  ?  " 

"  Sure,  it  might." 

"  Yes,  but  does  it?  " 

"  It  may." 

"  Please  answer.     What  does  *  I  might '  mean?' 

"  Divil  a  bit  do  I  know." 


**  Now,  sir,"  said  counsel  to  another,  "you  bought 
some  hay,  and  a  shot  was  fired  into  your  house 
because  you  would  not  give  it  up.  Did  you  give  it 
up  after  the  shot  was  fired  ?  " 

"I  did  that." 

"Did  you  get  your  money  back?" 

•'  Sorra  a  bit." 

"  How  was  that  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  didn't  try?" 

"Sure,  and  I  did  nat." 

"Why  not?" 

"  I  don't  know." 

"  What  did  you  pay  for  the  hay  ?  " 

"Is  it  phwat  I  paid  for  the  hay?  Begorra  !  "  with  a 
sly  wink,  "  I  paid  nothing  at  all !  " 


174  Irieb  Timtt  anD  tbumor 

A  Kerry  witness  was  asked  how  many  children  he 
had. 

"Only  six,"  he  replied. 

"  Is  that  a  long  family  ?  " 

"  There's  longer." 

"  Any  of  them  earning  money  ?  " 

"  One's  married." 

"  What  does  he  earn  ?  " 

"  I've  tould  ye  he's  married." 


"  Now,  Michael,"  said  counsel  familiarly,  "you  say 
you  heard  a  gun,  one  night,  and  found  a  hole  in  the 
door  that  wasn't  there  before  ?  " 

"I  did  so." 

"Was  it  a  bullet  hole?" 

"  To  the  best  of  my  belafe." 

"  Will  you  swear  it  was  a  bullet  hole?" 

"  It  might  have  been  a  bullet  hole." 

"  Will  you  swear  it  was  ?  " 

"Arrah,  now,  be  aisy.  I  didn't  see  the  bullet 
doin'  it." 

Michael  was  asked  no  more  questions. 


"  They  took  me  out  into  the  yard,  fired  at  me,  an' 
then  bate  me,"  said  Pat  Donoghue. 
"  What  did  they  beat  you  with  ?  " 
"  I  don't  know  that  same." 
"  Was  it  sticks  ?  " 
"  I  don't  know." 
"  Did  it  feel  like  sticks?" 
"Begorra,  it  did  that !  " 


"Now,  sir,"  said  counsel  to  a  witness,  who  was 
trying  his  level  best  to  convince  the  court  that  he  had 
no  intellect  whatever,  "  the  constable  accompanied 
you  from  Galway  ;  did  he  talk  to  you  about  'his 
case?  " 

"  Is  it  talk  ye  mane  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"Eh?" 


f  tisb  Mtt  anD  Ibumor  176 

<'Did  he  talk?" 

"I  didn't  hear  him." 

"You  know  you  did." 

"  Well,  if  I  did,  what  did  he  say  ?  "  ^     ,.  j 

"  That  I  mean  to  find  out.  Will  you  swear  he  did 
not  talk  to  you?" 

"  How  should  I  know  ?  " 

"  You  know  he  did." 

"  I  don't." 

"Come,  now,  answer  the  question;  you  are  an 
intelligent  man." 

"  Begorra  !  that's  just  what  I'm  not ! 

Counsel  thought  it  was  a  convenient  opportunity  to 
sit  down. 

"  You  say  vour  husband  was  shot ;  had  he  joined 
the  League  ?  ''  counsel  inquired  of  a  female  witness. 

"Phwat  did  ye  say?"  r     x.      r      a 

"Was  your  husband  a  member  of  the  Land 
League?"  .  ^^ 

"  He  was  verv  fond  of  whiskey. 

"  Answer  the 'question.  Was  your  husband  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Land  League  ?  "  ,      J     ,      u-  1        i»> 

"  No  ;   I  towld  you  he  was  very  fond  of  whiskey  ! 

"  What  had  whiskey  to  do  with  it  ?  " 

"  Shure,  that's  for  a  clever  gentleman  like  you  to 

find  out."  .          ^     ^,  . 

Counsel  did  not   put   any  more  questions  to  this 

witness. 

Irish  Rent  Collecting 

It  having  been  resolved  by  Mr.  Shirley  that  the 
rents  which  were  due  should  be  at  once  demanded 
from  all  defaulting  tenants,  and  if  they  refused 
to  pay,  that  the  most  rigorous  measures  should  be 
taken  to  force  them  into  compliance  ;  the  bailiff  was 
accordingly  sent  out  to  warn  all  backward  tenants  to 
come  in  and  settle  their  accounts.  The  reply  to  this 
summons  was  uniform  :  "  They  would  pay  no  rent 
until  their  grievances  were  redressed." 

Every  power  conferred  by  the  law  was,  therefore, 
brought  to  bear  upon  them.     Some  were  served  with 


176  Urisb  Mit  anO  Ibumor 

notices  to  quit ;  some  with  processes  for  rent  ;  some 
with  a  legal  document  called  a  "  latilat^^ ;  and  besides 
all  these,  "  driving,"  upon  an  extensive  scale,  was 
adopted  as  the  quickest  and  most  effective  mode  by 
which  the  rent  could  be  hurried  in. 

Grippers,  process-servers,  keepers,  and  drivers 
were  now  brought  into  full  requisition.  The  "  grii> 
pers "  were  directed  to  arrest  all  tenants  against 
whom  decrees  for  non-payment  of  rent  had  been 
obtained;  the.  "  process-servers  "  were  employed  to 
serve  the  tenants  with  legal  processes  for  rent ; 
whilst  the  "  keepers  "  were  employed  to  watch  the 
crops,  lest  they  should  be  carried  away  in  the  night ; 
and  a  numerous  staff  of  "drivers"  was  engaged  to 
drive  all  the  live  stock  in  possession  of  the  defaulting 
tenants,  and  to  lodge  them  in  the  pound  at  Carrick- 
niacross. 

But  the  tenants  kept  a  watchful  eye  upon  all  these 
preparations,  which  soon  became  known  through 
every  part  of  the  country,  and  they  took  their  own 
measures  to  frustrate  them.  To  effect  this  object 
they  established  a  system  of  what  was  called  "  Molly 
Maguires."  These  "  Molly  Maguires  "  were  generally 
stout,  active  young  men,  dressed  up  in  women's  clothes, 
with  faces  blackened  or  otherwise  disguised ;  some- 
times they  wore  crape  over  their  countenances,  some- 
times they  smeared  themselves  in  the  most  fantastic 
manner  with  burnt  cork  about  their  eyes,  mouths,  and 
cheeks.  In  this  state  they  used  suddenly  to  surprise 
the  unfortunate  grippers,  keepers  or  process-servers, 
and  either  duck  them  in  bog-holes,  or  beat  them  in  the 
most  unmerciful  manner,  so  that  the  "  Molly 
Maguires"  became  the  terror  of  all  our  officials. 
At  last  neither  grippers,  process-servers  nor  keepers 
could  be  got  for  love  or  money  to  perform  any  duty, 
or  to  face  the  danger  of  these  lusty  termagants. 

Under  these  perple.xing  circumstances  it  was  deter- 
mined at  headquarters  that  I  and  the  bailiffs  should 
go  out  in  a  body  and  "  drive  for  rent,"  taking  a  suffi- 
cient force  of  police  along  with  us  to  ensure  pro- 
tection to  ourselves  and  the  drivers  ;  and  thus  bring 
the  recusant  tenants  to  order.     "Driving"  enabled 


Irisb  Mft  anD  Dumor  177 

a  landlord  to  seize  in  the  open  and  impound,  without 
previous  notice,  the  cattle  of  a  defaulting  tenant. 

I  shall  not  readily  forget  the  procession  as  we 
started  on  this  expedition,  Mr.  Barry,  the  sub- 
inspector  of  police,  an  excellent  officer,  attended 
with  a  large  force,  which  accompanied  us  as  our 
escort.  In  front  rode  the  bailiff  of  the  estate.  He 
was  a  short,  fat  man,  more  suited  to  peace  than  war : 
and  he  did  not  hesitate  to  confide  to  me  that  he  was 
at  that  moment  "  shaking  like  a  hare  in  her  form."  ,1 
rode  beside  him,  partly  in  my  official  capacity  as  agent, 
and  partly  to  comfort  him  by  my  presence.  Behind 
us  tramped  our  escort  of  police,  and  the  rear  was 
brought  up  by  three  or  four  magistrates,  who  had 
been  called  into  requisition  for  the  occasion,  and  who 
seemed  to  consider  it  a  most  unpleasant  duty,  as  it 
undoubtedly  was. 

No  sooner  had  this  formidable  party  appeared  upon 
the  roads  in  the  open  country,  than  the  people  rushed 
to  the  tops  of  the  numerous  hills  with  which  the  dis- 
trict abounds  ;  and  as  we  moved  forward,  they  ran 
from  one  hill  to  another,  shouting  and  cheering  with 
wild,  defiant  cries,  and  keeping  a  line  parallel  to  that 
in  which  our  party  was  traveling. 

The  object  of  our  expedition  was  clearly  understood 
by  the  people  ;  and  the  exact  position  of  our  company 
was  indicated  to  those  in  the  lowlands  by  the  move- 
ments of  thepeople  on  the  hills  ;  and  accordingly  as  we 
advanced,  every  beast  belonging  to  every  tenant  who 
owed  rent  was  housed  or  locked  up,  or  driven  some- 
where away.  Thus,  as  we  had  no  legal  right  to  break 
open  any  door,  or  take  any  cattle  out  of  any  house, 
but  only  to  seize  those  we  might  find  in  the  open  fields 
and  upon  the  lands  of  the  defaulting  tenants,  we  soon 
perceived  (as  we  might  have  known  before  we  started) 
that  we  were  likely  to  return  without  success.  The 
bailiff  declared  with  a  sigh,  "  that  not  a  hoof  nor  a 
horn  was  left  in  the  whole  country-side." 

At  length,  when  about  to  return  home,  without 
having  secured  any  booty  whatever,  we  came  unex- 
pectedly upon  a  poor  little  heifer  calf,  browsing 
quietly  on  the  long  grass  beside  the  hedge.      The 

12 


178  Tlrisb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

bailiflF  having  ascertained  that  she  was  grazing  on  the 
land  of  a  tenant  who  was  a  defaulter,  we  seized  upon 
the  unhappy  little  beast,  and  drove  it  ingloriously 
home  to  the  pound  at  Carrickmacross,  a  distance  of 
about  two  miles  amidst  the  jeers  and  laughter  of  the 
populace,  at  the  result  of  our  formidable  day's  driving. 

"  Bedad,  it's  not  every  day  that  your  honor  would 
be  able  to  bring  home  such  grand  stock  as  that!" 
remarked  one  fellow,  as  the  bailiff  and  I  rode  to  the 
pound  with  our  prize,  in  all  the  dignity  we  could 
muster. 

"  Ah,  shure,  his  honor  comes  from  a  good  counthr)', 
and  should  know  good  stock  when  he  sees  it,"  said 
another,  mischievously. 

"  Sorra  hap'orth  else  he'd  be  contint  wid,"  said  a 
third  ;  "  and,  shure,  isn't  he  goin'  to  set  up  an  agri- 
cultural show  upon  the  estate,  and  that's  the  very 
baste  will  bear  away  the  prize  anyhow,  as  the  greatest 
show  of  them  all." 

Annoyed  as  I  was  at  the  result  of  our  expedition,  I 
felt  it  to  be  impossible  to  avoid  laughing  at  their  fun, 
and  I  took  it  all  good-humoredly.  Not  so  the  bailiff  ; 
he  sighed  and  groaned  at  the  thought  of  how  low  he 
must  have  fallen  in  the  opinion  of  the  tenants  before 
they  could  have  dared  to  use  such  language  towards 
him  whom  they  had  always  addressed  with  respect — 
which,  indeed,  he  had  always  deserved — and  he 
whispered  to  me,  in  a  confidential  voice,  that  "  he 
was  ready  to  sink  into  the  airth  with  shame."  For- 
tunately for  the  credit  of  all  parties  concerned,  we 
never  again  attempted  a  "driving  expedition."      [ii] 

An  Irishman's  Reading  of  O'Connell's  Societies 
O'Connell  had  a  strange  incapacity  for  inventing 
attractive  titles  for  his  popular  organizations.  One 
was  called  by  the  bald  name  of  the  "  Anti-Tory 
Association,"  another  the  "  General  Association,"  a 
third  the  "Reform  Registry  Association,"  and  a 
fourth  the  "  Precursor  Society,"  meaning  that  it  was 
the  precursor  of  his  last  resource—"  Repeal  the 
Union."  But  the  subtle  idea  quite  escaped  the  people, 
who  were  only  puzzled  by  the  unfamiliar  word.    There 


Urtsb  mil  anD  Ibumor  179 

was  a  story  current  in  those  days  that  an  English 
traveler  having  asked  a  Dublin  car-driver  what  was 
the  object  of  the  "Precursor  Society,"  the  boy  who 
was  never  to  be  caught  without  his  answer,  replied, 
"  Praycurse-sir — why  to  pray  curses  on  the  inimies  of 
Ireland,  to  be  sure." 

Nicholas  and  the  Low-Backed  Car 
Whilst  Lord  Callonby  was,  on  one  occasion,  staying 
at  his  country-seat  near  Kilrush,  he  had  several 
visitors.  Among  these  came  a  maiden  lady  from  the 
neighborhood  of  Ennistimon,  Miss  Elizabeth  O'Dowd, 
the  last  of  a  very  old  and  respectable  family  in  the 
county,  and  whose  extensive  property,  thickly  studded 
with  freeholders,  was  a  strong  reason  for  her  being 
paid  every  attention  in  Lord  Callonby's  power  to 
bestow.  Miss  Betty  O'  Dowd — for  so  she  was  popularly 
styled — was  the  very  personification  of  an  old  maid  ; 
stiff  as  a  ramrod,  and  so  rigid  in  the  observance  of 
the  proprieties  of  female  conduct,  that,  in  the  estima- 
tion of  the  Clare  gentry,  Diana  was  a  hoyden  com- 
pared to  her. 

Miss  Betty  lived,  as  I  have  said,  near  Ennistimon, 
and  the  road  from  thence  to  Callonby,  at  the  time  I 
speak  of— it  was  before  Mr.  Nimmo— was  as  like  the 
bed  of  a  mountain  torrent  as  a  respectable  highway  ; 
there  were  holes  that  would  have  made  the  grave  of 
any  maiden  lady  within  fifty  miles  ;  and  rocks  thickly 
scattered,  enough  to  prove  fatal  to  the  strongest 
wheels  that  ever  issued  from  "  Hutton's."  Miss 
O'Dowd  knew  this  well — she  had  upon  one  occasion 
been  upset  in  traveling  it — and  a  slate-colored  silk 
dress  bore  the  dye  of  every  species  of  mud  and  mire 
to  be  found  there,  for  many  a  year  after,  to  remind 
her  of  her  misfortune  and  keep  open  the  wound  of 
her  sorrow.  When,  therefore,  the  invitation  to  Cal- 
lonby arrived,  a  grave  council  of  war  was  summoned 
to  deliberate  upon  the  mode  of  transit,  for  the  honor 
could  not  be  declined.  The  chariot  was  out  of  the 
question  ;  Nicholas  declared  it  would  never  reach  the 
"  Moraan  Beg,"  as  the  first  precipice  was  called  ;  the 
inside  car  was  long  since  pronounced  unfit  for  haz- 


180  Irieb  mtt  anD  Ibumor 

ardous  enterprise  ;  and  the  only  resource  left  was 
what  is  called,  in  Hibernian  parlance,  a  "low-backed 
car,"  that  is,  a  car  without  any  back  whatever,  it 
being  neither  more  nor  less  than  the  common  agri- 
cultural conveyance  of  the  country,  upon  which,  a 
feather  bed  being  laid,  the  farmers'  wives  and 
daughters  are  generally  conveyed  to  fairs,  wakes, 
stations,  etc.  Putting  her  dignity,  if  not  in  her 
pocket,  at  least  where  it  could  be  most  conveniently 
accommodated,  Miss  O'Dowd  placed  her  fair  self,  in 
all  the  plenitude  of  her  charms  and  the  grandeur  oi 
a  "bran-new  green  silk,"  a  "  little  off  the  grass,  and 
on  the  bottle,"  upon  this  humble  conveyance,  and  set 
out  on  her  way,  if  not  "  rejoicing,"  at  least  consoled 
by  Nicholas,  that  "  It  'id  be  black  dark  before  they 
reached  the  house,  and  the  divil  a  one  'id  be  the  wisef 
than  if  she  came  in  a  coach-and-four." 

Nicholas  was  right ;  it  was  perfectly  dark  on  their 
arrival  at  Callonby,  and  Miss  O'Dowd  having  dis- 
mounted and  shaken  her  plumage,  a  little  crumpled 
by  her  half-recumbent  position  for  eight  miles 
appeared  in  the  drawing-room,  to  receive  the  most 
courteous  attentions  from  Lady  Callonby,  and  from  his 
lordship  the  most  flattering  speeches  for  her  kindness 
in  risking  herself,  and  bringing  her  "  horses  "  on  such 
a  dreadful  road,  and  assuring  her  of  his  getting  a 
presentment  at  the  very  next  assizes  to  repair  it, — 
"For  we  intend.  Miss  O'Dowd,"  said  he,  "to  be 
most  troublesome  neighbors  to  you  in  future." 

The  evening  passed  off  most  happily.  Miss 
O'Dowd  was  delighted  with  her  hosts,  whose  charac- 
ter she  determined  to  uphold  in  spite  of  their  reputa- 
tion for  pride  and  haughtiness.  Lady  Jane  sang  an 
Irish  melody  for  her.  Lady  Callonby  gave  her  slips  of 
a  rose  geranium  she  got  from  the  Princess  Augusta, 
and  Lord  Kilkee  won  her  heart  by  the  performance  of 
that  most  graceful  step  yclept  "  cover  the  buckle  "  in 
an  Irish  jig.  But,  alas  !  how  short-lived  is  human 
bliss,  for  while  this  estimable  lady  revelled  in  the  full 
enjoyment  of  the  hour,  the  sword  of  Damocles  hung 
suspended  above  her  head  ;  in  plain  English,  she  had, 
on  arriving  at  Callonby  to  prevent  any  unnecessary 


txieb  11Cl(t  anD  Ibumor  181 

scrutiny  into  the  nature  of  her  conveyance,  ordered 
Nicholas  to  be  at  the  door  punctually  at  eleven  ;  and 
then,  to  take  an  opportunity  of  quietly  slipping  open 
the  drawing-room  door,  and  giving  her  intimation  of 
it,  that  she  might  take  her  leave  at  once.  Nicholas 
was  up  to  time,  and  having  disposed  the  conveyance 
under  the  shadow  of  the  porch,  made  his  way  to  the 
door  of  the  drawing-room,  unseen  and  unobserved. 
Reopened  it  gently  and  noiselessly,  merely  sufficient 
\o  take  a  survey  of  the  apartment,  in  which,  from  the 
glare  of  the  lights,  and  the  busy  hum  of  voices,  he 
was  so  bewildered  that  it  was  some  minutes  before  he 
recognized  his  mistress.  At  last  he  perceived  her  ; 
she  was  seated  at  a  card-table,  playing  whist  with 
Lord  Callonby  for  her  partner.  Who  the  other 
players  were,  he  knew  not.  A  proud  man  was 
Nicholas,  as  he  saw  his  mistress  thus  placed,  actually 
sitting,  as  he  afterwards  expressed  it,  "  fornint  the 
lord,"  but  his  thoughts  were  bent  on  other  matters, 
and  it  was  no  time  to  indulge  his  vauntings. 

He  strove  for  some  time  patiently  to  catch  her  eye, 
for  she  was  so  situated  as  to  permit  of  this,  but  with- 
out success.  He  then  made  a  slight  attempt  to 
attract  her  attention  by  beckoning  with  his  finger  ; 
but  all  in  vain.  "  Oh,  murther,"  said  he,  "  what  is 
this  for  ?     I'll  have  to  sphake  afther  all." 

"  Four  by  honors,"  said  his  lordship,  "  and  the  odd 
trick.     Another  double,  I  believe,  Miss  O'Dowd." 

Miss  O'Dowd  nodded  a  graceful  assent,  while  a 
sharp  looking  old  dowager  at  the  side  of  the  table 
called  out,  "a  rubber  of  four  only,  my  lord";  and 
now  began  an  explanation  from  the  whole  party  at 
once.  Nicholas  saw  this  was  his  time,  and  thought 
that  in  the  melee,  his  hint  might  reach  his  mistress 
unobserved  by  the  remainder  of  the  company.  He 
accordingly  protruded  his  head  into  the  room,  and 
placing  his  finger  on  the  side  of  his  nose,  and  shutting 
one  eye  knowingly,  with  an  air  of  great  secrecy 
whispered  out,  "  Miss  Betty— Miss  Betty,  alannah  !" 
For  some  minutes  the  hum  of  the  voices  drowned  his 
admonitions,  but  as,  by  degrees  waxing  warmer  in 
the  cause,  he  called  out  more  loudly,  every  eye  was 


182  Tlrlsb  "Mit  atiD  Ibumor 

turned  to  the  spot  from  whence  these  extraordinary 
sounds  proceeded  ;  and  certainly  the  appearance  of 
Nicholas  at  the  moment  was  well  calculated  to 
astonish  the  company  of  a  drawing-room.  With  his 
one  eye  fixed  eagerly  in  the  direction  of  his  mistress, 
his  red  scratcii  wig  pushed  back  off  his  forehead,  in 
the  eagerness  of  his  endeavor  to  be  heard,  there  he 
stood,  perfectly  unmindful  of  all  around,  save  Miss 
O'Dowd  herself.  It  may  well  be  believed  that  such 
an  apparition  could  not  be  witnessed  with  gravity, 
and,  accordingly,  a  general  titter  ran  through  the 
room,  the  whist  party,  still  contending  about  odd  tricks 
and  honors,  being  the  only  persons  insensible  to  the 
mirth  around  them.  "  Miss  Betty,  arrah,  Miss  Betty," 
said  Nicholas,  with  a  sigh  that  converted  the  subdued 
laughter  of  the  guests  into  a  perfect  burst  of  mirth. 

"  Eh,"  said  his  lordship,  turning  round,  "  what  is 
this?     We  are  losing  something  excellent,  I  fear." 

At  this  moment  he  caught  a  glimpse  of  Nicholas, 
and,  throwing  himself  back  in  his  chair,  laughed 
immoderately.  It  was  now  Miss  Betty's  turn ;  she 
was  about  to  rise  from  the  table,  when  the  well-known 
accents  of  Nicholas  fell  upon  her  ears.  She  fell  back 
in  her  seat — there  he  was  ;  the  messenger  of  the  foul 
fiend  himself  would  have  been  more  welcome  at  that 
moment.  The  blood  rushed  to  her  face  and  temples  ; 
her  hands  tingled  ;  she  closed  her  eyes,  and  when  she 
opened  them,  there  stood  the  accursed  Nicholas 
glowering  at  her  still. 

"  Man— man  !  "  said  she  at  length,  "  what  do  you 
mean?     What  do  you  want  here?  " 

Poor  Nicholas,  little  guessing  that  the  question  was 
intended  to  throw  a  doubt  upon  her  acquaintance 
with  him,  and  conceiving  that  the  hour  for  the 
announcement  had  come,  hesitated  for  an  instant  how 
he  should  designate  the  conveyance.  He  could  not 
call  it  a  coach  ;  it  certainly  was  not  a  buggy  ;  neither 
was  it  a  jaunting  car;  what  should  he  say?  He 
looked  earnestly,  and  even  imploringly,  at  his  mis- 
tress, as  if  to  convey  some  sense  of  his  difficulty,  and 
then,  as  it  were,  catching  a  sudden  inspiration, 
winked  once  more,  as  he  said ; 


f  rf9b  llCKt  an&  l)umor  183 

**Miss  Betty— the — the— the — ,"  and  here  he  looked 
indescribably  droll — "  the  thing— yoti  know — is  at  the 
door." 

All  his  lordship's  politeness  was  too  little  for  the 
occasion,  and  Miss  O'Dowd's  tenantry  were  lost  to 
the  Callonby  interest  forever. 

An  Irish  Strike 

A  labor  agitator — a  "  walking  delegate  " — prominent 
for  his  chronic  idleness,  was  known  among  the  real 
working  men  as  old  Jawsomeness. 

His  wife,  seeing  starvation  staring  her  in  the  face, 
resorted  to  the  washtub  as  a  means  of  support. 

One  day  the  elegant  Mr.  Jaw  entered  the  kitchen, 
where  his  wife  was  perspiring  over  a  customer's  linen. 

"  Oi  tell  ye,  Biddy,  the  only  way  for  men  to  kape 
their  liberty  is  to  strike  whoile  the  iron's  hot,  an'  kape 
these  slave-drivin'  capitalists  from  realizin'  the  profits 
av  our  labor." 

"Jimmy,"  replied  Biddy,  with  a  dangerous  flash  in 
her  eye,  "  Oi've  heard  enough  of  that  whang  doodle. 
Oi'm  'bliged  to  iron  whoile  the  strike's  hot,  an'  ef  ye 
come  here  wid  yer  gravances  Oi'il  interduce  ye  to  the 
argyment  av  the  broom-handle." 

Proposed  Duel  Between  O'Connell  and  Sir  Robert 

Peel— Result 

When  the  late  Sir  Robert  Peel  was  Chief  Secretary 
for  Ireland,  a  sharp  quarrel  arose  between  him  and 
Mr.  O'Connell,  in  which  the  latter  permitted  himself 
the  use  of  very  insulting  language  to  the  representa- 
tive of  the  English  Government.  Sir  Robert  Peel, 
though  by  no  means  of  a  combative  temper,  thought  it 
his  duty  to  challenge  O'Connell  to  fight  a  duel ;  but 
the  patriot  declined  on  the  ground  that  his  wife  was 
in  delicate  health,  and  that,  if  anything  happened  to 
him.  Sir  Robert  would  have  two  deaths  instead  of  one 
on  his  conscience. 

The  Chief  Secretary  accepted  this  excuse  the  more 
willingly  because,  as  he  explained  to  his  adversary, 
his  own  daughter  was  far  from  strong,  and  the  conse- 
quences of  a  shock  to  her  nerves  might  have  been 


184  1lri5b  TICKt  anD  Ibumor 

disastrous.  When  this  pacific  arrangement  came  to 
the  ears  of  Chief  Justice  Burke,  he  composed  the  fol- 
lowing lines  on  the  subject : 

Two  heroes  of  Erin,  intent  upon  slaughter, 

Improve  on  the  Hebrew  command  ; 
One  honors  his  wife,  and  the  other  his  daughter, 

That  their  days  may  be  long  in  the  land. 

The  Butler  and  the  Whiskey 

He  was  a  butler  of  Irish  descent,  and  much  given 
to  the  study  of  alcohol.  At  last  his  mistress,  Mrs. 
Gilbert,  could  stand  it  no  longer. 

"  Dennis,"  she  said,  as  he  brought  in  the  tea-urn, 
"you've  been  at  the  whiskey  again." 

"  Indade,  ma'am,  sorra  a  dhrop  has  passed  my  lips 
this  blissed  day." 

"  How  dare  you  tell  me  such  a  falsehood  ?  I  can 
smell  your  breath." 

"  Is  it  me  bhrith,  ma'am  ?  Sure  it's  not  the  whiskey 
at  all,  at  all,  but  the  bad  drains." 

How  Two  Irishmen  Sold  Out  their  Stock-in-Trade 

Two  Irishmen  going  to  the  Derby  races  took  a  keg 
of  whiskey  to  sell  there.  In  going  they  agreed  that 
neither  should  have  a  drink  without  paying  for  it. 
They  went  a  good  way  and  then  had  a  rest.  One  6f 
them,  who  had  threepence  (the  other  had  nothing) 
gets  some  whiskey  and  pays  the  other  for  it. 

By-and-by  the  one  who  got  the  threepence  gets 
thirsty,  too,  so  he  has  some  whiskey  and  pays  the  one 
who  first  had  the  threepence  for  it. 

They  go  on  their  way,  first  one  paying  and  then  the 
other,  till  all  the  whiskey  was  drunk. 

They  then  started  to  count  the  receipts  and  were  a 
little  surprised  to  find  they  had  only  threepence. 

Biddy  and  the  Policeman 
The   following    dialogue    actually   took    place    in 

Covent  Garden  between  a  new  policeman  and  an  Irish 

basket  worn  an  : 

Jrishwomaji :  "  Pray,  poleeshman,  what's  the  rason 


Urisb  mn  ant)  Ibumoc  185 

of  your  wearing  that  white  thing  round  one  of  your 
wrists?  " 

Policeman  :  "  Why,  woman,  that  is  to  show  that  we 
are  on  duty." 

Irishwoman  :  Och,  by  the  powers  !  I  thought  it 
was  because  ve  didn't  know  yer  right  hand  from  yer 
left." 

What  Pat  Did  When  the  WeU  Fell  In 

An  Irishman  took  a  contract  to  dig  a  well.  When 
he  had  dug  about  twenty-five  feet  down,  he  came  one 
morning  and  found  it  had  fallen  in,  and  that  it  was 
filled  nearly  to  the  top. 

Pat  looked  cautiously  around  and  saw  that  no  per- 
son was  near,  then  took  off  his  hat  and  coat  and  hung 
them  on  a  windlass,  crawled  into  some  bushes  and 
awaited  events. 

In  a  short  time  the  neighbors  discovered  that  the 
well  had  fallen  in  and,  seeing  Pat's  hat  and  coat  on 
the  windlass,  they  supposed  that  he  was  at  the  bottom 
of  the  excavation. 

Only  a  few  hours  of  brisk  digging  cleared  the  loose 
earth  from  the  well.  Just  as  the  excavators  had 
reached  the  bottom  and  were  wondering  where  the 
body  was,  Pat  came  out  of  the  bushes  and  good- 
naturedly  thanked  the  diggers  for  relieving  him  of  a 
sorra  job.  Some  of  the  tired  diggers  were  disgusted, 
but  the  joke  was  too  good  to  allow  of  anything  more 
than  a  laugh,  which  followed  promptly. 

National  Characteristics 

An  Englishman  was  accosted  thus  : 

"  What  will  you  take  to  stand  all  night  in  the  dome 
of  St.  Paul's?" 

"  A  beefsteak  and  a  pint  of  beer,"  was  the  frank 
reply. 

The  next  one  accosted  was  a  Scotchman  : 

Says  Sandie  :   "  What  will  ye  gie  ?  " 

Lastly  came  along  Patrick,  and  when  he  was  asked 
what  he  would  take  to  stand  all  night  in  the  dome  of 
St.  Paul's,  he  willingly  answered  : 

"Shure,  an'  I'll  be  apt  to  take  a  bad  cowld." 


186  tvieb  ma  atiD  Ibumor 

Irish  Confidence 
Johnson  :  "  So  you  know  young  Jones  ?  " 
O' Kelly :  "  Yis,  sorr,  I  know  him." 
Johnsoti :  "  Can  a  person  believe  what  he  says?  " 
Pat :  "  Faith,  an'  it's  just  this  way  :  When  he  tells 
ye  the  truth,  ye  can  belave  every  word  he  says  ;    but 
when  he  lies  to  yez,  ye'd  betther  have  no  confidence 
in  him  at  all." 

A  Tight  Pair  of  Boots 
An    Irishman    who    had    blistered    his    fingers    by 
endeavoring  to  draw  on   a  pair  of  boots,  exclaimed  : 
"  I  shall  never  get  them  on  at  all  until  I  wear  them  a 
day  or  two." 

Paddy's  Test  of  Goodness 

The  following  took  place  in  an  American  court  on 
one  of  the  occasions  of  "  naturalization,"  which  is 
usual  previous  to  a  general  election  : 

Judge     "  Do  you  know  O'Brien?" 

Irish  Witness :  "Yes,  sorr." 

Judge  :  "  How  long  has  he  been  in  this  country  ?  " 

Witness :  "  A  little  over  five  year." 

Judge  :  "  Is  he  a  man  of  good  moral  character  ?  " 

Witness  {quite  bewildered)  :  "  Shure,  yer  honor,  I 
don't  know  what  moral  character  means." 

Judge  :  "  Well,  sir,  I  will  talk  more  plainly  to  you. 
Does  O'Brien  stand  fair  before  the  community  ?  " 

Wittiess  {completely  nonplussed)  :  "By  my  sowl,  1 
don't  apprehend  your  maning,  your  honor." 

Judge  {rather  irritated)  :  "I  mean  to  ask  you,  sir,  if 
O'Brien,  the  person  who  wants  to  be  a  citizen,  and  for 
whom  you  are  a  witness,  is  a  good  man  or  not?  " 

Witness  ■  "  Oh  !  an'  why  didn't  you  ax  me  that  way 
before?  To  be  sure  he's  a  good  man.  Shure,  an' 
I've  seen  him  in  ten  fights  durin'  the  last  two  years, 
an'  iv'ry  time  he  licked  his  man." 

A  Facetious  Lawyer 
Not  long  ago,  in  the  Court  of  Appeal,  an  Irishman, 
while  arguing  with  earnestness  in  his  cause,  stated  a 
point  which  the  court  ruled  out. 


Hrfsb  IKHit  anD  Ibumor  187 

"  Well,"  said  the  lawyer,  "  if  it  plaze  the  coort,  if  I 
am  wrong  in  this,  I  have  another  point  that  is  equally 
as  conclusive." 

An  Irishman's  Plea 

"  Are  you  guilty,  or  not  guilty?"  asked  the  clerk 
of  the  criminal  court  of  an  Irish  prisoner. 

"  An'  shure,"  said  Pat,  "  what  areyees  there  for  but 
to  foind  that  out  ?  " 

Why  Pat  Decided  to  Plead  "  Guilty !  " 
Two  Irish  prisoners  were  brought  up  on  a  charge 
of  larceny.  One  of  them  pleaded  guilty,  but  the 
other  preferred  to  take  his  chance.  The  judge  asked 
him  if  he  had  counsel,  and  finding  that  he  had  not, 
assigned  him  a  young  gentleman  not  so  remarkable 
for  brains  as  for  hair  and  jewelry.  He  rose  to  put 
the  case  of  his  new  client,  looked  first  at  the  prisoner, 
then  at  the  judge,  then  all  over  the  court-house,  but 
never  a  word  could  he  find  to  utter.     He  was  stuck  ! 

The  prisoner  broke  the  silence.  "  Be  jabbers  !  yer 
honor,"  said  Pat,  "  if  you  can't  do  any  better  for  me 
than  that,  I  may  as  well  plade  guilty,  too  !  "  which  he 
did  forthwith, 

Paddy's  Preciseness  in  Giving  Evidence 

The  following  took  place  in  a  London  police-court, 
at  which  Thackeray  (then  a  young  reporter)  was  in 
attendance. 

Pat  Fogarty  had  gone  all  the  way  from  Manchester 
to  London  to  thrash  Mick  Fitzpatrick,  which  he  did, 
winding  up  the  performance  with  the  assistance  of  an 
"awful  horseshoe."  He  was  detected,  and  brought 
before  the  magistrate,  and  a  part  of  his  examination 
is  here  given  : 

Cou7-i :  "  Well,  sir,  you  came  here  from  Manchester, 
did  you  not?" 

Pal:  "  Your  honor  has  answered  correct." 

Court :  You  see  the  complainant's  head  ;  it  was  cut 
by  a  sharp  instrument.    Do  you  know  what  cut  it?  " 

Pai:  "  Ain't  your  honor  afther  sayin'  that  a  sharp 
insthrument  did  ?  " 


188  txisc  Mit  anD  Ibumoc 

Cour/  {becoming  restive):  "I  see,  you  mean  tc 
equivocate.  Now,  sir,  you  cut  that  head  ;  you  came 
here  to  cut  it,  did  you  not?  Now,  sir,  what  motive 
brought  you  to  London  ?  " 

Pat :  "  The  locomotive,  yer  honor." 

Court  {waxing  zcarm)  :  "  Equivocating  again,  you 
scoundrel  !  "  (Raising  up  the  horseshoe,  and  holding 
it  before  Pat)     Do  you  see  this  horseshoe,  sir?" 

Pat :  "  Is  it  a  horseshoe,  yer  honor?  " 

Court  {testily) :  "  Don't  you  see  it  is,  sir?  Are  you 
blind  ?  Can  you  not  tell  at  once  that  it  is  a  horse- 
shoe ?  " 

Pat :  "  Bedad,  no,  yer  honor." 

Court  {angrily)  :  "  No  ?  " 

Pat :  "  No,  yer  honor  ;  but  can  yerself  tell  ?  " 

Court :  "  Of  course  I  can,  you  stupid  Irishman." 

Pat  {soliloquizing  aloud)  :  "  Oh,  glory  be  to  good- 
ness, see  what  education  is,  yer  honor  !  Shure,  a  poor 
ignorant  creature  like  meself  wouldn't  know  a  horse's 
shoe  from  a  mare's. 

The  Judge  Which  Best  Suited  Patrick 
Biddy  {to  Pat,  in  charge  about  a  difficulty) :  "  Never 

fear,    Pat !     Shure,    y'ave   got   an   upright  judge   to 

thry  ye !  " 

Pat:  "Ah,    Biddy,    darlin',   the    divil    an    upright 

jidge  I  want  1  'Tis  wan  that'll  lane  a  little  !  " 

A  Coroner  on  Irish  Mortality 

It  was  an  Irish  coroner  who,  when  asked  how  he 
accounted  for  an  extraordinary  mortality  in  Limerick, 
replied  sadly  : 

"  I  cannot  tell ;  there  are  people  dying  this  year 
that  never  died  before." 

How  Paddy  Proposes  to  Wake  Himself 

An  Irishman  a  short  time  since  offered  an  extra- 
ordinary price  for  an  alarm  clock,  and  gave  for  a 
reason,  "  That  as  he  loved  to  rise  early,  he  had 
nothing  to  do  but  to  pull  the  string,  and  he  could 
wake  himself." 


f  rlsb  Mit  anD  Ibumor  189 

How  His  Hat  Looked  on  Another  Head 

"  I  say,  John,  where  did  3'ou  get  that  horrible  look- 
ing hat?  " 

"Please,  yer  honor,"  said  John,  "it's  an  ould  one 
of  yours  that  missis  gave  me  yesterday,  when  you 
went  to  town." 

A  Funny  Announcement 

It  was  an  Irish  handbill  that  announced  with 
boundless  liberality,  in  reference  to  a  great  political 
demonstration  in  the  Rotunda,  that  "  Ladies,  without 
distinction  of  sex,  would  be  welcome." 

Paddy's  Patience   Under   Difficulties 

Some  years  ago,  in  one  of  the  Western  States  of 
America,  an  Englishman,  an  Irishman  and  a  Scotch- 
man were  found  guilty  of  murder,  and  sentenced  to 
death  ;  but  were  allowed  to  decide  the  manner  of 
death  themselves.  The  Scotchman  promptly  chose 
to  be  hanged  on  an  ash  tree  ;  the  Englishman  chose 
an  oak  ;  but  Pat  said  :  "  If  you  plaze,  your  honor,  I'd 
rather  be  hung  on  a  gooseberry  bush." 

"  That's  not  big  enough,"  said  the  judge. 

"  Begorra,  thin,"  said  Pat,  brightening  up,  "  Oi'Il 
wait  till  it  grows." 

An  Irishman's  Thoughts  on  the  Various  Trades 
and  Callings 

Of  all  the  trades  that  men  may  call 

Unpleasant  and  offensive. 
The  editor's  is  worst  of  all, 

For  he  is  ever  pen-sive  ; 
His  leaders  lead  to  nothing  high, 

His  columns  are  unstable, 
And  though  the  printer  makes  him  pie, 

It  does  not  suit  his  table. 

The  carpenter— his  course  is  plane, 

His  bit  is  always  near  him  ; 
He  augurs  every  hour  of  gain, 

He  chisels — and  none  can  jeer  him  ; 


190  Urtsb  IKIlit  anD  fbumor 

He  shaves,  yet  is  not  dose,  they  say ; 

The  public  pay  his  board,  sir  ; 
Full  of  wise  saws,  he  bores  away, 

And  so  he  swells  his  hoard,  sir. 

St.  Crispin's  son— the  man  of  shoes- 
Has  all  things  at  control,  sir; 

He  waxes  wealthy  in  his  views, 
But  ne'er  neglects  his  sole  sir  ; 

His  is,  indeed,  a  heeling  trade  ; 
And  when  he  comes  to  casting 

The  toe-tal  profits  he  has  made, 
We  find  his  ends  are  lasting. 

The  tailor,  too,  gives  fit  to  all, 

Yet  never  gets  a  basting; 
His  cabbages,  however  small, 

Are  most  delicious  tasting  ; 
His  goose  is  heated— happy  prig! 

Unstinted  in  his  measure, 
He  always  plays  at  thimble-rig, 

And  seams  a  man  of  pleasure. 

The  farmer  reaps  a  fortune  plump, 

Though  harrowed,  far  from  woe,  sir; 
His  spade  forever  proves  a  trump, 

His  book  is  I've-an-hoe,  sir; 
However  corned,  he  does  not  slip  ; 

Though  husky,  never  hoarse,  sir; 
And  in  a  ploughshare  partnership 

He  gets  his  share,  of  course,  sir. 

The  sailor  on  the  giddy  mast- 
Comparatively  master — 

Has  many  a  bulwark  round  him  cast 
To  wave  away  disaster  ; 

Even  shrouds  to  him  are  full  of  life, 
His  mainstay  still  is  o'er  him, 

A  gallant  and  a  top-gallant  crew 
Of  beaux  esprits  before  him. 

The  sturdy  Irish  laborer  picks 
And  climbs  to  fame— 'tis  funny  ! 

He  deals  with  none  but  regular  bricks. 
And  so  he  pockets  money ; 


Irisb  "CClit  an^  Ibumor  191 

One  friend  sticks  to  him  (mortar  'tis), 

In  hodden  grey,  unbaffled, 
He  leaves  below  an  honest  name 
When  he  ascends  the  scaffold. 
The  printer,  though  his  case  be  hard, 

Yet  sticks  not  at  his  hap,  sir  ; 
'Tis  his  to  canonize  the  bard. 
And  trim  a  Roman  Cap,  sir. 
Some  go  two-forty— what  of  that? 

He  goes  it  by  the  thousand  ; 
A  man  of  form,  and  fond  of  fat, 
He  loves  the  song  I  now  send. 
The  engine-driver,  if  we  track 

His  outward  semblance  deeper, 
Has  got  some  very  tender  traits- 
He  ne'er  disturbs  the  sleeper  ; 
And  when  you  switch  him  as  he  goes 

He  whistles  all  the  louder. 
And  should  you  break  him  on  the  wheel 

It  only  makes  him  prouder. 
I  launched  this  skiff  of  rhymes  upon 

The  trade-winds  of  the  Muses, 
Through  pungent  seas  they've  borne  it  on, 

The  boat  no  rudder  uses  ; 
So  masticate  its  meaning  once, 
And  judge  not  sternly  of  it— 
You'll  find  a  freight  of  little  puns, 
And  very  little  profit."     [12] 

An  "  Irish  "  Sailor 

An  Irishman,  brought  before  a  justice  of  the  peace 
on  a  charge  of  vagrancy,  was  thus  questioned  : 

"  What  trade  are  you  ?  "  ^, 

"  Shure,  now,  your  honor,  an'  I'm  a  sailor. 

"  You  a  seafaring   man?      I  question   whether  you 
were  ever  at  sea  in  your  life."  -    .,  •    ,     t   ^^^^ 

"  Shure,  now,  an'  does  your^  honor  think  I   came 
over  from  Ireland  in  a  wagin  ?  " 

An  Irish  Cause  and  an  Irish  Effect 

I     In   hearing  an  Irish  case  of  assault    and  battery, 

(counsel,    in    cross-examining   one    of  the   witnesses, 


192  f  rlab  TlDKt  anD  "toumor 

asked    him    what    they    had    the    first    place    tliey 
stopped  at  ? 

"  Four  glasses  of  ale,"  was  the  reply. 

"Next?" 

"  Two  glasses  of  whiskey." 

"  Next  ?  '* 

"  One  glass  of  brandy." 

"Next?" 

"  A  fight." 

Making  it  Even  With  the  Judge 

A  certain  judge  was  once  obliged  to  sleep  with  an 

,'  Irishman  in  a  crowded  hotel   in  America,  when  the 

I  following  conversation  took  place  between  them  : 

"  Pat,  you  would  have  remained  a  long  time  in  the 

old  country  before  you  could  have  slept  with  a  judge, 

would  you  not  ?  " 

"Yes,  your  honor,"  said  Pat;  "and  I  think  your 
honor  would  have  been  a  long  time  in  the  ould 
country  before  ye'd  been  a  judge,  too." 

He  Struck  Her  With  Impunity 

"And,  now,  Mrs.  Sullivan,"  said  the  counsel,  "  will 
you  be  kind  enough  to  tell  the  jury  whether  your 
husband  was  in  the  habit  of  striking  you  with 
impunity  ?  " 

"With  what,  sir?" 

"With  impunity." 

"  He  wuz,  sir,  now  and  thin ;  but  he  shtruck  me 
oftener  with  his  fisht." 

An  Amusing  Threat 

An  Irishman  once  contracted  to  clean  a  well,  and 
descended  for  that  purpose.  When  he  was  through, 
be  made  the  signal  to  be  hauled  up.  His  companions, 
who  were  determined  to  have  a  joke  at  his  expense, 
hauled  him  up  about  half  way  and  then  stopped. 
There  he  hung— no  way  to  get  up— no  safe  way  to  get 
down,  if  that  were  desirable.  He  begged  and 
entreated,  but  it  was  of  no  use.  He  stormed  and 
raved,  but  it  did  no  good.     At  last  he  sung  out  : 

"  Haul  it  out,  ye  spalpeens,  or,  by  the  piper  that 
played  before  Moses,  I'll  be  afther  cuttin'  the  rope  ! " 


Icisb  Wit  anD  Ibumoc  193 

What'U  We  Take  Now? 

An  excited  orator,  during  the  late  American  civil 
war,  exclaimed  :  "  We  have  taken  Atlanta  ;  we  have 
taken  Savannah,  Columbus,  Charleston,  and  now,  at 
last  we  have  captured  Petersbuig,  and  occupy  Rich- 
mond ;  and  what  remains  for  us  to  take?  " 

An  Irishman  in  the  crowd  shouted,  "  Let's  take  a 
drink!  " 

The  crowd  dispersed  in  various  directions. 

Paddy  and  the  Telephone 

Father  O'Halloran  had  a  telephone  put  into  the 
parsonage  in  connection  with  the  church,  parochial 
school,  etc.  Patrick  McFee,  his  reverence's  handy 
man,  was  instructed  in  the  use  of  the  instrument,  and 
it  was  only  the  next  day  when  Pat,  dusting  out  the 
church,  heard  the  clatter  of  the  telephone.  Well, 
taking  down  the  receiver,  he  was  pleased  to  hear 
Father  O'Halloran's  familiar  vo'ce  asking  him  some- 
thing or  other  about  his  work.  Pat,  in  essaying  to 
answer,  remembered  that  his  reverence  was  a  long 
way  off,  and  consequently  hallooed  into  the  trans- 
mitter at  the  top  of  his  voice. 

"  I  didn't  understand  you,  Pat,"  said  the  telephone. 

Pat  tried  again  with  no  better  success.  On  his 
third  trial  he  came  near  splitting  the  telephone,  but 
came  again  Father  O'Halloran's  voice: 

"  I  can't  hear  what  you're  saying,  Patrick." 

Pat  had  by  this  time  lost  some  of  his  patience,  and 
as  he  stood  gathering  up  his  breath  for  his  fourth 
blast,  he  couldn't  refrain  from  soliloquizing  in  a  low 
tone  : 

"  Ah,  may  the  devil  fly  away  with  the  old  fool  !  " 

But  Pat  dropped  the  telephone  like  a  hot  potato  and 
fell  on  his  knees  in  dismay,  when  he  heard  Father 
O'Halloran's  voice  again  : 

"  Now,  I  hear  you  perfectly,  Patrick." 

Going  to  ••  Kill  'Em  All " 
A  story  is  told   of   an  Englishman  who  landed  in 
Dublin  not  long  ago  filled  with  apprehension  that  life 
was  not   worth   a   farthing    there,    and   thereabouts. 
IS 


194  Urisb  TlCllt  an&  Ibumor 

The  Land  Leaguers,  he  imagined,  were  all  blood- 
thirst.v  assassins,  and  all  that  kind  of  thing.  But  it 
was  his  dut}'  to  travel  in  the  land  —  a  duty  he 
approached  with  fear  and  trembling. 

Now,  there  happened  to  be  on  his  route  a  number 
of  towns,  the  names  of  which  began  with  the  suggest- 
ive syllable  "  Kil."  There  was  Kilmartin,  and  soon. 
In  his  ignorance  of  geographical  nomenclature,  his 
affrighted  senses  were  startled  anew  on  hearing  a 
fellow  passenger  in  the  railway  carriage  remark  to 
another  as  follows  : 

"  I'm  just  afther  bein'  over  to  Kilpatrick." 

"And  I,"  replied  the  other,  "afther  bein' over  to 
Kilmary." 

"  What  murderers  they  are  !  "  thought  the  English, 
man,  "  and  to  think  that  they  talk  of  their  assassina- 
tion so  publicly  !  " 

But  the  conversation  went  on  : 

"And  phare  are  ye  goin'  now?"  asked  assassin 
No.  I. 

"  I'm  goin'  home,  and  then  to  Kilmore,"  was  No. 
2's  reply. 

The  Englishman's  blood  curdled. 

"Kilmore,  is  it?"  added  No.  i. 

"You'd  better  be  comin'  along  wid  me  to  Kiln- 
maul  !  " 

It  is  related  that  the  Englishman  left  the  train  at  the 
next  station. 

Pat  and  His  Gun 
I've  heard  a  good  joke  of  Emerald  Pat, 
Who  kept  a  few  brains  and  a  brick  in  his  hat. 
He  was  bound  to  go  hunting  ;  so  taking  his  gun 
He  rammed   down  a   charge — this  was  load  number 

one  ; 
Then  he  put  in  the  priming,  and  when  all  was  done, 
By  way  of  experiment,  he  thought  he  would  try 
And  see  if  perchance  he  might  hit  the  "  bull's  eye." 
He  straightened  himself  until  he  made  a  good  figure, 
Took  a  deliberate  aim,  and  then  pulled  the  trigger. 
Click  !  went  the  hammer,  but  nothing  exploded  ; 
"  An'  shure,"  muttered  Pat,  "  the  gun  isn't  loaded." 


Hrfsb  llClit  an&  Ibumor  195 

So  down  went  another  charge,  just  as  before, 
Unless  this  contained  a  grain  or  two  more  ; 
Once  more  he  made  ready  and  took  a  good  aim 
And  pulled  at  the  trigger— effect  quite  the  same. 
"  I  wonder,  can  this  be  still  shootin'  ?  "   said  Pat, 
"  I  put  down  a  load,  now  I'm  certain  of  that ; 
"  I'll  try  it  again  and  then  we  shall  see  !  " 
So  down  went  the  cartridge  of  load  number  three. 
Then,  trying  again  with  a  confident  air, 
And  succeeding  no  better,  he  gave  up  in  despair. 
Just  at  that  moment  he  happened  to  spy 
His  friend,  Mike  Milligan,  hurrying  by  : 
"  Hello,  Mike  !    Come  here  and  try  on  my  gun  ; 
"  I've  been  trying  to  shoot  until  I'm  tired  and  done  !  '* 
So  Mike  took  the  gun  and  picked  up  the  powder 
Remarking  to  Pat,  "  It  would  make  it  go  louder." 
Then  placing  it  firmly  against  his  right  arm. 
And  never  suspecting  it  might  do  him  harm, 
He  pointed  the  piece  in  the  proper  direction. 
And  pulled  on  the  trigger  without  more  reflection, 
When  off  went  the  gun  like  a  county  election — 
Where  whiskey  and  gin  have  exclusive  selection 
Of  those  who  are  chosen  to  guard  the  inspection — 
There's  a  great  deal  of  noise,  and  some  little  inspec- 
tion— 
And  Michael  went  off  in  another  direction. 
"  Hold  on  !  "  shouted  Pat ;   "  hold  on  to  the  gun, 
"  I  put  in  three  loads,  and  you  fired  off  but  one  ! 
"  Get  up,  and  be  careful  !   Don't  hold  it  so  level ! 
"  Or  else  we  are  both  of  us  gone  to  the — cemetery  !  " 
"  I'm  goin',"  says  Michael,  "it's  time  that  I  wint, 
"  I've  got  meself  kicked,  and  I'll  just  take  the  hint.'* 

Now,  old  boys,  and  young,  here's  a  moral  for  you  : 
Don't  take  Pat  as  your  pattern  whatever  you  do  ; 
Don't  carry  too  much  in  the  crown  of  your  hat  ; 
Of  all  things  you  lodge  there,  beware  of  the  bat ! 
I  don't  mean  the  mouse  which  flies  in  the  air. 
Which  ladies  oft  fear  may  get  into  their  hair  ; 
But   the   dangerous    brick-bat,  so    much  worse   than 

that. 
Which  nobody  wears  who  isn't  a  "  flat," 


196  Urisb  Mit  an&  Dumor 

And  then,  don't  forget  it  is  one  of  old  Nick's 
Diabolical  methods  of  playing  his  tricks 
On  foolish  young  men— who  become  "  perfect  bricks ;" 
And  he  don't  give  the  hint  until  after  he  kicks  1 

Pronounced  "  Hostility  " 

A  pedagogue  told  one  of  his  scholars,  a  son  of  the 
Emerald  Isle,  to  spell  "  hostility." 

"  H-o-r-s-e,  horse,"  began  young  Pat. 

"Not  *  horse-tility,' "  said  the  teacher,  "  but  hos- 
tility." 

"Shure,"  replied  Pat,  "an'  didn't  ye  tell  me  the 
other  day  not  to  say  '  hoss '  ?  Be  jabers,  it's  one  thing 
wid  ye  one  day  and  anither  the  nixt." 

An   Irishman's    Love   Letter 

The  following  letter  was  actually  written  by  a 
young  Irish  small  farmer : 

"  Dear  Miss  :  I  have  been  in  love  with  you  for  a 
long  time,  and  take  this  opportunity  to  inform  you 
by  letter  ;  and  would  ye  like  to  cort  for  marriage  ? 
If  so,  I  would  like  to  have  you  if  you  are  not  spoke 
for.  And  if  you  are  spoke  for,  is  your  sister  spoke 
for?  You  and  she  is  both  so  hansom  it  is  hard  to 
tell  which  is  the  hansomis.  I  have  got  a  little  farm, 
an'  don't  you  think  I  am  pretty  good  looking.  I 
think  you  are  very  good  looking.  And  if  you  want 
me  an'  if  you  don't  want  me  be  sure  an'  answer  me 
yis  or  no."     [20] 

Biddy  Malone's    Certificate 

Biddy  Malone  was  in  a  great  fever  of  excitement 
when  she  landed  in  America,  direct  from  the  "  ould 
counthry."  Her  certificate  of  character  was  lost  on 
board  ship,  and  what  would  she  be  after  doin'  ?  To 
her  great  happiness  and  consolation,  Tim  Mulligan, 
her  Irish  friend,  volunteered  and  wrote  her  the  fol- 
lowing beautiful  recommendation  : 

"  This  is  to  certify  tliat  Biddy  Malone  had  a  good 
character  before  she  left  the  '  ould  counthry,'  but  lost 
it  on  shipboard,  comin'  over." 


txi6b  Mit  anD  Ibumot  197 

Why  Pat  Ate   the  Chicken 

A  Scotchman  and  an  Irishman  happened  to  be 
journeying  together  through  an  almost  interminable 
forest,  and  losing  their  way  wandered  about  in  a 
pitiable  condition  for  awhile,  when  fortunately  they 
came  to  a  miserable  hovel,  which  was  deserted  save 
by  a  lone  chicken.  As  this  poor  biped  was  the  only 
thing  eatable  to  be  obtained,  they  eagerly  dispatched 
and  prepared  it  for  supper. 

When  laid  before  them,  Pat  concluded  that  it  was 
insufficient  for  both  himself  and  Sandy,  and  he  there- 
fore proposed  to  his  companion  that  they  should  save 
the  chicken  until  the  next  morning,  and  that  the 
one  who  had  dreamed  the  pleasantest  dream  dur- 
ing the  night  should  have  the  chicken,  which  was 
agreed  to. 

In  the  morning  Sandy  told  his  dream.  He  thought 
angels  were  drawing  him  up  to  heaven  in  a  basket, 
and  that  he  had  never  before  been  so  happy.  Upon 
hearing  the  conclusion  of  the  dream,  Pat  exclaimed : 

"  Och,  shure,  an'  be  jabers,  I  saw  ye  goin'  an' 
thought  ye  wouldn't  come  back,  so  I  got  up  an'  ate 
the  chicken  meself !  " 

Hitting  the  Nail  on  the  Head 

A  man  was  complaining  to  some  bystanders  that 
he  did  not  know  what  was  the  matter  with  his  horses. 
He  had  tried  everything  he  could  hear  of — condition 
powder  and  all  other  specifics — but  to  no  purpose. 
They  would  not  improve  in  flesh. 

A  stable  boy,  of  Irish  extraction,  whose  sympathies 
were  aroused  by  the  story,  comprehended  the  situa- 
tion and  modestly  asked  : 

"  Did  you  iver  try  corn  ?  " 

A  Personal  Reflection 

"  I  see  the  villain  in  your  face,"  said  a  western  judge 
to  an  Irish  prisoner. 

"May  it  plaze  yer  worship,"  replied  Pat,  "that 
must  be  a  personal  reflection,  sure." 


198  Tlrisb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

Why  O'Connell  was  Patient 

When  traveling  in  France,  during  the  time  of  his 
sojourn  at  St.  Omer's,  O'Connell  encountered  a  very 
talkative  Frenchman,  who  incessantly  poured  forth 
the  most  bitter  tirades  against  England.  O'Connell 
listened  in  silence ;  and  the  Frenchman,  surprised  at 
the  indifference,  at  last  exclaimed  : 

"  Do  you  hear?  do  you  understand  what  I  am  say- 
ing, sir  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  heard  you,  I  comprehend  you  perfectly." 

**  Yet  you  do  not  seem  angry  ?  " 

"  Not  in  the  least." 

"  How  can  you  so  tamely  bear  the  censures  I  pro- 
nounce against  your  country  ?  " 

"  Sir,  England  is  not  my  country.  Censure  her  as 
much  as  you  please  ;  you  cannot  offend  me.  I  am  an 
Irishman,  and  my  countrymen  have  as  little  reason  to 
love  England  as  yours  have,  perhaps  less." 

A  Political  Hurrah  at  a  Funeral 
Ascending  the  mountain  road  between  Dublin  and 
Glencullen,  in  company  with  an  English  friend, 
O'Connell  was  met  by  a  funeral.  The  mourners  soon 
recognized  him,  and  immediately  broke  into  a  voci- 
ferous hurrah  for  their  political  favorite,  much  to  the 
astonishment  of  the  Sassenach,  who,  according  to  the 
solemn  decorum  of  English  funerals,  was  not  pre- 
pared for  the  outburst  of  Celtic  enthusiasm  upon  such 
an  occasion.  A  remark  being  made  on  the  oddity  of 
a  political  hurrah  at  a  funeral,  it  was  replied  that  the 
corpse  doubtless  would  have  cheered  lustily,  too,  if  it 
could. 

O'Connell  and  a  «'  Pointed  "  Quotation 
Mr.  Goulburn  while  secretary  for  Ireland,  visited 
Killarney,  when  O'Connell  (then  on  circuit)  happened 
to  be  there.  Both  stopped  at  Finn's  hotel,  and  chanced 
to  get  bedrooms  opening  off  the  same  corridor.  The 
early  habits  of  O'Connell  made  him  be  up  at  cock-crow. 
Finding  the  hall  door  locked,  and  so  hindered  from 
walking  outside,  he  commenced  walking  up  and  down 
the  corridor.     To  pass  the  time,  he  repeated  aloud 


Irisb  limit  anD  Ibumor  199 

some   of  Moore's   poetry,    and    had  just  uttered  the 
lines — 

We  tread  the  land  that  bore  us, 
The  green  flag  flutters  o'er  us. 
The  friends  we've  tried  are  by  our  side — 
At  this  moment  Goulburn  popped   his  nightcapped 
head    out   to   see    what    was  the  matter.     O'Connell 
instantly  pointed  his  finger  at  him,  and  finished  the 
verse — 

And  the  foe  we  hate  before  us  ! 
In  went  Goulburn's  head  in  the  greatest  hurry. 

The  Irishman's  Prayer 
When  the  British  ships  under  Nelson  were  bearing 
down  to  attack  the  combined  fleet  off  Trafalgar,  the 
first  lieutent  of  the  Revenge,  on  going  round  to  see 
that  all  hands  were  at  quarters,  observed  one  of 
the  men  devoutedly  kneeling  at  the  side  of  his  gun. 

So  very  unusual  an  attitude  in  a  British  sailor 
exciting  his  surprise  and  curiosity,  he  went  and  asked 
the  man  if  he  was  afraid. 

"Afraid?"  answered  the  honest  tar;  "No;  I  was 
only  praying  that  the  enemy's  shots  may  be  distribu- 
ted in  the  same  proportion  as  prize-money — the 
greatest  part  among  the  officers." 

"  Dry  "  Humor 

An  Irish  post-boy  having  driven  a  gentleman  a  long 
stage  during  torrents  of  rain,  the  gentleman  civilly 
said  to  him,  "  Paddy,  are  you  not  very  wet  ?  " 

"  Arrah  !  I  don't  care  about  being  very  wet,  but 
plase  your  honor,  I'm  very  dry." 

Irish  Cordiality 

A  distinguished  officer  was  lately  president  of  a 
court-martial.  He  had  sworn  a  witness,  a  raw 
Irish  recruit,  and  held  out  his  hand  for  the  Bible. 
Judge  his  astonishment,  however,  at  finding  it — his 
hand — grasped  and  heartily  shaken  by  Pat,  who,  in 
the  very  broadest  brogue  said— 

"  It's  meself  who  is  proud  and  happy  to  hould  the 
hand  of  ye,  sir,  and  may  St.  Patrick  and  all  the  saints 
o1  ould  Ireland  bless  your  honor." 


200  Irigb  "Mix  anD  tbumor 

A  Gentleman  Caned  in  Court  by  O'Connell 

"I  remember,"  said  O'Connell,  "  being  counsel  at 

a  special  commission   in  Kerry  against  a  Mr.  S , 

and  having  occasion  to  press  him  somewhat  hard  in 
my  speech,  he  jumped  up  in  court  and  called  me  '  a 
purse-proud  blockhead.'  I  said  to  him,  '  In  the  first 
place,  I  have  got  no  purse  to  be  proud  of,  and, 
secondly,  if  I  be  a  blockhead,  it  is  better  for  you,  as  I 
am  counsel  against  you.  However,  just  to  save  you 
the  trouble  of  saying  so  again,  I'll  administer  a  slight 
rebuke ' — whereupon  I  whacked  him  soundly  on  the 
back  with  the  president's  cane.  Next  day  he  sent  a 
challenge  by  William  Ponsonby  of  Crottoe ;  but  very 
shortly  after,  he  wrote  me  to  state,  that  since  he  had 
challenged  me,  he  had  discovered  that  my  life  was 
inserted  in  a  very  valuable  lease  of  his.  '  Under 
these  circumstances,'  he  continued,  '  I  cannot  afford 
to  shoot  you,  unless,  as  a  precautionary  measure,  you 
first  insure  your  life  for  my  benefit.  If  you  do,  then 
heigh  for  powder  and  ball !     I'm  your  man.'  " 

A  Short-sighted  Irishman 
An   Irishman  who  was  very  nearsighted,  about  to 
fight  a  duel,  insisted  that  he  should  stand  six  paces 
nearer  to  his  antagonist  than   the  other  did  to  him, 
and  they  were  both  to  fire  at  the  same  time. 

Hov^r   Sheridan   "Turned   Away"   His   Creditor's 
Wrath 

Sheridan  and  Kelly  were  one  day  in  earnest  con- 
versation close  to  the  gate  of  the  path  (which  was 
then  open  to  the  public)  leading  across  the  church- 
yard of  St.  Paul's,  Covent  Garden,  from  King  Street 
to  Henrietta  Street,  when  Mr.  Holloway,  who  was  a 
creditor  of  Sheridan's  to  a  considerable  amount,  came 
up  to  them  on  horseback,  and  accosted  Sheridan  in  a 
tone  of  something  more  like  anger  than  sorrow,  and 
complained  that  he  never  could  get  admittance  when 
he  called,  vowing  vengeance  against  the  infernal 
Swiss,  Monsieur  Fran9ois,  if  he  did  not  let  him  in  the 
next  time  he  went  to  Hertford  Street. 

Holloway  was  really  in  a  passion.     Sheridan  knew 


trisb  TlUit  anD  l)umor  20i 

that  he  was  vain  of  his  judgment  in  horseflesh,  and, 
without  taking  any  notice  of  the  violence  of  his 
manner,  burst  into  an  exclamation  upon  the  beauty 
of  the  horse  which  he  rode.  He  struck  the  right 
chord. 

"Why,"  said  Holloway,  "  I  think  I  may  say  there 
never  was  a  prettier  creature  than  this.  You  were 
speaking  to  me,  when  I  last  saw  you,  about  a  horse 
for  Mrs.  Sheridan ;  now,  this  would  be  a  treasure  for 
a  lady." 

"  Does  he  canter  well?"  said  Sheridan. 

"  Beautifully,"  replied  Holloway. 

"  If  that's  the  case,  Holloway,"  said  Sheridan,  "I 
really  should  not  mind  stretching  a  point  for  him. 
Will  you  have  the  kindness  to  let  me  see  his  paces?" 

"  To  be  sure,"  said  the  lawyer;  and  putting  him.- 
self  into  a  graceful  attitude,  he  threw  his  nag  into  a 
canter  along  the  market. 

The  moment  his  back  was  turned,  Sheridan  wished 
Kelly  "  good  morning,"  and  went  off  through  the 
churchyard,  where  no  horse  could  follow,  into  Bedford 
Street,  laughing  immoderately,  as  indeed  did  several 
of  the  standers-by.  The  only  person  not  entertainer' 
by  this  practical  joke  was  Mr.  Holloway. 

The  Taxman 

Taxo,  tax&\s,  taxex,  /ajreton,  /ajromen,  laxeXe, 

taxoxxsx. —  Greek  Grammar. 

A  moon  ago,  one  morning,  as  I  tried  to  kill  the  blues 

By  the  fragrance  of  Manillas  and  elopements  in  the 

news. 
All  suddenly  the  echo  of  a  spurious  double  knock 
So  startled  me  that  both  of  them  dropped  from  me  at 

the  shock  ; 
But  my  vinaigrette  was  near — it  was  near  me,  thank 

my  stars. 
For  my   nerves  are  very  weak  from  dissipation  and 

cigars. 
I  sank  upon  the  cushions  of  a  lounger  rich  and  thick 
(Like  all  my  other  furniture,  I  had  it  upon  tick), 
Till    the    valet    brought    me,   grinningly,    an    oblong 

billet-doux, 


202  Hrlsb  mil  anD  Dumor 

With  Queen  Victoria's  compliments,  requesting  one- 
pound  two — 
By  Parnassus,  'tis  the  taxman ;  he  hath  called  three 

times  before — 
"  The  phantom  of  the  threshold" — the  lion's  at  the 

door  ; 
"Say,  Tom,  I'm   sick,  or  not  at  home,  and  won't  be 

back  at  all." 
"  So  I  tould  him,  plase  your  honor,  but  he  wouldn't 

lave  the  hall." 
Well,  then,  thought  I,  soft  solder  must  be  given   as 

before ; 
So  I  took  a  gentle  stimulant,  and  hastened  to  the  door. 
In    my    richest    robe-de-chambre,    and    my    Turkish 

slippers,  too. 
And  my  very  blandest  simper,  I  began  with,  "  Ah— 

how  do?  " 
But  the  taxman  spake  unto   me,  "  Three  times  I've 

called  in  vain  ; 
"  By  the  Hokey  you  shall  rue  it  if  you  make  me  call 

again." 
{Mem. — Probably    this    Hokey's    he    whom    savage 

Muses  sing — 
Of  all  the  islands  cannibal,  the  not  unworthy  king.) 
And  then  thedoorhe  most  melodramaticallyslammed — 
A  fine  emphatic  pantomime,  expressing  "  You  be ." 

A  week  of  doubt  most  terrible,  of  expectation  dire, 
And  again  the  phantom  cometh,  he  cometh  in  his  ire, 
And  the  taxman  spake  unto  me,  he  spake  with  jeer 

and  scoff, 
"  Fork  out  the  blunt  instanter,  or  I'll  cant  your  chat- 
tels off." 

And  thereto,  besides,  moreover,  superadded  he  an  oath, 
But  the  Muse,  unused  to  swearing,  to  repeat  it  here 

is  loath — 
The  Muse,   a  pious  virgin,  never   swears  but  when 

she's  vexed — 
So  alas  for  future  critics  on  this  here  most  classic  text ! 
Screw  microscopic  goggles  on  each  philologic  snout. 
If   the    Muse  won't    tell   you    what  he   swore,   you'll 

scarcely  make  it  out. 


Irisb  limit  anD  Ibumor  203 

But,  courage,  future  philomaths,  and  friends  of  lyric 

lore— 
By  Jingo — living  Jingo — was  the  solemn  oath  he  swore. 
But  who  this  awful  Jingo  is,  none  know,  'tis  very  odd  ; 
He,  possibly,  of  taxmen  is  the  tin-devouring  god. 
In  vain  to  soothe  the  worshiper  of  Jingo  I  began — 
"  Dear  sir,  I'll  tell  my  uncle,  who's  a  very  public  man, 
"  And    whose    ready  generosity  will   gladly  knuckle 

down 
"  Whatever  tin  I  ask  him  for,  from  a  yellow  to  a  brown  ; 
"  And  if  you  call  to-morrow,  I,  mayhap,  shall  tell  you 

then 
"What  Sunday  in  the  coming  week  you'd  better  call 

again." 
Now  the  taxman  spake  not  to  me,  but,  with  eccentric 

bound, 
Like  a  bit  of  Indian-rubber  uprose  he  from  the  ground. 
And  falling  round  the  corner,  from  the  horizon  and 

from  me. 
Went  oflf  hopping  like  a  chess-knight  or  intoxicated 

flea. 
But    many  an    imprecation  flitted    back  on    zephyr's 

wing — 
"  By  Jingo  !  "   and  "  By  Hokey  !— by   Hokey  !  "   and 

"By  Jing!" 
And  though  I  know  he  loves  me  so  he'll  surely  come 

again. 
With  certain  raw  crustaceae,  most  likely  in  his  train, 
The  phantom  and  his  lobster  host  with  calmness  I 

shall  view. 
For  my  uncle  above-mentioned  has  supplied  the  one- 
pound-two.     [2l] 

Full  of  Information 

A  gentleman  going  up  Sixth  Avenue,  New  York, 
overtook  an  Irish  laborer,  to  whom  he  said  :  "  Can 
you  tell  me  if  I  am  half  way  to  Central  Park  ?  " 

"  Faith,  an'  I  may  ;  but  I'll  nade  to  know  where  ye 
started  from,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 

Pursuing  his  inquiries,  and  seeing  a  large  funeral 
procession,  the  gentleman  asked  his  companion  whose 
funeral  it  was. 


204  Icteb  Wit  anD  Dumor 

"  Be  gorrah,  sir,"  said  Pat,  with  a  most  innocent 
look,  "  it's  meself  that  cannot  say  for  sartain,  but  I'm 
afther  thinkin'  it's  the  man'' s  in  the  coffin.'" 

Why  Pat  Refused  to  Buy  a  Trunk 

"  Buy  a  trunk,  Pat  ?  "  said  a  dealer. 
"And  what  for  should  I  buy  a  trunk?"  rejoined 
Pat. 

"  To  put  your  clothes  in,"  was  the  reply. 

"  And  go  naked  ?  "  exclaimed  Pat ;  "  not  a  bit  of  it.*' 

O'Connell  and  His  Literary  Criticism 

Daniel  O'Connell,  on  meeting  a  literary  friend  one 
day,  exclaimed  :  "  I  have  just  seen  a  capital  thing  in 
your  last  new  pamphlet." 

"  Did  you  ?  "  eagerly  replied  the  delighted  listener ; 
"  what  was  it  ?  " 

"  A  pound  of  butter,"  was  the  merciless  answer. 

How  O'Connell  Entrapped  a  Witness 

An  illustration  of  his  dexterity  in  compassing  an 
unfortunate  culprit's  acquittal  may  be  here  narrated. 

He  was  employed  in  defending  a  prisoner  wiio  was 
tried  for  a  murder  committed  in  the  vicinity  of  Cork. 
The  principal  witness  swore  strongly  against  the 
prisoner — one  corroborative  circumstance  was  that 
the  prisoner's  hat  was  found  near  the  place  where  the 
murder  took  place.  The  witness  swore  positively 
the  hat  produced  was  the  one  found,  and  that  it 
belonged  to  the  prisoner,  whose  name  was  James. 

"  By  virtue  of  your  oath,  are  you  positive  that  this 
is  the  same  hat?  " 

"Yes." 

"  Did  you  examine  it  carefully  before  you  swore  in 
your  information  that  it  was  the  prisoner's?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  Now,  let  me  see,"  said  O'Connell,  and  he  took  up 
the  hat,  and  began  carefully  to  examine  the  inside. 
He  then  spelt  aloud  the  name  James— slowly,  thus  : 
"J — a — m — e — s."  "  Now,  do  you  mean  to  say  that 
name  was  in  the  hat  when  you  found  it  ?  " 


Irisb  limit  anD  Ibumor  205 

"Ido.  " 

"  Did  you  see  it  there  ?  " 

"  I  did." 

"  And  this  is  the  same  hat  ?  " 

"It  is." 

"  Now,  my  lord,"  said  O'Connell,  holding  up  the 
hat  to  the  Bench,  "  there's  an  end  to  this  case — there 
is  no  name  whatever  inscribed  in  the  hat." 

The  result  was  instant  acquittal. 

Letting  Out  the  Darkness 

A  gentleman  seeing  an  Irishman  removing  an 
embankment  from  a  dwelling,  inquired  :  "  Patrick, 
what  are  you  doing?" 

"  I  am  opening  the  cellar  window,  to  be  sure." 

"  And  what  are  you  doing  that  for?  " 

"  May  it  plaise  your  honor,"  said  Patrick,  "  to  let 
out  the  dark.^^ 

An  Irish  Recruit's  Height 
I  An  Irish  recruit  was  asked  by  his  officer,  "What's 
[your  height?"  to  which  Pat  replied,  "  The  man  that 
I  measured  me  told  me  it  was  five  feet  ten,  or  ten  feet 
Ifive.  I  am  not  exactly  sure  which,  but  it  was  either 
lone  or  the  other." 

Getting  Paddy  to  Emigrate 
It  frequently  happened  that  far  more  delicate  trusts 
than  those  of  a  financial  nature  were  committed  to 
my  care ;  I  became  the  depository  of  little  secrets  of 
a  very  different  class,  and  especially  amongst  the 
intending  emigrants.  In  no  case,  I  admit,  did  they 
consult  me  unless  they  thought  they  could  obtain 
some  valuable  assistance  ;  but  on  such  occasions  they 
did  not  hesitate,  in  the  most  open  and  unrestrained 
manner,  to  confide  in  me  all  their  hopes  and  fears. 

An  instance  of  this  nature,  and  illustrative  of  what 
I  have  stated,  occurred  about  this  period. 

There  was  at  this  time  a  young  man  living  on  the 
Bath  Estate,  named  Patrick  M'Dermot,  or  "Patsy," 
as  he  was  generally  called  in  the  country.  He  was  an 
idle,  rollicking,  pleasant  fellow,  remarkably  good 
looking,  and  a  general  favorite  amongst  the  girls.  Not 


206  -ffrfsb  TDClit  anD  Ibumor 

a  fair,  nor  a  wake,  nor  a  race,  nor  a  funeral  could  go 
on  with  advantage  unless  Patsy  graced  it  with  his 
presence.  His  father  and  mother  had  died  during  the 
famine.  They  had  held  a  small  plot  of  ground,  and 
a  house  or  cabin  attached  ;  but  not  having  been  of  an 
industrious  disposition,  they  sank  at  once — as  did 
thousands  of  others — when  the  hungry  year  came 
upon  them.  Patsy  was  only  a  "  slip  of  a  boy  "  in 
1847  ;  but  he  was  so  handsome  and  good-natured,  and 
of  such  a  genial,  pleasant  disposition,  that  he  readily 
obtained  the  run  of  his  neighbors'  houses,  who,  partly 
from  pity,  and  partly  because  he  seldom  failed  to 
enliven  the  social  circle  with  his  presence,  were  always 
glad  to  grant  him  "  his  bit  and  sup  "  whenever  he 
chose  to  call  in. 

The  natural  indisposition  to  labor  which  Patsy  had 
inherited  from  his  father  was  by  no  means  amended 
by  this  vagabond  sort  of  life;  and  he  grew  up,  as  I 
have  stated,  a  good-looking  attractive  youth,  with 
manners  superior  to  most  of  the  hard-working  young 
men  around  him,  but  without  having  acquired  any 
habits  of  labor  or  steadv  industry. 

This  was  all  very  well,  and  proved  to  be  a  pleasant 
life  enough,  so  long  as  he  was  not  forced  to  pay  any 
rent  whatever ;  but  when  a  firm  demand  was  made, 
and  a  clear  understanding  come  to,  that  the  rent  must 
be  paid  or  the  land  surrendered,  poor  Patsy  "  lost  his 
presence  of  mind,"  as  he  expressed  it,  and  frankly 
expressed  he  did  not  know  what  to  do.  It  was  in 
this  condition  of  affairs  that  my  first  interview 
occurred  with  Patsy  M'Dermot. 

"Well,  M'Dermot,"  says  I,  as  he  appeared  one  daj 
in  reply  to  a  summons  from  my  office,  "  what  are  you 
going  to  do  ?  You  owe  four  years'  rent.  Are  you 
going  to  settle  the  amount?  " 

"  Couldn't  your  honor  call  me  '  Patsy,'  replied  he, 
evading  my  question  with  adroitness  ;  "  it's  a  kindly 
sort  of  name  the  neighbors  has  for  me,  and  I'd  know 
far  better  how  to  spake  to  your  honor  if  you  was  to 
use  it  yourself." 

"  I  have  no  objection,"  I  answered,  "and  shall  be 
happy  to  call  you  Patsy  in  future ;  but  that  does  nrt 


f  r(6b  TKIlit  an&  Ibumor  207 

affect  my  question,  and  I  must  know  at  once  what 
your  intentions  are,  as  I  cannot  allow  you  to  remain 
in  possession  of  your  land  unless  you  come  to  some 
settlement  about  your  rent." 

"  For  the  matter  of  that,"  replied  Patsy,  "  there  are 
plenty  holdin'  their  land  still  who  owe  as  many  years 
as  I  do?" 

"Quite  true,"  said  I,  "but  I  don't  intend  they 
should  do  so  long." 

"  Maybe  your  honor  won't  find  it  so  aisy  to  put 
them  out  of  it  as  you  think,"  remarked  Patsy. 

"  Perhaps  not,"  replied  I  ;  "  and  perhaps,  also,  I 
estimate  the  difficulties  of  the  situation  quite  as  highly 
as  you  do.  But  let  other  people  take  care  of  their  own 
business,  Patsy,  and  let  me  bring  you  back  to  yours, 
which  you  are  so  uncommonly  quick  at  evading ; 
once  more— do  you  intend  to  pay  up  or  to  emigrate  ?  " 

"  Your  honor  is  mighty  tight  upon  a  poor,  desolate 
orphan  boy  like  me,  without  father  or  mother  to  care 
for  him,"  answered  Patsy,  with  a  slight  affectation  of 
whimper  in  his  tone  of  voice.  "  But  truth  is  best," 
continued  he,  seeing  this  would  not  go  down,  "  and  I 
may  as  well  tell  ye  at  once,  that  I  haven't  a  ha'porth 
of  goods  in  the  world,  nor  as  much  money  in  my 
pocket  as  would  buy  me  a  breakfast  of  Indian  meal." 

"And  how  have  you  lived  up  to  this?"  I 
asked  ;  "  you  don't  seem  starved,  or  as  if  you  had 
wanted  anything ;  even  your  clothes  are  better  than 
most  people  can  afford  these  times.  How  have  you 
got  on  so  well  hitherto  ?  " 

"  Well,  your  honor,"  replied  Patsy,  "  it  would  only 
be  troubling  you  too  much,  and  taking  up  your  time, 
to  tell  you  all  about  it  ;  but  the  neighbors  was  always 
good  to  me,  and  the  girls  was  kind  and  more  than 
good,  as  they  always  are  ;  and,  what  with  one  thing 
or  another,  I  never  wanted  up  to  this — that  is,  always 
barrin'  a  thrifie  of  cash.  I  could  get  victuals  and 
clothes  aisy  enough  ;  but,  somehow,  whenever  I  axed 
the  loan  of  a  few  shillin's,  sorra  farthin'  there  hap- 
pened to  be  in  the  house  just  then,  and  I  never  could 
get  money  to  pay  my  rent.  An'  now,  if  your  honor 
takes  the  little  place  from  me,  maybe  the  girls  them- 


208  Hdsb  ma  anD  t>umot 

selves — good  as  they  always  were — wouldn't  think  me 
so  comely  or  clean  lookin'  a  chap  as  they  always 
thought  me  before." 

"  Nonsense,  Patsy,"  said  I  ;  "  you  know  well  half 
the  girls  in  the  country  are  in  love  with  you,  and 
there  is  no  such  favorite,  I  hear,  in  the  barony." 

"  Was  your  honor  ever  a  bachelor?"  asked  Patsy, 
with  an  innocent  look. 

"  To  be  sure  I  was,"  replied  I. 

"An'  ye  got  married  after  awhile,  I  suppose?" 
inquired  Patsy,  still  retaining  his  affected  innocence. 

"  Of  course  I  did."  said  I ;  you  know  well  I  have  a 
wife  and  family." 

"  I  was  thinkin'  as  much,"  rejoined  Patsy,  with  a 
reflective  air  ;  "  an'  I  was  just  turnin'  in  my  mind 
whether  your  honor  ever  remarked  that  the  noble 
young  ladies  you  would  be  coortin'  ever  found  out  by 
any  chance  in  life  that  you  were  not  nigh  so  handsome 
or  illegant  a  young  gentleman  after  your  wedding  as 
you  was  before  it." 

"You  are  a  shrewd  fellow,"  replied  I,  laughing, 
"  and  uncommonly  active  at  changing  the  venue  from 
your  own  case  to  that  of  some  one  else.  But  all  this 
won't  do.  You  must  give  me  an  answer — Will  you 
pay  up  or  emigrate?" 

"Well,  well,  now,"  observed  Patsy,  scratching  his 
head  in  a  puzzled  manner,  "  but  your  honor  is  mighty 
strict  in  wanting  to  get  a  straight  answer  from  a  poor 
orphan  boy  like  me,  that's  not  accustomed  to  give  it  ; 
but  shure,  I  suppose  if  you  must  have  it  you  must ; 
and  as  I've  no  money  to  '  pay  up,'  as  you  call  it,  and 
as  I  don't  want  to  put  your  honor  to  any  trouble,  I 
suppose  I  must  cross  the  says  like  the  rest  of  them, 
and  seek  my  fortune  in  America.  And  yet,"  he  con- 
tinued in  an  altered  tone,  "  I  think  there  is  ofie  girl, 
and  only  one,  who  would  fret  in  earnest  after  me.  But 
it  can't  be  helped,  she  must  put  up  with  some  other 
boy,  for  I'm  not  able  to  pay  nor  stay  ;  an'  I'd  never  ax 
her  to  bear  the  hardship  of  comin'  out  with  me,  even 
if  she  was  willin'  to  do  it— which,  in  troth,  I  doubt 
she  would  be ;  for  the  girls  like  them  best  as  can 
always  sail  with  a  fair  wind— why  wouldn't  they,  poor 


txieb  TKflit  anD  Ibumoc  209 

things?  So  when  will  your  honor  send  me  out?  I 
have  no  money  to  pay  for  my  passage,  nor  to  buy  a 
ha'porth  for  the  journey;  so  I  will  give  you  up  my 
little  place  freely,  an'  I  only  hope  your  honor  will 
act  by  me  like  a  gentleman,  as  no  doubt  you 
always  wor." 

I  told  him  that  Lord  Bath  always  wished  those  who 
emigrated  from  his  estate  to  go  out  comfortably,  and 
that  I  would  provide  for  him  as  well  as  I  could  ;  that 
he  should  have  a  free  passage  to  any  port  in  America 
he  pleased,  a  respectable  outfit,  and  a  sovereign  in  his 
hand  on  landing. 

"Well,  your  honor,"  observed  Patsy,  on  hearing 
what  could  be  done  for  him,  "  it's  all  very  fair,  and  as 
much  as  I  could  expect ;  an'  the  world  will  go  harder 
with  me  yet,  if  I  don''  t  knock  as  good  a  livin''  out  o' 
them  chaps  in  America  as  ez'er  I  did  in  ould  Ireland  ; 
so  I'll  give  up  the  little  place  wheniver  your  honor 
wishes  it,  and — what  is  better — I'll  give  you  my 
blessin'  along  with  it.  You  may  put  me  down  for 
Boston^      [ii] 

Examples  of  Macklin's  Wit  and  Humor 

Macklin  was  exceedingly  quick  at  a  reply,  especi- 
ally in  a  dispute.  One  day  Dr.  Johnson  was  contend- 
ing some  dramatical  question,  and  quoted  a  passage 
from  a  Greek  poet  in  support  of  his  opinion.  "  I 
don't  understand  Greek,  though,  doctor,"  said 
Macklin.  "  Sir,"  said  Johnson,  pompously,  "a  man 
who  undertakes  to  argue  should  understand  all 
languages."  "  Oh,"  very  well,"  returned  Macklin  ; 
"  how  will  you  answer  this  argument?"  and  immedi- 
ately treated  him  to  a  long  quotation  in  Irish. 


One  night,  sitting  at  the  back  of  the  front  boxes 
with  a  gentleman  of  his  acquaintance,  one  of  the 
underbred  box-lobby  loungers  of  the  day  stood  up 
immediately  before  him,  and  being  rather  large  in 
person,  covered  the  sight  of  the  stage  from  him. 
Everybody  expected  that  Macklin  would  have  knocked 
the   fellow   down,    notwithstanding    his    size,   but   he 

14 


21C  HrfBb  TlClit  anD  Ibumor 

managed  the  matter  in  another  temper.  Patting  him 
gently  on  the  shoulder  with  his  cane,  he  requested  of 
him,  with  apparent  politeness,  "that  when  he  saw  or 
heard  anything  very  entertaining  on  the  stage,  he 
would  be  pleased  to  turn  round  and  let  him  and  the 
gentleman  beside  him  know  of  it ;  for  you  see,  my 
dear  sir,"  added  the  veteran,  "  that  at  present  we 
must  totally  depend  on  you  as  a  telegraph."  This 
had  the  desired  effect  and  the  lonnger  walked  off. 


Macklin  was  very  intimate  with  Frank  Hayman 
(at  that  time  a  well-known  historical  painter),  and 
happening  to  call  upon  him  one  morning  soon  after 
the  death  of  the  painter's  wife,  he  found  him  wrang- 
ling with  the  undertaker  about  his  high  charge  for 
the  funeral  expenses.  Macklin  listened  to  the  alter- 
cation for  some  time  ;  at  last,  going  up  to  Hayman, 
"  Come,  come,  Frank,"  said  he,  "  this  bill,  to  be  sure, 
is  a  little  extravagant,  but  you  should  pay  it,  if  it 
were  only  on  account  of  the  respect  you  owe  j'our 
wife's  memory;  for  I  am  sure,"  he  added,  with  the 
greatest  gravity,  "  she  would  have  paid  twice  as  much 
for  your  burial  with  the  greatest  gladness,  if  she  had 
had  the  opportunity." 


An  Irish  dignitary  of  the  church,  not  remarkable 
for  his  veracity,  complaining  that  a  tradesman  of  his 
parish  had  called  him  a  liar,  Macklin  asked  what 
reply  he  had  made  him.  "  I  told  him,"  said  the 
bishop,  "that  a  lie  was  among  those  things  that  I 
dared  not  commit."  "And  why,  doctor,"  said 
Macklin,  with  an  indescribable  sort  of  a  comic  frown, 
"  why  did  you  give  the  rascal  so  erroneous  a  notion 
of  your  courage  ?  " 

A  Discussion  on  Light 

Two  Irishmen  entered  one  day  into  earnest  dis- 
cussion on  the  comparative  usefulness  of  the  sun  and 
moon. 

"  Shure,  the  sun  gives  a  stronger  light,"  said  one. 

"  But  the  moon  is  more  sensible,"  replied  the  other. 


irrisb  Timtt  anD  Ibumoi:  211 

"  How  do  yees  make  that  out?  " 

"  Oh,  it's  aisy." 

"  Let's  hear  yees  prove  it." 

"  Bedad,  the  moon  shines  in  the  night,  when  we 
nade  it,  while  the  sun  comes  out  in  broad  daylight, 
when  even  a  one-e  ed  man  can  see  without  it." 

A  Vividly  Descriptive  Advertisement 
A  paper  printed  not  a  hundred  miles  from  Dublin 

contained  the  following  advertisement : 

"  Lost,  a  cameo  brooch,   representing  Venus   and 

Adonis  on  the   Drumcondea  road,  about  ten  o'clock 

on  Wednesday  evening." 

O'Connell  Outwitted 

Lord    B ,  who  wore  a  huge   pair    of   whiskers. 

meeting  Mr.  O'Connell  in  Dublin,  the  latter  said  : 

"  When  do  you  mean  to  place  your  whiskers  on  the 
peace  establishment  ?  " 

"  When  you  place  your  tongue  on  the  civil  list," 
was  the  witty  rejoinder. 

Refusing  to  Become  a  Forger 

Pat  Murphy  was  a  candidate  for  admission  into  the 
police  force  of  a  certain  town,  and  his  appearance 
before  the  mayor  was  hailed  with  a  cry  from  the 
crowd  of  would-be  officials  : 

"  He  can't  write  his  name,  your  honor  !  " 

His  honor  announced  that  he  was  only  there  to 
take  down  the  names  of  those  who  wished  to  apply 
for  the  vacant  situation,  and  told  Murphy  to  come 
again  that  day  fortnight. 

"Now,  Pat,"  said  a  well-wisher,  "go  home,  and 
every  night  do  you  get  a  big  piece  of  paper  and  a 
good  stout  pen,  and  keep  writing  your  name.  I'll 
set  the  copv  for  you." 

Pat  obeyed  instructions  ;  and  when  the  day  came 
and  the  mayor  asked  if  he  could  write,  boldly 
replied  : 

"  Troth,  an  it's  meself  that  jist  can." 

"  Take  that  pen,"  said  the  mayor,  "  and  write  your 
name." 


212  Uriab  TlUlit  anD  Ibumor 

As  Pat  took  up  the  pen,  exclamations  arose  behind 
him. 

"Pat's  a-writing;  he's  got  a  quill  in  his  fist!" 
cried  an  amazed  rival. 

"  Small  good  will  it  do  him  ;  he  can't  write  wid  it !  " 
cried  another. 

They  were  dumbfounded  when  Murphy  recorded 
his  name  in  a  bold,  round  hand,  and  the  Mayor 
declared  "That'll  do;"  but,  recovering  from  their 
surprise,  two  of  them  shouted  out  together  : 

"Ask  him    to   write    somebody   else's  name,  your 
honor." 
,     "  W^rite  my  name.  Murphy,"  said  the  mayor. 

"  Write  yer  honor's  name  !  "  exclaimed  Pat.  "  Me 
commit  forgery,  an'  goin'  into  the  police!  I  can't  do 
it,  yer  honor  !  " 

Double  Meanings 

When  the  Irish  Union  was  effected  in  1801  the 
Ex-Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer,  Sir  John  Parnell, 
was  the  reigning  toast.  Being  one  evening  at  an 
evening  party  he  jocularly  said  that  by  the  Union  he 
had  lost  his  bread  and  butler. 

"  Ah,  my  dear  sir,"  replied  a  friend,  "never  mind, 
for  it  is  amply  made  up  to  you  in  /oasis." 


At  this  time,  too,  it  was  customary  to  drink  "  to  the 
Union."  An  old  country  farmer,  who  was  not  very 
well  informed  about-  politics,  sent  his  assembled 
guests  into  roars  of  laughter  by  his  rendering  of  the 
popular  toast  :  "  Here's  wishing  we  may  all  ^o  lo 
the   Union.''' 

Foote,  praising  the  hospitality  of  the  Irish,  after  one 
of  his  trips  to  the  sister-kingdom,  a  gentleman  asked 
him  whether  he  had  ever  been  to  Cork?  "  No,  sir," 
replied  Foote  :  "  but  I  have  seen  many  drawings  of  it." 


An  Irish  bailiff,  having  been  directed  by  a  former 
Lady  Hardwick,  who  was  by  no  means  slender,  to 
procure  a  sow  of  the  breed  and  size  she  particularly 


Irtsb  mix  anC>  TDumor  213 

described  to  him,  nished  one  evening  into  the  dining- 
room,  when  full  of  company,  proclaiming  with  a  loud 
burst  of  joy  which  he  could  not  suppress  :  "  I've  been 
at  Royston  fair,  my  lady,  and  got  a  sow  exactly  of 
your  ladyship's  size." 

Paddy  "  In  the  Interim  " 

The  habit  of  verbosity  is  a  standard  characteristic 
of  human  nature.  We  have  all  met  people  who  are 
fond  of  using  high-sounding  speech.  A  gentleman 
said  to  his  servant  Pat  :  "  I  am  going  to  town  at  ten 
o'clock,  and  shall  weed  out  the  cucumber  bed  in  the 
interim." 

"  Interim,"  thought  Pat,  "that's  a  quare  name  for 
a  garden,  anyhow." 

''Is  Mr.  Smith  at  home?"  asked  a  visitor,  who 
came  shortly  afterwards. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  yell  find  him  at  work  in  his  interim, 
there  beyant,"  announced  Pat. 

A  Letter  from  Purgatory 

An  old  lady  had  an  ancient  servant  named  Ann  Brady, 
who  lived  with  her  for  many  years.  One  day  Ann  came 
in  to  her  mistress  in  the  parlor,  crying  and  roaring  : 

"  Now.  aint  I  the  unfortunate  woman  !  Och,  what 
shall  I  do  at  all,  at  all  !  " 

"  What's  the  matter,  Ann?"  said  her  mistress. 

"  Och,  ma'am,"  replied  Ann,  "thepostmnn'soutside, 
and  he's  got  a  letter  for  me  from  purgatory,  and  I 
know  it's  from  my  ould  mother,  who's  been  there  this 
ten  5'ears.  and  it's  all  about  me  not  paying  for  the 
masses  I  said  I  would.  Ochone !  but  I  am  the  miser- 
able woman  !  " 

On  her  mistress  going  out  she  found  the  postman 
in  a  fit  of  laughter  with  a  letter  directed  to  ''  Ann 
Brady,  from  the  Dead   Letter  Office." 

Nothing  could  induce  her  to  touch  it.  tho  "  Dead" 
to  her  meaning  purgatory  and  nothing  else  ;  and  her 
mistress  was  obliged  to  open  the  letter  for  her,  and 
found  it  was  one  .Ann  had  written  to  her  nephew  in 
Clare,  but  who  had  gone  to  .-America,  and  consequently 
the  letter  had  been  returned. 


214  lirl6b  TKatt  anD  Ibumor 

An  Irish  Dispute  about  Anchovies 

Two  Irish  gentlemen  being  on  a  certain  occasion  at 
cross-purposes  touching  the  natural  history  of  ancho- 
vies, one  of  the  disputants  expressed  his  firm  and 
unalterable  conviction  that  the  other  had  not  the 
faintest  glimmering  of  an  idea  as  to  what  an  anchovy 
was. 

"  'Deed,  then,  I  know  as  well  as  any  man  living," 
was  the  retort,  "  for  I've  gathered  lashins  of  them  of*- 
the  bushes  on  the  rocks  of  Malta." 

High  words  followed.  Naturally,  the  more  enraged 
person  of  the  twain  was  (as  usual)  he  who  was  in 
the  wrong.  To  doubt  his  sacred  word  of  honor  when 
he  distinctly  stated  that  with  his  own  hand  he  had 
culled  the  fragrant  anchovy  from  the  flourishing  tree 
where  it  grew,  was  more  than  the  mildest  of  Irish 
gentlemen  could  sit  down  under. 

He  sent  a  message  next  morning  by  a  friend,  and  a 
hostile  meeting  was  arranged  in  the  most  amicable 
way.  At  the  first  shot  the  doubter,  being  winged, 
began  to  dance  about  in  much  pain. 

"  Pretty  capers  he's  cutting,"  calmly  observed  one 
of  the  seconds  ;  and  at  the  sound  of  the  word 
"  capers  "  a  strange  new  light  dawned  on  the  chal- 
lenger's face. 

"Capers,  is  it?"  cried  he;  "  bedad,  then,  it's 
capers  I  was  maning  all  the  while  !  " 

The  Result  of  Having  No  Time 

On  the  occasion  of  some  popular  movement  in  Tip- 
perary  between  1840  and  1844.  Doheney,  on  return- 
ing to  town,  thus  described  his  labors  :  "  For  a  fort- 
night I  was  constantly  in  the  saddle,  or  on  Bianconi's 
car,  or  addressing  meetings,  or  attending  committees. 
For  more  than  ten  days  I  had  not  time  to  change  my 
linen."  "  Not  change  your  linen  !  "  answered  McCar- 
thy (the  "  Desmond  "  of  the  Nation),  with  a  shudder 
of  disgust;  "you're  as  bad  as  the  fashionable  ladies 
in  the  '  Song  of  the  Shirt '  : 

"  '  Tis  not  the  linen  you're  wearing  out, 
But  living  creatures'  lives.'  "     [lo] 


Urisb  mit  an&  Ibumor  215 

"  A  Local  Habit-ation  and  a  Name  " 

Vicar  of  Bally  hooley  :  "Well,  Mab,  my  child,  have 
you  made  up  your  mind  to  the  Irish  vicar?  " 

Mab:  "Oh,  I  don't  know,  father — he's  so 
eccentric." 

Vicar's  Wife:  "Eccentric,  dear?" 

Mab:  "Yes,  mother.  When  he's  in  Belfast 
he  calls  his  congregation  '  dear  Belfast  souls  '  ;  and  in 
Dublin  'dear  Dublin  souls';  and  in  Cork  'dear 
Cork  souls.'  " 

Another  Way  of  Looking  at  It 

Priest:  "Why,  Pat,  coming  again  from  the  inn?" 
Pat:  "Of  course,  your  riverence,  I  cannot  always 
stay  there." 

Cause  for  Thankfulness 

In  the  Theatre  Royal,  Dublin,  when  the  Italian 
company  came  to  play  "  Faust,"  the  actor  who  took 
the  part  of  Mephistopheles  neglected  to  tr}'  the  trap- 
door by  which  he  was  supposed  to  descend  into  the 
infernal  regions.  His  bulk  was  too  large  for  the 
opening,  and  at  the  supreme  moment  he  discovered 
that  he  could  not  get  down  above  the  waist.  To 
heighten  the  awkwardness  of  the  situation,  and  to 
relieve  the  strained  feelings  of  the  audience,  one  of 
the  gods  in  the  gallery,  in  a  rich  Irish  brogue, 
exclaimed,  "  Begorra  !  the  place  is  full." 

Cutting  Off  His  Chance  of  Retreat 

"Well,  my  good  fellow,"  said  a  victorious  general 
to  a  brave  son  of  Erin  after  a  battle,  "  and  what  did 
you  do  to  help  us  to  gain  this  victory?  " 

"  Do  .^  "  replied  Mike  ;  "  may  it  plase  your  honor,  I 
walked  up  bouldy  to  one  of  the  enemy,  and  cut  off 
his  feet." 

"Cut  off  his  feet!  Why  did  you  not  cut  off  his 
head  ?  "  said  the  general. 

"Ah!  and  faith,  that  was  off  already,"  replied 
Mike. 


216  itltJb  Mit  anD  Ibumor 

A  Kind  Master 

An  Irishman,  Pat  by  name,  was  employed  in  one  of 
the  Newark  manufactories.  Pat  had  a  habit  of  get- 
ting on  sprees,  and  neglecting  his  work  when  it  was 

most  needed.     Mr.  W ,  one  of  the  firm,  who  had 

the  supervision  of  the  establishment,  frequently 
remonstrated  with  him,  but  to  little  purpose,  until 
one  day,   as  Pat  came  in  rather  the  worse   for   the 

"  crayture,'  and  became  somewhat  noisy,  Mr.  \V 

called  him  into  the  office.    After  awhile  Pat  came  out, 

when  a  number  went  up  to  hear  what  Mr.  W had 

said  this  time.     Said  Pat : 

"Misther  VV is  a  fine  man^avery  finegintleman.'' 

"  Well,  what  did  he  say  to  you  ?  " 

"  Och,  an'  he  talked  kindly  to  me,  jist  like  a  fahther. 

An'  sure,  Misther  \V is  a  fine  man,  an'  he  spaked  to 

me  jist  like  a  kind  fahther  ;  and  told  me  if  I  ever  came 
in  dhrunk  agin  he  would  kick  me  out  of  the  shop  !  " 

Pat  and  a  Runaway  Horse 
An   Irishman   getting  on   a   high-mettled    horse,  it 

ran  away  with  him,  upon  which  one  of  his  companions 

called  to  him  to  stop  him. 

"  Arrah,   honey,"   cried  he,    "how    can    I  do   that 

when  I've  goL  no  spurs  /  ' ' 

An  Ingenious  Defence 

A  soldier  of  a  cavalry  regiment,  during  the  Crimean 
War,  was  brought  up  for  stealing  his  comrade's 
ration-liquor.  He  was  an  Irishman,  and  his  defence 
was  unique : 

"  I'd  be  sorry,  indade,  sorr,  to  be  called  a  thief.  I 
(put  the  liquor  in  the  same  bottle,  and  mine  was  at  the 
;bottom,  and,  shure,  I  was  obliged  to  drink  his  to  get 
jat  mine.     Och,  sorr,  I'd  scorn  to  be  a  thief !  " 

It  is  not  known  whether  this  very  ingenious  defence 
got  him  off  or  not. 

A  Hard-hearted  Irishman 
A  Limerick  banker,  remarkable   for  his  sagacity, 
had  an  iron  leg,  "which,"  said  Curran,  "  is  the  so/test 
part  about  him." 


Irieb  IKait  m^  Ibumor  217 

Paddy's  Explana  ion 
An  Irishman  having  accidentally  broken  a  pane  of 
glass  in  a  window  was  making  the  best  of  his  way  out 
of  sight ;  but  unfortunately  for  Pat,  the  proprietor 
stole  a  march  on  him  ;  and  having  seized  him  by  the 
collar,  exclaimed  :  "  You  broke  my  window,  fellow, 
did  you  not  ?  "  "  To  be  sure  I  did,"  said  Pat,  "  and 
didn't  you  see  me  running  home  for  money  to  pay 
for  it?" 

How  Maggie's  Wit  Avoided  a  Scandal — A  True 
S  cry 

In  a  cabin  on  a  hillside,  overlooking  the  Bay  of 
Dublin,  dwelt  a  middle-aged  brother  and  sister.  The 
man  was  a  helpless  cripple,  entirely  dependent  upon 
his  sister's  exertions  ;  and  on  her  death  a  car  was  sent 
from  the  poorhouse  to  bring  him  thither  for  shelter. 
The  poor  wretch  clung  to  the  only  home  he  had  ever 
known,  and  utterly  refused  to  leave  it,  crying  he 
would  die  if  deprived  of  his  "say  air,  and  shut  up 
within  prison  walls." 

His  loud  lamentations  had  brought  the  priest  and 
some  of  the  neighbors  to  his  side,  and  one  of  the 
latter,  Maggie  O'Flynn,  felt  a  deep  impulse  of  pity 
toward  the  unfortunate  man.  She  was  a  single 
woman  of  about  fifty-five,  of  weather-beaten  and 
certainly  not  attractive  appearance.  She  had  acted 
as  herd  on  the  estate  of  a  gentleman  to  whom  her 
services  were  invaluable. 

"  Hould  hard  ! ' '  she  said  to  the  workhouse  oi^cials  ; 
"  it's  not  Maggie  O'Flynn  that  'ull  see  a  poor  crayture 
taken  to  the  poorhouse  when  she  can  give  him  a  shelter. 
It's  a  corner  and  a  welcome  in  me  own  cabin  the 
unfortunate  Mick  Costilloe  shall  have." 

But  here  his  reverence  interposed,  and  vowed  he 
would  allow  no  such  scandal  in  the  parish  as  an 
unmarried  man  and  woman  sharing  the  same 
dwelling. 

"  Shure,  Maggie,  you  won't  go  back  on  your  word  ?  " 
implored  poor  Mick  in  despair. 

Maggie  hesitated  a  moment,  then  turning  to  the 
priest,  said,  "  If  there's  no  other  way  to  save  him  from 


218  irtsb  llCllt  anO  Ibumor 

the  house,  your  reverence,  1*11  marry  him,  and  sorra 
a  ha'porth  will  any  one  be  able  to  say  agin  it  thin." 

It  was  in  vain  that  his  reverence  pointed  out  the 
terrible  burden  Maggie  was  taking  upon  herself. 

"  It's  for  the  love  of  God  I'm  marryin'  him,  and 
not  to  please  meself,"  was  the  answer  she  returned  ; 
"  an'  sure  the  Blessed  Virgin  will  never  let  me  want 
for  the  bit  and  the  sup  when  she  sees  me  sharing  it 
with  the  craythur  that  has  naythur." 

The  marriage  took  place,  and  until  his  death  sev- 
eral years  later,  the  kind-hearted  Maggie  O'Flynn 
carefully  tended  and  supported  the  cripple  in  her 
own  cabin.      [23] 

An  Irish  Rencontre 

/  When  two  Irish  laborers  meet  in  England,  the 
/  common  salutation  is  :  "Ah,  Pat  !  I'm  glad  to  meet  you 
(  on  V other  side  of  the  waters 

Gone— But  Not  "Lost" 

The  servant  of  a  naval  commander,  an  Irishman, 
one  day  let  a  tea-kettle  fall  into  the  sea,  upon  which 
he  ran  to  his  master,  "  Arrah,  an'  plase  your  honor, 
can  anything  be  said  to  be  lost  when  you  know  where 
it  is?" 

"  Certainly  not,"  replied  the  officer. 

"Why,  then,  by  my  sowl  and  St.  Patrick,  the  tea- 
kettle is  at  the  bottom  of  the  say." 

An  Irishman's  Walk  to  England 

An  Irishman,  while  on  his  passage  to  this  country 
in  search  of  harvest  work,  was  observed  to  walk  up  and 
down  the  deck  at  a  brisk  pace,  occasionally  giving  a 
look  at  the  captain  whenever  he  came  in  sight,  as  if 
to  attract  his  observation.  On  being  asked  by  the 
steward  for  his  passage  money,  when  nearing  the  port 
of  destination,  Pat  replied,  '  Arrah,  honey,  be  aisy 
now ;  sure  the  master  won't  do  such  a  dirty  trick  as 
charge  a  poor  shearer,  who  has  walked  the  whole 
wayy 


Irisb  Mlt  anD  Ibumor  219 

Curran  and  the  Tobacconist 

Mr.  Lundy  Foot,  a  celebrated  tobacconist,  applied 
to  Curran  for  a  motto  when  he  first  established  his 
carriage.  "  Give  me  one,  my  dear  Curran,"  said  he, 
"  of  a  serious  cast,  because  I'm  afraid  the  people  will 
laugh  at  a  tobacconist  setting  up  a  carriage ;  and  for 
the  scholarship'' s  sake,  let  it  be  Latin." 

"  I  have  just  hit  on  it,"  said  Curran  ;  "it  is  only  two 
words,  and  it  will  at  once  explain  your  profession, 
your  elevation,  and  your  contempt  for  their  ridicule, 
and  it  has  the  advantage  of  being  in  two  languages, 
Latin  or  English,  just  as  the  reader  chooses.  Put  up 
'  Quid  Rides''  upon  your  carriage." 

How  Swift  Cured  a  Lady  of  Love  of  Dress 

An  instance  of  Swift's  straightforward  good  sense, 
accompanied  by  amusing  eccentricity,  is  related  in 
connection  with  his  visit  to  a  farmer  near  Quilca, 
with  whom  he  went  to  dine.  The  farmer's  wife  was 
dressed  very  expensively,  and  her  son  appeared  in  a 
silver-laced  hat.  The  Dean  of  St.  Patrick's  saluted 
her  like  a  duchess,  and  with  successive  bows,  handed 
her  to  a  seat,  proposing  to  her  husband  to  "  look  over 
his  demesne."  "  The  devil  a  foot  of  laud  belongs  to 
me  or  any  of  my  line ;  I  have  a  pretty  good  lease 
from  my  Lord  Fingall,  but  he  will  not  renew  it,  and 
I  have  only  a  few  years  to  come."  The  dean  asked 
when  he  was  to  see  Mrs.  Riley.  "  There  she  is 
before  you."  "Impossible!  I  always  heard  Mrs. 
Riley  was  a  prudent  woman  ;  she  never  would  dress 
herself  out  in  silks  and  ornaments  only  fit  for  ladies 
of  fortune  and  fashion.  No,  Mrs.  Riley,  the  farmer's 
wife,  would  never  wear  anything  beyond  plain  stuffs 
and  other  things  suitable."  Mrs.  Riley,  who  really  was 
a  woman  of  sense,  took  the  hint,  went  out,  changed 
her  dress  to  an  apparel  proper  for  a  farmer's  wife,  and 
returned  ;  the  dean  then  took  her  by  the  hand,  and 
said,  in  the  most  friendly  manner,  "  Your  husband 
wanted  to  pass  off  a  fine  lady  upon  me,  dressed  up 
in  silk  in  the  pink  of  the  mode,  for  his  wife,  but  I  was 
not  to  be  taken  in."     He  then  took  a  pen-knife,  cut 


220  txisb  Mit  anD  1)umor 

the  silver  lace  off  the  young  master's  hat,  and  folding 
it  up  in  several  papers,  put  it  in  the  fire  ;  when  burnt 
sufficiently,  he  took  it  out  and  wrapped  it  in  fresh 
paper,  and  put  it  in  his  pocket.  He  then  resumed 
his  good  humor,  entertained  them  in  a  manner  that 
could  not  be  excelled,  as  no  one  knew  better  how  to 
suit  his  conversation  to  his  hearers,  and  the  day 
passed  cheerfully.  When  he  went  away,  he  said,  "  I 
don't  intend  to  rob  you,  there's  your  son's  hat  lace. 
I  have  changed  its  form  for  a  better  one.  God  bless 
you,  and  thanks  for  your  good  entertainment."  The 
paper  contained  the  burnt  lace  with  four  guineas. 
He  kept  his  eye  afterwards  on  these  Rileys,  and 
finding  they  were  cured  of  their  foolish  finery,  he 
afterwards  induced  Lord  Fingall  to  renew  their 
lease. 

"  Potheen  "  versus  "Tay  " 

Tom  Burke,  just  after  the  death  of  his  father,  went 
into  the  kitchen,  where  the  cook  had  company. 
They,  being  kind-hearted  people,  pressed  him  to 
take  a  cup  of  tea,  but  Tom's  friend  Darby  said  in  a 
contemptuous  tone  of  voice  : 

"  Arrah  !  what's  tay  ?  A  few  dirty  leaves,  with  a  drop 
of  water  on  top  of  them,  that  has  neither  beatification 
nor  invigoration.  Here's  the  '/o?is  animi/'"  said 
he,  patting  the  whiskey  bottle  affectionately.  "  Did 
you  ever  hear  of  the  ancients  indulging  in  tay?  D'ye 
think  Polyphamus  and  Jupiter  took  tay?" 

The  cook  looked  down  abashed  and  ashamed. 

"  Tay's  good  enough  for  women — no  offence,  Mrs. 
Cook  !— but  you  might  boil  down  Paykin  and  it'd 
never  be  potheen.  Ex-  quo  vis  ligyio  nonfit  Mercur- 
ius — '  You  can't  make  a  silk  purse  out  of  a  sow's  ear.' 
That's  the  meaning  of  it — lignd' s  a  sow."      [6] 

Retort  Courteous 

"Hold  your  tongue,  for  a  fool,''  was  the  polite 
recommendation  of  an  Irish  husband. 

"Sure,  then,  you're  going  to  spake j'our.y^^,"  was 
the  equally  polite  reply  of  the  wife. 


Icisb  llClit  anD  Ibumor  221 

Why  Mike  Didn't  Pull  the  Trigger 
Mike,  why  don't  you  fire  at  those  ducks,  boy — 

/don't  you  see  you  have  got  the  whole  flock  before 

[your  gun  ?  " 

I  know  I  have,  but  when  I  get  good  aim  at  one, 

two  or  three  others  will  swim  right  betwixt  it  and 

me.'* 

Swift's  First  Appearance  at   Button's  Coffee 
House 

The  knot  of  wits  used  to  assemble  at  Button's  coffee- 
house ;  and  I  had  a  singular  account  of  Swift's  first 
appearance  there  from  Ambrose  Philips,  who  was  one 
of  Mr.  Addison's  little  senate.  He  said  that  they 
had  for  some  successive  days  observed  a  strange 
clergyman  come  into  the  coffee-house,  who  seemed 
utterly  unacquainted  with  any  of  those  who  fre- 
quented it  ;  and  whose  custom  it  was  to  lay  his  hat 
down  on  the  table,  and  walk  backward  and  forward 
at  a  good  pace  for  half  an  hour,  without  speaking  to 
any  mortal,  or  seeming  in  the  least  to  attend  to  any- 
thing that  was  going  forward  there.  He  then  used  to 
take  up  his  hat,  pay  his  money  at  the  bar,  and  walk 
away  without  opening  his  lips.  After  having  observed 
this  singular  behavior  for  some  time,  they  concluded 
him  to  be  out  of  his  senses  ;  and  the  name  that  he 
went  by  among  them  was  that  of  "  the  mad  parson." 
This  made  them  more  than  usually  attentive  to  his 
motions  ;  and  one  evening,  as  Mr.  Addison  and  the 
rest  were  observing  him,  they  saw  him  cast  his  eyes 
several  times  on  a  gentleman  in  boots,  who  seemed  to 
be  just  come  out  of  the  country,  and  at  last  advanced 
towards  him  as  if  intending  to  address  him.  They 
were  all  eager  to  hear  what  this  dumb  mad  parson 
had  to  say,  and  immediately  quitted  their  seats  to  get 
near  him.  Swift  went  up  to  the  country  gentleman, 
and  in  a  very  abrupt  manner,  without  any  previous 
salute,  asked  him,  "  Pray,  sir,  do  you  remember  any 
good  weather  in  the  world  ?  "  The  country  gentle- 
man, after  staring  a  little  at  the  irregularity  of  his 
manner,  and  the  oddity  of  the  question,  answered, 
"Yes,  sir;  I  thank  God,  I  remember  a  great  deal  of 


222  Urisb  IKait  anD  Ibumor 

good  weather  in  my  time."  "  That  is  more,"  said 
Swift,  "than  I  can  say;  I  never  remember  any 
weather  that  was  not  too  hot  or  too  cold,  too  wet  or 
too  dry ;  but,  however  God  Almighty  contrives  it, 
at  the  end  of  the  year  'tis  all  very  well."  Upon 
saying  this,  he  took  up  his  hat,  and  without  uttering 
a  syllable  more,  or  taking  the  least  notice  of  anyone, 
walked  out  of  the  coffee-house,  leaving  all  those  who 
had  been  spectators  of  this  odd  scene  staring  after 
him,  and  still  more  confirmed  in  the  opinion  of  his 
being  mad.      [25] 

A  Doubting  Day 

Walking  along  a  street  one  day,  Patrick  and  his 
wife  Nora  passed  by  a  window  where  a  handsome  silk 
dress  was  exposed  to  view. 

"Ah,  Patrick,"  said  Nora,  "do  ye  remember  ye 
said  I  was  to  have  the  silk  dhriss  when  ye  had  the 
money  to  buy  it  ?" 

"  Did  I  say  that,  Nora  ?  " 

"  Indade  ye  did,  Patrick.  An'  ye  have  the  money 
in  yer  pocket  to  buy  me  the  dhriss  the  day." 

"  That  I  have,  Nora  ;  but  I  don't  buy  you  the 
dhriss." 

"An'  why  not,  shure?" 

"  It's  bist,  Nora,  that  I  kape  the  money  in  me 
pocket  for  the  day  whin  we  haven't  got  it." 

Provisions  Cheap — Money  Dear 
An    Irish    gentleman,    in    the    warmth    of   national 

veneration,  was  praising  Ireland  for  the  cheapness  of 

provisions;  a  salmon  might  be  bought  for  sixpence, 

and  a  dozen  mackerel  for  twopence. 

"  And  pray,  sir,  how  came  you  to  leave  so  cheap  a 

country?" 

"  Arrah,    honey !    where   were   the   sixpences  and 

twopences  to  be  got  ?  ' ' 

Afraid  of  Justice 

An  Irishman,  placed  at  the  bar,  complained  bitterly 
that  he  should  be  placed  in  such  an  awkward  posi- 
tion, so  far  from  friends  and  home. 


Irisb  mix  anD  Ibiimot  223 

The  judge  felt  kindly  toward  him,  and  said:  "Be 
calm,  young  man  ;  you  may  rest  assured  that,  although 
among  strangers,  inUjus/ue  zcill  be  done you^ 

'*  Be  me  soul,  yer  honor,"  groaned  Pat,  "and  it's 
the  fear  of  that  same  that  troubles  me  !  " 

Pat's  Description  of  the  Prisoner 
Magistrate:    "Describe  the   man   whom   you  saw 

assaulting  the  complainant." 

Policeman  :  "  He  was  a  little,  insignificant-looking 

cratur,  about  your  size,  your  worship." 

Accepting  a  Good  Offer 

London  Shoeblack  {to  Innocent  Paddy):  "Shine 
your  boots,  sir  ?  " 

Innocent  Paddy  :  "  Indade,  you  may,  sorr  !  "  Then 
(leaving  the  shoeblack  unpaid)  :  "  Indade,  an'  the 
bhoys  are  very  clane  an'  koind  in  this  part  of  the 
counthry." 

Foote  and  the  Actress 

Samuel  Foote  was  generous  to  his  actors  and  much 
liked  by  them,  and  he  was  much  more  considerate 
and  business-like  than  some  of  his  habits  would  lead 
one  to  suppose.  An  actress  complained  to  him  one 
day  of  the  low  salary  she  had  from  Garrick,  at  Drury 
Lane,  on  which  Foote  asked  her  why  she  had  gone  to 
him,  knowing  the  salary  she  might  have  had  at  the 
Haymarket. 

"Oh,  I  don't  know  how  it  was,"  she  said;  "he 
talked  me  over  so  by  telling  me  he  would  make  me 
immortal,  that  I  did  not  know  how  to  refuse  him." 

"  Did  he  so,  indeed,"  said  Foote.  "Well,  then,  I 
suppose  I  must  outbid  him  that  way.  Come  to  me, 
then,  when  you  are  free;  I'll  give  you  two  pounds  a 
week  more,  and  charge  you  nothing  for  immortality." 

An  Irish  *' Tu  Quoque" 
Mr.  Feargus  O'Connor  is  the  hero  of  a  story  which 
deserves  to  outlive  his  political  achievements.  His 
father,  Roger  O'Connor,  was  tried  for  robbing  a  mail 
coach  with  the  assistance  of  his  sons.  The  object  of 
this   adventure  was   probably   to   get   possession   of 


224  f  i!5b  ma  anD  Dumor 

political  documents,  but  the  government  thought 
proper  to  treat  the  adventure  as  an  ordinary  highway 
robbery,  and  so  it  came  to  be  considered.  More  than 
a  dozen  years  afterwards,  Feargus,  traveling  on  a 
stage  coach,  in  a  district  where  he  believed  himself 
unknown,  amused  the  passengers  by  bantering  the 
guard  on  his  age  and  infirmities. 

"You  are  too  hard  on  me,  Mr.  Feargus,"  said  the 
guard. 

"  Why,  my  good  fellow,  you  seem  to  know  me." 
"  Of  course  I  do,  yer  honor,  why  should  not  I  ?     It 
was  I  that  had  charge  of  the  mail  Ihal  7ught.''    [lo] 

"Exit"  Paddy! 

Two  Irishmen  visited  a  well-known  perambulating 
menagerie.  After  completing  the  circuit  of  the  show 
they  came  to  a  slit  in  the  canvas  with  a  bill  printed 
above  it  in  large  letters,  containing  the  legend  "  Exit." 

"  Begorra  !  Pat,"  said  one  of  them,  "  here's  a  place 
we  mustn't  miss.  I  wonder  what  sort  of  a  baste 
'Exit'  is?" 

They  followed  the  index  finger  on  the  bill,  and  to 
their  wonder  and  astonishment  next  moment  found 
themselves  among  the  crowd  outside. 

"  Och,  bedad,"  says  Mick,  shaking  his  fist  at  the 
man  who  barred  his  re-entrance,  "Ye're  an  auld 
swindler,  ye  are.    Bad  luck  to  you  and  your  old  show." 

Praying  for  Rain 

A  clergyman  going  the  rounds  of  his  country  parish 
in  the  South  of  Ireland,  met  a  farmer  who,  though 
residing  in  a  neighboring  parish  was  a  regular  attend- 
ant at  his  church. 

Said  Pat :  "  Af  ye  plase,  yer  reverence,  would  yer 
mind  prayin'  for  a  wee  drop  o'  rain  next  Sunday,  for 
sorra  a  thing  '11  grow  in  me  little  garden  wid  the 
present  hate  of  the  weather?  " 

''  Sorry  to  hear  that,  Pat,"  replied  the  divine,  "  but 
you  ought  to  ask  your  own  parson,  not  me." 

"  Ah,  shure,"  was  the  reply,  "  that's  just  it ;  what's 
the  good  in  axin'  him  to  pray  for  rain  wid  them  cocks 
o'  hay  a-standing  on  his  lawn?" 


Hcisb  TliGlit  anO  Ibumoc  225 

How  An  Irish  Purchaser  Cheated  Himself 
A  shopkeeper  purchased  of  an  Irishwoman  a  quan- 
tity of  butter,  the  lumps  of  which,  intended  for  pounds, 
he  weighed  in  the  balance  and  found  them  wanting. 

"Sure,  it's  your  own  fault  if  they  are  light,"  said 
Biddy  in  reply  to  the  complaints  of  the  buyer.  "  It's 
your  own  fault,  sir,  for  wasn't  it  with  a  pound  of  your 
own  soap  I  bought  here,  that  I  weighed  them  !  " 

An  Irish  Pig  Hunt 

An  Irishman  was  observed  the  other  day  in  a  wild 
chase  after  a  pig,  up  one  street,  down  another,  the 
excited  Irishman  following,  attended  by  a  yelling 
crowd  of  youngsters.  The  pig  in  despair,  at  length 
made  for  the  open  door  of  a  tobacconist's  shop,  where 
it  was  eventually  captured,  and  effectively  secured. 
As  Pat  was  pulling  it  out  of  the  shop,  a  gentleman 
who  had  been  a  witness  of  the  "  divarsion,"  said  to 
him  by  way  of  a  joke  : 

"  I  think,  Pat,  your  pig  has  been  wanting  a  smoke, 
seeing  where  he  ran  to." 

"Then,"  answered  Pat,  wiping  the  perspiration 
from  his  brow,  "  he'll  get  a  smoke  much  sooner  than 
he  wants,  sir." 

The  Irishman  and  the  Sphinx 

An  uninformed  Irishman,  hearing  the  Sphinx  alluded 
to  in  company,  whispered  to  a  friend,  "  The  Sphinx  ! 
Who's  that,  now?"  "A  monster,  man."  "Oh!  a 
Munster-man:  I  thought  he  was  from  Connaught," 
rejoined  the  Irishman,  determined  not  to  seem  totally 
unacquainted  with  the  family. 

Joe  McKey  and  the  Landlord's  Agent 

In  the  year  1851  I  received  a  letter  from  my  relative, 
the  Rev.  Richard  Chenevix  Trench,  then  rector  of 
Itchenstoke  in  Hampshire,  and  now  Archbishop  of 
Dublin,  to  say  that  the  Marchioness  of  Bath,  had 
requested  him  to  offer  me  the  agency  of  Lord  Bath's 
estate  in  the  County  Monaghan.  After  some  inquiry 
and  correspondence,  I  wrote  to  say  that  I  should  be 
happy   to   undertake   it,  on   certain    conditions   and 

15 


226  lci6b  TlClit  anD  Ibumor 

under  certain  arrangements.  These  having  been  all 
agreed  to,  I  left  Kenmare  for  Longleat,  where  I 
remained  a  few  days  with  Lady  Bath,  Lord  Bath 
was  then  a  minor,  traveling  with  a  tutor  abroad. 

Amongst  the  most  obstinate  and  determined  of  the 
tenantry  was  a  man  named  Joe  McKey.  He  called 
himself  a  Presbyterian.  He  held  a  considerable  farm 
in  a  wild  district  bordering  on  the  mountainous  part 
of  the  county  of  Armagh  ;  and  he  had  paid  no  rent  for 
the  past  five  years.  Frequent  ''latitats''  and  other 
legal  missiles  had  been  hurled  at  him,  but  no  one 
ventured  to  arrest  him.  He  was  a  man  reputed  to  be 
of  singular  courage  and  daring,  able,  active,  and 
desperate ;  and  he  prided  himself  on  having  defied 
any  man  in  Ireland  to  take  him  prisoner. 

I  was  informed  that  this  man  was  the  acknowledged 
leader  of  all  the  recusants  over  a  large  district  of 
the  estate,  that  many  had  bound  themselves  to  act 
as  he  did  ;  and  in  short,  unless  Joe  McKey  were  put 
down,  that  district  would  hold  out  in  defiance  of  both 
law  and  order. 

My  first  step,  accordingly,  was  to  issue  a  warrant 
against  him  for  debt,  and  to  offer  ^50  to  any  man  who 
would  arrest  him.  But  my  surprise  was  considerable 
to  hear  that  no  one  could  be  found  who  would  under- 
take a  mission  so  dangerous  ;  and  a  bailiff  to  whom 
I  remarked  upon  the  large  premium  offered  for  the 
arrest  of  one  man,  replied,  "  Thank  your  honor  ;  ^^50 
is  very  good,  and  not  to  be  earned  every  day  ;  but  life 
is  sweet  f  and  nothing  I  could  say  would  induce 
him  to  attempt  it.  The  report,  whether  true  or  not, 
was,  that  he  always  carried  a  loaded  horse-pistol 
with  him,  that  many  people  had  seen  the  brass  handle 
sticking  out  of  the  breast  pocket  of  his  coat,  and  that 
he  had  sworn  solemnly  to  put  the  contents  of  the 
pistol  into  the  body  of  any  bailiff  who  should  ever 
attempt  to  take  him. 

Such  was  the  leader  with  whom  I  had  now  to  deal. 
I  had  only  been  about  six  months  in  office  ;  and  I 
was  plainly,  but  reluctantly,  told  by  the  head  bailiff  and 
clerk,  "  That  whilst  Joe  McKey  held  sway,  no  good 
could  be  got  out  of  the  northern  end  of  the  estate." 


f  rieb  TlClit  anD  Ibumor  227 

I  confess  I  was  much  puzzled  ;  it  would  have  taken 
a  year  or  more  to  eject  him  by  the  ordinary  notice  to 
quit,  and  resistance  to  authority  was  beginning  to 
spread  over  the  district.  I  determined  accordingly 
to  go  myself,  and  at  least  take  the  measure  of  this 
redoubtable  hero,  and  see  if  he  was  so  formidable  as 
he  was  reputed  to  be.  I  cannot  say  that  I  had  any 
specific  plan  in  view ;  but  I  wished  to  see  him,  and 
speak  to  him,  and  be  guided  afterwards  by  circum- 
stances as  they  might  arise.  Nothing  was  then  further 
from  my  intention  than  to  arrest  him  myself. 

The  country  at  this  time  was  very  seriously  dis- 
turbed. Several  murders  had  been  committed  in  that 
immediate  neighborhood  bordering  on  the  county  of 
Armagh  ;  and  the  people,  having  become  excited, 
were  in  a  very  dangerous  temper.  I,  therefore,  very 
carefully  loaded  a  brace  of  double-barreled  pistols  on 
which  I  could  thoroughly  depend  ;  and  having  deter- 
mined to  go  to  the  man's  dwelling  alone,  but  wholly 
unexpected,  I  took  with  me  a  tracing  of  the  estate 
map  to  guide  me  on  my  way  to  his  house  without  the 
necessity  of  making  inquiries  along  the  road.  And 
mounting  my  horse,  I  started  from  Carrickmacross  at 
at  ten  o'clock  in  the  morning,  telling  no  one  of  my 
destination, 

McKey's  residence  was  about  seven  miles  from 
Carrickmacross.  I  rode  quickly  to  prevent  the  possi- 
bility of  my  intention  being  suspected  or  anticipated, 
and  I  arrived  at  the  house,  of  course,  wholly  with- 
out notice.  It  had  once  been  respectable,  but  had 
fallen  much  into  decay.  The  hall-door  stood  in  the 
centre  of  the  building,  with  a  long,  narrow  window 
on  either  side.  I  knocked  at  once,  and  after  a  short 
interval,  a  man  dressed  only  in  his  shirt  and  trousers 
came  to  the  narrow  window  and  asked  what  I  wanted. 

"  I  want  to  get  in,"  I  said. 

"You  can't  get  in  here,"  he  replied  curtly,  and 
with  a  clear,  determined  voice. 

I  at  once  suspected  that  this  was  the  man  I  sought, 
and  I  asked  him  immediately  : 

"  Are  you  Joe  McKey  ?  " 

"  And  what  if  I  am  ?  "  said  he,  boldly. 


228  txieb  TlBlit  anD  f)umor 

"Nothing,"  I  replied,  "but  that  I  want  to  speak 
to  you,  and  should  be  obliged  if  you  would  let  me 
in." 

"  Speak  to  me  as  you  are — you  can't  get  in  here." 

"  Do  you  know  who  I  am  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  No,"  said  he,  "  nor  I  don't  care  a  rap." 

"  I  am  Mr.  Trench." 

"Oh,"  returned  he,  "  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir— I  did 
not  know  it  was  you  ;  but  I  am  sorry,  I  can't  possibly 
let  you  in." 

It  was  something,  I  thought,  to  have  made  him 
change  his  tone — so  I  immediately  changed  mine. 

"  I  heard  you  were  a  stout  and  daring  fellow,  and 
that  you  feared  no  man  when  alone.  I  want  to  speak 
to  you,  so  I  came  alone,  and  I  suppose  you  will  let 
me  in." 

He  looked  at  me  suspiciously  for  a  few  moments, 
cast  an  eye  round  to  see  if  there  was  a  bailiff  con- 
cealed, seemed  very  undecided  in  his  mind,  but  at 
length  shook  his  head  and  said  again,  "  I'm  sorry  to 
refuse  you,  sir,  but  I  can't  possibly  let  you  in." 

I  was  greatly  annoyed,  and  partly  forgetting  myself 
for  a  moment,  I  replied  : 

"  I  believe  you  are  but  a  coward  after  all.  I  told 
you  I  was  alone,  I  pledge  you  upon  my  word  of  honor, 
no  one  is  with  me,  nor  knows  that  I  am  here.  I  came 
to  speak  to  you  and  see  you  entirely  alone ;  are  you 
afraid  of  one  man  ?  " 

He  did  not  hesitate  now  ;  but.  going  to  the  door, 
unbarred  and  unbolted  it,  throwing  it  wide  open  with 
an  air  of  offended  dignity,  he  said  : 

"Walk  in,  sir,  walk  in,  if  thaC  s  the  way  you  talk — 
walk  in  and  welcome  ;  you  shall  never  say  /hindered 
you  ;  "  and  he  strode  on  before  me  into  the  kitchen 
or  living-room,  pushing  that  door  also  as  wide  as  it 
could  be  opened. 

I  gave  my  horse  to  a  boy  to  hold,  who  came  out  at 
the  same  moment,  and  I  followed  my  conductor  in. 
I  felt  very  much  as  if  I  was  walking  into  a  lion's  den, 
but  there  was  no  help  for  it  now,  so  I  determined  to 
make  the  best  of  it. 

The  room  into  which  he  led  me  presented  rather  a 


Irf6b  TICllt  anD  Ibumor  229 

singular  scene.  The  furniture  was  of  the  meanest 
class  ;  but  sitting  at  the  fire  were  two  men — each 
between  thirty  and  forty  years  of  age — able,  athletic 
fellows,  and  they  did  not  seem  to  welcome  me.  They 
also  were  in  their  shirts  and  trousers,  and  their  eyes 
looked  somewhat  bleared  and  inflamed  ;  but  they  were 
all  perfectly  sober.  They  stood  upas  I  entered,  made 
a  slight  obeisance,  and  remained  quietly  in  their 
places.  Near  them  was  a  young  woman,  neat  in  her 
appearance,  and  very  good-looking,  though  somewhat 
careworn,  and  apparently  about  twenty-three  years  of 
age.  She  seemed  frightened  and  uneasy,  not  at  me — 
whom  she  scarcely  noticed — but  at  McKey,  off  whom 
she  never  for  a  moment  took  her  eyes.  Her  gaze  was 
so  intense  upon  him,  that  I  turned  round  from  the 
others  whom  I  was  going  to  address,  and  sitting  down 
to  show  that  I  intended  no  personal  violence,  faced 
McKey  himself.  A  bright  fire  was  burning  and  the 
rays  of  the  morning  sun,  which  made  their  way 
through  a  long  narrow  window,  threw  a  light  over  his 
entire  frame.  It  was  not  a  common  one.  His  hair 
and  whiskers  were  black,  and  a  dark  stubble  was  on 
his  chin  and  upper  lip,  as  of  a  beard  unshaven  for  a 
day  or  two.  His  neck  was  bare,  and  his  shirt-sleeves 
were  tucked  up  above  his  elbows,  revealing  an  arm 
like  a  knotted  rope.  His  trousers  were  fastened  by 
a  red  handkerchief  round  his  waist.  He  stood  per- 
fectly motionless,  following  me  with  his  eyes  ;  his  arms 
were  folded,  and  he  leaned  somewhat  back  with  a 
half-savage,  half-sneering  smile  upon  his  face.  His 
frame  was  very  muscular ;  he  stood  about  five  feet 
eleven  inches  in  height.  He  was  apparently  in  per- 
fect health,  but  without  one  bit  on  him  save  hard 
sinew  and  muscle  strung  as  tight  as  whipcord. 
Though  I  was  by  no  means  a  weak  man  at  the  time, 
yet  I  felt  I  could  be  no  match  for  such  an  antagonist 
in  a  personal  struggle  ;  and  as  I  looked  at  the  man 
before  me,  a  model  of  activity  and  strength,  with  a 
daring  and  almost  insolent  look  in  the  manner  in 
which  he  threw  back  his  head,  I  thought  I  had  never 
seen  a  finer  or  a  bolder  figure. 
"  You  wish  to  speak  to  me,  sir?  " 


230  irisb  llUit  anD  "toumor 

"  Yes,"  said  I ;  "  but  who  are  these  men,  and  what 
are  they  doing  here  ?  " 

"We  were  distilling  poteen,"  returned  one  of  the 
men  ;  "  would  your  honor  like  to  taste  some?" 

"  No,  thank  you,"  I  replied,  and  drawing  my  chair 
near  the  fire,  I  began  to  chat. 

They  were  civil  enough,  but  seemed  perfectly 
unconcerned  as  to  what  I  might  think  of  their  illegal 
proceedings.  McKey  stood  apart  all  the  time,  his 
arms  still  folded,  and  the  young  woman  watching  him 
intently.     I  suddenly  addressed  him  : 

"  And  so,  McKey,  you  are  the  terror  of  the  country, 
and  no  one  dares  take  you  ?  " 

He  made  a  quick  uneasy  movement  as  I  said  this, 
and  cast  a  rapid  glance  at  the  window. 

"  No  one  has  taken  me,"  he  replied  ;  "  but  you  said 
you  wanted  to  speak  to  me?  " 

"  Yes,  I  wanted  to  ask  you  how  you  expect  all  this 
to  end.  You  owe  five  years'  rent ;  you  will  pay  noth- 
ing, and  I  hear  you  have  sworn  to  shoot  any  one  who 
attempts  to  arrest  you." 

He  went  over  quietly  to  a  great  coat  which  was 
hanging  against  the  wall,  and  turning  the  coat  upon 
the  peg  on  which  it  hung,  exposed  the  large  brass- 
mounted  handle  of  a  horse-pistol  projecting  out  of 
the  pocket. 

"Just  so,"  said  I—"  no  wonder  they  are  afraid  of 
you." 

"  You  have  a  pretty  set  of  bailiffs  to  be  afraid  of 
that,"  returned  he— and  he  drew  the  pistol  out,  and  I 
saw  that  it  had  neither  lock  nor  barrel  ! 

"  That's  what  I  frighten  them  with,"  said  he,  as 
he  replaced  the  pistol  in  the  coat-pocket,  and  laughed 
heartily — his  recollection  seeming  to  recur  to  some 
ridiculous  scene,  which  probably  had  passed.  The 
men  laughed,  too,  and  so  did  I  ;  and  for  the  first  time 
also  the  young  woman  smiled,  and  seemed  a  little 
more  at  ease. 

"Oh,  that's  all  very  well,"  I  remarked,  rather  out 
of  sorts,  however,  as  the  laugh  was  decidedly  against 
me.      [ii] 


Irlsb  mit  anD  Ibumor  231 

Nora's  Cash  Balance 

During  the  excitement  owing  to  bank  failures  in 
Indianapolis,  a  by-stander  watching  the  anxious  crowd 
besieging  the  doors  of  a  bank  that  was  supposed  to 
be  in  danger,  overheard  the  following  dialogue 
between  an  Irishwoman  and  her  husband  : 

"  Nora,  dhraw  yer  money  out." 

"An'  sure,  Patrick,  I  won't." 

"  But  Nora,  you  musht  dhraw  it  out." 

"  Faith,  an'  I  won't  dhraw  me  money  out  at  all." 

"  Nora,  an'  don't  yees  know  they'll  lose  yer  money 
for  yees  ef  yees  don't  dhraw  it  out  ?  " 

"An'  shure,  Patrick,  ain't  they  better  able  to  lose 
it  than  we  are?  " 

Patrick  was  evidently  overpowered  with  the  last 
astonishing  and  unanswerable  argument,  and  they 
both  left  the  scene  apparently  satisfied.  Fortunately 
the  bank  survived  the  pressure,  and  its  ability  to  lose 
Nota's  balance  was  not  practically  tested. 

An  Observant  Irishman 

An  Irish  bricklayer  was  one  day  brought  to  the 
hospital  severely  injured  by  a  fall  from  a  housetop. 
The  medical  man  in  attendance  asked  at  what  time 
the  accident  occurred. 

"  Two  o'clock,  yer  honor,"  was  the  reply. 

On  being  asked  why  he  came  to  fix  the  hour  so 
accurately,  he  answered  : 

"  Because  I  saw  the  people  at  dinner  through  a 
window  as  I  was  coming  down." 


Prosecution  of  an  Irishwoman 

At  the  Monmouthshire  sessions  an  old  Irishwoman 
was  charged  with  felony,  and  there  were  said  to  be 
"three  counvs  "  against  the  prisoner.  A  gentleman 
in  court,  in  happy  ignorance  of  technicalities,  expressed 
his  great  surprise  that  three  counts  should  think 
it  worth  their  while  to  prosecute  one  poor  Irish- 
woman. 


232  Hrlsb  XUit  anO  Ibumor 

How  Paddy  Got  "Under  Government" 

A  place  under  government 
Was  all  that  Paddy  wanted  ; 

He  married  soon  a  scolding  wife, 
And  thus  his  wish  was  granted. 

Justice  to  Ireland 

Irish  Passenger :  "  Steward,  how  soon  will  we  be 
into  Liverpool  ?  " 

Sleu'urd :  "In  about  ten  minutes  or  a  quarter  of  an 
hour,  sir." 

Irish  Passenger  {looking  at  his  watch) :  "Ah  !  that'll 
do !  it  wants  twenty  minutes  to  four ;  so  I  shall  save 
the  four  o'clock  train." 

Steward:  "I  fear  not,  sir.  You  forget  that  the 
Liverpool  time  is  a  quarter  of  an  hour  before  the 
Dublin  time." 

Irish  Passenger :  "A  quarter  before  Dublin  time! 
Oh,  holy  Nelly,  and  you  call  that  justice  to  Ireland, 
I  suppose ! " 

Telling  the  Time  by  an  English  Watch 

Early  in  the  present  century,  a  gentleman  rode  up 
to  the  door  of  a  well-known  inn  in  the  black  country, 
followed  by  his  servant  with  the  saddle  bags.  There 
was  great  curiosity  among  the  guests  assembled  to 
know  who  the  stranger  might  be  ;  and  from  the  com- 
municative valet  they  soon  learnt  that  he  was  an 
Irish  officer  en  route  to  London.  They  were  imme- 
diately desirous  of  his  company  amongst  themselves, 
both  for  society  and  news  sake ;  but  the  gentleman 
unsocially  kept  his  own  room  upstairs,  so  that  at  last, 
driven  to  desperation,  and  perchance  somewhat  pot 
valiant,  one  of  the  company  sent  up  his  servant  with 
his  chronometer  to  ask  the  Irishman  if  he  could  tell 
the  time  by  an  English  watch. 

Great  anxiety  ensued  as  to  the  result.  Presently 
the  servant  returned  with  his  master's  compliments, 
"And  he  will  be  down  directly  with  the  watch  and 
the  answer."-  A  great  shuffling  of  feet  was  heard 
overhead,  and  by-and-by  appeared  Milesius,  followed 


Irisb  TKnit  anD  Ibumor  233 

by  his  body-guard,  bearing  a  tray  with  the  watch  and 
a  brace  of  pistols  on  it.  He  unhesitatingly  announced 
that  he  had  come  to  challenge  the  owner  of  the  watch, 
and  hoped  he  should  have  the  "  dacency  "  to  claim  it, 
and  take  up  one  of  the  pistols.  ( To  the  servant)  : 
"  Take  the  watch  round,  John  !  " 

"Is  it  yours,  sir?"  An  old  doctor  was  the  first 
thus  addressed. 

"  No,  sir!"  This  was  the  answer  from  each  one 
put  to  the  crucial  test.  At  length  it  came  to  the 
owner. 

"  Is  the  watch  yours,  sir  !  '* 

"  No,  sir!" 

"  Well,  then,  John,  since  no  one  will  own  the  watch, 
put  it  in  your  pocket,  and  as  we  do  not  appear  to  have 
fallen  among  gentlemen,  bring  out  the  horses,  and 
we'll  ride  on  another  stage." 

An  Irish  Linguist 

Louis  XIV  asked  Count  Mahoney  if  he  understood 
Italian. 

"  Yes,  please  your  majesty,"  said  the  count,  "  if  it's 
spoken  in  Irish." 

A  Harmless  Blow— for  a  Soldier 

An  Irish  recruit,  being  rebuked  by  the  sergeant  for] 
striking  one  of  his  companions  :  "  I  thought  there  was  , 
no  harm  in  it,"  quoth  Pat,  "  as  I  had  nothing  in  iny\ 
hand  but  my  fist  ^ 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


B     000  002  023     o 


